My son is 12 and the last couple of years he's become increasingly unhappy in school. He learns quickly and has good academic abilities, but he still sees himself as not good enough. His teachers are well-meaning and hard working, but he is stressed about all the tests, and he fears being asked questions he does not know the answer to and he never feels good in class. This gets worse and worse, and I am worried about hos health, well-being and his relationship to school.

The teachers know about his struggles and they are sympathetic. But at the same time, they put a lot of pressure on the pupils. He gets anxious and looses his self confidence when teachers are very strict.

He longs for å more light-hearted environment and a bit of humour in the classroom. Everything is very serious and he is constantly afraid of failure. It is difficult to learn when one is afraid all the time. We do not put pressure on our kids to excel in school. We want them to actively participate, but whether they get a full score or not on a test is irrelevant to us.

What can I do/say/think/feel to help my son?

asked 10 Sep '17, 15:53

Pebbles's gravatar image


Hi @Pebbles children are especially sensitive to family environment, a good way to help your son is to be happy and healthy yourself:)

(11 Sep '17, 02:42) jaz

I know this, jaz:) But will focusing own happiness and health be enough?

(11 Sep '17, 07:15) Pebbles

Sure you can do more for him by giving him the basics of how he can shift himself from feelings of anxiety and stress to feelings of light-heartedness and fun

(11 Sep '17, 10:55) jaz
showing 0 of 3 show 3 more comments

What can I do/say/think/feel to help my son?

  1. Get into the best feeling mood that you can. Use any excuse you can to get into that mood - it doesn't have to be anything related to your son

  2. While in that mood ("emotional state"), see what ideas come to you regarding your situation and what you want for your son

  3. Record those ideas and make it a priority to act upon them or do whatever is required to make yourself feel that you've done something about them. Don't try to analyze those ideas, or try to think about them too much - the fact that they came to you during that very-good-feeling emotional state is all the evidence you need to know that they are valuable.

  4. Any ideas that come to you while you are feeling bad about your son will be of little to no value. Ignore those.

  5. Whenever you want further "guidance", repeat the process.

That's it :)


answered 11 Sep '17, 10:56

Stingray's gravatar image


edited 11 Sep '17, 10:59


Good advice for whenever you need some guidance on any subject!

(08 Oct '17, 13:44) Catherine

@Stingray - I've been trying this for a few weeks now and it's working better than I've expected it to work. Even though I knew that good ideas come to me when I feel good, deliberately brainstorming thoughts in this manner seems to be way more effective. One side note is that the best ideas come to me after I've brainstormed all the obvious ideas that I already know. Once all the known (and resistant) ways to improve a situation are all written down, the magic starts to happen...

(11 Oct '17, 00:52) releaser99

...Then the best ideas come up. So for anyone reading this, I would recommend really being patient and keep brainstorming until everything is written down. And then keep writing a little more.

(11 Oct '17, 00:53) releaser99

@releaser99- Is it ok to brainstorm when feeling out of the vortex? Or do you suggest just doing this when only in the vortex.

(11 Oct '17, 01:14) Nikulas

@Nikulas - I'd probably stick exactly to the instructions that @Stingray has outlined. There are two reasons.

  1. I might not come up with the best possible ideas.
  2. I might not be able to choose the best ones.

Because if I don't feel good, my intuition doesn't work accurately. I might feel uncertain about those ideas. But when I feel good, my intuition is crystal clear and good thoughts stick out immediately. So then I just know a good idea when I see one because it feels uplifting.

(11 Oct '17, 02:16) releaser99

@releaser99 - "deliberately brainstorming thoughts in this manner seems to be way more effective" - If you want to make those valuable ideas flow even more easily, you could try putting yourself into the precise emotional state of the missing emotion of your desire (from the "Why Do I Want It?" statements) - rather than just a general good-feeling state - while doing the brainstorming

(11 Oct '17, 02:50) Stingray

Thanks releaser99

(11 Oct '17, 04:35) Nikulas

@Nikulas - Stream-of-consciousness writing is a handy tool I use to generate ideas when out-of-the-vortex. Instructions: get a pen/pencil (typing not allowed) and 3 pages of A4 or letter-sized paper, then just write. Write whatever comes out. Squiggle or write the same word repeatedly if that's what comes out. Just keep the pen moving for 3 pages (single-sided). The exercise should take about 30 - 40 minutes. What you'll notice happening is...

(12 Oct '17, 21:50) WeRadiateBeauty

@Nikulas - ...sometime around the 5 to 15-min mark (depending on how far you are from your vortex), you'll cross into the vortex (or receptive mode, as Abraham like to call it nowadays), where you're a cooperative component to allowing inspired ideas to flow. When an inspired idea comes, you'll notice a surge of life energy/inspiration as you're writing it out (I tend to immediately circle these ideas so I can return to them after I've...

(12 Oct '17, 21:55) WeRadiateBeauty

@Nikulas - ...completed my 3 pages). That's it! I usually get 2 - 4 great ideas in every session. The process is called Morning Pages and it is best done first thing after waking up (note: I still find it valuable to perform this process in the afternoon/night). Official instructions here. @Jaianniah has mentioned this tool multiple times on IQ...

(12 Oct '17, 22:00) WeRadiateBeauty

@Nikulas - It also helps with writing more clearly. You can check out Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way, if you're curious to learn more about this process and its positive effects on writing and creativity.

(12 Oct '17, 22:04) WeRadiateBeauty
showing 2 of 11 show 9 more comments

I suggest that you do one of two things.

If possible, get your son into some kind of alternative school, like a Waldorf school, where he won't be as bored any more.

I understand that this might or might not be possible at the moment, or at all, but I still would recommend to simply add this to your universe manifestation list- get my son into the kind of school that will support him in his heart's interests, and then energize this idea repeatedly until you start getting opportunities.

Meanwhile, you can tell him you understand him and you're working on it, and in the mean time he may treat school as a day job- He's going to have to do the work and show up and play along, but he doesn't have to take it seriously. He needs, of course, to understand playing along his role is not the same as being cynical about what is taught, but that it's okay for him to simply do his best and allow his passion to express himself after school is over. This attitude will, I believe, help him get over all sorts of unpleasant experiences that our society makes not-so-easy to get around. Sure, do your taxes- but you don't have to take it seriously. It's good to do them well, but the whole situation also has an absurd comical side that can help you enjoy doing them. There's nothing that pulls an intelligent kid down faster than assuming something imperfect and societal is supposed to make sense, and knowing it doesn't have to can be liberating- but he still can know that he can have his own place that makes sense.

Then there's plenty of coping strategies, for example knowing when to daydream and when to pay attention to stay out of trouble and still enjoy yourself. Excelling at those certainly got me through school, and only rarely into trouble, basically as long as it took to get good at them.

I hope this helps! May there be more free spirits!


answered 10 Oct '17, 12:53

cmc's gravatar image


edited 10 Oct '17, 12:54

HI Pebbles, Hope you are well and can find time to read my answer. I went to a lot of different schools and it was hell on earth for me. I dreaded starting a new school. There was a huge fear factor with it. I was a shy, awkward, quiet kid who got the lowest grades imaginable in any tests i sat. The only two things i felt happy with were art and technical drawing. Everything else was a total waste of time. I didn't understand any of it. The last school i went to was in Hong Kong in 1976 and here i am now older and wiser. I never really got any help from anyone, not even my parents. If i couldn't do my maths or history home work i was laughed at. Even when i had left school i understood nothing. I wasn't taught anything from anyone about the big wide world. Career/looking for a job, politics, buying a house, saving, relationships, learning to drive, cooking, a social life. The list is endless. Your son has an advantage over me. He has you to help him and be there for him. I didn't get any of that. I spent a lot of my teenage years in my bedroom looking at pictures in books or listening to pop music. What i know today is more or less what i have taught myself. It could have been a whole different world for me if i had been loved and wanted all those years ago, but i cannot turn back the clock. Some of my teachers use to ask my parents if i was ok. He's so quiet in class. I hated getting out of bed on a cold winter morning to get ready to go to school. So, how can i help you and your son? Stand up to the teachers, let them know that your son is going through a difficult time. Not just at school, but in his own time. He needs to be understood and loved not just put under pressure to pass some ** little test. Your son will think he isn't good enough. It's all part of been human and normal. Everyone you meet will tell you the same. There are two main reasons why people don't do anything in life. First, lack of cash. They don't have the money and second reason is they believe they are not good enough. I'm the same. i love photography and everyone tells me my images are really good, but they are not good, i know i can do better or put another way, I believe i am not good enough. Be there for him, but give him space. He must be allowed to develop himself and understand for himself. As difficult as it is for you he must have his own space and free time. That doesn't mean you carn't help or won't help. Try a different school. It might be just what is needed? My girlfriend went to a school that took in the dim wits. She didn't want to go her parents sent her. Most of the kids sat at the back of the class and spent all day picking their nose. My girlfriend who was 50 last month now goes on a course one day a week to study basic maths and English. She also buys books for 5/6 year olds to help her. Believe it or not she has improved big time!
I agree with you about tests. As far as i am concerned they help no one except those that can do it. Some people just have the ability to pass tests. I am not one of those people. Tests mean nothing to me. I don't understand them. I had one cooking lesson at school and got 2 out of 10 for defrosting. I got an interview for a job a long time ago now and told there would be a test to do. I told them i wasn't doing any tests. They didn't know what to do with me. Believe it or not i got the job! Hope this helps you and your son. Take care. Chris


answered 11 Sep '17, 10:10

Chris%20Fowler's gravatar image

Chris Fowler

I agree with @cmc.

Your son is bored in school and desires for more humour and light heartedness. Your son is very intelligent.

Forcing him to learn anything creates friction. Children are sensitive to friction and tension, and they know when something spoils their inner being.

All of the forcing and the pressure to learn these items is what is doing his head in. It is not the subjects. It is the way those subjects are being presented to him. He fears being asked questions in class because he does not trust the answers in himself.

His inner being says "I dislike school." But all external circumstances and pressure, and conditioning, are beginning to persuade him that he is not allowed to trust his inner self.

Inward Quest is a place I come to, to get in touch with this inner self that has been conditioned out of me by school, religion, organisation and people.

Here is what to do) Express your love for him beyond his grade results and beyond his current comprehension of everything that he feels he needs to know in school. Do not cut off any channels or paths he feels inspired and drawn to act on. Open up all paths for him and he will pick the one he feels most drawn to. His spirit has not been heavily conditioned out of him yet.

In the meantime for school, if he is meant to know or learn something, he will. If he is not meant to learn it, he will not. You cannot force him and the school cannot force him. They can try! And it will only create more tension.

I agree with @Stingray in the regard to allow the answers to flow through you when you are feeling connected. I resonate with @cmc in the immediate option to get him into an alternative school.

Teach your son to trust himself, but first trusting yourself.


answered 14 Oct '17, 22:16

Nikulas's gravatar image


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Asked: 10 Sep '17, 15:53

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Last updated: 14 Oct '17, 22:16

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