So I have read quite a bit about the LOA, manifestation, visualisation, telepathy and such. I am a firm believer in the powers of the universe, that we are all one and can get back in line with our path in life after straying from it (or losing sight of it). This is something I have always known to be. From the moment I started to talk, I sometimes felt very sad for no apparent reason and I always explained to my mother how I 'had the feeling of the world'. I've been called an old soul my entire life :-)

Currently, I am in the aftermath of a breakup with the girl/woman I love intensely and deeply. We lived together for 4 years. We grew apart due to external factors, which in turn amplified the things we weren't happy about in our relationship. She actually fell in love with another guy, cheated on me with him (although she was honest about it directly afterwards), broke up with me because she saw it as a sign things were unfixable between us and now I have to pick up my belongings in a few weeks (which is a lot, she'll be left with barely a chair to sit on).

So, with this in mind, after everything that has happened and after having spent about 4 weeks apart already, I still feel the same love for her and I feel she loves me still, buried under the negativity, confusion etc. A few signs have already been 'sent' that this is the case.

At this point, I am indeed starting to accept what has happened as unavoidable and a 'sign' things needed to change. I am quite motivated to move on, leave our relationship behind and focus on who I am, the love I have for this life and start creating my own future.

The 'problem' is that I still feel my ex is somehow, somewhere still part of that future. No way in hell we can go back to the previous relationship but why should love not prevail in the end?

Point is, by moving forward and becoming the best version of me, how can I 'filter' all the thoughts and memories I have of her and us from the past 4 years, without hindering my way forward?

I hope my question is clear enough, feel free to ask anything if it isn't.

asked 03 Nov, 16:12

MusMus's gravatar image

MusMus
314


Great question! What jumps out at me is your underlying assumption that you must purge yourself of the memories and the intuitive feeling that there is more with her to come, in order to be a better you. Or rather, the assumption that it's a problem.

It's rather like driving away from the inner core of a big city. You're leaving the city, but for a long time, all you still see and experience is the city. Finally you get to the suburbs, and then eventually, the rural area, but there is lots of overlap in experience...moments where it's not as 'city' as where you started from, but not exactly suburban yet...or when do the suburbs exactly become rural, etc.

If you are feeling good in some ways, excited that the time of outward negative drama seems over and that you can do something different now, then it can be very tempting to want to push away any of the negative-feeling emotions that arise. To rid yourself of the internal drama. And the intuitive feeling that you are meant to be together perhaps has pain attached to it, because it might seem starkly counterintuitive to 'reality'. To feel it might make you feel delusional, or like you don't know why you still want to be someone with whom you had so much negative drama, why there is still a desire for relationship. In other words, you might see the relationship with her as not conducive to a better you, but you still want it, just a better version of it.

This is not a problem.

Part of being this better you that you want to be---actually all of being a better you---is the embracing the deep honesty of yourself and accepting all the paradoxes that arise. That you have thoughts and feelings that seem to contradict each other, but they are all part of you. In the matrix world (I don't know what else to call it), it's a world of opposites. Either, or. So if you're moving on, you can't still want to be with this woman. This isn't true, because you feel differently. If you make it a 'problem', you're pathologizing your own genuine feelings and dreams and desires.

I always say "expand!" Expand against the contraction that is feeling limited or unwanted. What is awake and alive and unlimited is always moving towards what is dark and static and constricted. There is a yoga teacher I know who always says "If you can feel it, you can heal it." So much wisdom in such a little phrase!

Feel your genuine feelings and embrace them all. Do not run from the internal drama. Let the internal freak show happen.

Recognize that you are big enough to hold that there are so many things about this relationship that you dislike but that there are some things that you really enjoy and wish could continue. Focus on the good feelings that arise when you think of those wonderful things, but accept that right now they are packaged with negative feelings too. It's a mixed bag of goodies and you need to experience them all. There may be feelings of wanting her, yet feelings of shame or anger that she acted in ways that felt disrespectful to you, feelings of anger that you want someone who is like that, feelings of desperation that you won't find another woman as lovable, and feelings that you are better than that, you deserve a better woman. You are a network of contradictions, like everyone.

If you stay open to your genuine feelings, and let them arise, and let it play out internally and not project out onto the actual physically manifest woman, it will start to clean up in ways you can't imagine right now. The more honest you are, and the less you project, the faster it gets really good, just like you want it to. I promise that---well, to the extent that anyone can do such a thing!

link

answered 03 Nov, 16:58

JMA's gravatar image

JMA
1.5k5

edited 03 Nov, 17:01

1

Thank you JMA, for such an insightful and relatable answer. However, by setting goals for myself with the seemingly contradictive feelings of knowing she'll come back in my life some day and moving on at the same time, I find myself hindered by daily memories and feelings. Like discussing Netflix shows with friends. We used to watch nearly all shows together, it really was part of our life together. It reminds me of what I miss. How can I focus on the LOA and still feel those feelings?

(03 Nov, 17:40) MusMus

@MusMus, maybe I am not understanding how you define LOA. To me, LOA means that what you are, you attract. Meaning that what you are 'inside' shows up on the 'outside'. Like if you smile then the mirror shows a smile, if you frown the mirror shows a frown. Everything in your life is perfectly representing 'who you are right now'. It's a law because it runs regardless of anybody's attempt to change it or buck it. If it could be bucked, it would be the "Ordinance of Attraction". :)

(03 Nov, 17:51) JMA

So you are with your friends, and you feel sad and nostalgic about Netflix. This is just showing you "where you are" regarding your feelings about your past. This is what you let arise. If I were you, what I would really examine is "why" this is the problem. It's how you feel about the sadness, and the thoughts you are thinking about the sadness, that is what causing you to feel like you aren't 'moving on'.

(03 Nov, 17:55) JMA

Does that make sense? The sadness you are feeling IS moving on. Like my description to you about leaving the inner city. If you are feeling genuine emotions, and letting them arise and show you what they are meaning for you, then you are moving on.

(03 Nov, 17:56) JMA

You do not need to focus on LOA. Only to understand how it works. You can't manipulate or evade it, whether you know about it or not or are an expert on what it is or know nothing about it. But once you know how it works, you cannot help but have a much more enjoyable life and get much more of what you want and how you want it. You are unlimited, because the LOA is unlimited, it's limited only by you, that is the Law.

(03 Nov, 17:59) JMA

LOA and electricity is a great analogy. You can become an electrician and know a great deal about how electricity works, but you cannot change HOW electricity works. And you can't do great things with electricity UNTIL you understand how it works. If you don't know anything about electricity, it doesn't change the fact that electricity exists in it's own lawful state. The more you know about it, the more you can use it to your advantage, but even if you know nothing...it's still the LOE.

(03 Nov, 18:09) JMA

I mean you can't 'consciously' do great things with electricity until you know how it works. Like all analogies, it falls apart at a certain level. Just know that the way you use the LOA, is you see what's in your outer world, and you change it internally. What is outside is NOT a problem. It's just your signal to ante up to a better life. It's like if a stove were burning your hand...how would you know unless it hurt? The pain is serving your greater interest!

(03 Nov, 18:11) JMA

If your hand were hurting because it was burning on a stove, would you see the pain as a problem, or would it be pointing you to what the real problem is, that you are keeping your hand on a hot burner? So your sadness over Nextflix is the pain, not the stove. What is reason you have your hand (focus) on a hot stove (negative thoughts)? Look for what the sadness is pointing to. :)

(03 Nov, 18:16) JMA
1

Wisdom in a package

(04 Nov, 08:49) Nikulas
1

@JMA It makes sense. The sadness is indeed moving on. But is it true you can't manipulate LOA? Or indeed not manipulate it but use it to your benefit? Electricity can be 'manipulated' by being sent through powerlines to our homes, so we can use it to power our appliances. So by focussing on becoming more positive and letting go of negatives, you can 'manipulate' LOA. Or better; use it to your benefit.

(04 Nov, 09:44) MusMus
1

But what you say is basically I should accept the negative/sad feelings and memories, let them be, they are part of the journey. I guess it's just hard to accept these feelings and memories have such impact on how I feel, act and dream on a daily basis, being forced to let her go, to let go of the past 4 years, all without letting my love for her go.

(04 Nov, 09:49) MusMus

Hi @MusMus, for sure, you can absolutely use LOA to your benefit. However, to me there is a very subtle but very important distinction to make. You use your knowing of HOW the LOA works, to your benefit. When you understand HOW it works, you no longer perceive that you have to DO anything with it...you simply change yourself. You change the channel (you) through which LOA flows to create the world. LOA is neutral and unchanging, it operates the same way for all people in all of time, regardless.

(04 Nov, 13:52) JMA

That's why it's a Law.  To go back to our electric analogy electricity does not care if it burns down an entire town or perfectly toasts your tasty breakfast Poptart.  As does LOA. LOA never changes in how it works, so while you cannot manipulate LOA, you can manipulate the EFFECTS of LOA by changing the conduit. You. That is your creative power, to change yourself, and it's unlimited. If you get this distinction, you get everything. :)

(04 Nov, 13:52) JMA

You cannot let go of your genuine desires and dreams. They are safe, they are forever. It's totally OK and is actually awesome to just feel what you are feeling. You don't have to worry that if you feel hatred or like "I need to stop loving her" that you will actually stop loving her if you do genuinely love her. All it means is that you will transcend the negative facets that are present along with the positive facets.

(04 Nov, 13:55) JMA

Loving her isn't painful. The negative thoughts that arise when you think of her right now are painful. They are all intertwined so they feel like one and same. They aren't. The more conscious of how you're feeling that you are, the more you let it arise and allow it to have it's moment (without projecting and calling her up or texting her and making her responsible for the reason you feel bad and that she needs to be different for you to feel better), the more you will experience the pure love.

(04 Nov, 13:59) JMA
showing 2 of 15 show 13 more comments

turn your 'neediness' into a feeling of desire :)

here is a process you can use: 20. Focus delight (love, for the case of breakup)

hug and love to you! :)

link

answered 04 Nov, 05:31

Olga%20Farber's gravatar image

Olga Farber
2.0k10

By focusing on a different version of those memories.

The secret to focusing is that, as Abe says in the introductory course, each thing is not one, but two.

He means that literally. Each memory, and the event and energy it points to, is not one, but two. The negative version of that event that eats you up, and the positive version of that event that supports you and helps you move on or get back together again, whichever is more appropriate, are as different from each other as a memory of a car and a memory of a frog.

So by focusing on the positive versions of all those memories, whenever they come up, you can keep and allow that relationship to be for all the good things that it brought to you. There is no need to repress it at all.

This shifting focus to positive versions is also commonly called "healing" in other traditions, such as my own.

Note that if she took her spontaneous unilateral change of your relationship as a "sign" that it should end. I would like to add that everyone has a choice to what is a sign and what is not, and what that sign means. There are no hard and fast rules.

It is also not set in stone that your relationship is over. That is simply a manifestation of fear.

I would recommend that you use creative workshopping to recreate your relationship, and constructive denial to deny negative beliefs that go along with that- and then make sure that you are okay with your relationship changing radically, if that is the most natural way for things to go forward.

It's a bit of a paradox- use as much energy work as you can towards the circumstances you prefer, and still be open to the idea that if things turn out completely differently, the core of what you focused on will be there.

Here is an example.

Start thinking about things happy-version-of-you and happy-version-of-her are doing together. Affirm: My relationship with my love is solid and well. Send clouds of blessing, harmonizing, strengthening energy on yourself and her. Affirm to yourself that your positive expectation and your confidence will bring about the closest available equivalent of your visualizing, and trust you will recognize it when it comes. Breathe deeply and slowly during your workshop to have more energy.

Most likely, negative voices will come up during your practice- "it cannot be, you are now seperate" "the sign was clear, she will now go" "too much happend". Simply disagree with each one, and affirm the opposite three times. "no we're not seperate, we can be together. We can be together. We can be together." "no the sign was not clear, we just chose to interpreate it that way. I can create what I prefer. I can create what I prefer. I can create what I prefer." "No, too much has not happened- love can heal it all. Love can heal us. Love can heal us."

So to directly answer your question on this background: Whenever you feel needy, simply turn to your workshop to satisfy yourself, and let the outer circumstances be whatever they may, without trying to directly intervene in them unless strongly inspired to take action, and focus on creating the good energy. That way you have it all at once- the positive thinking, the clearing of pre-paved thoughts, and the necessary letting go.

I have a good feeling about the things to come. All the best to you!

link

answered 04 Nov, 06:10

cmc's gravatar image

cmc
2.4k6

Thank you CMC, very helpful. Some quick questions: what do you mean with 'creative workshopping'? And how would you suggest I can bend my thoughts towards the positive side when they are, for example, about her and her new 'lover'? They aren't memories but can still interfere with me growing towards an all-positive mindset. Or in our last face-to-face conversation, 3 days ago, she gave many mixed signals, was emotional about it all - should I memorize the signals favorable to me?

(04 Nov, 08:37) MusMus

Of course.

"Creative Workshopping" means, in Abraham's jargon, to imagine a reality you prefer so vividly that you have a strong emotional response. Then, for all intents and purposes, it happened, and it will be the new normal for you. Do that enough and your physical reality will gradually shift along in the general direction of what you are experiencing. You have to do it a lot- start with mornings and build quick sessions in during your day.

(04 Nov, 08:42) cmc

Sure, as long as the memories are there, they will absolutely interfere. That's the point- you want to drown them out with so many new and highly emotional positive ones that the physical ones will seem unimportant by comparison. The verbal rejecting of the old ideas indirectly interferes with the old memories by rejecting the core ideas beneath them, so they will most likely reduce their intensity. But you can also directly interfere with them by changing them until you like them.

(04 Nov, 08:47) cmc

@cmc I found a video about creative workshop, I'll go watch it today, thanks. Currently, I face some unavoidable physical confrontations with our current breakup; I have to find and rent my own place (feels very weird to do) and I'll have to then plan and execute actually moving out of 'our' place, where she will stay. I'm not sure how to deal with it all, I want to show her that I'm strong but at the same time I cannot help but hope for her to express regret and love towards me.

(04 Nov, 10:27) MusMus

So I have at the same time imagine/manifest a state of happiness together and set in motion the actual physical parting ways and building a new 'nest' of my own without her. It's like being forced to physically destroy the car (that belonged to your dad) because it broke down and is now illegal to be on the road, and at the same time imagine/manifest a future where that exact same physical car has been repaired and ready to ride again.

(04 Nov, 10:34) MusMus

@MusMus I hear you- now, I know it's hard, but what you want to do is feel all that stuff a little bit, and then change your mind about it. Make it good. If you cannot find any, find a way to put some good in. That's the process of switching to the good version of events and then more of those will come.

(04 Nov, 10:56) cmc
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

Ahh, that feeling of parting ways for good with someone you deeply care about(love) sure is sh*tty. I feel you.

That thing you feel "The 'problem' is that I still feel my ex is somehow, somewhere still part of that future. No way in hell we can go back to the previous relationship but why should love not prevail in the end?" is a classic. You only think that way because you still care about her, and that's OK. I mean, you spent years with her, it takes time to detach. Every and single one of people whose hearts had been broken can confirm your current thinking. And guess what? 90% of those people, after their period of grieving, found a new partner claiming he/she is 10x better and that breaking up with their ex is the best thing that happened to them. Not just concerning the field of relationships, but positive growth in general.

I'd say it ended for a reason. Keep it that way. I think that would be the path of least resistance. Trying to reverse the situation would be like swimming upstream and opposing the flow. Actually, metaphysically speaking, losing a girlfriend of 4 years is the same as losing a favourite T-shirt. Maybe it sounds harsh, but I'd say it's true. Only difference is that you're more emotionally invested in the girl and you gave more meaning and a "big deal" sense to your relationship with her. We're humans, that's the way we work. But metaphysically it doesn't matter one bit. But you are strong. You're a man for goodness' sake. Act like it. Keep your chin up high. Everything will change with time.

As for your question, when past memories come just change your focus to something else. It will be hard in the beginning but with time memory of her will either fade away or you will start to notice that the way you view them(the memories) and her in general changed. Changed in a sense that they'll appear like just normal memories from your past, like the memory of using the toilet for the first time in your new apartment - just a memory, nothing more. Keep yourself occupied and happy.

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answered 04 Nov, 12:57

Marin's gravatar image

Marin
1.4k321

I see what you did there :) I appreciate your feedback. And honestly, I need a down-to-earth one like yours every now and then, if only to keep the focus straight. However, that what you call 'classic' is something I'm experiencing for the very first time, even though I've had quite a few relationships before her. Taking everything into account, not just my feelings but the entire relationship, conversations, feelings expressed, our world views, literally everything, convince me it's unfinished.

(04 Nov, 13:27) MusMus

And yes, it probably sounds stubborn and in a way it absolutely is. But don't you recognize that feeling? That in spite of everything, in contrast to everything going on, with all the knowledge and past events taken into account and despite all reason and logic, you still 'know' something isn't finished - yet? Call it intuition, call it clinging to an emotional dream, but it's there. I am strong and I am moving forward, even though it hurts. I just need support in how to channel everything :)

(04 Nov, 13:31) MusMus

And for all I know, the 'unfinished' part is a closing conversation, where I can truly put things behind me, that still hasn't taken place. Or a second try of our relationship that will eventually fail and definitely close all doors. Or a second try of our relationship that will end in the 'happily ever after' because we needed to grow individually, apart from each other, first. I don't know, but that feeling persists. In the past, all I had was pain, but never anything like this. Makes sense?

(04 Nov, 13:37) MusMus
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Asked: 03 Nov, 16:12

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