Hello to everyone.
Firstly I would like to say that I am really grateful for every information I found on this forum. It's really saving my life I think. It's my first post here and to be honest its one of not that many posts that I ever wrote anywhere in the internet sphere. I just feel now that this is something I should do. Maybe for some, one, tiny bit of information which I didn't found yet or maybe just for getting this all out from my head. My story even short is pretty interesting. At least I think that.
I am with my wife 13 years. 7 years married. We have 6 years old son. We had our anniversary last Saturday. All these years we have been pretty all the time in love, happy to be with each other. Few years back we both started to learn more about self-development and law of attraction and positivity. This, in turn, manifested eventually in a big change in our lives. Four years ago we moved from a small village in Poland, where we both lived since our births, to a small town in the UK. Moreover, we both manage to start a business here, and both are doing good. Maybe not great but we both are doing what we like and what even more important we don't have any bosses. So looking to that from this point, it is going well. Of course in daily life, it's much harder to not being focused on unwanted and forget how much did we achieved.
But the main problem is that a few months ago we started to have issues in our relationship, and my wife started to change. Change dramatically.
Firstly she stopped initiating sex and stopped to saying that she loves me first, and stopped giving me hugs. We were spending less time with each other because she is working a lot. In this month's slowly unnoticed by me situation changed to this point that I am doing all house chores, I am spending time and caring for our son for 90% of the time and I am basically doing everything else. Bills, shopping etc.
She started going out with friends more and more, to the point a few weeks ago where had bigger fight, and when she told me that she feels controlled, that I am not her dad to tell her what to do and that she doesn't feel anything to me anymore and want to move out. The funny thing is that this fight, as all past fights recently, ended in the same manner. We both agree that these are out manifestations, that we focused too much on unwanted and that our beliefs from childhood are also taking big parts in our feelings and thought now. And all we can do is to try to feel good as much as we can, try to focus more on positive aspects and see where do we get with that. At this point from financial reasons, we can't separate, so we still live together. And it is all messed up pretty good. There are no signs of affection from her and when she is at home she spends most of the time with the phone in her hand. And I mean a lot of time. I mean most of the time. Even few our without break. She stopped caring for our son, and when he wants something from her (mostly attention) she sometimes says: "You won't be telling me what to do".
My view on all of this is that I created/attracted all of this gradually, focusing too much on unwanted. I and because all of that I was forced to start really doing vibrational work learn much more and apply much more. And for the first time actually, I was able to move my Vibrational set point DELIBERATELY from worry to contentment, hopefulness and to deliberately go to the Vortex few times for longer spans of time, for the first time in my life to be honest. From the Vortex I see everything clearly, I just KNOW, why all this happen what beautiful lesson it is, what I want and even what I should do with my life. And I am not worried at all. Unfortunately, there are times out of the Vortex. And Oh Boy! It is real pain! I mean real bottom of the scale where I even have thought about ending all of this (i mean life). What for the most of the time sound stupid for me because I know what feeling are, that all this stories and pain is not real, and that eventually, everything gonna be good. One way or another. It's just hard because a few months ago I had a loving, caring wife, and not me and my son are treated like air or even worst. Where I am not on the bottom I know that my beliefs about myself are playing a big role in that. Being not worthy, insecurity etc.
I tried to work on my beliefs, feeling, self-image, with EFT, Faster EFT, Focus blocks, Focus wheels, Bashar techniques, Quantum living., MC2 methods any few more. But I don't see or feel much of the change. I am trying to think about my wife only in positives and when I see something that triggers me I say to myself "I love you for that". That somehow helps a little bit, but on the other hand, when negative momentum starts and I can't stop it, I think judging, the victim thought for a longer time. Now I feel somehow stuck with the situation and just don't know what to do next. I feel tired.
Maybe you have any thought, experiences or ideas for me what to do, how to act and what to change? Thank you in advance. Lukas
asked 27 Dec '17, 06:12
All the best to you in mastering this great challenge in your life! I wish you and your wife very well.
You seem to be doing very well in terms of your vibration work- putting yourself in a good place vibrationally, and using all the tools that you know to improve your feelings. Circumstances don't matter- state of being matters! You're living that, and it doesn't really matter that you can't always maintain the positivity- that is actually part of the process, and it is also good, because the rough feelings are such a clear demonstration where your habitual vibration is out of alignment with who you really are.
I encourage you to continue with your vibrational work. The worst bouts of negative feelings are also the greatest opportunities to use Bashar's method, in that they allow you to say to yourself: What would I have to believe in order to feel this? And then you can uncover the belief, and when you do, and it appears nonsensical, it is gone- and since the circumstances have thrown you into your own greatest vibrational turmoil, you have the opportunity to use Bashar's method to uncover some of your greatest fears.
What also helps very much is to imagine your preferred relationship, and spend a lot of time doing that in your creative workshop, and allow that imagination to satisfy your craving for closeness. It can be very vivid, and it will bring much needed positive energy.
So far so good.
As for how to act, my instinct is to put your wife on the spot and demand to know what is going on. Her behavior is perfectly consistent with someone in a monogamous relationship who had a fling and is now feeling so guilty she would sooner completely withdraw from her relationship rather than face herself- let alone her partner. It could be something else, but I can't really think of anything that would explain it so well.
I had my experiences with those situations, and boy it's not fun at all, but it's also so understandable, so human. It's like we're born emotional schizophrenics, and then we have all that church baggage culturally laid on top that all but prevents us being honest about it. I think it would be perfectly fair, and actually quite downstream, to demand to know what caused her sudden change of behavior, in detail. Regardless of whether my guess is true or there is something else going on, this can start a process of more openness and forgiveness, and your relationship may end up stronger than before, because you can become more confident, and build greater trust where both of you may have thought none was possible, in these fringe areas of human experience that are so defining yet so rarely honestly spoken of.
Thinking more about it, the behavior you describe is also consistent with the idea that she still loves you, and doesn't really want to leave- if she's like most women she wouldn't have a problem finding a friend's couch to crash on if she truly felt she needed to go- and if it truly were downstream for her to go, someone would offer her a large city mansion with a pool to house-sit. Financial reasons, shminancial reasons- when you are emotionally clear that you want to go, you go. It's when you don't really want to go but see no alternative, that's when you say you want to go and make excuses why you can't, catching yourself in a kind of unbearable limbo situation.
So I can only encourage you to embark on what will probably be the greatest adventure of your life- discover with great care and with great honesty what is going on, make your feelings heard, make it known that you do not agree with the way that things are going, and how you feel, and make sure she knows about all the things that you need to do vibrationally just to get through the day. I find in this situation it would be perfectly downstream to be very persistent in demanding such a talk, or even lots of them, regardless of any other consequences, to start a process of reconciliation.
This is probably the most challenging part, the paradox that in order to have your relationship, you must let it go. If the idea of your relationship ending is deeply unpleasant and undesired, now that's perfectly normal, as we are attaching creatures, us humans. If it goes so far, however, that you would be willing to completely bend yourself out of shape in order to maintain your relationship rather than go crazy, that would be a sign of holding a sweeping negative belief. And perhaps that belief, most likely something along the lines of considering it romantic not to be able to live without your partner, or something along those lines, is probably where your contribution to the creation of the current crisis lies. So I would direct all my effort specifically towards uncovering every last bit of the web of beliefs that are trying to tell you that your relationship ending is something that you need to be horrifically dreading. While in truth, you would want to do all you can for your relationship, because this is your partner after all- and you would take a lot of time to reorient if it would end, to be sure- but it would be, like all things, a new adventure.
Taking that perspective, and having a new, more eager and positive outlook, you will be ready to act. It is good not to act prematurely, but when you have modified your fear-of-end beliefs and made some good progress, you may feel it is time to act. I would recommend to ask, ask, ask, ask ask. What is going on? Do you really no longer love me or did you just say this when you were angry? If you don't, what are you still doing here? If I were to ask you to leave right now, could you do it? Why did things change so suddenly? You may be discovering whole realms that you may have not known about, both scary and inspiring, and it is quite possible that the experience will end up unambiguously positive for all the added depth.
In discussing these difficult things, I have found it magically life-saving to bring as much loving kind energy with me as I possibly can. In order to help this along in the situation itself I found it is good to use a spiritual technique from Huna. Explain to yourself that green symbolizes love, and bath both yourself and her beautiful, dynamic, powerful brightly glowing green clouds of love while you are doing your talking- and whenever you can. That alone has helped me very, very much in getting unstuck.
I wish you all the best of success, and that you might master yet another aspect of being a human. We do specialize on earth, most of us, and live this way, in oder to experience those things that can only be had here, in our limitations. This is good! It is all worthwhile, regardless of how things turn out. Do enjoy the adventure!
answered 28 Dec '17, 10:49
I can relate to a lot of what you write so I hope that another point of view might be helpful.
My first reaction was that I admire your willingness to continually move forward. I think from a human point of view you have been through so many changes. Changing countries especially causes us to question so many things that we learned when we were young. I don't know if you can completely appreciate the impact that this has had on you and your wife.
I'm also fascinated that both of you are interested in LOA.
If I could give one area to look at, it would be about the expectations that you have for your wife. How do you expect her to be and what do you expect her to do? What do you want from her and for her? When you are both calm, talk about your feelings using Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Perhaps you are trying to do too much work on your own, when the work is about the communication with your wife.
About 40 to50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher. The rest of them are married to alcohol or drugs. This shows marriage itself has some problem as the great scientist Albert Einstein intuitively discerned: "The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig."
This is true of every aspects of our life. That is why the world is called duniya in many languages. Duniya is a combination of two words (du = negative prefix + niya = law, rationality ..etc). Hence duniya would mean the place where irrationality is rationalized and rationality is irrationalized. This situation would continue for some more time, and things will be "renewed" and New World will start again. (Mathew 19:28)
In everyone's life, happiness and sorrow alternate like day and night (Micro History) In every cycle of history, happiness rules the first half as there is no ego, and sorrow rules the second half like day and night (Macro History) because people are egoistic. In rainy season we desire for summer, and vice versa. So is happiness and sorrow in the case of individual and collective individuals.
This cycle cannot have any beginning nor end. We can only accept what happens in particular to us and in general. When ocean itself is salty, we cannot ask why is this drop salty?
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