Hi, I'm in lot of doubts and confusions on what I want in the area of my relationship with men. I have been engaged 3 times and I backed off. I have what I believe is a valid reasons for backing off. But it has become a concern to me, that I keep on doing that.
The recent engagement that I have called of was something i thought of I will stay no matter what, but I always seem to find enough reasons to back off and my reasons are valid to me. Well my boyfriend whom I was engaged until last week, doesn't think it over and we still communicate.
I am doing that to make the break up easy for him as i feel his paid lots of price for this relationship. What is it that I need to work most in my life that will help me find out why this and the repetition please?
Can someone help? I understand the information I have given out might not be enough, but I prefer to answer any question that helps to find the problem than telling lots of stories.
If your backing off then perhaps these guys werent for you.
I would be interested to know how you met up with the last 3 guys. Did you seek them out,or visa versa,or did you just happen upon them.
With the finding a partner game ive learnt its best to make the request and then wait. Its an area of my life that was so important to me i really wanted divine input and intelligence to go to work on it. I didnt want to in any way manufacture a relationship or even go out and look. I affirmed in my mind and heart that God would bring someone to my door. And in a way he did.
Now there are many other people who have gone out and looked,persued their choice of partner,landed them and been happy.
Its a complicated issue,i cant offer a very good answer im afraid.But i can say that Source/God is every bit as good at bringing a partner into someones life as he is money or healing.
answered 13 Jan '11, 17:11
Hi Seedtime and welcome,
Why do you want to get married?
Is it to the right person?
Cause life says you should?
Why did you say yes?
What did you feel when you said yes? Now go back, be very honest with yourself and think of how you felt. Excited? Relaxed? Hesitant?
My instincts say that when it is right, you feel "at home" when you make that choice.
Maybe the question should not be "Why did I back out?" but Why did I even say yes to begin with.
The wonderful thing about this site and the incredible people here is that you are almost forced to ask your self more questions and in turn find your own answers.
answered 13 Jan '11, 17:26
the answer is probably within the first phrase , try to analyse these doubts and confusions
answered 13 Jan '11, 18:04
My guess is that something in your life experience has caused you to fear committment.
It may be something that has happened in the past that is no longer in your conscious awareness - because it is painful, you have suppressed the memory. Or it may even be something that is within your awareness but that you are in denial about. If it's the former and you really want to uncover the cause, you have no option but to take that journey within. If it's the latter, then you are going to have to be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge what it is and why you are letting it have a hold on you.
Some of the other suggestions about asking yourself what you really want could also be beneficial when you uncover why you keep doing this.
One other thing I will add is that if you are keeping the communication with your boyfriend going, out of pity, I would suggest that you'd be doing him a bigger favour by dropping the communication now rather than later.
Thanks seed time for elaborating on your situation. Based on what you wrote in the answer section - without a doubt, I think you were right in calling a halt to the proceedings. No relationship can move forward when it has been based on dishonesty - I think judging by all that you said it would be extremely hard for you to reach a place of trust.
I think a good question for you to be asking yourself right now is "why did I attract this situation in the first place?" I don't know your reasons for breaking the other engagements, if there was any similarity, so only you can discern if there is commitment issues within you.
However, if I was in your position, I think I'd be taking some time right now to figure out me and what I really want, because until you do that you're going to continue to recreate similar situations. Take some time to figure out what you really want - Be the person that you want to attract and then you can only attract someone in alignment with that. Good Luck :)
This is not the right time for you to get engaged! Your heart is still searching for your Knight in Shinning Armor, and when he shows up, your heart will know no other man!
So, relax, and enjoy life, until your Knight shows up to sweep you off of your feet, and to take you home with him. Good luck!
answered 14 Jan '11, 07:37
Inactive User ♦♦
Let me try to explain more so that you guys get the whole picture:
Lets call my ex-fiance George.I met Gorge online a year ago.I was in my home town for one year vacation and some other personal challenges that kept me home and do nothing.I was kind of free and my mind was not occopied with anything.I wasn't really looking for a man, but it just happened.George is all this man I always wanted to be with in the inside but not on the side.I never been attracted on how he looks on the out side,but everything inside which I have thought is the most important things in life.He is permanently based in the UK.George has been married b4 and have 2boys who lives in the UK with there mother.Even if I never wanted anyone whose been married and have kids,all this concerns were forgotten then.I've convinced myself that;both how he looks in the out side and the fact of having 2 boys are nothing compared to the kind of man he is.We dated for 3 months online and then he decided to come and pay me a visit. During his first visit of me, he also proposed and I said "YES".However, during this 10 days of spending time with him I had a another concern that George might be gay but in denial. With this question in my mind,his left for UK as his 10 days vacation were over.Our plan was for me to join him as soon as I can and start living togthere, but later on I'v changed my mind and decided to based in South Africa, where I always been.So I am in SA and he was in London.We spend 9 months with out seeing each other in person again, but kept the comunication on the phone and chat. In fact not even a day has passed with out talking.
Later, we both agreed that he moves to SA where I am based instead and find a job so that we can be together.But with was agreed on the term that he allowed himself 6 month to settle and get into the system.But he only came with 400us which not even enough for a moth to settle in SA. So I felt like I am responsible since he came for me and I have to make everything work for us. This wasn't easy for me at all cuz I am still in the process of settlement after being away for a year and do nothing. I tried to tell him to change his plan and come prepared but he refuse since his mind was already off and ready to leave.
He came and spend in my flat for a month and left for his home town to sort out some paper work to be able to work in SA. I had a very thought time for one month in many ways, the feeling that he might be gay became so strong and every day I am confronted with it. And then later I was told by his ex-wife( divorced) that they are still married in paper and this I didn't know.Well I have confonted him why he never told me and how come he wanted us to get married in SA this year, but he gave a reasons that he thought it was going to be done before he left Uk and it has taken more time than he thought, and the reasons he never told me is cuz I ever asked. Now I am thinking, Am I walking out of the rlsp cuz of all the above issues or I am just affraid of comitment and just look for a reason...
This answer is marked "community wiki".
answered 21 Jan '11, 07:32
It seems to me that you are so fixated on getting married to the 'right guy' that your attitude has become one of finding and noticing all the little things why he 'might not be the one'.
I have to admit that I used to have a similar attitude about wanting to get married once and only once in my life 'to the one and only right guy'. This attitude did not really work well for me as I was attracting all the little things from my partner that would justify him not being the right guy for me.
Just give up and go with the flow. If you like the guy and enjoy being with him, then that is all that counts. Focus on how you feel when you are with him. If after that, you feel good about the idea of getting married to him just the way he is, then maybe you should do so.
answered 21 Jan '11, 12:57
Seed time, you're better off on your own for now. I feel you're a strong, good-hearted woman and don't need to settle for a relationship that bodes ill from the start (his lack of honesty.) Do not let him make you feel guilty and responsible for his move. He is obviously trying to get away from his problems in the UK (divorce.) That doesn't mean you can't be his friend and help him any other way you can.
Another advise for the next time. Do not settle! When it is the right one for you, you'll just know it and have no doubt whatsoever. I know because I have found mine.
Best of luck, namaste
answered 21 Jan '11, 09:21
It sounds like you could have a touch of Philophobia, but for you it is only a touch. It doesn't seem to get bad for you until you get too close to marriage. For me it starts when I get too close to having any kind of relationship, so you at least can have a boyfriend, I can't have a girlfriend.
Philophobia is a fear of being or falling in love, it has these known causes.
Control, change, responsibility, and a fear of getting hurt again.
"Some common reasons shown by victims of philophobia for not indulging in love relationships:
If you are philophobic you can say that you don’t want anyone to exercise power over you which you think will ruin your happiness and independence
You may not like someone as your life partner instructing and dictating about things you should and should not do
One reason can be that you had an unsuccessful marriage, which ended up in a fussy divorce with lots of blames and accusations. You don’t want the same thing to happen to you again
You may feel that if you are in love you may become dependent on your partner and lack self-confidence
You don’t want to love anyone simply because you are afraid of rejection
You may think that love, which ends up in marriage, is nothing but a list of responsibilities and liabilities and you dislike such stuff. Therefore, your simple equation is no love = no marriage = no responsibility
You have seen fifty percent of marriages ending up in divorce and so you know that your relationship will not last for long
You have an idea that when someone is in love he tends to act stupidly or foolishly. You don’t want the same thing to happen to you
For you lovers are rogues and you don’t want anyone make a fool out of you"
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