in a relationship, why can nice feel unattractive

asked 13 Jan '11, 22:47

dupes's gravatar image


edited 13 Jan '11, 23:08

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Because being nice does not always mean being honest.


answered 13 Jan '11, 23:26

Vesuvius's gravatar image


Or because sometimes the nice can be "too sweet to be wholesome" - in other words the niceness just doesn't come across as authentic.


answered 14 Jan '11, 00:43

Michaela's gravatar image


The etymology of the word 'nice' is stupidity, foolish, silly, not-knowing or ignorance. Being nice is a state or descriptor in the realm of the intellectual aspect of our total reasoning. To be nice is to be shallow vs. deep, or to be seen that way. Rather than go in to all the possible ways it might seem unattractive, I'll just say that being in relation to (that is, by analogy), is not same as being in Unity. It's somewhere else along the journey to enlightenment. Our heart (essence) can recognize this. Questions arise constantly about who you're with and how you feel about the relationship and what's going on with it. Why precisely does it exist? It can be taxing. I'm going through it now with a couple of friends I've known for 30 and 10+ years. Being 'nice' is not going to clarify my understanding. I've got to be direct, not diplomatic. Could be simply that I'm the one whose changing and need answers.


answered 30 May '12, 17:38

Noel's gravatar image


edited 30 May '12, 18:18

People can often confuse "nice" and "neediness".

Everyone wants nice people. We also want confident people who love themselves. Think about it. Its not that people necessarily want someone who treats them bad- they want someone who is confident in themselves.

I think it all gets scrambled up. Because, when we find a needy person, it becomes suffocating... the "spark" disappears. This is why I, and many teachers, preach the "love yourself first." You really have to. We all have to take care of ourselves first. We aren't meant to bear the weight of another, that isn't what love. Love is when two people come together to be in shear enjoyment of one another- it isn't meant to 'save' you. And many people become very dependent upon it, which unfortunately ruins relationships.

My "first love" is a good example. I was happy, things were good. Then I met him. He told me all the time how sweet and nice I was, he loved that. It was really fun for awhile. Good memories. But then little things started to make me doubt and worry, and I became needy. Needy as in the things I did were incredibly nice, but they were out of the need to see him. So that relationship came to a very harsh ending.

We just have to learn to love ourselves first, and not worry about losing that person. It can be hard, but the best relationships are when both people do love themselves as much as each other. No neediness or doubt or worry. Just enjoying life together. :)

Hope that helps:)


answered 30 May '12, 23:23

LapisLazuli's gravatar image


"Michaela" mentioned "authenticity". Yes, it's the crux of healthy relationships. There are "evolutionary couples" that are quite conscious that they are a "work in progress". They work consciously to achieve the "unity" you speak of. Good question! I have had the same issue when people say I am "nice" while handling situations that they would have handled differently. I will think about this differently from now on, though sometimes for the more unaware, being too direct can create more pain.

(04 May '14, 14:42) Noel

noel, perhaps nice has a positive side, like being aware and sensitive to the differing opinion, some may call it compassion. even-though many of us remember the adage of 'nice guys finish last. it be a matter of where priorities are.

(04 May '14, 20:30) fred

What have you done to feel unattractive, or are you a perfectionist?

Or perhaps you are just being hard on yourself, or you lack self confidence, or maybe you have a low self esteem!

So you will have to do some soul searching, to correct this negative problem that is confusing you. Good luck!


answered 14 Jan '11, 07:51

Inactive%20User's gravatar image

Inactive User ♦♦

Good question dupes:

It's human nature to want to be attractive to others, but if someone says that your 'nice' it doesn't mean that you're not attractive.

You best bet is to find and covet self-respect...

If you find and feel that quality most of the time, whatever else you get will be gravy.

Thanks for asking.


answered 15 Jan '11, 14:18

The%20Prophet's gravatar image

The Prophet

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Asked: 13 Jan '11, 22:47

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Last updated: 04 May '14, 20:30

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