My father died suddenly-very suddenly and unexpectedly-four years ago. I have taken the college class, "Living with Death", so I know all about grief from a theoretical and knowledgeable base. yet, even so, I find that sometimes, waves of pain hit me, and I miss him so very much.

I should add that I learned in my class that sudden deaths can take up to ten years to recover from.

I just got to thinking about him today (it being Saturday, when we used to talk on the phone), and I got to wondering what advice my Inward Quest friends would give to me, and to anyone in this situation.

I find it's one thing to know about grief, and another to experience grief.

Any advice and shared experiences would be very helpful to me, and perhaps to us all.

Thanks and blessings, Jai

asked 13 Feb '11, 00:10

Jaianniah's gravatar image


Ah Jaiannah, I can't offer anything useful here but I feel for you all the same and will be interested to hear what others offer.

(13 Feb '11, 10:25) aquamarine

I can't offer too much here Jai - As you so rightly pointed out, only those who have 'experienced' the same depth of grief can really help. I'm sure you're helping others by asking :)

(13 Feb '11, 23:05) Michaela
showing 0 of 2 show 2 more comments

After my father had died a few years back, my immediate grief was to be expected. But when it lasted I looked inward and thought that maybe what I perceived as grief was just a selfish act. I began to identify myself with HIS death. NOT COOL! Me being sad is about ME. That doesn't seem fair to him. When I think of him I should think and feel joy for his lifetime and be super happy that he has returned home. Was I stealing his thunder by taking his life and trying to give it my life importance.

I think so.

I am not saying this is true with you Jaianniah but it might be something you want to look at. It is not pretty or fun but at times our ego wants to pull back the attention to itself rather than "let things be"

I now every time, think of my father with a smile, a thank you and a small apology (for my small bout of selfishness)

That was my experience.

Be well

Much Love



answered 13 Feb '11, 21:37

jim%2010's gravatar image

jim 10

If I could vote more than once for this answer I would ( I don't generally feel the need to tell people when I vote ). I love your answer and that you're 'aware' enough to realize that you were in fact doing a disservice to your Dad's memory by making it about you. I think this is where we quantum leap in our own growth process - by being 'aware' enough to recognize our own ego at play and being even more 'aware' to admit it. Good for you Michael :)

(13 Feb '11, 23:00) Michaela

Thank you so much Michaela. That dang mirror will get ya every time. Taking a hard look at yourself is a challenge :)

(15 Feb '11, 14:58) jim 10

thoroughly review your concept and fear of death.
our society in some respects over emphasizes this sojourn on earth as the most important aspect of life.
also, it may be help to realize that the opposite of death is birth and maybe not the end of life


answered 13 Feb '11, 12:51

fred's gravatar image


I just remembered this poem I found a long time ago and always loved. I don't know if it is a comfort to anyone grieving, I just think it is very beautiful and a nice way to look at it.

Parable of Immortality ( A ship leaves . . . ) by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing by the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes! Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the places of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes! ' , there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout : 'Here she comes!'


answered 13 Feb '11, 20:05

aquamarine's gravatar image


A few years back, my brother, committed suiccide. It was quite unexpected for he had a good job, a wonderful girlfriend, and truly took care of himself. He was athletic and watched what he ate. A few months later, my mom passed away after a long struggle with cancer. The thing is that we never told mom of her son's death. She died believing all her children were happy and thriving.

There was a time when everywhere I looked I'd see him in other men. And yes I know that sharp pain that hits quite well. Since I've started my spiritual journey, I no longer miss my dead loved ones, for I know they are with me and helping me. For instance, my brother was the one who delivered me the message of One. My mom and brother communicate with me whenever I make a big decision to let me know I am on track. This is usually done with turning on/off electrical lights/flickering....(I used to be too freaked out with the more direct physical approach where they'd switch off the light, me feeling the hair rising on my back, a cold air, my mind going blank and the thought spirit registering...............)

So, Knowing they're always there and still interested in my journey and helping me, has erased the pain of missing them, and I realize that my journey here is quite temporary like someone on a vacation.

Lots of love jai


answered 14 Feb '11, 11:31

daniele's gravatar image


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Asked: 13 Feb '11, 00:10

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Last updated: 14 Feb '11, 11:31

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