If I am asked to do something and I don't have something else planned, I find it difficult to say no. Even if I really don't want to do it. I help out at a local school and because I am creative am always being asked to design things, make things, run clubs etc. Even if they don't mean to, it seems like they are taking advantage. Consequently I am having to make sure that I am busy the whole time so that I can truthfully say I can't do something.

Can anyone help me to be more selfish with my time. How have you overcome this kind of problem?

asked 14 Feb '11, 12:16

evelyn's gravatar image


edited 14 Feb '11, 15:11

Kathleen%20Kelly's gravatar image

Kathleen Kelly ♦♦

are you being used or are you enjoying the experience, choice, a spot decision is now due, what else is valued with and without. it is something done for the self, your decision

(16 Feb '11, 00:42) fred

I find it difficult to say No to other peoples requests but I have learned over time that approaching it differently has helped. Now when a request is put to me I say "Can i get back to you on that" and allow myself time to find out ....what I really want! By approaching the situation this way I have found that sometimes when I say Yes, I am doing it out of the need to be liked. I am now dishonouring myself and allowing resentment to settle into the task that I have just committed too and that is not a nice feeling. However the responsibility comes back to me, I was the one that said YES in the first place. What I have learned in short is press the "Pause Button" and go within to find out what your true feeling are.

Hope this has helped.



answered 14 Feb '11, 12:39

Susan%201's gravatar image

Susan 1

edited 14 Feb '11, 19:41

I'm definately going to use the pause button, thanks for that idea

(15 Feb '11, 07:46) evelyn

Great question! I had this problem really bad and still have it sometimes.

The conclusion that always comes out of these situations: You WILL get taken advantage of and you will end up having bad feelings towards them.

I know this and still at times I struggle saying no or being there right when someone says so.

I think you are actually being more selfish saying yes to everything becasue it is really all about YOU being seen a certain way. (Ok that may be a bit harsh but there is an element of truth to it.) To say no at times you are actually giving them the gift of keeping them from doing wrong or taking advantage.

It is due to low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It is sucks but needs to be managed.

Next week plan to say NO for every time you say yes. Start small, don't just go cold turkey. But I think each time you say no, and HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for saying no, it will change you and make you feel good. Don't be a dick about it either. Say no in a very neutral way, like, I'm going to pass on this one, thanks, or not today, thanks! Remember, it is how you feel when you say it, not what you are saying that gets interpreted.

You trying to take up time so you can feel better about saying no is not helpful ut I get why you are doing that. Clever, but not helpful.

Make sure you have no excuse, and "say no thanks, I'll pass on this one".


answered 14 Feb '11, 20:39

Back2Basics's gravatar image


Thanks for that, I somtimes do feel as though I'm being taken advantage of,but I feel thats my problem, not the askers.

(15 Feb '11, 07:47) evelyn

It must be remembered if you are going to do a service and be resentful about doing it then you should just say no. If the service is going to make me feel bad and think bad about the person then I am not serving that person at all. I am seeing and believing that person to be a burden on me.

As I believe that person to be a burden then I am resentful and haven't the love and compassion of genuine caring to help the person. I look at the help as an obligation not as an offering of friendship and compassion, that is the world way and is not a way that is spiritually satisfying.

It is looking at the deed as "Alright I'll help you, but you'll owe me for this!" Or as "Never forget I helped you that one time years ago so don't you forget that!" That is wrong the other thing people do is help others to say to people, "what-his-name needed help and I helped him! It was me, no one else would help but I was there." Or to show God "look God I am helping these people here, I hope you are watching and keeping score here!"

All totally wrong and will get their own rewards of recognition but little else, and you can't get points with God by trying to get points with God. But if you are really concerned and compassionate without looking for any reward or recognition, the reward that comes back will be great. This has to come from a want to help and be of service not from an guilty obligation to be of service.

Gandhi said it best in this quote "Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the one who serves nor the served, but all pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy."

Mahatma Gandhi


answered 15 Feb '11, 05:21

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

Very well said Wade! thank you

(16 Feb '11, 13:39) daniele
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Asked: 14 Feb '11, 12:16

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Last updated: 15 Feb '11, 05:21

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