Please read my story, I want to hear your advice.
Around 3 or 4 months ago, I had a big problem within myself about finding love, I didn't think I would ever meet that person. I'm an IT student and spend alot of time at my computer on my own, gaming and so on, which made me feel like wasting time for some reason and I had basically no self-love(not related to being an IT person ofcourse).
I started going to the gym, and found out I really love spending time on something else then my computer, I was working out around 6 times a week for months long, seeing the progress in my body and mind aswell, I started loving myself alot, I do as of now. It made me alot more social and boosted my self-confidence way high.
Somewhere within these 3-4 months, I met a girl that had this "Yes, this is her" feeling(note that I had never had this feeling before).
This girl was in a very very bad relationship with a guy that treated her like trash. I was in agony seeing her that way. We started talking to each other alot, and I supported her with her troubles. I started feeling so much for her that I couldn't hold it anymore. I told her how I felt(feel) about her, and she told me I should forget about it, which felt like a brick shattering my soul at that moment, I was broken.
Days of pain passed but we still talked alot, and about very personal stuff aswell, we were very close and went shopping and doing fun stuff here and there together. Meanwhile she was in pain about her boyfriend who had broken up with her, where I still keep supporting her and offering my shoulder to her.
Yesterday her (now ex) boyfriend definitely broke up with her, it had been playing around for a few weeks but she didn't want to accept it, she kept trying to find solution for their relationship to work, but he stopped having feelings for her.
Their relationship was based on lying, ignoring, hating, they both hated their in laws, in my opinion it wasn't a relationship at all, but more a path of pain.
Seeing this I KNOW I can offer this girl everything she desires in a relationship. I feel like I am the perfect boyfriend for her and I know I can make her pains disappear, I can rehab her in everything she's been wanting, but for some reason she cannot see it, as she is still so focused on the pain she has from her previous boyfriend.
Others I talk to others about this subject tell me I should just rid of her, "she isn't worth you and your time", but my gut tells me I cannot, I just cannot let this girl go, but on the other end I am constantly in pain about it myself, I kept telling her to get rid of her (ex)boyfriend back then, she said she wanted to but couldn't. I am in exactly the same situation as her about herself, and I havn't a clue what to do. I feel like I want to support her forever to her needs, but when I do that from the distance I am at right, I will break myself again, it feels like an "everything or nothing" question, but I cannot do that to her, because I don't want to lose her.
IQ, shine yourself upon my story. I really need some advice. if you need something clarified, just ask.
(couldn't think of a proper title, please feel free to edit)
From your question you seem to be a balanced ,decent and caring chap.You also seem literate,gaining in education,look after yourself physically and are gaining in self confidence.
You are going to naturally attract someone similar Spirituoso.
Imagine the perfect relationship,DONT imagine anyone specifically ( i know this is hard!)
Sit back and wait. Keep studying,keep excercising,keep enjoying life.
Shes being drawn to you,your being drawn together.
Trust me....i know.It happened to me.
answered 03 May '11, 11:47
EFT is a fast, effective way to eliminate negative emotions, obsessive thoughts, fears, etc... Also, if you really do care about her, then realize her pain. She just ended a bad relationship. She needs time to heal. Right now she needs a friend. If you jump in to a relationship with her now, it won't last. You said you could rehab her. Well, don't ever enter a relationship with the idea that you are going to fix the other person. Either you love them they way they are, or you don't. A relationship is not a social experiment where you try to fix people or make them into who you want them to be. It is a place where you will grow and change, but only you can fix you.
answered 02 May '11, 13:17
You might feel that you have everything to offer that she needs, and perhaps it is true. It's possible that she is the right person for you. But I suggest you give things time and do not be pushy at all. The end of this other relationship will be something she will need time, thought and space to put behind her before she starts another. Just see youself in a loving, fun relationship with "someone"......if it's her and if she is healed from her former love maybe it will all work out. Just please don't interfere with her free will, or it will be you who might get disappointed and hurt. Give her time and support as you have been doing; that's your best bet! Best wishes....
answered 02 May '11, 14:17
First of all I am excited for you. Excited for the fact that you know what "that" feeling is like and I would imagine that you will feel this feeling a few more times.
Now lets go back and look again at your situation. And you know you have already answered your question ;). When you say that she is THE one, on closer look that is a very odd and strange statement. Imagine if a higher source, lets say God, did give us the opportunity to be with our ONE love. That would suck! There is only ONE? ONE for me? Now I know we use that phrase not literally but we truly do believe (at that moment) that this connection that has been made ( a potential need to be filled) and in no way can be passed up. Well it can be passed up. What you are feeling now is not love. What you are feeling is you being there for someone and she is being somewhat receptive to you and that feels good. Right? Lets say that the first day you talked to her she was not in the mood to talk, in a bad mood and was rude to you instead. This is very possible that you caught her on a bad day. And she did not talk to you again, would you still say she is the one. Lets say that she does get with you until she falls out of favor and goes back to her ex. Is she still the one?
Women know pretty quick what there intentions are with us (occasionally we grow on them). She has more than likely fallen into patterns with type of guys she spends her time with, and I'm guessing she like the bad boys for relationships. Why? Cause she chose him and STAYS with him. That should be proof enough of what she likes. Now if she were more like YOU then you would be perfect for her. But she is not like you, she likes trouble. The thing is you feel like a hero type to her because you lent her your ears and advice to her. You were very kind and giving to her and that is awesome. But maybe that is all you are to her and that is not bad.
You were there to fulfill a need for her and for that you should be glad. And that is what some relationships need, just that and nothing more. I have no doubt that you are a kind and giving person and many others will see that too. But the person that it matters to the most is YOU.
You have to love all that there is about you, good bad or indifferent. Know that you are a giver of love and how others take and receive that love is solely up to them, not you. They choose you and when they do, there is still no guarantee that it will last forever. When you are unattached to the outcome you accept who you are now with more enthusiasm.
So I say continue to be there for her as a friend, do not push yourself on her, actually let her go so to speak as in look for someone who shares the same values as you. Your confidence is growing.
Now go get em'
answered 02 May '11, 16:13
Thanks for your kind words folks.
OM, thank you for the long speech, it touched me and I will take in all the information you have supploed.
Monty, I am a balanced, decent and caring chap, and I certainly am growing, physically and mentally. I do not doubt she will one day, fall from the heavens into my arms. Whoever it might be. Be it this girl, or another, I will care for her.
answered 03 May '11, 14:24
Do you think that met her accidentaly ?
Think about this from the beginning of your story.
Let the your seed grown ! Don't force, push or want things just let your relationship grow while trusting your love.
answered 02 May '11, 20:11
Just came across these words of Rumi's... they seem quite appropriate.
My first love story
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They are in each other all along.
run away! she is just using you as a shoulder to cry on and will drop you!and you will never change her you saw the hate and everything well it will come back!i know trust me i have seen lots of women like that!
answered 05 May '11, 00:18
Hi Spirtuoso, I know this is an older posting but it will be helpful to anyone reading......anyway I will give you my experience as I went through the same thing. I "FELL" for this woman who took no interest in me except on a friendly level. "I knew she was the one!" So many coincidences revolved around us, including finding out our birthdays were on the same day! I don't believe in coincidences because I believe everything happens for a reason. But she just wouldn't look at me romantically, and never spoke of her personal life. I went on online forums asking advice as I was a Spirit full of pain!! The typical answer was "just get rid of her", "dump her"....these were not answers I wanted to hear from (16 year old kids) others on the forums. There's a popular song "When a man loves a woman" these lyrics are so true and the man who wrote it was feeling pain:
When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
For the good thing he's found
If she's bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down
When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she plays him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes can't ever see
This was so true in my case! I didn't want to hear what they were saying on the forums! I wanted someone to tell me how to mend my broken heart or tell me a secret formula on how to make her fall in love with me!!
I don't remember where I got the information from I just remember putting my own twist on it, and here's what I did:
In my minds eye I pictured her standing in front of me and walking towards me. The whole scene was filled with love which I could "feel." We hugged each other and I could "feel" her in my arms, I would kiss her on the cheek and mouth with the "feeling" of love flowing through me. I pictured her happily accepting and giving it back (very important for her to give it back to you), I could smell her perfume, I felt the tingly feeling of kissing her. I would repeat the process 5 to 10 times a day ranging anywhere from 10 seconds to a full minute or 2 (until something broke my concentration), I continued this for a couple of weeks to a month?...."THEN"......I noticed she started to call me and text me saying she's thinking about me, came over to my house, we started kissing and we started dating and I was just mesmerized at how everything was starting to change....."but" a few negative thoughts, hurt feelings and a big fight got mixed in, I started losing her so went back to the affirmation and she started coming back again......VERY POWERFUL!!.....you must "feel" the love (It won' be hard in your case)
....and that's not all....strangely the "feeling" of love was mending my broken heart and the pain was starting to disappear and I started feeling good again.
I hope this helps! and if your heart says she's the one....then she's the one!!
answered 06 Nov '11, 22:50
You know, your story (even though it's a while back) was almost match to match IDENTICAL with my first love as well. I actually learned from a pyschic after all the personal heartbreak of mine was over (the worst of it anyway) that she was treated very cruelly in a past relationship, and deeply hurt and cut.....She wouldnt take me because she was scared of getting hurt again.
It is the worst feeling *in the world as you probably have discovered, and I sympathise for you dearly...
I resonate with Montys answer about focusing on the perfect, dream like relationship... Try and do your best to make sure you do not ask for a real life person you know (like this girl in your story). Yes, you can use her body and attributes as a 'model' of some sort to your ideal relationship, but just dont get stuck in the trap over you asking for her....
I saw a psychich a year ago that predicted a would meet a blonde girl (which is all about this heartbreak of mine)....When i heard that, I got upset, because at the time blonde girls didn't turn me on at all, and i was actually totally disgusted by blondes for some reason....I thought I was the brunette chaser, and I wanted a brunette girlfriend and imagined only a brunette would be the dream girl.
Haha. Funny, that the girl I met who I fell completely in love with was a blonde...The point is, the universe knows the best match for you. Focus on the relationship and just have absolute faith :) Faith faith faith faith faith....
answered 08 Feb '12, 08:13
I was a couple's counselor for 24 years and you are describing a perfect triangle and "rescue fantasy" between the "victim" the "aggressor" and the nice guy. A nice guy befriends a girl who is still emotionally attached to a terrible relationship. He sees himself as the answer to her problems, but she is still trying to fix the other relationship.
She put you in the friend zone from the start. She wasn't looking for a relationship. She was looking for sympathy. Someone like that is not available. It's a hard pill to swallow, but rescuing someone from a bad relationship never works. Even if she left the guy, she will leave you at the same time because she no longer has need of you to complete the triangle.
answered 19 Jul '14, 20:59
The girl that is for you must see you as a boyfriend for her and like you as more than her friend and than as you all relationship grows you will either become closer or farther apart. We all grow and change each day. You see her as the one and she sees you as maybe only dear friend. I think you need to give her space to heal and get over the ex and their excess baggage together or maybe she wants to get back with the ex. I know that would hurt but this is her choice and she doesn't see you as the one for her as of now. So continue on wih your computer work, exercises, believing in yourself and building your self esteem up and maybe you will find someone else who you want have to rehab and she will look into your eyes and feel like you may be the one for her for you all compliment each other it feel good just to be with each other. Only time will tell. So put a pause on the relationship you hope to have with her other than friendship so you want get hurt. When we want a relationship more than the other person does we seem in our own mind take the relationship farther than it really is because we want it to happen so much. I am sorry it want work unless you are both willing to give it a try. Maybe your friendship with her to see her through a very tuff time is all it was meant to be and if so there is a lady or ladies who is looking for someone nice like you seem to be. Who knows this lady may in time see you the way you want her too and she may not.
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