I have no idea how to turn things around… I am where I am out of ignorance…i.e. I was not aware of LOA or manifestations and I experienced a horrible traumatic event in which I subconsciously placed guilt on myself for the outcome of that event.
Thus, for the last 20 + years I had all this rage and anger which caused other events in my life where the end result ended in rage and anger. Then, six years ago I finally said to myself…”the hell with the rest of the world, I am doing things my way” and since then I have attempted to get 3 new business ventures going but they have all crashed and burned with rage and anger.
From reading this Stingray comment “(That dominant feeling within us is what our manifestations match when they come, not the original visualized picture.” ) http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/1269/is-visualization-a-key-component-in-the-manifesting-process/1278#1278. I now, today understand what I was doing these last 20+ years to get myself to where I am today.
However, add to the equation that for the last 20+ years, little did I know I had this self-guilt attached to that event from the past. It haunts me to this day and every time I think I am beyond it some how some way the ugliness of it rears its ugly head.
I thought the last week or so I was making good progress but today I had my “test when trying to change your circumstances” as eluded by Stingray in this post… (http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/11945/how-do-i-deal-with-something-i-really-dont-want-to-do-until-something-better-com/11954#11954 ). Well, I failed the test and “WHAM” I fell like I am right back where I started.
So where is that? Well, I hope this visual provides a clear picture of my present feelings on what or where I am…
(Ok, I have no idea how to upload the image I created and saved in a word document. Bassically you will have to use your immagination. Based on my description...)
This visual depicted my life for the last 23 years… various situations, events, opportunities, decisions, etc. It’s been one left turn after another into a descending pit. The little black dot at the bottom is me in looking up, it appears to me that I am in a shaft with walls that are 16’ high and then there is a gradual incline from the 16’ level to the top of the hole, that I am in, which is another 50’. Basically, I am in a 66’ hole and everything I attempt as relates to staying positive and optimistic and hopeful keeps coming back in my face.
Many of the responses for various questions seem to reference doing affirmations or visualizations for the fun of it, not to force things or do it because one has to. Well, when the hole is this deep how does one not force themselves? Where is the fun?
I do well when I am reading about new things related to my development or focusing on my various learning’s/notes but when I have conversations with people and they ask how the job search is going or what am I doing I just freeze up because I do not want to have negative thoughts or ideas. Thus, I quickly change the subject and then I attempt to end the conversation so they do not come back to the questions, then I feel like a schmuck for not being able to face reality. Or even worse is when I wake up at night (every night for 2 – 3 hours) and I just lay in bed trying not to think about things only to find myself in the web of discontent. I try tapping but when I tap it wakes my wife up so I just lay their attempting to think of something positive or practice deep breathing but my mind just keeps coming back as if to say…ha! ha! ha! you can’t get away from me…
There has got to be an escape hatch…or a life line somewhere… How do I find it? I am going stir crazy! Its not that I do not accept where I am, its that I see no way out…I have prayed, I have asked for daily strength, I have asked for guidance, I have, I have, I have…and yet I am so damn desperate that I am literally at the end of my rope. There has to be a way…My God there has to be a way?????
Update or more specfic clarification...
Thanks to all for your comments and thoughts! Possibly I provided the impression that I am presently depressed, that I am in conflict with my present lot in life, or that I am saying “the hell with the rest of the world”, that I harbor anger and hatred from events past.
That’s not me today. That was me from the past lets say 3 years ago to 23 years ago. Today I am simply rearing from the results which came about from my past. The correct thing about today is that I do find myself awake at night and lying in bed wondering what am I going to do. Also, I truly am in a hole which I will provide you with a better explanation of so you can see my plight…I tried to avoid the specifics by being general but that may have resulted in the miscommunication of my specific issue…
The biggest thing is that from the 3 business failures I have incurred debt which is hanging over my head like a big ball of potatoes. In attempting to find employment, employers are conducting credit checks and thus my credit looks bad due to the size of the debt. My credit record is unblemished as relates to missed or late payments but that is not what they see, they simply see the underlying credit score/debt load. So, that’s a major issue, how can one obtain employment to pay off the debt when it’s the debt that is hindering them from obtaining employment? What a catch 22…
So the visual that I depicted is how I feel today based on my starting down this long narrow descending road for 20 years. Then 3 years ago I became aware of LOA and have educated my self on it but obtaining positive results have been difficult as my mind was so negative that it took some time to find where my issues were. I then stumbled on EFT and that has assisted me in releasing the burden from within, but the truth is that the world or the reality of my world is hung up on this debt…thus I am stuck at the bottom of this 66’ hole and I can’t free myself because apparently no employer wants someone who has such a large amount of debt hanging over their head…
Then I have to add one more part to this situation. See, when I said “the hell to the rest of the world” 6 years ago I literally burned every bridge to my previous employer (yes, “don’t burn your bridges” is valid but 6 years ago I thought I was going to make it on my own and thus I didn’t care about my bridges). So, today, I have no references from my previous employer. Thus, potential new employers have the following to go on as relates to me…last 6 years attempted to start 3 businesses which failed. Prior 7 years cannot locate any previous managers for a reference check. Thus, there is a 13 year gap in my professional history in which they have no one to collaborate on my skills, abilities, or accomplishments. Thus, my looking up from the bottom of my hole and wondering where the life line or escape hatch will come from?
Most people who feel bad about their life, or where they are, or about a particularly difficult problem, are asking themselves the wrong questions. You begin changing your thinking by changing the questions you are asking yourself.
I've been where you are. You count all of your failings in life as demerits, and wonder how you are ever going to make something of your life if you have to clear away all of the demerits first.
The good news is, you don't have to. You can start with a clean slate, every day. Really.
The only thing holding you back is your own mental habits of negative thinking, and that's no small thing. Your brain creates pathways for these negative thoughts, and every time you walk over these pathways, they get wider, until eventually they become superhighways.
But, like everything else in life, this process is reversible. You just have to keep two things in mind:
Oh, sure, I'm fully aware that there may be things in your life that seem like insurmountable problems. I assure you, they aren't. All you need is a little inspiration. What would life be like if you suddenly didn't have to worry about those problems anymore?
If you are clinically depressed, consider getting the help of a specialist, possibly with a short-term medication regimen, and/or some psychological counseling. If you can free yourself from the depression long enough to make some substantial life changes, you should be good to go after that.
But don't underestimate the power of asking yourself the right kind of questions.
Jim, I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through right now. And I know that, right now, no words I write on a computer screen are going to lift you out of your misery when you feel like there's nothing left to live for.
I can really only offer you the limited comfort that, like Vesuvius, I've also been where you are.
It took me a couple of decades of living a miserable, self-loathing life of pain to finally figure out I was doing it all to myself, and eventually what to do about it. I guess I'm a slow learner :)
I think all of us who contribute regularly to Inward Quest can empathize and even identify with your plight.
I have no doubt that all of us have been (and perhaps are still going) through a great deal of suffering...that seems to be what draws us to become deeply involved with these metaphysical subjects in the first place - the search for answers as to why we are where we are.
So is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Yes, there really is, even if sometimes it seems like a very, very long tunnel.
But, from what I remember of my own turning-around of my own life, you're probably going to have ups and downs for a period of time while your life gradually improves.
And as you start to generally feel better, through applying various processes, the dark thoughts you could previously tolerate are going to, paradoxically, feel even more painful.
But it's honestly nothing to be concerned about. You don't need to beat yourself up over it. You are not slipping backwards, even if it might appear like that in the moment.
It's just that from glimpsing the light, you're now seeing how dark the darkness was, compared to where you realize you can be - and that contrast of light and dark can seem almost unbearable at times. At least with total darkness, you know there is no hope and there's a strange kind of comfort in that.
I've previously written about this idea here and you may wish to have a look when you are feeling a bit better: Do you experience sudden bad feelings/emotions/vibrations?
These cycles of "pain" and "relief from pain" are probably going to oscillate back and forth for a while. To speed up your transition through it, I would advise taking advantage of the "good times" to push yourself further (which I appreciate may not be right now) and just ride out the "bad times" as best as you can.
answered 24 Jun '11, 22:36
Hey Jim.One of the basics of universal law(LOA) Is thoughts become things.Just about all the books and literature you have read and can read will state this somewhere.
Wow now there is a visualization.
Read Money and the Law of Attraction
Something that really helped me in a situation similar to your state of mind was the simple act of forgiving yourself. I that learned from Dr.Wayne Dyer. I also was laying in bed not sleeping feeling horrible about something I did that hurt others.I was listening to one of his books (sorry don't remember which one ) He is a very good narrator/story teller.He stated something similar to this blog post:
answered 25 Jun '11, 07:55
Well the good news is that you know that where you are right now is a result of your own choices, so where you will be in the future is a result of the choices you make right now.
I'm in no way trying to minimize or trivialize that traumatic event from the past but you are the only one keeping it alive and allowing it to still have power over you by consistently bringing it into your now moment... it doesn't exist here and has absolutely no power over you except the power you choose to give it.I know this to be true... the only way to let it go is to forgive the other person and more importantly forgive yourself.
Reading your profile Jim, you said you only needed one miracle to change your life and the life of many others. The truth of the matter is that you choosing to change your life and help others in the process is the miracle, the universe will never render a miracle based on conditions ( which is what you're asking). Acceptance of where you are now and what you have created, and making a choice in spite of that is what will create your miracle.
Believe me self guilt and self doubt will always rear their ugly heads when you try to initiate positive changes, but being aware of that and refusing to give them the time and attention they want will weaken their hold on you.
I think what hinders us a lot on this path is that we feel that in some way we have to get rid of our fears, when the truth is we merely have to become aware of and face them and they really will begin to dissipate...feel the fear and do it anyway, you'll realize it has no real power, only that which you assign it.
I really do feel your desperation but I know that you know, there is no quick fix and the only way through this requires determination and persistence on your part. And remember when you reach the bottom, the only way is up.
I'd also suggest trying alternate nostril breathing when you can't sleep at night...close one nostril with your thumb and inhale through the other,release your thumb and cover the other nostril and exhale. Do about 25 reps on each nostril... it requires focus which will quiet the monkey mind and also helps balance both hemispheres of the brain.
The life-line is you Jim... you're the only one who can provide the missing piece of the puzzle.Looking for an escape hatch may provide you temporary relief but will never provide the real piece of mind you' re looking for. And you're not really lost... you're here asking and looking for answers, just make a decision to never give up until you find what it is you're really looking for.I know, but more importantly you know, you'll get through this... that sense of panic does not have any real power, refuse to believe it:)
answered 24 Jun '11, 22:35
Right now, you need to heal. Healing is different than 'playing' with the LOA.
The first thing you need to do is devote some time in the morning to doing some EFT tapping. Tap on the guilt and any other negative emotions you are feeling the most at the time. I know when there are so many, it is hard to know where to start. I had to start with things that are bothering me right now and/or things from the past that are definately hurting me now some way. You might be able to do one round of tapping on say, guilt, but, you might have to do several. Take the time and eliminate these negative emotions that are consuming you. While you are coming up with things to tap on, ask yourself questions that will help you to understand why you aren't finding work. What are your limiting beliefs and where did they come from? Get these things ceared up in the morning so you can have a positively charged day. Then, as things come up for you throughout the day, go somewhere private if you need to and do some tapping on the issues that have come up. I really like the one handed tapping that Karen Naumen wrote about in an article. You use your thumb to tap or press the side of the nailbed of the same hand on the side closest to the thumb. I do this in public and nobody notices. It really helps for right now stress that I can't go tap on. Then, at the end of the day, tap on any issues that might be unresolved from the day, before you go to bed, so you don't have to wake your wife. Then when you lay down, say your positive affirmation like, "I love my new job," 40x or until you drift off. Don't wait until you are already distracted and having trouble sleeping, do it as soon as you are done with your prayers and listing the things that you are thankful for now, like your wife, your warm bed, your cozy home, food to eat ect... Your list of things you are greatful for.
Have a positive, yet honest answer ready for when people ask how the job search is going. You can say stuff like, "I am hopeful," or "I am hitting the street daily," or "I trust that the right job is waiting for me." When I say honest, I mean, you can say positive things you don't mean, but don't lie that you got a job just to be positive. Just making that clear, not that you would. But be prepared, so that you are not put into discomfort and it gives you another opportunity to state a positive goal.
But, please understand that you do need to do the EFT for healing, then when you get to a better place, you can 'play' with the LOA. I hope and pray you are able to pull yourself up out of this. Blessings,
answered 24 Jun '11, 23:39
Hi Jim, like most people on this site I can empathize completely with your situation. Unlike a lot of people here, I don't have a real success story to share with you right now. Like you every time I try to turn things around a huge test hits me and I usually fail. However, unlike the past when my failure would send me into a downward spiral I now find myself asking what I have learnt from this?
I'm sure like me you have spent most of your time having really dark and depressing thoughts, but let me ask you one thing - are you really involved in any constructive effort while you are having these thoughts? Chances are you are not - you would be sitting alone feeling as if this abyss you are in has no bottom at all. So try doing what I do now instead - I just tell myself if I'm not really doing anything right now but thinking, then why not just have happy thoughts? Consider it a comfort blanket - just imagine great things in your life and allow yourself to day dream and slip into that make believe world like we did when we were kids. Will life change as a result immediately? Probably not, will life change eventually? It should, will you find relief in the present moment? Hell YES!
answered 25 Jun '11, 22:07
I Think Therefore I Am
I am so proud to be part of this site, even marginally! All the answers above are tremendous! Kudos to all of you...
Jim, I have been where you are, and I could snap my fingers and get there all over again if I choose to... I guess we here all could go back to it if we chose. Maybe deep depths in life sometimes- just sometimes--can result in great heights following those depths, as the folks here have attested.
I would like to offer you a great, great meditation that I use at night when I cannot sleep. Maybe it will not solve your troubles, but at least it will occupy you whilst you are awake. I made this up from a number of different meditations I read here and there- I cut and pasted them together into the routine I am going to outline for you here.
Lay in a comfortable position, preferably on your back...You need to get into a state of total relaxation, beyond anything you have ever experienced before. To do this, you need to "subtract" from your consciousness any awareness you have of your body, lying on the bed. Once you are comfortable, concentrate on your feet. Feel them. And then, when ready, move your attention to your ankles, and "subtract" your feet from your awareness. Just keep your mind on your ankles, until you cannot feel your feet. Now move your awareness up to your lower calves, and concentrate on them,"subtracting" your ankles. In this manner, slowly move your way up your body, until you are just a head lying on a pillow.
Now you are ready for Stage Two of the meditation. In front of you are a set of twenty steps, descending into you-do-not-know-what. Count down as you go down each step, allowing yourself to go deeper and deeper into your mind. When you get to the bottom step, in a flash, you find yourself in a bare room. This room is for you. You have unlimited funds to decorate it...mine has a full-sized pool, an arboretum, a grand piano, etc. Spend some time decorating, and figuring where things go. When you are done, another set of stairs appear- Stage Three.
Go down these twenty steps as you did before. When you reach the bottom, you are going to step directly into a GOOD and HAPPY memory from your childhood. Relive the memory second by second. When you are done, yet another set of steps appear: Stage Four. Go down.
This time, when you reach the bottom, you see the large, double doors of a church. Yes, a church. Don't argue, just go in. Sitting in the front pew, down at the front, is your Higher Power- Buddha, Jesus, Zeus, God, whomever you love. (Trust me; by the time you get to this point, you'll be ready to talk to a spiritual being....LOL!) Go to the front, and sit down. Let the scene unfold. (The first time I did this, I was stunned to find myself sobbing into the lap of Jesus, but there you go.) Talk. Converse. Yell. Get it out. At the same time, observe what you discuss, what comes up! Save any analysis for some other time- just record the memory, no more.
When you are finished, just turn over, and go off to sleep. You will be able to sleep now, I promise. In fact, you may pass into sleep long before this point. That is OK.
This meditation is my gift to you, Jim, and I hope it helps the long nights ahead as you recover your balance!
Many blessings, Jaianniah
answered 25 Jun '11, 01:37
jim if you find no way out it is time you look in! i would say to you meditate master yourself on every level! you will see in your mind what is not resolve understand the meaning and put it to rest! then once you are done you will have no more guilt rage or anger! as for the hell with the world know that the universe is in balence and you reap what you sow! that is why you are there right now! but all is not lost you can decide to change that right now and it will change accordingly! as for business think about it i am doing thing my way with rage and anger and guilt hell to the world would you do business with someone like that? yes i know you will say i did not tell people that but that is what resonate with you and people feel it! counsciensly or uncounsciensly! you have free will now you know what to do just do it! maybe the fact you do not have a job right now give you the time to solve that problem and get out of that hold? make the right choice help yourself and god will help you help other people and so will you also be help!
NEW UPDATE FOR JIM
During the trip across the Sea of Galilee, a large storm comes up — so large that the boat threatens to sink after so much water has entered it. How Jesus manages to stay asleep though this is unknown, but traditional commentaries on the passage say that he slept deliberately in order to test the faith of the apostles. If that is the case, then they failed, because they were so scared that they woke Jesus up to find out whether he cared if they all drowned.
And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?
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