The double bind an inescapable mind knot
"The classic example given of a negative double bind is of a mother telling her child that she loves him or her, while at the same time turning away in disgust. (The words are socially acceptable, the body language is in conflict with it)" ...
"A double-bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, in which one message negates the other." ref.
how can we resolve such a situation ?
I think the only way out is to convey in every way possible that the instructions don't make sense.
But it is more than that.
Even the above response of "Your instructions don't make sense" allows you to walk into the trap because by saying that you are essentially saying "Please give me instructions that make sense" which means that you are acknowledging the idea "I am giving you permission to give me instructions"
What you have to do is to go for the head of the snake or nip the problem in the bud by making it very clear that the person has no authority to give you any instructions (even if in reality they do)
If it’s a boss you could potentially say "You and I both know that those instructions contradict each other" or if you are really confident, "I'm not taking either of those instructions, if I need guidance I will ask for it".
If it is a family member or a friend, you could be much more snappy and say "What kind of BULLS&&T is that? Did I give you permission to order me around? Get the F*&K out of my face"
Whatever you do don't end your response with a question like "why? Or could you? Or Please?"
Always end it with a command where you are ordering the other person around.
This doesn't work if you put up with it again and again until can't take it anymore (AKA gather enough courage) and wait for enough anger to build up before you snap.
It works only if you catch the pattern of control right at the start and snap back right away without any hesitation.
You have to practice yourself reacting to the situation by roll playing the potential event in privacy. You have to do it until you react effortlessly with anger...but only for that moment.
This technique is not for predominantly angry people.
This is for meek and gentle people who are not used to standing up for themselves.
You can use anger as a tool that you wield with deft movements instead of as an emotion that takes complete control of you.
You use it quickly and suddenly followed by a Zen like calmness.
This is exactly what people who use double binds are trained to do, but they don't like it when you turn the tables on them.
So I suggest to you that you practice and practice on all the ways you can turn the situation around when you see it happening, and then follow through without fear, because the alternative would be regret and suffering.
answered 22 Jan '12, 16:54
The double-bind situation is where you can say, "Damned if I do, and damned if I don't!"
It is the most stressful of psychological situations, as there appears that there is no way out of the problem that will give a happy resolution.
Let us create a possible double-bind situation:
Your finances are maxed-out. You need more money. But you are a stay-at-home Mom, and you have four children. After calculating the costs of babysitters, new clothing, a second car, fast food for dinner, and all the rest, you discover that there really would be no profit in going back to work. What do you do?
I actually was in this situation for years, and it really was terrible. I was constantly torn between what my husband wanted (for me to work) and the innumerable problems that would arise if I was to get a job. I got so stressed that I developed chronic migraines, which helped nobody; but this is a classic side-effect of the double-bind: health troubles.
What did I do?
I know I answered too late for this question, but I hope that my answer will at least help one person. Then my experience and struggles will have been worth it!
answered 23 Jan '12, 06:01
This is because she is not whole in her intention as to the situation of the matter as it is at hand. There is a split there as in the way you worded it double bind. With this split of action on the outside verses who she is on the inside we see that on the outside she may seem mean but the true person is on the inside and may be completely different in regard to the love she has had for her daughter. So it is with the words she speaks that betrays her true feelings verses the actions that she may be using to outwardly express those feelings like the mask of how she believes she should appear to be verses what she really is within.
It is these times that we need to identify the whole truth. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide us to what is the truth and what is the mask that the real truth is hidden from inwards underneath the mask of false appearance.
I can put on my best suit and go to church on Sunday to be seen by all as an upright Christian church going guy. This means nothing to God, it is not appearance but who we really are. God wants us to go to church in our jeans and causal dress cloths, my pastor even dresses like that because God doesn't give a hoot about what we wear but who we are that is another thing. We are not to go to church wearing the mask of who we want to appear to be but to be sincere in our love for God.
blubird nothing is inescapable you have free will. in your example the mother use the right words even if she lie to her self and do what she hates. the question to solve this problem would by why does she lie to her self to do what she hates. if you can find this answer you can solve the root of the problem. experience and enjoy.
answered 22 Jan '12, 18:11
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