So I have come pretty far in building up my self-esteem lately, and I have a fairly comfortable relationship with myself, which has had a positive effect on my manifesting abilities. But the one thing that I have not been able to shake, and that is the fact that I often agonise about what others might think of me, like if I said or did something that was slightly off, it can darken my mood for days as I agonise over it and feel shamed and embarrassed.

I think a lot of it has to do with a deep-seated fear of rejection that I have had as far as I can remember. My childhood was pretty painful at times - I was always a sensitive child, and I grew up with an alcoholic parent and a lot of conflict at home until my parent's quite ugly separation when I was 8. I also got bullied at school. I don't know whether the bullying caused the fear of rejection, or if I had it prior to being bullied, and thus attracted the bullies.

Anyway, no amount of digging into my past has been able to help me remove my fear of rejection. Please don't suggest EFT as I have not had any success with it in this area - and that's after doing it for years, and even seeing two qualified EFT therapists for a period of time. No matter how hard I try, it just won't budge, and leaves me feeling worse than when I started.

So I don't want to dig into my future or look for negative beliefs to release. I'd much rather forge new positive beliefs, which I have done successfully in the past through meditative techniques. The only problem is that this fear of rejection sits so deep that I really believe that everybody must like me, all the time, or I am a worthless person. And in a way, I feel like I 'need' to keep that belief as a safeguard - that if I don't have it, I won't be as cautious about what I do or say, which will lead to me acting in a way which will lead people to reject me. So it's one of those beliefs that feeds itself indefinitely.

I'm just not sure how to approach this. It's very crippling, because logically I know that I am a well-liked person, I am usually thoughtful and kind to others, but if I just do one little thing wrong I berate myself endlessly. It's kind of sad seeing me being so harsh towards me (because a part of me knows that this isn't the way to treat myself).

Any advice, personal experiences, etc, much welcomed :) Thanks IQ!


After doing a little bit of work on this, I've realised that it comes down to this limiting belief, that I've always had (I know I said I didn't want to start searching for negative beliefs, but this one just came to me!)

There is something deeply flawed about me, a hidden part in me that means something so awful that people would abandon me in disgust if they knew about it.

Now I couldn't tell you what this 'deep flaw' is - over the years I've attributed it to many things - my shyness back when I was shy for example, but I'm mostly not anymore, and even if I am, I don't care. My emotional sensitivity was another one, but now thanks to a post by Stingray, I think it's pretty cool that I am that way! Thing is though, even if I change the traits, that feeling is still there. I've worked on accepting all the negative traits I associated with this feeling, and I now feel neutral, even positive about many of them, and others of them are gone, but that feeling is still there like a separate entity in itself, waiting to be triggered by anything I do that I deem less than perfect!!!

Anyone who has read about the Enneagram personality typing system will know that this is a core trait of type 4 (which is my type) - an inexplicable feeling of being deeply flawed in a way that others are not. It's ridiculous, of course, but I can't shake it.

I'm going to do a Focus Block on it and just continue focusing on getting myself into the Vortex... Hopefully I'll make some progress!!


Thanks to the advice I've been given, and all the reading I've been doing on subject of shame (because I realised this is what is at the heart of my fear of rejection), I have just had possibly the biggest revelation in my adult life:

My shame is not a problem to be gotten rid of. It's actually a gift. It is the arrow pointing to the different parts of me that I am rejecting, telling me what I need to accept and integrate. For example, I used to feel ashamed about my emotional sensitivity, but now that I have integrated it, I'm actually proud of this trait! As with so many other issues I have worked through my shame on, that I now either feel neutral or even positively about.

So my acute, almost crippling sensitivity to feeling shame - which I once thought was my biggest problem - may very well be one of my most helpful personality traits, because it so clearly indicates to me what I need to work on :) Yay!!!!! Words can't describe how glad I am to finally figure this out, after years of trying to heal this issue.

asked 05 Feb '12, 08:56

cassiopeia's gravatar image


edited 16 Mar '13, 13:25

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Thanks for sharing !

(05 Feb '12, 09:30) ursixx

You gotta have a robust since of humor. Cultivate it. "like, your a jerk, oh so what took you so long to find out".

(05 Feb '12, 17:50) Tom

Excellent!!! Hooray!!! Ths is great, and something we can ALL learn from...TY for your humility! <3

(05 Feb '12, 20:21) Jaianniah

This is exactly what my pastor always talks about. Where is the lesson in this? What can I learn from this? Wonderful Job!!!!! :-)

(05 Feb '12, 23:13) Wade Casaldi
showing 1 of 4 show 3 more comments

I agree that it is much better to focus on the positive, rather than try to eliminate the negative.

Actually I had a very nice experience two days ago - I managed to get to the highest state I've ever reached. I was not only in the vortex, I was in complete joy and love. I was walking around with a huge smile, singing in my head, dancing and just feeling fantastic. And without mentioning all the vibrational matches I had in that state, I had two social events while I was in that state - one with my family, and the other with a group of friends that I'm not usually 100% comfortable with.

I was like a different person. Everyone was very, very positive towards me, I felt free and completely released, and just enjoyed the experience. Only after that I had realized I did not have any negative thoughts about my self esteem.

So the thing is to be firmly in your vortex before meeting other people. But not only that - because it is very easy at first to get kicked out of the vortex - you must practice it for a while, a few days to a few weeks, in order to achieve the ability to maintain it. And eventually, this will become automatic, with no effort at all. You see, the answer is not in outer effects - like body language, tone of voice and so on - it's about only a state that is already inside you and your job is to let it shine out. And you can't force it, you can't let that part out when you aren't in the vortex. Almost certainly, any other method would fail. You are wanting to feel effortlessness with other people - and effortlessness is only in the vortex. Self love is only there. Enthusiasm, excitement, passion and joy are in there. All methods we discuss have the purpose of bringing you there.

Just decide that NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, is more important than you feel good. Decide to always go for a thought that feels better, even if it's only slightly better. Start a book of positive aspects. Meditate for 15 minutes every day. Let yourself enjoy the beauty of your imagination, and allow yourself to feel how your dreams feel (which are waiting in the vortex for you). Whenever you catch yourself slipping back into negativity (meditation will make you sensitive to that), choose a general thought and reach for the feeling of hope. Just dedicate yourself and be determined to change your point of attraction. Do this, and it will happen quickly.


answered 05 Feb '12, 09:38

Benjamin's gravatar image


That is so true. What led me to write this post was: I've been meditating myself into the vortex a little bit the past few days. Then I went out with some friends on Friday, and everything was so smooth! I said one-liners that made everyone burst out laughing, I was charming and even my friend commented the next day on what a pleasure I had been to hang out with. Still, I find myself finding little negatives and blowing them way out of proportion. Like if I was the personification of charm 90%

(05 Feb '12, 09:50) cassiopeia

of the time, I'll focus on the 10% when I wasn't. Part of this could be because I got inebriated so I was quite uninhibited... Oops (but I was very entertaining, or so I hear!). I guess I just have to keep on doing what I'm doing, then? Your post made me realise that I have the tools I need, but I've been focusing on the negatives again, when this is an issue that getting into the Vortex more often would solve - as it has solved many of my other issues.

(05 Feb '12, 09:50) cassiopeia

It's just that this one is a major player, so it may take longer. But that's ok, as long as I know I'm headed in the right direction!

(05 Feb '12, 09:50) cassiopeia

PS. I think I need to have 'VORTEX FIRST' tattooed on my forehead so I can see it every time I look in the mirror - because although I know it, I always forget it when I need it most!!! :)

(05 Feb '12, 09:58) cassiopeia
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

how to deal with those
who supposedly know you better
than yourself

accept the fact that you are
here to learn, develop, unfold
that you live with yourself
and know the knower more fully

look for the reasons why
life has more important issues
than a personality contest
and to believe in yourself


answered 05 Feb '12, 11:40

fred's gravatar image


True, and this is something that I am learning more than ever before...

(05 Feb '12, 13:14) cassiopeia

@fred your a poet! I always find such clarity in your answer even when the are seemingly defuse. Thanks for being here!

(06 Feb '12, 03:37) ursixx

Cass, I could have written what you wrote...word for word. I annihilate myself when I screw up, make a flub, say the wrong thing...I lay on my pillow at night and play the scene over and over, wondering how to take it all to change it, how to fix myself...At least, I used to...

I am starting to understand that being human means not being perfect! It is hard, hard work, trying to be perfect all the time. I am shy! That is my problem. When I identified this essential part of my personality, it allowed me to become aware that when I get into social situations, I am going to sweat; I am going to be afraid.

So I try to rehearse what I am going to my head. I try to imagine myself with people, and exchanging small talk. Church has helped a lot, because it is a small church, and the people are very understanding and forgiving. Slowly, each week, I have tried to reach out a bit more and then a bit more than the week before. Guess what??? It is working! I am getting practice at making small talk, at forgiving myself when I goof up, and when I say something stupid, I say, "Boy, that was a stupid thing to say!" and I laugh and the other person usually laughs, too!

Shyness is inherited. But it can be overcome with patience and practice. Perfectionism is another ugly trait I have. I love being perfect, and doing everything perfectly. But I have learned that I will NEVER be perfect, no matter what. I am human; I make mistakes. In my childhood, I was not allowed to make mistakes. That programming is now being undone in me. I see where I am being too hard on myself, and I just try to let things go and flow.

I hope this helps. Where you are is a very tough place! I know- I have been and am there with you! I hope and pray you learn how to go soft on yourself, and love yourself more.

My Blessings,



answered 05 Feb '12, 12:36

Jaianniah's gravatar image


Thanks for this, good to hear I'm not alone in the self-annihilation! And the funny thing is that a lot of these things that I stress about, well, people probably don't even notice it! My mum used to tell me - people don't judge you as much as you think - they are too busy worrying about themselves! I know its very true, but it's hard for it to sink in on an emotional/subconscious level.

(05 Feb '12, 13:13) cassiopeia

You are quite welcome. I was glad to share this, actually, as I have struggled with this problem my whole life. I remember goofing up something while I was High-School aged, and burying my head in my pillow at night and crying for shame. No one helped me discover any answers until I stumbled across the info that shyness is inherited, and that it can be over come, but it feels really hard to do. Try to relax- read Wade's exercise- AA says "Fake it until you make it!" <3

(05 Feb '12, 17:53) Jaianniah

Jai, I just had a huge revelation on this subject, read the second edit on my question. I hope it's helpful to you as well :)

(05 Feb '12, 18:04) cassiopeia

Oh and, funnily enough - if you asked most people I know, they'd say I'm actually a very social person. I don't really think I am at the core, I just slapped a social 'persona' over my previous shy self. Working as a barmaid for years helped me develop my social skills - being bubbly is a requirement! BUT underneath it all I'm still self-conscious, so even if I am 'in the zone' when I'm being social, afterwards I feel like I was too 'out there' and I analyse everything I said and did to death!

(05 Feb '12, 19:12) cassiopeia

Read your edit...commented there as well...I am so pleased for you...I hope you learned this well and will keep it forever! Blessings,<3

(05 Feb '12, 20:22) Jaianniah
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

Cassiopeia after having read Spiritual Marketing again, as I have many times I have to ask you, What are you expecting? Think on your fear when you go into a situation, if you are feeling a fear you are expecting something. What are you expecting?

There are many techniques for manifesting using the Law of Attraction or/and Prayer but it comes down to, What are you expecting?

What we are expecting is exactly what we are inviting. If I say a prayer then worry about it, what I am expecting is different from what I am wanting. Wanting something and expecting it are two entirely different things. We get what we expect not what we want.

Now if I say a prayer and feel God says, "Relax, don't worry about it. I got this." I don't need to worry about it, it is being handled for me. So my expectation is on this is being taken care of and it gets taken care of.

The same way for all of life experience, What are you expecting? When I ask myself what am I expecting, I need to know that the choice is mine, not the world's choice but my own choice of what I expect. The choice is not circumstance choice, not my past experience choice but my choice right now! So then the question is what am I choosing to expect right now? Is it positive or negative? The choice is all mine as it will set the stage for the experience I am about to experience.

We can reprogram our brains with Psych-K®, I was looking this up on the net it is a very easy way to cross the brain to use both sides to reprogram our brains.


answered 05 Feb '12, 12:40

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

edited 05 Feb '12, 12:47

It's not so much fear going into a situation, it's anxiety afterwards. But that's a very good question to ask in order to get to the root cause. In this case I suppose I am expecting people to judge me, but my reaction to being judged is an extreme over-reaction. Even a little criticism can make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart and thrown to the dogs, like I don't deserve being loved or liked. Lol. Seeing it written down makes me want to laugh at myself!!

(05 Feb '12, 13:07) cassiopeia

But what should I choose to expect? I want to make a different choice when it comes to my emotional reaction to rejection (imagined or real), but I've always had this fear, so it's like I wouldn't even know which other ways I could possibly feel about this. I mean I've been working on/manifesting 'people liking me', and it has paid off a LOT - I've had much validation on my likeableness lately- but I'd like to work on being able to handle rejection as well, to be less afraid of it.

(05 Feb '12, 13:10) cassiopeia

Here is a technique in Spiritual Marketing that Joe says, he said if you feel uneasy in a situation then imagine yourself as someone at ease. In other words think of it like a play and your part is a charming confident person that is well loved and highly regarded by all. Think "What would it be like playing that part?" Then play that part like that is you. Something magical happens-a blur happens- between you and the part you are playing until the part becomes you. :-)

(05 Feb '12, 17:38) Wade Casaldi

That is a great technique, I do it sometimes and it really works :)

(05 Feb '12, 18:05) cassiopeia
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

@Casseopia, are you still here? I, too could have written most of this post myself, you have spoken directly to so much of what I feel.

My personal revelations recently have unearthed my own hidden shame - I know exactly what you meant except the end where you figured it out. :s I have felt huge relief uncovering that shame, but I have yet to understand what you do about it. I found your post by searching on the subject of shame because I feel suddenly rejected and judged and ashamed, due to something most other people would barely notice, and so was looking for help. I know I should not feel this way but that is not doing me any good.

If you are here, I would love to hear more from you. Thank you.


answered 25 Jul '12, 11:47

Grace's gravatar image


@Grace, there are, as usual, two ways of validation one can get in this world. External and internal. The external one comes in form of acceptance of us from others and its degree. And while it can be good, it can just as well be bad if your life is built on the external only. The internal one is your pride. That's what one should build first and foremost. If you live your best every single moment, you take pride in what you do. And through doing whatever you do, your pride increases...

(26 Jul '12, 03:14) CalonLan gain the sense of WHO YOU ARE.You're building a strong and solid pillar within yourself on which you can build your life.Solid.Strong.The external,opinions of others,are always changing.Have you ever seen something built on a moving sand?I haven't yet,maybe because it's not possible to build anything solid and strong on ever changing foundation.The more you are proud,the more you know who you are.The less you worry about opinions of others,their rejections of you.That's all there is to it.

(26 Jul '12, 03:18) CalonLan

Thank you, @CalonLan. That is good advice and I needed it.

(26 Jul '12, 03:30) Grace

@Grace, just passing on what I have learned. And not only know it, but DO IT. The difference between wiping dust around a picture on shelf, or picking up the picture and wiping it beneath it makes the world of difference. You can always wipe it around and say it's "good enough". But you pick it up and wipe it all, and you'll feel proud. Little by little your pride will grow. And before you know it, you doing whatever you want, not ashamed, not fearful - here I'm world, judge me. =)

(26 Jul '12, 03:35) CalonLan

Im having a horribly dark night, feel like Im barely hanging on to my sanity at the moment. I needed help and its so funny you were posting this answer just now. Even in this low, stupid state, it is making good sense and feels like somethig I can build on. Thanks again.

(26 Jul '12, 03:44) Grace
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

Hey Cassiopeia.

I enjoyed reading your question. Especially your revelations. It's so great to hear when that light bulb goes on. I could totally relate to a lot of what you said. It seems to me like I'm forever peeling off the layers like working on my negative thoughts then discovering fear of failures...worked on that....discovered 'oh I have a fear of success' ...then recently discovered 'oh need to work on why I have to be perfect'. I got a revelation too that made me smile and go wow. I had been meditating on being happy with self and not being perfect. So I kept having this image of light beings forming a circle around me. Anyway, I would notice that some of these beautiful light beings had flaws like buck teeth, or scabs on their hands. So what I kept doing was, shaking my head and controlling this because, it had to be my own negative thoughts. I kept stopping the meditation because it wasn't working. Then it dawned on me...i'm meditating about not being perfect. So when I meditated again, I didn't try to control it, the light being with scaby hand wanted to hold my hand, the one with buck teeth came and sat beside me and lent on me. After a while their flaws disappeared. It's hard to explain but this meditation experience had a huge impact. I guess it's the 'realization' of something that had been trying to get through to me.

At the same time I don't quite get it...that simple and has it worked?...time will tell.


answered 06 Feb '12, 08:08

alsorts's gravatar image


That sounds like a pretty cool meditation :) Yea, sometimes it really just is that simple! And then comes the next layer... Because life would be boring if we were perfect. But the best thing is that the previous issue that you've worked over will have given you more strength and wisdom to deal with what comes next, so I guess it gets easier and easier!

(06 Feb '12, 15:48) cassiopeia

Start by stop recognizing your strengths as a weakness. Fear is a self defense mechanism that protects us from danger. If it were not for your fear, you would be on self reflection forums expressing how clumsy you were for not perceiving your calamity before it arouse. Next step is to control your fear. We seek to control all of our emotions, as would a "Young jedi night" seek mastery. To achieve this is easier said then done. You must do what you fear. By doing what you fear causes the level of fear to diminish. Good luck young jedi and may the force be with you!


answered 06 Feb '12, 09:07

Constantine's gravatar image



I like what you said about strengths and weaknesses, because that's one profound realisation I've had in the past few weeks - that my biggest weaknesses are, at the same time, my biggest strengths (when I recognise them for the gifts that they are, and don't try to use them as weapons against myself). Just live my realisation about my acute sense of shame- it may have been the biggest factor of self-growth for me!

(06 Feb '12, 15:50) cassiopeia
Click here to create a free account

If you are seeing this message then the Inward Quest system has noticed that your web browser is behaving in an unusual way and is now blocking your active participation in this site for security reasons. As a result, among other things, you may find that you are unable to answer any questions or leave any comments. Unusual browser behavior is often caused by add-ons (ad-blocking, privacy etc) that interfere with the operation of our website. If you have installed these kinds of add-ons, we suggest you disable them for this website



Asked: 05 Feb '12, 08:56

Seen: 2,346 times

Last updated: 26 Jul '12, 03:44

Follow this question

By Email:

Once you sign in you will be able to subscribe for any updates here



Answers and Comments

Markdown Basics

  • *italic* or _italic_
  • **bold** or __bold__
  • link:[text]( "title")
  • image?![alt text](/path/img.jpg "title")
  • numbered list: 1. Foo 2. Bar
  • to add a line break simply add two spaces to where you would like the new line to be.
  • basic HTML tags are also supported

Related Questions