Hi everyone, I was referred to this site by a friend of mine as one of the most reliable source of wisdoms in life
And I decided to post this question to all of you so that I could get some wisdom on my new relationship life. I’m shannas. I have failed in an intimate relationships many times. I know the reasons why and I believe have also learnt the lessons.
Currently, I started having a communication with an old friend that I haven’t seen for the past 4 years and agreed to give “us” a chance and take our friendship into an intimate once. We both seem to know what we want in life.
We have been communicating almost every day past one month almost and now agreed to meet in person. We both live in a different town. In this case his coming to me to spend a week at my place and it’s just going to be me and him. We both talked about how much we want this to work and strange enough about long terms plans like kids…living together marriage and so forth and so on.
Now, what I need your wisdom and some guide line is….how would you advise us to spend the one week together?
What kind of activity will help us to know if we are making the right decision or not?
Please pour your heart
Interesting question, Shannas. I will start with a little bit of background before I get to your question. The first thing that came to mind when I read your question is the fact that I know a handful of people who have at some point or another tried to turn friendship into an intimate relationship. I also have to admit that I myself have done so in the past.
I personally had little success but that is definitely not the guaranteed outcome of such an attempt. You have to bear in mind that we are all very different as individuals and as such our experiences, the related emotions and ultimately our preferences (which is a product of our experiences) varies from one person to another.
This is why ultimately, nobody else will know what is best for you but yourself. The Law of Attraction says "Like attracts Like". In other words, if you follow the path of 'What Feels Good' whenever you are at a decision point in your life, then this will have to lead to dominant happiness in your life.
So, if I had a decision to make in life, I would just ask myself the following question which goes along the lines of: "Do I feel like I want to go ahead with this action/decision"? If the answer is anything But 'Hell Yes', then this is not the right action/decision.
And now, let's attempt to answer your question:
Just get involved in activities that you already usually enjoy doing and do whatever you feel like doing in the moment. I think there is little to gain from planning out every single day to the hour (which I am sure you were not planning to do!, but just for the sake of making my point) as you might feel like doing something different than what you have planned.
Let's say I was in your shoes. I would try and do things that would require active involvement from both people and then see how you both get on. I usually enjoy activities like playing badminton and pool. I love dining out but when I am not, I also enjoy having a nice cooked meal at home with some of my favourite drinks. I would not really go to the cinema or watch stuff on tv as there is no real interaction here.
At the end of the day though, if this is the right person for you to get involved in a serious relationship, get married and have kids with, I think in the week that you will be spending together, you will just KNOW IT.
From my personal experience, when I had the relationship with a close friend of mine, from the very start, I could feel that it was not working. I just felt really awkward when kissing him or when being intimate with him. It just did not feel right even though we were good friends.
On the other hand, when I first met my husband, right from the start, I could feel a strong attraction and a strong connection. I just knew that I wanted to get married to this guy and at some point have kids.
So, the way you feel with him and around him whatever activities you indulge in will be enough for you to make the right decision from my point of view.
Keep us all posted.
Go to a sit down restaurant and observe how he treats the servers, and how he handles any situations that come up there.
Find out about his relationship with his mother.
Observe for things that are important to you. Like does he litter or recycle? How does he speak of others? What is the quality of his words? Does he talk in such a way that makes you uncomfortable or comfortable, is he possitive or negative?
Look for those things that are the real him, not the one who is doing and saying what he thinks you want so as to impress you. Notice how you behave around him. Does he bring out the best in you or the worst?
Do some of your regular activities to see how he handles it. Have him meet your friends and family and observe his interactions. If you go to church or some religious group, take him there.
I would save intimacy and sex for when your absolutely positive it's the right time.
There's no need to rush in. If you are looking for a relationship with a person who you want to spend a long time with, then take your time and wait until you're sure this is the right person for you.
Do what you enjoy and see if you have fun together. Learn all you can of eachother. How does he behave and carry himself? How does he react to what you say? How do you feel around him? Do you like the way he treats others? What about your families? Is he someone you can work with, someone you are comfortable with?
That's what I would do. Like others have said, you want to make sure this is someone you want to give yourself to.
And of course... you have to ask yourself, "Am I ready? Is this what I want? Do I believe I am secure enough in myself to balance a relationship?"
Wishing you the best! &Welcome to IQ :)
answered 08 Aug '12, 09:01
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