The last two years I've intensely work on myself, figuring out what is that I really want. As you may know (from my previous questions) I've had a really strong desire to be a cop since I was like 7. Then some time ago I was also thinking that maybe I should join the army (but that didn't last more than a year). Right now I'm again focusing on becoming 5-0. That's all good till now but I think I have an unconscious desire for violence.
The deal with me is that I had a rough childhood (parents were abusing me verbally (almost every day) and occasionally physically (I was in fear all the time though cause I never knew when is that gonna be), not to mention they were yelling on each other nonstop (I still didn't forgive them but that's the topic for another time). Then I was bullied in an elementary school (mostly verbally, but threats were made), secondary school (only verbally) I started with bodybuilding otherwise would be physically too I guess.
I still live with my parents (and they are very negative, yelling on each other often, not on me though, well sometimes too). I'm 19. Don't say move out cause that's been my plan for like the last 10 years but I just can't seem to do that. I mean last week I came to conclusion that I can't do anything with brute force cause it doesn't work and even if it does it doesn't last long. So right now I know I need to just choose to be happy and then everything will fall into the place (including living on my own). Anyway let's go back to the main subject.
I was thinking why do I actually want to be a police officer and came to conclusion that I like adventure, it's not a regular 8 hours job (I get bored quickly), I get to chase the "bad" guys... But something inside of me tells me that I actually want to use violence and being a cop and using a violence on a violent perp is a good thing (I'm not talking about police brutality) as opposed to just smack somebody on the street for no reason.
And I can say that in my teenage years I was actually trying to be a criminal (not a hardcore criminal of course) but didn't have guts to do anything. I couldn't even hit the guy who was verbally mean to me (fear or something else..I don't now) so now maybe a part of me think that a badge will give me that power and courage to finally use violence against somebody (against criminals but still).
The bottom line is: I think I enjoy thinking about using violence. An example: 1) I was working as a security guard and I was just praying that something's gonna happen (robbery, theft... so that I could chase the guy and use violence against him. And part of me would even say "you're doing the right thing. He's a criminal. You're a hero") Now as I'm consciously trying to feel better and think more positive thoughts I actually started to think about that. And part of me doesn't want to use violence cause I feel bad afterwards (even if I think about it I feel bad) but part of me does want and enjoy it too (and I suspect that that's one of the main reasons I wanna be a cop). And no I'm not a schizophrenic personality. :D Is my desire for violence based on my childhood abuse and bullying?
What should I do? I would really like to hear your opinion on this, Stingray as well as the others. I appreciate I attracted this forum and I appreciate that I have so many friends I can count on. All the best. Tim
Quite possibly. The way you describe your childhood sounds alot like mine actually :)
As a result of that upbringing, in those younger years, I came to believe that violence was a solution, a way of life to getting what I wanted.
Also, like you, I wanted to use (and often did use) my violence for "positive" purposes - or at least what I believed was "positive" :) - though not in an establishment-based manner such as the army or police force.
What I discovered was that a violence-based approach to life is a game you can never win. Violence begets violence. Even if you beat up one "bad guy", you soon attract more and more of them...until your life becomes a never-ending battle of fighting with and running from "bad guys". No matter how many you deal with, more just seem to keep appearing out of nowhere :)
This was long, long, long before I understood any ideas about Law of Attraction but, even then, I came to the conclusion that violent solutions were never going to be good for me in the long term.
Like you, there was a part of me that kept prodding from within that there had to be a better way.
Anyway, I don't much like dwelling on the details of my past so let's take a look at practicalities for dealing with this...
Here's what I would do to handle this today - instead of beating up the bad guys :)
You'll notice that this is an extremely streamlined variation of the ideas in Manifesting Experiment 4
The classic line, "What you resist persists" comes to mind. Just embrace it and face your desire head on or it could become a life regret. Join a boxing gym or a martial arts academy and see how it feels to really fight. Go to a paint ball gun facility and act out a sniper battle. The real thing is not like the movies so experience it for yourself in a socialy acceptable way. If you wish you remove your desire, experience it first hand so you can learn, grow and move on. If you want to know more about being a police officer, call the police department and ask for an interview. Ask them how often they are required to use violence. Thank you
answered 29 Nov '12, 17:22
Just the fact that you are aware of this feeling, cared enough to ask this question, and shared a little of your difficult childhood with all of us in the process, speaks volumes about your character.
You are obviously wise, strong-minded and brave, and if you determine within yourself to use your authority or physical advantage responsibly, I have no concerns. I believe you will make a great cop.
Go be what you have always wanted to be, and enjoy your life, I think you are just fine. It may be that we all secretly would like to beat the tar out of the badguys sometimes. :)
answered 29 Nov '12, 23:55
Until you deal with having been violated- meaning that all your abusers and tormentors still are living in your head, rent-free- you will never be free of the need for violence.
I should know. I was seriously abused as a child, and even though a woman, have had to deal with rage and the desire to rip someone's head off from time to time. "Violence begets violence, as dog begets dog"...(From Ben-Hur). Emotional and physical abuse is often a family disease, just like alcoholism. You have identified one problem- you need to get out of that house. You need to put yourself in the hands of a good domestic violence program. It is all well and good to say that what you resist persists, but you have been programmed from birth to expect your environment to be one of unease and unexpected outbursts of some sort of bad stuff. You would not know what it mean if you slept somewhere where there was peace- a place you could think and unlearn that stuff you were programmed to expect from the world.
You can do all the things suggested here- it is all applicable and good- but until you really, really dig down, and get to the bottom of your past, and get free from your abusive environment, you will still crave violence.
I just told my sleep counselor that my idea of the perfect bedroom would be a cast-iron bunker with concrete walls and an eight-inch-thick combination door. The bunker would have a firm bed and I would have an Ouzi to sleep with. Period. She started to cry for me. That is what my childhood left me with...and I have worked long and hard to find peace within myself and be free of all of the past. It is easy for some people to give advice, but unless you haven't lived in it, you cannot know the Beast that sits inside you and demands restitution for a lost childhood that will never be regained.
The answer is to search for peaceful people, love, and a good domestic violence counselor. Then you roll up your sleeves and dump all the crap that roils around inside you all the time.
I now live with Wade, and it is the first time in my life that I feel safe and can look forward to peace. It also helps me to know that he is a Sixth-Degree Black Belt and that I really am safe!
Get to work, get out, and move up the emotional ladder to love and peace, Tim. All your hard work will be worth it, I promise you!
Bless your honesty and courage,
if you want the truth i will tell you. you have over flow of the heart and it produce evil,violence,hate. why because you have been affected by it around you most of your life. and you have never understood that violence bring violence. what you do will also be done to you. if you judge you will be judge with the same mesure. if you live by the sword you will die by the sword. you are seeking for justice and power. but you do not know that you are that justice and power. what ever job or costume you put on it will never solve that problem.in fact if you become a cop for returning violence to other people you will only make matter worse. cop are there to protec and to serve. the only way to solve that problem is to meditate make your water calm and pure. darkness cannot exist in the light.so let there be light,Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
answered 29 Nov '12, 22:16
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