if i have sex with someone and i don't tell my husband about it, what is wrong with that?

asked 13 Aug '10, 15:58

marry's gravatar image


edited 13 Aug '10, 16:48

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

With regret I must tell, I deem this question isn't adequate for a public discution and especialy not for this site. It is for seeking advice from a psychologist.

(13 Aug '10, 20:39) Gleam

yeah, i thought it was a joke. If it is not, it is better asked somewhere else.

(16 Aug '10, 16:09) Back2Basics
showing 0 of 2 show 2 more comments

Brave question to ask. :) ...and I don't think the answer is as clear-cut as some others might be thinking.

I'm probably going to get some nice juicy downvotes for speaking against what I perceive the moral trend is here, but I would say that if you feel you're doing nothing wrong then you're doing nothing wrong.

Who is anyone else to judge your life circumstances? You might be in a very unhappy and miserable marriage and this form of action might seem to you to be your only way to feel better.

Even if you're not, you are concerned enough about your actions to be seeking advice from people here. If you truly didn't care at all, you wouldn't be asking your question...which ultimately comes down to Is anything really right or wrong, or good or evil?.

For example, people are often quick to condemn murder and killing and yet, during wartime, those same people often celebrate it if they are winning and they believe they have the moral authority (conveniently ignoring the fact that the other side also believes they have the moral authority).

In most countries, it is absolutely wrong to have more than one wife but in others it is perfectly acceptable.

What is right and wrong for you is a question of your beliefs and your belief system.

If you want to find out what is right or wrong for you, I would recommend choosing a time when you are feeling relatively calm (even happy, if you can) and then from that centered state of mind, just think quietly and gently about your circumstances.

See if a course of action suggests itself.

The course of action might be to discuss the situation with your husband, or perhaps not. No-one can really say what is right for you except you.

As long as you keep making your decisions about what to do about your situation (if anything) from that centered state, you will be putting yourself in the best position to resolve your situation (if you want to) in a way that will best suit all those involved.

As I implied at the start, yes, there will be many who will condemn your actions but it's not your job to listen to them, it's your job to listen to yourself.

Hope that gives you some guidance.


answered 13 Aug '10, 19:46

Stingray's gravatar image



"it's your job to listen to yourself" - couldn't agree more - it is no- one else's place to judge.

(13 Aug '10, 20:16) Michaela

Agree with you, Michaela

(14 Aug '10, 08:40) Gleam

@Stingray. Applause to you! It is very suitable , especialy as man (but not only - maybe your mission(?) - isn't it?) to be so "neutral" (but not just...) oh this topic, even if it incriminates individual and social ethics (morality). After all, one launchs the luring challenge and for consumer only (is his/her option, isn't it?, no matter if knows or no the consequences) remains the problems caused by eating "the forbidden fruit", not for the smart and "generous" serpent.

(14 Aug '10, 09:10) Gleam

Sarcasm, Gleam?

(14 Aug '10, 09:44) Stingray

No, Stingray. With s sincerity which you rarely can meet: I very appreciate your mind, but doubt your intentions. Two reasons to observe you nearly and constantly. I think you are inestimable as friend, but redutable as adversary. But I also think you have few true friends , insteed more acolits (satellite-like)

(14 Aug '10, 10:17) Gleam

Thank you for the...errr...compliment, Gleam. :) Ultimately, I don't really much care what anyone else thinks of me...but, I've found, that the way we tend to perceive others is more about who we are rather than who they are, don't you think? :)

(14 Aug '10, 10:49) Stingray

You are right. We see from the own or appartenence groups' perspective and, by vibrational way, we feel (we are awared) about appartenence of the same stream, or one...contrary.

(14 Aug '10, 13:06) Gleam
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments

As long as he can have crazy hot sex with other females that are more attractive than you and he doesn't have to tell you about it, then nothing's wrong with that.


answered 13 Aug '10, 17:19

Back2Basics's gravatar image


edited 13 Aug '10, 17:27

Vesuvius's gravatar image


Good one, Basics.

(13 Aug '10, 17:27) Vesuvius

There is no right or wrong - only what works and what doesn't work.

Only you can know the answer to what works for you and what doesn't work.


answered 13 Aug '10, 16:43

Michaela's gravatar image


You break a promise to your husband that you would be faithful, that's all.

  1. Have you broken other promises? Have other people broken promises they made to you? How does that make you feel?

  2. Is a few moments of pleasure more important than being someone of good character, whom other people can trust?

  3. Is there nothing else in your life that has greater meaning to you than having an affair?

  4. Does your life philosophy allow you to do things that make you feel happy in the short term, but sorry in the long term?


answered 13 Aug '10, 16:32

Vesuvius's gravatar image


The big guilty u will carry forever...or maybe u dont feel that kind of feeling....only u know


answered 13 Aug '10, 16:56

Robert's gravatar image


Getting married requires that you make a promise to your husband that you will not have sex with anyone else.

If you can't fulfill that promise, you shouldn't get married.

It's that simple, really.


answered 13 Aug '10, 16:53

Vesuvius's gravatar image


There are just to many risks. Your husband could find out. You could contract a disease. You could end up divorced. You could be killed by your husband or lover. It might be OK to fantasize about but usually the outcome would not measure up to the fantasy. I would think about it a lot. How do you really feel? I don't think it would be good to tell you husband. Now you have to keep a secret. I know other people have done this with what looked like impunity. But it was only seeming impunity. It was probably a mistake and you may need to find a way not to punish yourself. This site is probably not the right one for you.


answered 12 Nov '10, 06:49

Tom's gravatar image


Barry thanks for leaving the question; because it defines what we are about and what we are not about.

(12 Nov '10, 06:59) Tom

I was wondering why people answered when the questioner had been long gone? Nice!

(12 Nov '10, 07:32) jim 10

Who am I to tell someone else what is right or wrong? What ever agreements are made between people should be kept. But no guarantees are granted so never be surprised.

We all can make many different agreements and that is fine. Just make an honest attempt to keep them.




answered 12 Nov '10, 07:31

jim%2010's gravatar image

jim 10

Michael, I answered the question for the same reason you did. The site itself need to know. Barry left the question in there for the community.

(13 Nov '10, 02:51) Tom

very interesting question , it all depends how you feel about it ; i suppose it is a pleasant activity for you .

a question springs to mind , why not tell your husband , you may be surprised by the response ?


answered 10 Jan '11, 18:06

blubird%20two's gravatar image

blubird two

I have read all the view points above but i go with the views/ opinion of stingray because every individual see things from their own perspective. we do not know how marry (questioner) life is going on and how she feels with her partner. Some compulsions to stay in that relationship or not happy even some times it so happen that everything will be fine we may get attracted to some person which may end up in relationship for the mysterious reason unknown.


answered 04 Jun '13, 12:34

marathisend's gravatar image


It isn't "wrong" but is this what you truly prefer?

Do you prefer relationships where partners cheat behind their back without telling them because "lack of loyalty" is the vibe you are putting out there and you get the vibration that you put out.


answered 06 Jun '13, 14:20

arpgme's gravatar image


Your question is a "wisdom of life" question. In such a situation you have damaged Harmony and Unity in the relationship as well as your own inner positive feelings. Accordiningly you will feel separated in your personal relationship to source. This feeling of distance will often cause a belief system of not being deserving,and othe positive feelings. Therefore not allowing (slowing down) your spiritual growth or the realization of your potential. From our side it is difficult to Resonate with the universal laws of life with lower vibrations. The universe is ever loving we must learn from our experiences.


answered 13 Aug '10, 20:22

G16's gravatar image


Reading more books alternatively to improve or clarify your knowledge, this is very good and admirable. But having sex with more men alternatively incriminates the self respect for much reasons (I prefrn not detailing, I don't want hurt nobody) and I think who chooses a such behaviour knows how much wrong take for herself. Commonly this is blame-worthy by the human communities.

An abstract of a true matrimonial love:


I wish to you all a such love


answered 13 Aug '10, 20:23

Gleam's gravatar image


edited 15 Aug '10, 05:10

Vesuvius's gravatar image


I think a marriage is a committed relationship based on trust, in which 2 people decide to share their life. I'm not talking about morality here, I am merely saying that if your marriage is the kind in which both of you agree to keep aspects of your life secreat from each other and you are both fine by it then I guess there's no harm. But I suspect that isn't the case and that is why you are asking this question, and I also feel that its making you uneasy otherwise you wouldnt give it a second thought. No one can advise you what to do or not do, its easy for other people to get on the moral high ground and advise, but only you know your life's circumstances. I would recommend though that if something makes you feel low afterwards, or starts giving you guilt then perhaps its best not to do that. Having said that, what's done is done, take a decision to either tell your husband, not tell him, do it again or not do it again, and move on. But stop dwelling upon it its not going to do any good.


answered 13 Aug '10, 21:08

I%20Think%20Therefore%20I%20Am's gravatar image

I Think Therefore I Am

i think the question you should ask is how would i feel if my partner did the same thing to me. Would you really be that happy if the boot was on the other foot and you found out that your partner had been having an affair with someone younger and better looking than you. The answer to this is in your own heart and mind isnt it? Graham


answered 02 Sep '10, 13:25

Monty%20Riviera's gravatar image

Monty Riviera

Beloved, you are obviously an honest person and this is bothering you. Looking at statistics,the great majority of couples are unfaithful at least once in their relationship, sometimes it is curiousity other times to affirm one's attractiveness, or to get back at a partner.........

Telling your husband to relieve your guilt would only hurt him; instead, figure out what made you do it in the first place and work on solving that problem. Stop the sex with the other man for it is hurting you from inside (it goes against your honest nature.) Forgive yourself and forgive your husband, for whatever failing you might have seen in him that pushed you to another's arms.

Be kind and understanding toward your husband and try to put yourself in his shoes. If you can find it in your heart, then pray for him, repeating "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" until you feel it made a difference.

Good Luck dear one, namaste


answered 14 Sep '10, 07:41

daniele's gravatar image


What is wrong with that: you are committing the act of adultery that can lead to serious grounds for divorce! Are you punishing yourself for the mistakes that your husband made? Has your husband cheated on you, and you want revenge, if so, there is a saying two wrongs do not make a right!

Whatever your reasons are: you should consider the consequences of your action, since you both have a moral and legal responsibility in the marriage. You can contemplate on these questions: do you love, trust, and respect your husband, and does your husband love, trust and respect you? Only you will know the answers to these questions, so be wise not to compromise your values and standards carelessly, or out of revenge!

One final thought, if you are the one at fault here, then you should take the appropriate measures to get help. Your question is by far, not funny! The sixth commandment in the bible teaches: “Thou shall not commit adultery.”


answered 17 Sep '10, 05:08

Inactive%20User's gravatar image

Inactive User ♦♦

I agree with Graham Cook " You reap what you sow". There is no 'right' or 'wrong' in the entire universe. If there were, why would God give us the capacity and/or inclination to do something thats 'wrong' and then punish us.

All that is ... is Cause and Effect.. Each thought/ word / deed is a cause that has an appropriate effect. So the question you might wanna ask yourself is... " How would I feel if my husband did this to me?" If you are cool with it, then IMHO you can go ahead with it. Also remember - What you cause your husband to experience (pain/rejection/ cheated/used etc), you shall experience it too.


answered 10 Nov '10, 05:06

Hitesh's gravatar image


Oh la dee da, back to that, "everyone sees things from a different perspective crap." What a useful excuse to rationalize behavior that you can't face up to in yourself or others. Everyone sees things from a different perspective? Yeah to a certain extent, well how about this, mister or miss "superenlightened one"; what would your perspective be if someone killed one of your kids? Oh go get quiet, meditate, think about how you "manifested" that in your life. Oh, have you heard of "race" thought? It's simple, how groups of individuals have similar thinking about things. Human race has certain things that are not acceptable. Why? Maybe because that's the way it is, so accept that and be ok with it, hmm. Well if all else fails we can enter into our own bashar type reality, and just deny that anything unpleasant exists in our reality. Don't like reality? No problem just delude yourself into thinking that you can just bounce along and create a reality free from the repercussions of the past, just because we want to. Yeah, that's called denial, and borders on schizophrenia by definition of the word. Man, some of this "spirituality" I see looks like plain, weak passiveness, and wishful thinking, it looks like straight up addiction to me, from those who even in their so-called "spirituality' have not learned to deal with things the way they are. This spirituality cloud usually is a way out, just another way out of pain, and when it fails, back to the original drug of choice. No, it's not right to cheat on your husband. Seems some folks like to think its ok, and try to backstroke their way out of it, with bullcrap that makes it ok (for them) Oh, he was so mean to my confused, alcoholic, drug addicted self, that i just had to go "manifest" someone else.... Weak...Just weak to me.


answered 04 Jun '13, 17:29

zotac's gravatar image


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Asked: 13 Aug '10, 15:58

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Last updated: 06 Jun '13, 14:20

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