Ele inspired this question.
She asked me, "When are you going to apply what you know to yourself?"
I have tried and tried to heal, and I am starting to become disheartened. I think that the damage that was done to me might just be beyond repair.
What happened? What could do this to a person?
Warning: The following material is very graphic and may be upsetting to those who are sensitive.
Now...As I said, I have had a ton of deprogramming therapy, years of working to reunite me with me...and this has involved accepting these horrible memories and dropping the partitions in my brain. But now that I am getting into middle age, I am wondering to myself if I really can truly recover. I have to mention that the bad stuff continued on into adulthood...Our home was hit by an F4 Tornado when I was nine. It was a very bad experience. It damaged my school and my church. My swing set was twisted into a pretzel. Six people in my small town were killed, including the grandfather of a dear friend of mine. So when I went through Katrina in 2005, it was like another nightmare. That is a whole story all by itself. My lovely ex-husband had already run away to Texas, and I lived alone and dealt with the damage...and FEMA...and the huge holes in my roof...and the barrels to catch the rain... alone. More PTSD to recover from... The recent tornadoes in Oklahoma set my teeth on edge. I know what those poor people feel, right down to my toes.
I keep trying to just set this stuff to one side, and have shucked it off more times than I can say. But my brain isn't letting go, and I do not know why.
My brain feels like Hell, and I feel like a Soul dragging a body.
I am soooo tired.
I try to be positive, grateful, happy...I have Wade, a new life, all of it...and then, like today, I get shoved into a real old MRI machine, and I literally lost it. I was hysterical. I could not stop myself. Jai left. Shealeigh came, then some of the really little kids, and finally Jean came to deal with the people who were not helping me, and would not stop the MRI and get me out of that machine...When they did pull me out, I was sobbing, six years old, and screaming, "Get me out of this coffin!"
Wade was distraught. I was distraught, and embarrassed.
So, ele, what do you think? Personally, I am really wondering if I can be rehabilitated.
And that really, really upsets me to no end. I am trying so hard to be normal.
And I am getting real tired of living this way.
Maybe one of you will say something that will really help me. And Wade, too.
He has only heard part of the stories, like those I wrote above, I assure you there are lots more horrors inside my head.
I really, really love all of you guys and gals. You have literally helped keep me alive. I appreciate you all more than you can guess. Thank you.
@Jai before you start reading any further please know that what I say is only come from a place of love.
We all have stories and we could probably get into a competition on whose story is the most horrific and who deserves the most sympathy votes. I am in no way trying to undermine what you went through but the truth is that you are the only one keeping the story alive and allowing it to have power over your current life experience. On numerous occasions (thankfully) you tell us how wonderful it is to be where you're at and to have your current experience with Wade. No-one keeps the other part of your story alive except yourself and if you believe there's something to be fixed well I hate to say it but then there's always going to be something to be fixed.
The past only exists because you choose to keep it alive and keep giving it your attention instead of placing your attention on the great relationship you have manifested and allowing life to flow from that. Sorry I know it sounds harsh but you can't undo what has been done, all you can do is finally let it go once and for all. Until you do...you'll never find peace. And that my friend is always available if you truly want it and are willing to lay aside your own role of victim....you can do it :-)
answered 01 Jun '13, 00:48
Hi Jai. I can see that this feels horrible for you. I'm hoping that letting some of this awful story out of you will be cathartic, as @Wade said. Better out than in, kiddo. ;)
There are a couple of things that are in my head and heart about your painful post that I want to share with you, and then I have a suggestion that I feel may do some good. I don't have all this sorted out for myself yet, but I'm seeing something in your post that I think we share, and this is what I've come to so far - what has been helpful for me, I'm really hoping it will help you too.
Let me start, most importantly, as @Michaela did, by saying that I am here with nothing but love.
Next, let me say that I believe @Michaela is telling you the truth. It's a hard truth, Jai, but it is the one by which you have the most to gain.
We do all have stories. Yours is horrible. Mine is not nice. But they all have that one, all important common denominator - They are all in the past. They can only exist as the stories we tell ourselves.
The next thing I want to say is I think when a person has suffered, they have a need for that suffering to be honored somehow. Is that the word? Validated. Something from another human being that tells you the experience has been understood, or at least recognised. It makes you feel better. Sometimes I think I deserve a medal just for keeping going, walking and talking lol! :)
I think it's natural. Human. But it does have a distinct beginning, middle, and end. If it has no end, you can get lost in that loop, always reaching for that understanding to make you feel better. But what feels best, is when you come to the end, put it down, and walk away from it. Just let go.
Jai, you have "tried and tried" to heal yourself, which means you have fed and fed the beast, over and over again. What you focus on, grows. (I felt that, btw; you mentally threw an overripe tomato at my head when you read that!) :) It sucks, but its true. I think it is instictive to want to lick our wounds. ;) So it's hard, at first, to starve them of the attention they need to survive. But you can do it. You can simply tell yourself a different story.... which brings me to my suggestion:
You needed to express yourself; your pain, your frustration. You have done that. So now, you need it all honored, recognised, once and for all. Let me do that part. Let this whole, windy post honor with love what you've been through. Let the others here who can hear this do that for you.
Then the last part. Jai, let this be the very last time you tell yourself that story. Take in the recognition of what you've been through, take the love and healing energy being sent to you this One. Last. Time. And let it be over.
From this day on, only tell your new story - your triumphant happily ever after, your strength and serenity, the love you revel in now. It does not mean you deny or supress anything. You have done all of the processing you are ever going to do. It does not mean that you never stub your toe, or that you can't yell your head off when you do... It's about your back story - Let it be the one about your happy home, your interesting life, full of exciting possibilities. Let that be the only story you tell yourself. It's a good story!
I'm sending love to you in great, warm waves, Jai. Let's be in this moment right now, full of love, only. And then this one... then this one. This moment, with you and me and Wade and all the IQers here loving you... this moment right now, is beautiful. :)
With a full heart and lots of love, Grace
answered 01 Jun '13, 04:27
I have never said this before... get a tattoo ,a physical reminder that you are loved NOW and will always be. No one can hurt the blessedness in you. You are watched over and guided by Angles
answered 01 Jun '13, 03:03
My advise to you is to listen to the great Spiritual masters like Yogananda Paramahansa, Wayne dyer, deepak chopra , abraham hicks etc etc.. read and listen to them again and again and again and apply what you learn constantly. That will get out of all the turmoil. this is like learning basketball from Michael jordan and magic johnson etc. These Spiritual masters know the teachings of how to live our lives. please listen to them and get out of the sufferings. Please this is the way out!! If you do this you will be GUARANTEED a JOYOUS, PASSIONATE AND HAPPY life. We all want to good easy answers and this is it. They have the formula and just follow it.
answered 01 Jun '13, 03:52
No Jai, you can never be beyond anything.
You are Christ Jai, nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.
You will soon be removing the "AND" out of "you and Christ".
There will only be Christ. Thats all.
answered 01 Jun '13, 04:26
As Michaela said, we all have our stories. Why we experience what we experience only matters if it helps us to create a better Now. Now is all there is. Now we can relive the past, worry about the future, or enjoy the present. If there is something Now that you perceive to be keeping you from enjoying Now, ask yourself if you can do anything about it Now. If you can, change it, if not, then change the way you feel about or perceive it. Two Hands Touching can help you feel better Now. If there is something to clear, EZ Deletion Sequence can help to neutralize the emotional reaction. THT with affirmations can help a lot as well.
I have learned not to go digging for issues to clear. If something comes up, is affecting my Now, I clear it. For example, you know you are going to have an MRI, and you know you will react. Do EZDS for fear of being trapped (or the best word for you). Repeat until you get to a zero. Then use THT with a possitive statement like, "I am safe." The more Now moments that you spend feeling good, the more moments you spend feeling good Now. :)
The Bible talks about thinking about things that are good, and true and right. You can also pray when you notice thoughts that you believe would displease God. Use THT with your prayers. Say, "God, please forgive me for thinking that/those thought/s. Please help me to only think thoughts that are pleasing to you. Let my thoughts be a sweet aroma." You can end it in Jesus name if you want.
I have done some work where I do THT, and while in that state, I imagine myself going to myself as a child in a traumatic situation. I go to my child self and introduce myself. I tell her I am there to help her, and that everything will be ok. I then ask her what she wants me to do to help her. For example, one time, she just wanted me to hold her. Then I do that. When I am all done, and feel better about the situation, I go back to THT. However, I would not compare my experiences with yours, so procede with caution and a trusted assistant, like Wade.
@Jaianniah The best therapies for you in this period of your life are not the ones that trigger your trauma - by allowing, being passive and watching the mind and letting go, because this would imply a pretty stable emotional balance that would allow you to approach the trauma/issue in this manner. Trust me, no! The best therapies, for now, are the ones that, add litteram ERASE the whole trauma system created in your subconscious mind - it is a system because it is composed of: emotions,thoughts,imaginations,different traumas,etc. that trigger one another non-stop recreating and maintaing the Big trauma as an underlying "way of living", a difused "going nuts, without being able to control it" way of living..wich is not.
So, with all my heart, i recommand you to not loose a moment and do one of these or combined therapies : 1) What releaser99 suggested - Faster EFT 2) What Fairy Princess suggested (even better in my opinion) - EZ Deletion Sequence and the rest 3) BeSetFreeFast (BSFF)is my first choice to recommand you : http://www.besetfreefast.com/ Find a counselor in BSFF, or if it is possible, contact directly Dr. Larry Nims. On his site he gives even the option to do sessions through Skype ! Check it out. I will present you a few details about BSFF background for your better understanding of its power (and because i practice it for myself and i know how fast and powerful is).
Dr. Nims himself was a chronic depressive and , after attempting to commit suicide 4 times he gave up, admitting he was not able to do at least this thing to get over with his illness. So, he became interested in helping "mentally disturbed" people (irronicaly, he had studies and practice in some psychiatric field) and seeing that the actual, at that time, overall therapy was not suitable for really helping people he asked God to give him some knowledge/therapy that really heals people with emotional/mental issues. And after a year he discovered Dr. Callahan's TFT..it evolved into EFT..then BSFF (by the way, the creator of EFT, Gary Craig, after he saw Dr. Nims with BSFF he kinda gave up at using EFT because BSFF was much faster/deeper..)
BUT, in cases with profound disturbing roots like yours, it is recommanded to have a counselor to treat you..at least in the beginning...then you can LEARN BSFF and treat yourself very fast about anything and whenever it is necessary. And, who knows, you will become a great healer...this is a common path that the best healers had...they suffered very much before...
I also recommand you, to visit this site : http://www.ask-angels.com . Personally, i found it very useful and helpful - it offers even free guided "meditations"-the ones channelled and recorded as messages, advices and ways to communicate with Angels and Archangels, with our soul with help of Angels,etc... Actually you have there even therapy sessions with healing energy from angels and angelic readings.
I wish you to be free=to be you !
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