I think I've developed a huge fear around not hearing back from people when I communicate with them. I see it's becoming an increasing theme in my life. Currently I'm about to embark on a job search, but I just "know" that I'm not going to get responses to my letters of interest.
I'm so afraid of not hearing back that I don't even want to write. I guess I'm not the only person in this situation. Sometimes I make comments on facebook or forums and the person whose wall or question I've posted doesn't comment back and I feel invisible I guess and it just triggers a lot of anger. I'm not an angry person but being ignored gets me very upset more than it should..... and I think it's just polite to respond to people's comments. I always do.
One of my biggest fears in relationships is when it all goes quiet and someone stops responding or replying to my messages. Doesn't happen that often, but the experience of it having happened a couple of times is enough to trigger a huge fear in me. I guess I'm going out into the world with a vibe of 'people don't really care about me and only reply if it's something they want or is to their benefit'. Recently I sent an email to someone at work about wanting to help them out on a project and I've heard no reply for over a week.
I sent out another important email to someone I thought would get an immediate response but again nothing for over a week. Interestingly enough these kind of situations seem to happen in a row so I do wonder whether focusing on one lack of response, somehow produces the next one? I know I have to change my reaction and respond differently to when I don't hear from someone, but I find it a challenge.
How can I change my world so that either not hearing back doesn't trigger me so much, or my world changes so I don't see this happening to me all the time. I feel I'm kind and friendly and polite to all, so how can I feel that I'm receiving this back from others. thank you.
Dear Inner Beauty, I personally would be delighted to respond to your inquiry, and do so without any expectation of benefit to myself. One of the easiest ways to lose faith in, or become anger and upset with our fellow humans, (regardless of our perceived relationship to them), is to expect them to behave or treat us in a particular way under a given set of circumstances. The anger you feel is a signal from your internal guidance system (Abraham, LOA) indicating the presence of a limiting belief that is not in alignment with who you are. Anger is the fear expressing itself. Both arise from a belief in Expectations. (Your ideas about how others should respond to you whether in an email or any other interpersonal communication). There is a conflict with another belief you likely have, one that says 'I am not here to live up to anyone else's expectations'. If we are to free ourselves from the expectations of others, we must grant them freedom from our expectations as well.
I have rearranged your question below in order to bring to the surface key points to consider as well as expose a few limiting beliefs that you revealed. This should be enough to eliminate their negative effects on your life (Bashsar). I have also included some brief comments and alternate belief suggestions where appropriate. I apologize for anything I may have misinterpreted in my reading of your question. Furthermore, having eliminated expectations from my own life, I have no fear that you may not respond. I would not be upset nor will I think of you as anything other than the kind, friendly and polite person that you are :)
From "What do you do when all you hear back is silence?"
One of my biggest fears in relationships is when someone stops responding to my messages. The experience of it having happened a couple of times is enough to trigger a huge fear in me. I have developed a huge fear around not hearing back from people. I am so afraid of not hearing back. It just triggers a lot of anger. Being ignored gets me very upset
"It is becoming an increasing theme in my life."
"I am no longer accepting fear as the ruling theme for my life. I can allow people to choose when and if they will respond to me. I now understand that no response is a valid response, albeit a rather abbreviated one. I am OK with this as it allows me filter out people who are not meant to play a role in my life!"
"I just "know" that I am not going to get responses to my letters of interest."
"I just know that I will only get responses to my letters of interest from those who are in alignment with assisting me to accomplish what a I truly desire. I am only interested in the one "right" response. I realize I may have to cast many lines if I hope to catch the prize. "
"People do not really care about me."
Revise: "The people who will matter most to me really do care about me"
People only reply if it is something they want or is to their benefit.
I may be wrong, Inner Beauty, but I perceive you to be one of those rare individuals who always has something to give and wants to be of benefit to others. If that is the case, then in these cases, LOA appears to be working :)
"It is just polite to respond to people's comments. I always do.
I am kind and friendly and polite to all."
That is such a good thing! Moreover, this is what you will begin to experience from others once you melt away the fear, anger, and expectation that is preventing you from perceiving it as it manifests all around you!
Does focusing on lack of response, somehow produce one? Yes, but you already are aware of that, aren't you (Abraham, LOA 101)
"How can I feel that I am receiving this back from others?" See above!
'How can I change my world?" Change your beliefs about it and pay attention to the following quote. (One of your own)
"I have to change my reaction and respond differently to when I don't hear from someone."
"I find it a challenge."
As Bashar would say, "You find it a challenge? Wonderful!" :)
answered 02 Dec '14, 00:18
what right is it that has me
answered 02 Dec '14, 06:46
To answer your question ask your self those 3 question.
1:Well what does it tell you when someone does not answer back?
2: What does it tell you about them ?
3: What does it tell you about your self?
if you asked your self those 3 question you should arrive to similar answer.
1:If the person does not answer back it could be that they view what you said as information and they have nothing to add. or they might not be able to answer you if you asked a question.
2 What does it tell you about them either they know what you told them or they did not know. and if it was a question and they are not able to answer it might be that they do not have enough knowledge at the moment to answer you back so they need to learn more about what ever the subject was.
3 What does it tell you about your self. that you exchange info and the person as nothing to add means that you might have all the info about the subject or you have more then the person you are talking with. in the case of a question they do not see them self fit to answer your question so they are in the dark on this. on less they see you not worth to answer to in this case it is their problem and unless they have a really good reason to not answer example they know that if they answer you, you will not be happy of what they say or you will keep on going for ever on this subject and they do not want to go that way, then it is their choice and they have free will and are responsible of their choice same as you. Why then do you have that darkness in your cup? and why do you see other as the problem and your self as the problem? also if you have problem with silence you should go to a silent place and meditate. you see often people wash only the outside of the cup they see other and the world around them as the problem. yet if they go meditate for real they find out that the problem is not out side it is not other it is not the world. the problem is to clean the inside of the cup. what most often people do not do and from the over flow of the heart they drop their unclean and poisonous dark water in other people cup saying it is your fault I don't like you, you are ugly you are stupid. etc.
There are many standing at the door, but it is the solitary who will enter the bridal chamber.
Rather then finding problem on the outside one should go in the desert and solve is own duality clean the inside of the cup and make is heart pure.
there is light in a person of light and it shines on the whole world, if not it is dark.
you are not in darkness any more.
Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
Hi there, Good question. Both answers (:as is the case with all answers:) are true but you will prefer some better than other. However, none of the answers are the Ultimate Truth. If you'd like to know more, let me know with a comment and if you're satisfied with one or the other answer presented above, or a blend of both or anything else for that matter then please proceed. Congruence with your chosen "answer" is very important.
========= MORE INFO ========= Hi there Inner Beauty, So here's the more detailed reply since you said you're interested in my perspective.
EVERYTHING IS WITHIN. Consciousness is the only reality and YOU are that consciousness. All the "others" are YOU and YOU are all the "others". It seems very hard to understand this since YOU take on the illusion of a seemingly limited perspective that you somewhat incorrectly (: and yet somewhat usefully :) consider to be "You". Since consciousness is the basis of all reality and you are that consciousness, anything in your experience (: including this question, the answers, all arguments, counter arguments, sensory so-called evidence etc. :) which is in your consciousness and therefore part of it must be a product of it. As far as YOU are concerned, nothing would exist save for your consciousness of it. You will always be conscious of (: in terms of experience :) what you are conscious of.
If people are responding this way then you are on some level creating it. It's very tricky for an outsider to point out specifics of this clearly without considerable interaction with you. As for your job search: no matter how many approaches you take only the ones you are in significant alignment with will work. You don't need many tries, but you do need that ONE ALIGNED MOMENT / OPTION. Tries don't find that moment or opportunity, only alignment does :) so being as happy or relaxed as you can will help you tremendously. However, I do understand that sometimes in certain situations you may feel terribly stressed if you don't make any attempts so you take some "shots" to make yourself feel better - that is fine if that's the only way to take some imagined (: and therefore real :) pressure off you. Still at some point, you'll have to focus on getting in the well-being zone to a significant degree.
In terms of dealing with the response / "lack" of it, here's how I'd do it:
a) Accept that I have caused this experience through my state of mind one way or the other even though it I can't pin down how I've done it. I'll leave that for later.
b) Realize there can be significant benefits in a "no response". Getting into something you're negatively aligned with can cause more regret in the longer run. So it could turn out to be something useful. One of my biggest breaks when I was looking for a job was after I decided "I'm stopping this search s--t." (: I was pretty annoyed with how it was turning out :) and decided to take ANY consequence that came. What happened was, someone who did not really know I was available heard from someone else who did know (: and I didn't orchestrate any of this nor was it directly linked to my job search activities :) and got in touch with and I went to on to take on something that really enjoyed for its time and that was very beneficial to me in many ways. I did not even push for it really, and any external asking I did came rather naturally to me. I'm not suggesting you quit the search, but if it's really putting you off then it might be worth considering (: delay until you feel a bit better :) because when you're getting p*ssed off with what's happening on the search in the current moment, that affects the next and so on. Sometimes when you turn your focus away (: even though that seems counter intuitive :), you release the block in your consciousness that allows the next good thing in.
c) Spend more time in meditation if you aren't already. Sometimes keeping the mind relatively quiet is better than a lot of positive emotion generating processes because sometimes quiet is what is required.
d) You can also gear a response using your imagination. Start imagining positive responses before you send the letters / mails out. Imagine people engaging in positive ways with you. Revise memories of unpleasant incidents using your imagination into what you'd like - do this only if you feel reasonably positive during the revision process or alter participants (: sometimes using some people triggers the negativity :) while keeping the general idea of the script the same. The idea is not change the past (: although you are subtly altering it in a certain way as crazy as it sounds :) or force someone to behave in a certain way, but to your Self geared in the right direction.
I hope this helps you. Get in touch if you need additional info.
Radically edited- My original answer was terrible... My apologies to @Inner Beauty, and to my friends here. Inner Beauty, I can only imagine how badly you felt after reading my response, which did not apply to your answer at all. Doubly terrible, because you really needed to be heard! I hope this new answer will help you a little. ♥
I suppose that when you are not hearing back from people, perhaps you are assuming things about what they might be thinking... both about you and about what they think of whatever you wrote.
When I write anything that is public, and nobody responds to it, it leaves me feeling a little bereft. I wonder if I did not "hit" people the right way. I wonder if they got nothing out of what I wrote. I might even start feeling sorry for myself! But usually, I am assuming a bunch of ideas which usually are completely off base! Remember? Assume = "a** [out of] u + me" ??? I always have to be careful when I assume anything. People do not have crystal skulls, so I cannot read their thoughts! When I write privately to others, and they do not respond, it irks me even more. I gather this is not an isolated problem; Dear Abby is inundated with letters about people who are not responding to RSVPs- even wedding invitations are not being responded to, which is really terrible. Invitations with RSVPs should always be answered. I guess that people are getting pretty used to being able to message each other; even emails get ignored because messaging is so much easier. So if this is the case, you do have the right to be upset when you do not hear from people... But, still, I would refrain from going as far as assuming that you are being rejected, which is at the core of the problem.
It hurts to be rejected by others. It really does. Inclusion feels good. I have a big problem with rejection. I sometimes get myself really tangled up when I perceive that I am being rejected. I think some of this stems from my childhood, when I truly was rejected by my mother. I also was bullied in High School, and I thought that this bullying was my fault, and also I thought that it just confirmed that my mother was right to reject me. When people do not respond to me, one way or the other, my mind always leaps right to the conclusion that I am being rejected. I have to say, though, that Wade has helped me a lot with this. A lot. :) Wade is very quick to point out when I am being illogical, and when I assuming things and jumping to conclusions that may not be true. I have had a short temper lately [because of pain... my back is very bad]. It really helps that he withstands my outbursts and does not change what he thinks about a situation, just because I am upset. Thanks, Wade. [He deserves to have a few flowers pinned on him. Really. I have been totally nuts with pain, and he has been angelic. Forgive me for my digression here. Blame it on the pain meds. I have to take them to help.]
When John (my ex-husband) asked me for a divorce, of course, this played into my bad feelings about myself. Once again, I was being rejected. I was a failure. I get this black, dark sensation in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it. And then came huge gaps of what you call, "silence". I could no longer count on John, or any of my family for that matter, to respond to me when I needed them. I think that when you mentioned this lack of response, it must have triggered something big in me. I think my terrible answer came from my resonation with you. I guess I did not want to look at those bad feelings. Isn't it funny how my mind thinks it is protecting me? Actually, it failed me.
Rejection is hard to deal with, but not impossible. I have to catch the feeling very quickly. I then have to stop it- stop feeling it, that is- and examine where my thinking has gone. I find I am always assuming a great deal of nonsense which usually is not true. I then have to substitute some rational thoughts into my mind. I have to say positive facts about myself:
And so on.
It takes practice, but this works for me. I hope it helps you. I also hope that you will take a look a what you are assuming when you feel that "silence". Where did that feeling originate? How were you hurt initially? What can you do to fill up the hole this made in you? How can you take apart your thinking so the "silence" will not hurt you anymore?
I hope this is a better answer!
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