I recently asked my ex (and mother to my child, so I have regular contact with her) what her issues were with me, because quite frankly, I couldnt work it out.

What she came back with (after a 6 month wait) was her "view" of me, a few things true, I am quiet, I dont know if I trust her, therefore, I guess I do come across as a "closed book" though she HAS lied to my face before, and even argued the point about it,..."yes you do"..." no I dont" thing....so yes, it is true when she has picked up that she feels I dont trust her,but how can I when she has repeatedly lied to me??

Other things she said, are utter crap! That I can shoot so many holes through AND with proof, its not funny.So in a way I'm not worried. What I am worried/concerned about is what she says to other people/school/lawyers etc, or do I not?

And I not even really know what I'm trying to ask or say, I guess its when someone blatantly lies to you and about you,and you need to see them and "work" with them,what do you do? Yes I do be honest with her, though yes, I have learnt to be a little "on guard" when talking with her, and I do take things she says with a little pinch of salt and pinch of doubt.

So how do you continue to take someone who lies to you at face value?

asked 15 Aug, 16:41

alliswell's gravatar image


showing 0 of 1 show 1 more comments

Judging from the tone of this question and your other question ( How do I deal with a ex who lies ), you seem quite angrily focused about your "Ex".

Although it's hard to hear when it feels like someone else is doing things to you, the truth is that...

No-one is doing things to you - except you

In other words, you are 100% attracting her attitude and behavior towards you.

To get some background information, it might be worth reading the thread that @ele referred to in a comment under your question: What do you do when you live with someone who blames you for all their problems?

It's simple enough to prove this to yourself if you are willing to try...

  • For the next 30 days, promise to yourself you are going to try to stop thinking about your "ex" in a bad-feeling way. If you have to think about her, think about her from a neutral-feeling place - or, if it's possible, don't think about her at all except for the purposes of this method. After 30 days, you are welcome to go back to being angry with her if you feel you really want to :)

  • Every day for the next 30 days, you are going to write down Five things you Like about your "ex". Yes, it's going to make you want to grind your teeth to pulp initially to do this. But you'll learn something profound about the way your life works if you are willing to try.

  • The five things every day have to be different. You can't use anything you've written on a previous day.

  • It's virtually guaranteed that before the 30 days are up, her behavior will change for the better beyond anything you can imagine right now. (assuming you stick to feeling neutral about her if you really have to think about her)

Obviously, it's up to you if you decide to take this method seriously or not. But since it will only take a few minutes of your time every day, you've probably got nothing to lose - and the promise of plenty to gain.


answered 16 Aug, 04:03

Stingray's gravatar image


edited 16 Aug, 04:13


This is a really good answer, as usual @Stingray :) To add, if you try this, this might help... If you can gather a selection of photos of your ex as a child. This really helps to generate positive feelings about someone that you feel negative emotion about. Look at the pictures as you make your list of positive aspects. I've tried this and I ended up generating deep feelings of love and positivity for the person I had difficulties with. I hope you have success with it. Keep us posted. :)

(16 Aug, 09:07) Yes

@Stingray - This process works so effectively in just 1 - 2 days that I'm afraid your 30 day suggestion might get you an unexpected wedding invitation :)

(16 Aug, 12:49) WeRadiateBeauty

Following on from @Stingray's excellent answer, here's a direct excerpt from The Magic by Rhonda Byrne that is quite relevant to your situation.

For example, if you have an ex-partner who is connected to you through your children, and the relationship isn't good, look at your children's faces and realize that they wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for your ex-partner. Your children's lives are one of the most precious gifts you have. Look at your children, and give thanks to your ex-partner for their lives every single day! As well as bringing peace and harmony to the relationship, through your example you will be teaching your children the greatest tool for their life - gratitude.


This magical practice is not about who is right or wrong. No matter what you feel someone has done to you, no matter what someone said or didn't do, you can magically heal the relationship, and you don't need the other person in order to heal it. There is gold in every relationship, even the difficult ones, and to bring riches to all your relationships and your life, you have to find the gold. As you dig and discover a nugget of gold, write it down, address the person by name, and express your sentence in gratitude: Name , I'm grateful for what? .

  1. Paul, I'm grateful for our time together. While our marriage did end, I learned a lot, I am so much wiser today, and I use what I learned from our marriage in many of my relationships today.
  2. Paul, I'm grateful for everything you did to try and make our marriage work, because ten years of marriage means you did try.
  3. Paul, I am grateful to you for our children. The joy I receive from them every day could not be without you.
  4. Paul, I'm grateful to you for the hard work and long hours you put in to support our family, while I was at home taking care of our children. It was a big responsibility to have all of us dependent on you, so thank you.
  5. Paul, I am grateful to you for the precious moments I had with our children as they grew up. I got to see our children talk and walk for the first time, and I know you didn't have that opportunity.
  6. Paul, I'm grateful for your support when I went through a difficult time of grief and loss.
  7. Paul, I'm grateful to you for the times when I was sick, and you did your best to take care of me and the children.
  8. Paul, I'm grateful for the great times we had, and we did have many.
  9. Paul, I'm grateful that you want to continue to be a father to our children.
  10. Paul, I'm grateful for your support and the time you want to give to our children. I know they mean as much to you as they do to me.

Byrne, Rhonda. The Magic. New York: Atria, 2012. Print.

I'd also like to add, for any Abraham listeners out there, that the use of gratitude/grateful in the excerpt is actually a use of appreciation. Keep in mind that all these processes ultimately aim to help you feel better--as long as you follow your emotions, you won't get caught up in any technicalities. See Gratitude vs. Appreciation for further information.


answered 16 Aug, 12:31

WeRadiateBeauty's gravatar image


edited 16 Aug, 12:32

It may sound harsh, what Stingray said, and maybe unpleasant to think that you're "the cause" of what's happening to your dislike.

And I've been there, done that, too. It is a state you maybe in right now, where you may feel that you're right, and she is wrong. At this point you may want confirmation, compassion - as "a weak side", a victim, kind of, to whom a wrong was done.

And you are legitimate in that.

And the question isn't even in changing her behaviour by changing your attitude - that is kind of chasing your own tail.

The only question here is, how you feel in your life with this position.

When you feel weak, someone, to whom the not right was done, and you continue to hold that point of view, you give your own power away.

And when you feel like your feeling totally depends on what someone else is doing, you, too, limit your own power and ability to feel good at will. Just because you decided so.

So I would start with small, little thoughts like "What if I could raise my mood regardless of what she is doing?"

Maybe even I would start with "I have the full right to feel whatever I feel. I have the full right and give myself the full permission to hate her, if it feels easier for me to do so. I don't need to act on these feelings - I love myself when our interaction is in good feelings, when we're in harmony, but I won't lie to myself, I'll admit (gladly and freely) that my feelings are real. I have the full right and permission from ME to feel that. I need no one else's permission for it."

And you may feel easier on that already.

And then you could go to "Maybe I could find more thoughts that could raise me more, independently of what's going on. Maybe I don't need to change what's happening outside, in order to feel better. I can bring myself a relief here and now, I have this power, I will admit it, too."

And then I would maybe do what Stingray suggested, but NOT in order to see how her behaviour changes - otherwise it may be like for that farmer, who every day torn the seed from the ground to see if it's grown.

I would do it for myself, for my own feeling - because I would see that when I list what I like about her (and I would give myself permission and right to list what I listed yesterday and a week ago and a month ago), I feel better!

Because believe me, nothing compares with that feeling - to suddenly discover, that the hell with the outside, you don't need to change it, you have the power and the ability to feel however you bring yourself to feel. And you can totally do it on your own.

Maybe you will see that all that experience was worth it, if it brought you to this.

Amen. :)

P.S. There was, by the way, an interesting thread these days, I think you might benefit from what's said there.

I wish you good feeling. :)

P.P.S. I think, the matter is, that when you're lied to, you feel helpless, that's the lowest position in the Emotional Scale.

And to go higher from that, one may greatly benefit from anger, even hatred - that you need not to act upon, but benefit from feeling it fully and freely.

From that helpless state, when one is reminded of their "power to create their reality", it may sound very annoying, Abraham-Hicks spoke about that many times. Just because it's a too big of a jump. Hatred and anger may be closer and more possible to bring yourself to and then higher.

That's probably where you're at right now, and to all "pink view positive" people outside of you, if they are high, it may seem a wrong place to be, one that they wouldn't encourage - and by compassion they may feel they would encourage you.

But knowing this, you may understand it. And be able to find your own path - between all those other sides. Just finding your own thoughts that feel a little bit better, than what you've been feeling.

Just take small steps, they are more possible, less annoying, and more stable. They give you your power back in a subtle, yet effective, way.

Ah, and to your question - how you take one at their face value - I would recommend what AH recommend usually, "Go into the Vortex and then". Meaning, first tend to your own feelings, and only when you feel much better, when you feel from that harmony a desire to interact, out of love, then interact and try to take score, how you feel about them and what you prefer to think.


answered 16 Aug, 08:47

Olga%20Farber's gravatar image

Olga Farber

edited 16 Aug, 09:04

I have been where you are right now. My ex-husband almost killed me and was hauled off in leather restraints. his family insisted everywhere that it was my fault and that I made up his behavior. The only way to deal with it, is to quit dealing with it. The only person's view that is important is your own. Unfortunately in divorces families are torn and they choose sides. Once they do, they back their own, no matter what. To continue to support their own, they will paint them as white and you as black. The harder you fight it, the worse it becomes. The more you feed it, the bigger the monster grows. As hard as it is, let it go. Bless them in your heart. And let them be. If they throw dirt your way, walk around it. If you don't engage they will grow tired of the game. The hardest thing you can do is stop playing. But you must. You dont need someone else opinion of who you are, you know who you are. You have no control of what other people think. If they come to you, I would answer their questions, but do so in a non-judegemental way. People notice, I promise. And it does get easier, time passes, the wound heals. Let the pain go. Cry if your sad. But don't ask their opinion, you already know what it will be. Believe in yourself. Love yourself, and try as hard as you can to not engage. I send you great love, I know personally how much it hurts.


answered 23 Aug, 17:33

Triaa's gravatar image


how do you overcome someone opinion of you.

answer you don't it is to the other person to make is own choice and have is own opinion.

Just like you need to see and understand the truth, it is same for every one, if some are lost in darkness, ignorance and lies ; they are the only person that can make the choice to find back the light, the knowledge and the truth.

you see the first problem is that people are always looking outside for problem and not often enough inside.

that is why they make division and wrong to each other. I could do a never ending list of what wrong people do to them self and other. i will stick with this you can see it by your self. lets just say that they are lost in darkness, they seek praise they tell lie to make them self look better, they stumble on each other like blind people and they judge each other. and they are afraid of anything they do not understand. so they make division and war.

so it takes what they lack to overcome them self, find them self and find the truth same for every one.

If you have gained this within you, what you have will save you. If you do not have this in you, what you do not have in you will kill you.(to explain this sentence properly people that are in division are in division and darkness from the inside out. because they are lost and did not find them self yet the spirit that immortal true self that remains once the physical body is no more. and of course if they do not find that self and continue to harm them self and other they cause their own death.)

Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.


answered 16 Aug, 15:48

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 18 Aug, 01:56

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