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I've been thinking about posting about this here lately, and something happened just now that gave me the push to do so. I got a new roommate here last month. He seemed nice enough when we met. It had been stressful looking for someone to take over the bedroom vacated by the previous roomie, and this guy was up for it and seemed he could be a good fit. I accepted him, and we signed an agreement for his tenancy. Stuff keeps happening that give me one shock after another. He seems to be a "peeper"; I caught him lurking outside the bathroom door when I was running a bath and came out to get something from my room. He dashed away. Another time he stood in his doorway stripping, with full lights on. I have reason to believe he's been going in my room when I am out. And there's other stuff, but I think voicing them makes me sound paranoid and like I'm the one with the problem... I am doing my best to stay positive/on keel but it's not easy. Right now I am pretty much out of the vortex.
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You are experiencing disempowerment. This is a good thing, because it allows you to have the experience of shifting into empowerment from disempowerment, which is one of the fullest experiences that a spirit being can have. How exciting! Here's how to handle it. First, chose, decide, decree, select, align yourself, make true, that you will experience this situation in a positive way. Support this decision by finding positive qualities in your situation. It will allow you to demonstrate your empowerment regardless of circumstances, which is the mastery of life. It must have been necessary in order to bring to the surface a negative belief, otherwise it would not have occurred. It will allow you to put into practice everything empowering that you have learned lately, in powerful real-world scenario. It is a challenge, a quest, a meeting with your match, and only good can come from it- if that is what you (see above) authoritatively decide to experience. Paradoxically, disempowerment tends to dissipate, once you chose to experience it in an empowering way. Second, chose to experience this person in a positive way. Spiritually, he is your nemesis, which is a positive quality; a nemesis is not a negative thing at all, but a positive one- a nemesis challenges you to be the most empowered that you can be in the face of difficulty, which is why you need the empowerment in the first place. Decide to have no qualms with this person spiritually, and acknowledge any positive quality that you can find- tidiness, decency where it is, reliability in paying rent- if any of these are not so, find something else. Third, acknowledge to yourself and then to him that this person has been grossly violating your boundaries, and that you will not stand for it. It is not "being negative" to acknowledge behavior for what it is, that is just an observation. Trust that only good can come from confronting him. Make the meeting as positive, businesslike and professional as you can, without any kind of inappropriate favors- no cookies, no tea. That would reinforce the lack of alignment of his behavior. Instead, call a meeting like you would for anything else that needs to be fixed and is important; as if he were messy and needed a warning. Explain to him in no uncertain terms which behavior you are talking about (peeping, stripping and entering), and tell him he can either leave on his own terms within 14 days, or you will evict him, and that if anything even remotely like that should happen again in the interim you will not hesitate to call the police. Don't take any kind of excuse; you experienced the behavior the way you did and that's that. You have the legal power to evict him and you will use it if you have to. You have the legal power to get a restraining order against him, and you will, if you have to- you just don't do that by email, you call 911, and you don't get off the phone until you see a blue car, and then you press charges. And if for any reason your battery is dead and you can't find your charger, you go down to the station, and you don't leave until you have your restraining order. And here comes the kicker: You do not do any of these things because it will keep that person away from you, or because you need to teach him a lesson, or because you need armed professionals for your safety, or because you want to enact revenge on him, or for any negative reason- you do it because in our society, these things contain the symbolism of empowerment. They are reflective of what an empowered person does, in our society, should that person come into contact with someone who has the willingness to conduct himself in less-than-decent way, as the path of least resistance to resolving the situation. And further, you are doing that person a service, because you are demonstrating very clearly the state of his alignment, which is the aligned thing to do. Mind you, once you have pondered for a while this plan, and experienced fully your willingness to enact each and every step of it because it is your right to not experience violation, you can tone it down, if you see good reason to; not all of it may be necessary. The point is that the decision is yours, and that you know that you can do all of these things if it is necessary to keep your home in a good, aligned state. This is assertiveness. I see often that spiritually inclined people fail to stand up for themselves in this way, because they heard that the highly evolved will freely give themselves to an aggressor; and that can be true. But if that were the case, it would feel good, presumably because you knew that you could assert if you chose to. So learn to assert first, and then be generous whenever and if it feels aligned. For now, relish and enjoy the empowerment of assertiveness, and be greatful to your roommate for so willingly exposing his nonalignment to your freshly rediscovered and hence raw and fiesty assertive power. 1
This is a very empowering answer - good advice! Welcome to IQ Q @cmc @Delphine You did come to the right place to ask your question. My vibe was off and I think I creating more fear than empowerment with my answer.
(28 Nov '16, 17:11)
ele
@ele, I did appreciate your input, and @cmc, yes, your perspective is very empowering. I actually have come to many of the same conclusions. Right now though, I can't confront him because he went out of state, and did not say when he might be back. This is good and bad, because I am not sure whether he is going to continue paying his share of the rent, or give notice so I can find someone new. If he doesn't, I am at risk of becoming homeless, as I can't pay the whole rent myself.
(28 Nov '16, 20:44)
Delphine
He is a real estate developer, is well versed in all the rent and eviction laws. And the laws in our city don't make it easy to evict subtenants.
https://toughnickel.com/real-estate/How-to-Evict-a-Subtenant-in-San-Francisco
I think he likes to mind-f**k people, destabilize and disorient them.
(28 Nov '16, 20:52)
Delphine
Today I was reading Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth. This part especially resonated: "...if peace mattered to you more than anything else and you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it...Then out of your alertness would come a response.
(28 Nov '16, 21:03)
Delphine
(cont.) Who you are (consciousness), not who you think you are (a small me), would be responding. It would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation into an enemy." However cmc, I agree that a nemesis is not a bad thing per se. I appreciate being able to talk about this here. Thanks to both of you for your insights.
(28 Nov '16, 21:06)
Delphine
Yes you are the master tenant but in this situation you also take on the role of the landlord. Your link was NOT written by an attorney. Get out your lease to see if he violated any of the terms. Then search for a site in the state of CA which has info written by attorneys. You will prob have to file a legal complaint. If hes done something illegal it would be easier. He'll have a chance to respond & there may be mediation to solve the issue or a trial. You never said boo to him when you
(28 Nov '16, 23:27)
ele
saw him undressing. Yes, you were scared & shocked. There may be other reasons he was scurrying away when you came out of the bathroom. I can think of several. If you are sure, file a complaint. As we both said, you have to talk to him about this & set ground rules. @cmc gave you good advice on how to speak to him. You are the one w/the power. You don't have any evidence and right now, its your word against his. "Feelings" don't count for much in a court of law. You also need to document
(28 Nov '16, 23:35)
ele
everything. If he is that savvy & appts are hard to find in your area, perhaps he's trying to get you out. I've also been listening to New Earth nearly every day for a couple weeks. Good quotes.
(28 Nov '16, 23:38)
ele
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Yes, I do have the feeling he is trying to get me out. Apartment rents are high here and ours is rent controlled. As I said, he is a real estate developer. When he first moved in he shared about how landlords would do anything to get tenants out of rent controlled apts, including barging in unannounced and messing with their stuff. I've even wondered if he's been talking to my landlord about getting me out. As I said, roommate is out of state. Not much I can do about evicting him now.
(28 Nov '16, 23:52)
Delphine
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In mid-December plans are to replace the ancient garage doors in our building with brand-new. Roomie's car is parked in our garage. If he doesn't move it out to enable the improvement, it is possible we both could be evicted. One of the "just causes" for eviction here: "The tenant has refused the landlord access to the property (for repairs, improvements, etc)" If I do get served with an eviction notice, there is an eviction defense service I can utilize.
(29 Nov '16, 00:02)
Delphine
" Not much I can do about evicting him now." You can get yourself together. Are there any empowerment groups for women in your area? They have valuable resources also.
(29 Nov '16, 00:20)
ele
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Your describing a perv, someone with a sexual paraphilia or two. He sounds like a voyeur and he also shows traits of exhibitionism. Sexual paraphilia is a mental illness or disorder and can vary in severity. If so, I'm sure you know he's getting sexually aroused by watching you getting undressed or while naked . Voyeurs are usually not seeking sexual contact. They would rather get off flying solo; but you can't be sure. (the 'm" word gets hashtagged) This is serious and disturbing. Porn is readily accessible and there is no excuse for using you this way. He prob can't help himself and needs treatment. If it was me, I would of told him to leave when you caught him scurrying away from the bathroom or when you saw him stripping in the doorway. The guy makes you feel uncomfortable and there is a reason for it. Even if you are wrong, you don't feel comfortable. You mentioned paranoia, so you know you'll only see or attract things which will validate your suspicions and make you feel more uncomfortable, fearful and/or paranoid. They say you can't attract anything you're not a vibrational match too but you're also not responsible for what anyone else does and you can't control others. I could tell you to focus only on his good points and you'll see even more but I think when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them the first time. Listen to your gut instincts, your inner wisdom. You need to talk to him about this. Tell him how you feel and how uneasy it makes you. Set up some house rules. If he does suffer with one or more paraphilia's he's prob not going to stop with out treatment. You should set up a camera in your bedroom. You may need evidence to break the contract w/o buying him out. Don't be afraid to contact the police or consult with an attorney and make sure you know how to defend yourself if necessary. Knowing how to protect yourself or taking precautions does not mean you are attracting anything negative. Its no different than carrying a spare tire or purchasing insurance or taking a driver's ed course or knowing the escape route if there is a fire. When you look for another roommate, you should either research contracts or seek legal advice when writing a new roommate agreement up. You said you were stressed when he came into your life. Make sure you're in a better frame of mind next time you look for a roommate. Focus on attracting the perfect roommate and get rid of this dude. ETA I don't mean to scare you but with all the new techy gadgets now, he could be watching you w/o you realizing it and even worse, filming it. You need to check your bathroom and bedroom for cameras. As for exhibitionism, I could be wrong. He may have stripped naked as a seduction tactic which makes him more dangerous. It's also possible he didn't realize you would see him or care if you did. Most men are not as modest as women are. I could also be wrong about everything. Listen to your inner voice and more importantly, to how you feel. I already did contact the police (email). Didn't get a reply. I am not very "techy" and I don't know how to set up a camera. I would need someone to help with that. I also don't know how to check for any cameras he may have planted, which I assume would be hidden. Legally I can't just throw him out, unfortunately. A master tenant has to evict a sub-tenant and it takes a while. I am seriously considering going into therapy about this as well as getting legal help, using prayer, LOA...
(28 Nov '16, 00:28)
Delphine
"I also don't know how to check for any cameras he may have planted, which I assume would be hidden." Google it . Depending on the police department, they may check if you ask. You also need to speak to an attorney about the lease.
(28 Nov '16, 00:35)
ele
If you are going to be 'fearful', you may want the police to speak to him and if they won't, think about asking someone else to do it or at least be with you.
(28 Nov '16, 00:37)
ele
On second thought, I think legal counsel would advise you to send him a letter and if you live in a state where it is legal to tape conversations w/o the other party being advised of you doing this, I strongly urge you to do so.
(28 Nov '16, 00:39)
ele
"I am not very "techy" and I don't know how to set up a camera" It's very simple. You can Google that too. Its not that expensive either. If not, put a lock on your bedroom door. I'm glad you emailed the police dept.
(28 Nov '16, 00:43)
ele
"sub tenant" speak to management also. I'm sure you know if you have just cause you can evict him. Yeah, it usually does take time but if you have some evidence of him doing something unlawful you may get him out immediately.
(28 Nov '16, 00:55)
ele
2
The best thing to do usually is clean up your vibration and then let reality re-condense to match your new improved place. However, Abraham, says something like this: if you imagine there is a monster in the bushes, is that a real monster or not? Abraham says, it doesn't matter by that stage just MOVE AWAY.. Get yourself out of this situation in any way you can. But, then you must clean up your vibration, or else this man will be replaced with an identical one, LOA will ensure it.
(28 Nov '16, 05:12)
Yes
That is an excellent comment @Yes. I remember that too. You should turn it into an answer so everyone sees it and can benefit by Abraham's wisdom.
(28 Nov '16, 06:41)
ele
1
I would like to add that when you go to the police and accuse someone of a crime, that's proof- no camera required. It is up to a judge to decide how credible that proof is later- but for now, they investigate.
(28 Nov '16, 17:18)
cmc
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Yes she can. You can accuse anyone of anything but has he committed a crime in the eyes of the law ? Sorry, but feelings aren't evidence & she never said anything to him either. A wifi security cam is about $50 & you can have in your bedroom or get locks. Its easily hooked up to a phone or computer or tablet. BTW, its illegal in the state of CA to tape a convo without both parties consent.
(28 Nov '16, 23:43)
ele
Thanks @cmc, that's helpful. @Yes, I am pretty Abe-savvy and am doing my best to keep my vibe high. As for moving away, if you mean moving out, there really is no place for me to go, in this city. I need this rent controlled apt. As I said, roomie is not here now--he went out of state for what seems an indefinite time--and I can use this period to get into a better-feeling place while he is gone.
(29 Nov '16, 00:11)
Delphine
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I am envisioning him moving out. Thus, no need to install cameras, lock on door etc. I'm using this for one thing: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/2915/manifesting-experiment-1-the-manifesting-box-method-how-to-get-what-you-want-effortlessly
(29 Nov '16, 01:37)
Delphine
@Delphine I don't mean to discount your gut instincts but from reading some of your other answers and comments & knowing a bit about your background, I wonder if its possible that 1 or 2 incidents which you felt were 'odd' didn't skew your view a tad. You started to overthink which activated an old pain body. You became suspicious & starting looking & finding things which validated this fear. The more you thought about it & looked, the more you found. You thought he was nice when you
(29 Nov '16, 11:23)
ele
met him. No worries or bad vibes. I'm sure you checked him out. You didn't get a 'creep' vibe. Are you completely over the abuse? As for the camera - I thought if he really was a perv & entering your room when you weren't home you could captured him on tape with your panties for example & you be rid of him almost immediately or you would find out he never goes into your bedroom. The manifesting box works beautifully if you can FORGET it, so the subject should be closed.
(29 Nov '16, 11:32)
ele
Oh, I am very aware of my pain body being activated. No, I didn't "check him out" when we first met. I think if I had, I probably wouldn't have found anything damning about him. Quite an about-turn you are doing @ele, from your initial advice to assume the worst. I haven't dismissed the camera idea, btw. I do have trouble just forgetting about what I put in the manifesting box. However I am trusting my own processes here, and in the outworkings of it all.
(29 Nov '16, 12:47)
Delphine
"Quite an about-turn" I know & yes, it is. You mentioned paranoia. I don't know. Sometimes people see monsters when there are none there. Based on what you wrote when you asked the Q, I would say my first thoughts are correct but I also looked at it from dif perspective. I trust my instincts & I always advise others to do so too. I don't recall a time when I was wrong unless a thought preceded the feeling & the few times when I ignored them, I regretted it.
(29 Nov '16, 13:22)
ele
This morning I became aware that I need to breathe through this experience, release my fears, breathe in well-being in all aspects. While I was engaging in prolonged deep breathing, I received new insights and solutions. Deep breathing is magical.
(29 Nov '16, 13:23)
Delphine
You also have an unresolved pain body. Look at your first comment under your answer. Either way, you're uncomfortable and it would be best if he left and it would be better to be safe than sorry.
(29 Nov '16, 13:28)
ele
I'd just like to point out that I've had numerous roommates here over the years, and I've never had issues like this before. However, I think it is counterproductive to keep voicing my concerns over and over. I like what Seth advises: "Refuse to worry. Expect that the best, rather than the worst, will happen." I'm working on it, Seth! :)
(29 Nov '16, 13:30)
Delphine
1
I agree @Delphine and one of the reasons I said, the subject should end since you decided to use the manifesting box. If you tend to complain, you'll find more things to complain about. The same thing goes for worry. As you know, there is big difference between knowing and thinking that my 1st thoughts were correct when I read your Q. I'm sure you will find your answer.
(29 Nov '16, 13:55)
ele
1
Thank you @ele. Letting go...letting God... But since you brought it up, twice...remember we all have the pain body. Just because we become conscious, that doesn't mean it goes away. Sometimes it will manifest even more when we are on an accelerated path of growth, spurring us to ever greater awareness. I think this has been a very productive thread, thanks to all for contributing.
(29 Nov '16, 13:57)
Delphine
"pain bodies" - we are both reading New Earth again but for dif reasons. Tolle brings it up a lot. I said I was stopping and I am but if you want to know whether he enters you room or not ~ When he comes back why don't you try putting a small piece of paper or yarn between the door & frame. Make sure its not visible & make sure you know the exact location. If he does notice the paper on the floor he may try to put it back & he won't be able to put it in the exact location.
(29 Nov '16, 14:19)
ele
Problem is the paper or whatever would fall down again when I opened the door! There are a lot of options. http://lifehacks.stackexchange.com/questions/9904/best-way-to-know-if-somebody-has-broken-into-my-room-without-camera
(29 Nov '16, 15:44)
Delphine
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@Delphine - This is what I would do if I were in your shoes right now:
(29 Nov '16, 16:42)
WeRadiateBeauty
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... by showing yourself you can handle the fear that you are fearing. Doing this will afford you enough vibrational breathing room to continue to feel better about this situation using other means, or to "let go and let God," as you mentioned.
(29 Nov '16, 16:47)
WeRadiateBeauty
Thank you @WeRadiateBeauty. I'm not a napping kinda person, but I certainly agree that rest is very important. Yoga is how I relax and release tension in waking hours. Haven't had a chance to try the meditation just yet but I definitely will. Thanks again for the support and your suggestions! I had something of a breakthrough yesterday reading A New Earth. I think I am finally getting it about acceptance and making friends with the present moment.
(30 Nov '16, 19:15)
Delphine
1
@Delphine Glad you are feeling better. I laughed when I read your link. Sorry, I should have said make sure the slip of paper is not too visible. It does work. I tried it. My Grandma and Aunt & Uncle all used to do it when I was young. It also works for closets & drawers too. If you like Chinese food, use a message from a fortune cookie or a an old dollar or 5 dollar bill. Even if they see it on the floor or a drawer, they'll just think you dropped it. I hope he has successful trip
(01 Dec '16, 18:51)
ele
Ok @ele, will keep the paper slip in mind. I guess snooping in people's rooms is a very common thing, if there are so many options out there for setting traps! I have no desire at all to go in HIS room while he's away. I heard from him, he will return next week. I do think he may move away, because he is eager to get a job and hasn't found one here so far. @WeRadiateBeauty, I did check out the video, and am also looking at the guy's website. Good stuff, thanks again.
(01 Dec '16, 19:49)
Delphine
1
@Delphine .... my guess, siblings or other family members. As for my relatives. Very elderly when they did it. I've never had a desire to snoop either. " do think he may move away," it is working out :)
(01 Dec '16, 20:27)
ele
Well I wanted to do an update. The guy moved out today, of his own volition, I didn't ask him to leave. He was/is indeed an exhibitionist. He exposed himself to me in the dark hall one night. He did it in a seductive manner. I just went in my bedroom, did my yoga and went to bed. Yeah, I was freaked out and in shock, but I slept fine.
(13 Feb '17, 20:24)
Delphine
He left on a trip the next day. He emailed me with some business about a package delivery and seemed to be feeling me out. I didn't bring up the incident. Other things happened that convinced me is also a peeper (from my reading, it seems to go along with exhibitionism) and has other issues. I had confronted him once and informed him I was extremely sensitive to any hint of intrusiveness, from my family background (abused by family member). After that I decided I had said my piece.
(13 Feb '17, 20:27)
Delphine
I didn't want an adversarial or confrontative relationship with him and I didn't want to force him out. So I just set out to create the most harmonious and supportive connection that I could, in the circumstances. Seth via Jane Roberts talks about "value fulfillment." One of my avenues for this is transforming relationships in this way, and since my situation calls for a roommate to share costs, and I am the master tenant, I decided to make the best of it and practice on him. :)
(13 Feb '17, 20:31)
Delphine
As well as in any other roommate relationships I may have. Anyway, as I continued to put out high vibes and actions with him, he behaved himself. I am quite sure he never went in my room again. I do think he was always trying to peep on me, but I was too aware for that. My sense is he didn't and wouldn't install hidden cameras, he does have certain standards. He's not a jerk. I also sensed he's lacking love in his life. He's young and doesn't have much of a connection with his folks.
(13 Feb '17, 20:36)
Delphine
So I would hug him on occasion. I hugged him today when he left. His reason for leaving is that he wants to be closer to work. He didn't give 30 days notice as we had agreed initially, but I accepted a shorter notice because I felt there was a good chance of finding someone in time. He actually helped with the search. New guy moving in soon, am sure there'll be issues with him also, but I feel pretty well grounded in this "making the best of it" approach. One size fits all roomies :)
(13 Feb '17, 20:42)
Delphine
1
Anyway, great learning/growing experience overall!
(13 Feb '17, 20:47)
Delphine
1
Is the reason you won't put in a camera due to thinking you'll attract this ? I have nanny cams in the house & I wish I would have put them in a long time ago.
(19 Feb '17, 19:25)
ele
1
Thanks for the update ! I've been thinking about you and I'm glad everything is working out for you and you have a new roommate! "New guy moving in soon, am sure there'll be issues with him also" Oh no, don't say that ! <teasing. No matter, I'm sure you will handle it just fine if there are any issues : )
(19 Feb '17, 19:31)
ele
1
Speaking of "Easy World", did you ever see this thread posted by @Satori ? http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/61903/do-you-live-in-easy-world
(19 Feb '17, 19:32)
ele
hey ele, thanks for your comments, just now found. So why not put in a camera? I guess I can't be bothered, and again, my sense was that it wasn't necessary.
(26 Feb '17, 03:24)
Delphine
1
Oh yeah, there are already issues with the new guy. Alcohol is part of that. Onward with making the best of it! Yeah, I saw that thread about Easy World, that's where I found out about this concept. Every day I affirm that I am living in Easy World where everything is easy! Yaaaaaayyyy :) Thanks again for your support.
(26 Feb '17, 03:28)
Delphine
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Contemplating this, from Stingray. https://youtu.be/Sv8Hgn-Z91I "What you get is always about you - no exceptions ever. If they were the "nastiest" person on Earth but you weren't a vibrational match to that, you would attract different behavior out of them. If they didn't have the vibrational range within themselves to match up to your improved vibration, they would not enter your reality or would vanish from it if they were already there."
I posted that video in error...wish I could edit.
Yes, I understand what you are saying. Well, he is out of the apartment right now and I don't know when he may return. At least I can use these kinds of approaches to help me get into a better place while he is gone.
To clarify, he went on a trip out of state...
@Delphine
I didn't refresh, so I didn't see your comments. I did delete my comment because I thought it was a tad too harsh or might be interpreted as flip which was not my intention. I covered the important points in my answer. Sorry if it makes it look like you're talking to yourself. It wasn't a private message. I didn't like it and that's why I deleted it. I could put it back up but I don't think its relevant or necessary.
"At least I can use these kinds of approaches to help me get into a better place while he is gone."
True !
Again, if he is a voyeur (peeping tom) they "usually" are harmless. Creepy but harmless.
I'm glad you have a break to get in a better feeling place.
@Delphine My views were a bit skewed by my emotions when I answered your Q last nite. I thought you were making light of the situation. I thought you were looking for a quick magical type answer from SR. I was wrong. I saw your Q right after I got off the phone with someone who called to tell me someone I knew had passed away who was formally from my hometown & needed some info from me. She then told me about her adult son and all the trouble he was in & said if she had know about the family
history of mental health & sexual abuse issues she would have got help help for her son when he was young. She mentioned her childs paternal grandfather who lived in my neighborhood in the country when I was very young. He gave me the creeps but I was too young to understand why. She said she did not know he was sexual predator or that he had sodomized and raped his children & wife repeatedly for yrs or that the great grandfather was the neighborhood peeping tom or even how the grandfather died
or the fact he was committed to the state mental institution a no of times. The peeping tom was harmless but his son wasn't. I found it incredulous being everyone knows everyone's business when you are from a small town & claimed her husband never told her & idolized his father. She said she knew bits & pieces from her folks but never put it "together' in her mind. Then I saw your Q. By the end, all I could think of is I'm judging & convicting someone I don't know with very few facts.