For the past week or so, I've dreamed I was fighting this one person rather violently. He stood absolutely no chance and put up no fight, and I pretty much assaulted him til he passed out, which is usually when I wake up.

In the conscious world, I'm passive aggressive and have a hard time letting anything go. I've never had any problem with him, nor do I have any feelings of anger or resentment that I've swallowed toward him.

Why am I constantly beating my friend up in my dreams?

More info:

I am a female, and this person was at one point a potential love interest, but as time progressed he felt more as a friend than a lover, and I didn't realize this until he ultimately explained that it would never work. We were too close to be together, if that makes sense. He knows more about me than I would ever let anyone know, and I'm comfortable with sharing anything going on that I have a problem with, right down to simple things like someone saying something hurtful and I need someone to vent to. We've had our fair share of disagreements like any friendship, but I would never see myself harming him in anyway.

Normally I don't dream of any specific person, and the fact that not only was he the main subject of my dreams, but I was very violent in them and that raised an alarm. I kind of feel like CalonLan was pretty close, in that due to my passive-aggressive nature, there are situations beyond my control that instead of confronting and then overcoming, I've swallowed so much that I'm afraid to face them, but these situations have absolutely nothing to do with the person I am assaulting, and happened way before his time. (the situations in question are a painful topic, and I wish to not discuss their nature)

I wish I knew why my mind chose him as a target, and I believe the meaning behind this doesn't have to do with him, but more with the inner turmoil I've been neglecting for so long.

asked 29 Mar '12, 03:51

Maxlow77's gravatar image


edited 29 Mar '12, 11:09


The clue of your dream is not your friend, it's your aggressiveness. There are some believes in you which make you behave in this way. And if you do not feel at easy seeing these dreams, it is because who you are right now is trying to tell you that it's not who you want to be. In other words, somewhere in your life you have create resistance which now prevents you from being who you want to be.

(29 Mar '12, 04:24) CalonLan

maybe some jealousy to the friend that is not aggresive. he does not have that duality. and you are caught in it.

(21 Apr '12, 16:23) white tiger
showing 0 of 2 show 2 more comments

Just because you aren't aware of any buried emotions directed at your friend doesn't mean there necessarily are none.

If I were in your position I would spend some time contemplating your relationship with your friend, as well as your relationship with yourself. There are many possible roads this could take you down, far too many to explain without more direction from you.

Because of how you describe yourself and the one-sided nature of your dream I'd suggest starting with envy, because that is one of the most difficult feelings to come to terms with or acknowledge. Perhaps your friend has something that you want, something that you wish you had.

It may help future answerers if you edit your post and include a bit more information about your relationship with your friend. Any details that come to your mind when you think of them are likely to be relevant to the topic at hand, especially first thoughts and impressions when the thought of them is brought to your attention. This uncensored information helps a lot with understanding your situation.


answered 29 Mar '12, 04:19

Snow's gravatar image


@Snow, I still don't see the friend as the clue for finding the cause. Simply because he might believe that this friend would not fight back, whereas he cannot imagine someone else because of uncertainty of a stranger being able to punch back harder. To me his friend is merely a victim of a inner soul-eating issue Maxlow is afraid of facing.

(29 Mar '12, 04:33) CalonLan

@CalonLan: Yes, I grasped that from your other comment, and I understand why you'd think that. It's very possible, hard to say without more information.

For me personally I often encounter more strangers or unidentified 'friendly' figures in my dreams than I do specific people, so in my dreams when a specific 'actor' takes the stage it generally means more than they are just playing a symbolic role in the play.

(29 Mar '12, 04:43) Snow

@CalonLan: [pt 2] Because of the mention of passive-aggressive tendencies I'd believe this dream probably has to do with a specific target, but that's just the impression that I get.

(29 Mar '12, 04:43) Snow

@Snow, hehe, you see exactly that "passive-aggressive" tendencies (especially the passive part) gave me notion his friend is just a victim. As due to his passive nature, his subconscious might tend to imagine someone he knows, whereas active mind doesn't "cling" to known images as it runs free and wild. Also, holding to one specific image or person might be cause of being too uptight. Which migh be caused by inner limitation preventing to losen up. Even if the person desires to do so.

(29 Mar '12, 04:52) CalonLan

You can see what kind of an inner fight that can cause. But that is just one of scenarios.

The bottom line is, one must be utterly honest with himself to find the cause anyway. If not, one will always search for the "next best excuse".

(29 Mar '12, 04:56) CalonLan
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

Something to consider is that everything that happens in your reality is a reflection of you in some way. And that applies to dream realities too.

So when you are being "violent" to another in your dream, what is really happening is that you are being "violent" to yourself but projecting it through the symbol of another. There will be something about what that other person represents to you that causes him to be an appropriate symbolic projection.

I think we do this projecting-onto-others to ourselves so often because it's easier to externalize an experience and examine it from a more detached viewpoint than to tackle the internalized experience directly ourselves.

It's analogous to us always finding it easier to solve other people's problems instead of our own, because of increased emotional detachment from the issues.

So, with your dream, you may wish to examine what is within yourself that might make you feel angry/violent towards yourself.


answered 21 Apr '12, 05:49

Stingray's gravatar image



Likewise, if you feel rejected or abandoned there is an issue going on with self worth here as well. I used to have fighting dreams all the time back 2-3 years ago; things have changed within me, and I can't remember having fighting dreams recently at all for a long time.

Stingray nice point about how solving other peoples issues seem easier with regards to detachment.

(21 Apr '12, 06:26) Nikulas

This is a situation I think you need to journal on. Try to write down all your thoughts of him, then write down all your thoughts of him you where having when you was getting ready to ask him to be your man. This includes your fantasy future together in other words your dreams of a life together you had from then. Write down everything you thought of him when he turned you down and said you two are too close to be a couple.

While you are writing down all of these things from past hopes to everything you now experience notice if you might experience any emotions towards him. All of this is directed at him in this first exercise your turn is coming, but right now it is all what you think of him.

Let all these thoughts come and write them all down, you may be even surprised at some of your thoughts. You are searching for anything you buried within your brain away so that you did not have to feel the intensity of it at the time. Right now that time is pasted so you can be more objective and not feel what you are examining but just examine your thoughts.

Give yourself time to contemplate on each step and each thought you have.

Now we turn to you, do everything the same go back to the past and examine your thoughts about yourself, what were you thinking about your hopeful future with him? Write down everything you was thinking about yourself. Then the next part when he said no you are too close to be more than friends. What were your thoughts about yourself and your future then? What are your thoughts about yourself when you think of being with him now just as friends?

If any of these bring up emotion write those down as well. This should be done from a non-attached observational contemplative approach like you are an outside observer or scientist taking notes about you and your thoughts. Go step by step from way back in your past when you first thought someday you and him are going to be a couple to now.

Give each period of time a lot of time to contemplate and write as much as you could on each. When you finely feel done with both your thoughts on yourself and on him, try to notice if there is any negative in there but on yourself and on him. If you find some negativity there, now you know what you have to work with so you can get past it and move on to happiness.

We can do a lot for ourselves but if you see a good therapist you can achieve even more.


answered 21 Apr '12, 09:14

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

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Asked: 29 Mar '12, 03:51

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Last updated: 21 Apr '12, 16:23

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