To give a little background on this topic, I am in a relationship with someone long distance. My boyfriend and I rushed into things way too soon and involved our families even before we were sure of our commitment to one another.
However over the next few months, our families anticipated that we would be getting married but we were facing a lot of conflicts (since we both were not up to par with ourselves). This turned my family off from my boyfriend. I realized that my boyfriend was only able to give me what I was myself ready for, and once I explored this belief. I was able to let go of some resistance and our relationship improved dramatically. As it stands today, my boyfriend and I are very content with one another. We realize that there is still some work and catching up to do but we are convinced of each others worth and value for ourselves.
My family however feels that he is not a trustworthy person (some events occurred in my negative phases...that have led them to come to this conclusion). I am very close to my family and love them very much. My dad has very plainly told me that, of course I have free will and am free to do as I please. However, he will not bless and/or support this wedding and will not participate in any way. He says he will continue to love me, as I am his child but my boyfriend is not welcome/part of his life/family.
I realize that my boyfriend and I handled things poorly in the past. My parents asked my boyfriend for some legal documents that he shared with me but was very adamant about not sharing with my parents. His ego would not allow him to share his personal details with my parents (which does not bother me too much).
I strongly believe that even the "flaws" my family sees in my boyfriend can only be part of my existence if I keep paying attention to them. However, when I think of him or am with him, I am able to focus and milk his positives. I genuinely believe we can be very happy together. He has offered and told me that he is always there for me, and if I choose to go and be with him, he will do his best to look after me and support me as he believes we are great for one another too. He does not want to convince/prove this fact to my parents however. He has spoken to them and alerted them of what happened between us.
I have been raised in a reasonably conservative family. Relationships were not openly discussed although my parents did have an open mind and progressive views.
I understand that all will always be well. I can choose status quo and by virtue of my focus can continue to make my life here as good as I want. Or I can choose to go to my boyfriend and start a new chapter in my life with him. I know, and am convinced we are very good for one another. I do not want to let go, but sometimes feel that if I let go then my family here would be much more at peace.
I find myself at a crossroads, and I try to spend as much time as I can accessing/ inside my vortex. I feel comfortable thinking of this topic, but feel that I want to make a decision about this.
I realize no one else can give me the right decision, but how do you approach this sort of decision? If I follow my heart, then I really want to be with him and just forget about everything else. But then I do want my parents happiness and inclusion in my life. (eventually, I do see this happening.) But I want to be with him right now. I know the only thing that keeps me from him is taking action from my side.
You should go after what makes you happy. If you feel this will all work out just fine, and you can still be with him, do not worry about what things are like at the moment.
My mother is very protective and caring for me and my siblings, but she doesn't understand that we aren't here to please her. I will always love her but I have held my ground this time around and told her she cannot tell me what to do with my life... I have my own life to attend to. Most parents are like this, they feel they need to protect, protect, protect and that they will decide when you're "ready" for your own choices. You are ready now.
She asked me once if I would see her differently if she ever kissed a woman. My respsonse was "Why would I?" Because, it's not wrong. It's a choice. I would never judge her or look at her differently for something like that. That is her choice to make, and she should do what makes her happy. And I love her, for her, not her actions.
My sister fell in love for the first time recently. She told me she loved him but felt like he was going to hurt her. After talking awhile I told her maybe it would be best to try looking for someone new. She then asked if I would look down on her if she still talked to him... no way. I would never look down on her for anything, no matter how big of a "mistake" anyone else wants to call it.
I believe that we aren't here to follow others and make them happy, or try and live up to someone else's standards. I believe our responsibility is to make ourselves happy and follow our own standards.
If this person is someone you want, and you feel good about, you should spend time with him and enjoy yourself. Your parents do love you, so I'm sure they will accept it, even if it takes awhile. The important thing is... this is your life, not theirs. Look at the pros and cons for you and him, don't consider "it would make my parents happy if..." Do what makes you happy.
answered 01 May '12, 14:33
Follow your heart with this man. Your parents will come to accept him when they see your joy.
Be more careful how you discuss negative details of a relationship, and only discuss with people who really love you. Be open about the positive. Parents can have a hard time forgiving and forgetting someone who hurt their little girl.
answered 03 May '12, 07:52
I agree with DollarBill. I think the odds are that your family will come around in time, especially once you make a firm decision. Because you are somewhat on the fence, they will still try to sway you. Once the decision is made, things will get easier, and especially so after some time passes.
A helpful aid in decision-making is this: Go to your meditative level and envison clearly each possible outcome. Be as clear as possible. Feel the emotions with each. You could, for example, mentally walk down a hallway and as you open each door, the outcome will be there for you to experience. But that is just one way to do this exercise. Pay attention to your emotions, and which outcome was the best for you, and best fits the future that you plan to have.
answered 05 May '12, 08:42
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