Through caring atleast enough about how I feel, I have managed to boil down the problem I need some guidance and help with to this one statement-
I have a low grade, ever constant buzzing going on in my body, that keeps expecting negative outcomes/comments/opinions/judgements from my husband.
I can very clearly separate this feeling from everything else. I keep reinforcing this outcome by observing and feeling the same way over and over.
My husband tends to react dramatically at almost everything, and I have always been swept away by his outbursts and found it hard to not react. Usually my reaction involves intense anger which I bottle up, then fear that he is thinking negatively about me, and the desire to put things "right" right away and moving on from the problem.
I very clearly see that in letting go of my reactions, lies the solution. But I am a little stuck, I am staying good humored through this exercise. But I think its very annoying and keeping me from living the life I believe I am very deserving and capable of.
Please share your guidance with me, how can I let go of caring so much about what he thinks of me, and my choices as an individual, wife and mother.
Thank you so much, Shakun
asked 08 Feb '16, 14:39
"I can very clearly separate this feeling from everything else. I keep reinforcing this outcome by observing and feeling the same way over and over."
This is one of the hardest things to cope with on important subjects in our life. LOA will keep bringing you what you have active and we tend, as humans, to keep active what we SEE.
On a more positive note, I have taken a relationship that was at the bottom of the EGS to the top of the scale but it is a long process and does take a commitment to imagine rather than observe.
There is nothing that your husband is doing that is creating your fear and anger. All that is happening is when you are focusing on him you are triggering thoughts that your inner being disagrees with, and you feel that separation from your IB as negative emotion.
Your IB sees your husband as perfect in every single way, no flaws or faults. He is a Being made in love and is love and if you don't see that when you look at him you are effectively disagreeing with your IB. Your IB and physical You then separate whilst you think the negative thoughts because your IB won't join you in those negative thoughts. So You feel that loss of your IB & Source as negative emotion. And, of course, because you are feeling the negative emotion whilst observing your husband you attribute your negative feelings to him, but it's never about anyone else. It's always about what YOU are thinking about and whether your IB agrees with your thought or not.
Life is a conversation between you and your IB. As subjects pop up in your life you observe and think a thought. If you think a positive thought your IB says "Yes, I agree let's feel good in this moment together". If you think a negative thought, your IB says "I don't agree with that I'm going over here for a minute away from you" as soon as your IB moves away from you you feel negative emotion.
It's a long road to take practiced thoughts at the bottom of the scale to the top of the scale. It will happen in shifts and you can monitor your progress by starting a focus block and climbing the scale day by day. @Stingray has many posts and videos on focus blocks and how they work, so take a look at those.
In a nutshell, you are going to have to learn to think love-based thoughts when you observe your husband. To try to conjure the love thought-feeling that you're aiming for in your relationships, it helps to look at a kitten or a baby and see how your love-based , positive thoughts about them trigger the happy feeling that floods your body. That feeling is YOU agreeing with your IB, thinking the same thoughts at the same time, you are united and whole in that moment.
EDIT Babies, kittens etc. make it easy for you to observe and think positive thoughts.**
The aim of life is to try to agree with your IB/Source on as many subjects as you can and then you will feel the feeling you get looking at a baby all day every day, whatever is in front of you.
Start a focus block, don't beat yourself up when you fall down the EGS as you try to move up on this subject. If you need an example of this being possible in order to believe in it I can tell you that I have moved a relationship from the bottom to the top of the EGS, and the relationship is loving and wonderful!
Begin your 'work' today, which is imagining your perfect, loving, wonderful-in-every-way husband. As soon as that feeling is dominant in you, your husband will have no choice but to act in a loving way back to you, as you can only ever attract from someone what YOU are thinking/vibrating.
Good luck! :)
I think what's keeping you stuck is your belief that you should not be angry when something happens that naturally triggers your anger. I'm like a slightly broken record on IQ on this teacher, but I've found Melody Fletcher very practical and very helpful in working through similar issues myself.
IMO, huge numbers of women in particular are socialized to drastically suppress their anger - the problem here is that anger is the emotion that gets you out of powerlessness and starts your trip back to empoweredness. So if we punish ourselves for feeling flares of anger when someone is mean to us (when, IMO, it's totally reasonable to feel annoyed!) we keep ourselves stuck in what Melody calls the "cycle of doom": something that happens that gets you mad, you briefly feel anger, you then start suppressing it ("I should be nice") or explaining the other person's behavior away, and you sink back into powerlessness.
If you think of it this way, the anger isn't a problem. Even your husband's behavior is not "a problem", it's just something you don't like that triggers your natural anger. On the other side of that anger is FREEDOM and change. But you have to be willing to actually experience the anger to get through it, is my experience. This is hard for people, particularly women, to do. But you can learn to do it, and when you do, it opens things up for you. You start to feel feisty. You stop expecting that it's okay for people to step on you and blow past your boundaries. You remember that you are a good person who is perfectly entitled to have standards for how you're treated, and having standards for how you're treated is one step on the path to self-empowerment. You start to respect yourself, and that vibration draws respectful behavior from others.
Now the thing is, you don't have to get angry AT your husband. Who cares. Totally pointless. The thing to do, I think (from personal experience) is to wait until you're alone, get a piece of paper, and let your anger rip. Afterward you can burn or shred the paper, you never have to talk to him about it. But that feeling of being allowed to feel angry at people treating you poorly will stay with you and start to shift things.
Here's some links from Melody Fletcher's blog/youtube channel on this:
She teaches - and I am finally coming to see just how true this is - that anger is a really misunderstood emotion. I personally think this is really important to hear for many women, who've learned to absorb all the negativity around them. How many wives have learned to adopt a cringing attitude when their husband is stomping around angrily? It doesn't mean that the husband is wrong for his own feelings, but suppressing your natural response leads to bad vibes for you, you know?
answered 08 Feb '16, 21:20
Although not an expert in Byron Katie, I urge you to look at her work. She helps people come to peace with what is, with reality.
I think many of us in your situation would say "My husband shouldn't be reacting so dramatically and his behavoir is causing the buzzing in my head." You seem to know that only you can change in this situation but for the sake of argument you could try filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet ( http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf) and go through the process of getting to peace.
There are lots of youtube videos of her also. Here's one where the husband is critical. If it doesn't help, search for Byron Katie relationship work:
Wishing you the best,
answered 08 Feb '16, 16:32
your husband is human and so are you. he got outburst of anger and you said that you have some anger also. he is not perfect and you are not perfect either. it could be some bad experience in this world that is not perfect also. you see no one is perfect in this world and this world sell you dream as you see on tv and in women magazine the perfect man, the perfect life, the perfect house, the perfect car etc.. it is also the same for men but men are a little more logical and less emotional in general and have lower expectation then the so call perfect world(dream world sell to the mass). the truth is that every one makes error and no one is perfect and every one should work on them self and have mercy for other at the place of always getting angry because they make error. Why because you will probably make the same error or other error even more worse as you do to other, they will also do to you. so at the place of getting angry and judging other. get to know your self, then get to know other. judge not and you shall not be judge. have mercy on other as you would like to have mercy your self. you are angry take some air remove your self from the thing or person that irritate you. take time to make the correct decision about the situation at hand and make the proper decision. you have free will and are responsible of it. as for fear and negative expectation. there is nothing to fear. people fear lots of stuff but it will happen any way. example people fear to die. well every one in this world will die one day the physical body is not made to last for ever. fear is ignorance people fear what they don't know or do not want to know. fear is also sign that there is a danger and to be careful. so people are afraid of the element water, fire: because they do not know about it and are in ignorance. lets take fire for example it can keep you worm or cook your food, it can also burn you. the question is will you always run from the fire being afraid in ignorance or will you learn more about the fire so it does not scare you as much? also some people like to scare people to get what they want. those look scary and act bad but in fact they are playing with people fear to get what they want. do not fall to that and scare your self for nothing. know your self then know other then you will know why they do what they do. you will doing so move from fear and ignorance to understanding and knowledge.
Let there be light, Be the light that you can be, Experience and enjoy.
Ho'oponopono works. You don't know Ho'oponopono? You might start here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/focus-forgiveness/201105/the-hawaiian-secret-forgiveness
Some possible statements for you to choose from:
Say silently or out loud, LIGHTSWITCH~FLYPAPER~I LOVE YOU~THANK YOU during an interaction or afterwards.
Saying God bless you~I love you silently over and over during or after a conflict with another cleans what is causing it, and miracles can happen.
I am sorry, please forgive me for whatever is going on within me that I am experiencing as pain, problems and resentment in this relationship.
Divinity, please clean and erase, the memories and data in me that I am experiencing as suffering and resentment and problems in this relationship. Please cleanse to zero all the memories that are now playing within me causing any stress and negativity.
I am sorry, please forgive me for any times I am not seeing this person as the Divine sees them, as perfect.
I wish to release any divisive thoughts about this person so I am at peace, at zero, returned to my true self.
What's going on in me that's causing this person to bug me? I am sorry, please forgive me for whatever is going on in me that I am being bugged.
I am sorry for the erroneous thoughts in me that have caused the problem between us, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.
Peace begins with me.
If you are seeing this message then the Inward Quest system has noticed that your web browser is behaving in an unusual way and is now blocking your active participation in this site for security reasons. As a result, among other things, you may find that you are unable to answer any questions or leave any comments. Unusual browser behavior is often caused by add-ons (ad-blocking, privacy etc) that interfere with the operation of our website. If you have installed these kinds of add-ons, we suggest you disable them for this website