Hello world.

I'll do my best to explain my issue.

I think that in the order for you to experience some sort of behaviors from other people and happenings in your life, you need to have a matching personality to this. I had abusive parents, and this influenced me in having low self esteem.

I also always knew that they are abusive and it's wrong.The problem is that I know this, but I still don't feel the "wrong", I still see myself wrong for not loving them because of this. I know they see that they are right and done nothing wrong (they have told me so), and that I'm overreacting.

I think at some point to not feel so bad about them, I started to feel bad about me. Maybe it was easier to accept, if you think it's "normal".I can't seem to find my way out of it.

I did my best to accept them, but I can't. For me to feel better about me, I need to feel they were wrong. This all influencing me with other people also. How can something wrong not feel wrong? How to get out of this?

Thank you.

EDIT : I wanted to add this to tell everyone I really appreciate the support and advises. Helped me to see something else, than just be stuck in my own head. This means a lot to me! Thank you again.

asked 26 Aug, 04:20

Bean's gravatar image


edited 27 Aug, 06:22


Hi @Bean, how to change me? the very first step is give really close and thoughtful attention to how I feel then perceive and acknowledge the messages from my sensations by feeling them without censor or judgement of any kind ...

(27 Aug, 02:45) jaz

and as a personal choice to help me along the way I often use a vibrational template that functions along the same lines as feng shui

(27 Aug, 02:50) jaz

Could you explain to me a bit about this vibrational template?

(27 Aug, 06:17) Bean

We live in an ocean of constantly interactiong vibrations and experience teaches that by altering our habitual surroundings we can induce changes into our lives, just as by altering a river bed the flow of water changes direction. A vibrational template is a 2D personalized drawing that acts in exactly the same way

(28 Aug, 00:55) jaz
showing 0 of 5 show 5 more comments

Simple first start from the inside going out. it is very easy to find bad stuff outside, it is more hard to find good stuff out side. Who ever said that some one needed to be wrong in the first place? Look at it this way every one makes error no one is perfect and every one try to make the best that they can with what they have and the kind of place they live in. Lets say you want to see your parent being wrong for what ever reason. once you are a parent maybe your kid will do the same that you are doing so should he also see you as wrong because he does not want to see him self as wrong? the truth is your parent can be wrong about things you also can be wrong about things. at the place of obsessing on what is wrong, why not find what is right. and do what is right at the place of doing what is wrong. if something is wrong it is in error and need to be corrected to be made right again. but you know people do not want to be told they are wrong or do mistake they obsess with this and do not want to see it.

so first clean the inside of the cup so that the inside can be clean. as long as one put dirty water from dirty cup in other cup you still have cup with dirt in it and nothing changes. You can clean the outside as much as you like to make it appear clean from the outside but you would probably not like that taste if you drink that water.

When you become a parent do better then them for your self first and if they can see it they will know that you are doing something they did better then them they might learn something and change their ways with out you having to interact with them in any way. if they do not want to see it or are blind and do not see why waste your time and torture your self?

Do you not know there is no worse blind then someone that does not want to see?

Do you think it is good to hate with out a reason?

or do you think there is a good reason to hate?

to the measure you judge, also will you be judge.

Use the time imparted to you Wisely. And get out of that down spiral, that is turning in a vicious circle, that cause darkness in a men heart and is spill on is neighbor that do the same.

Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.


answered 26 Aug, 07:44

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

I was thinking a lot about what you said here and you are right. It's not them , it's me. I don't want to continue like that either. I just have no idea how to clean inside. How to change me. And thank you for helping me to see this differently. It's been hard for me with no support.

(26 Aug, 14:18) Bean

are you still stuck in the judgement blaming game it is not me it is them, it is not them it is me? in your case it might be the thing that will pop up first as you meditate. know this every one do wrong and also good. People are learning they are in duality. they often go in extremes or do not do what is good because of fear and ignorance also sometime because of self praise to not appear to be wrong or doing something wrong. you need to accept in truth everything.-

(26 Aug, 19:42) white tiger

only once this is done and you have the understanding and knowledge can you start to make the right change. for this you might need to meditate for 40 days or more. just meditating and doing this inside work one step at a time not going in extremes will change your inner state and remove some darkness. you ask why not go in extremes because it does not serve you. you will fall back at the same place, on the complete opposite of where you want to go.-

(26 Aug, 19:47) white tiger

if you want a physical visual figure of this. make a choice of what side you will turn(left or right) start walking and always turn only on the same side. you will soon find out that you are turning in circle never getting any where. to get somewhere you need to follow a straight path and retain your choice of moving left, right , below, above. when you need to make those choice to follow the path.

(26 Aug, 19:54) white tiger

Yes, I'm stuck in this judgement blame. I think it's this guilt that makes me do it. Or it might be the fear of being a bad person underneath it all. You have described me for the past few years perfectly when you said about "going in circles". This is what happened to me, and this is why I understood that I can't do it myself and I need to seek support/advice from other people. This is what I'm doing now.

(27 Aug, 05:54) Bean

I just want to make it more clear to me about the meditation. You mean, I need to make a decision where I want to go and keep my focus on it only?

(27 Aug, 05:55) Bean

if you are a bad person because you made mistake, why not repent and correct your error? you are the only one that can make that choice. this is also the same for every one else that you see on the outside. to meditate find your self a place of solitude (desert) sit there and wait, that is the first step. the second step will be to fix a spot in front of you that is not there. and with patience wait for as long as it takes, staying aware and focus. http://biblehub.com/psalms/27-14.htm

(27 Aug, 20:10) white tiger

step 3 should come next every thing reflecting on your water will show up. storm, darkness, every thing that troubles you in your house, church, kingdom. this is where you need to be at peace be still observe and understand to get knowledge and understanding. once something is solved in truth for you it will not show up again or reflect on your water you will also find out how those things relate on mind and heart level. doing that inside work can take more then 40 days. will you overcome?

(27 Aug, 20:18) white tiger

That's the thing, I feel guilty without being guilty.

I want to overcome it.

(28 Aug, 02:10) Bean

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. know thyself. those water belong to you, it is time for you to walk on your own water man of little faith. time for you to solve your own puzzle to get a perfect image on the reflection of the water. http://biblehub.com/genesis/1-2.htm there is light in a person of the light and it shines on the whole world if not it is dark.

(28 Aug, 20:05) white tiger

maybe you feel guilty because you are guilty of something. no one in this world is perfect and every one makes error first forgive your self and then forgive other. and if you made error and are guilty of something fix the error repent.

(18 Sep, 08:01) white tiger
showing 2 of 11 show 9 more comments

I think our first step down the path of pain is always the judgment that something should be different from what it is. So White Tiger and Triaa have given you good advice.

I find it very useful in situations where something appears to be "wrong" is to search for a different story I can tell myself about the situation where the "wrong" thing can be seen as maybe sort of ok - like acknowledging that your parents were doing the best they could in their sleepwalking state, or recognizing that you, on some level, chose to have the experience of abuse. This can help you step out of the pain.

You state that you need to seem them as "wrong." Is this because it helps you acknowledge the pain you suffered and helps you honor your own strength and fortitude for having survived through difficulty? If so, go ahead and acknowledge and honor yourself as fully as you can, and more and more over time, without telling the story of their "wrongness." In our society we tend to pour honor onto those who suffer greatly, but you can begin to honor yourself simply, without having to suffer to feel worthy of profound respect and honor. You are already worthy of the deepest regard, respect, acknowledgement and honor.

Cleaning your cup on the inside, as White Tiger suggests, is all about taking responsibility for your part in creating an abusive situation (not blaming yourself, but acknowledging the possibility that you might have chosen it - for a lesson? for a particular ability to grow? for a specific experience of life???), then forgiving yourself for the judgments and mis-perceptions you have held. As Triaa suggests, this is deep shadow work and takes some time - but you know that you can do it because you are asking the question!

Best to you in your unfolding...


answered 26 Aug, 17:47

imaginesue's gravatar image


I understand your question. If you look at life, and the reasons we come to experience it, one of the things that becomes evident is that no one ever chooses an easy family existence. That is meant in no way to lessen what you have experienced. I have no way of feeling your pain, it is meant as a universal statement. If our family life was easy there would be no growth. I don't know if you have seen the quote, "Life is like a photograph, it takes a lot of negatives to develop." Very few of us escape childhood without some kind of scarring, misunderstanding etc. What White Tiger said is very true, people usually do the best with what they have.

Your interpretation is what you have to work with. You can never change someone else's view of a situation, especially one as emotionally charged as this one. To forgive them is something you would need to do for yourself...not for them. This is by no means easy. It is deep shadow work. But you can do it, you wouldn't have chosen to come into that situation if you couldn't. And the freedom you will feel in your soul to release it, will be worth the work. I feel for you, I wish there was more I could do, be strong, trust yourself.


answered 26 Aug, 15:01

Triaa's gravatar image


I know what you mean. Here's my idea for you: STOP RESISTING YOUR INSTINCT. You feel that people who've done you wrong are wrong. That's where you're vibrating right now. What you want to do, in my opinion, is feel that feeling until you're done needing to vibrate in that place. But try to hold it loosely. Like don't get into the thing where you define your whole life around it. But do allow yourself to feel the emotions and have the thoughts you're currently having. Don't beat yourself up for being where you are, but stay flexible, be prepared for other emotions and thoughts to come up.

I have found that a lot of LOA teachings sort of imply to people that they shouldn't feel however they feel, they should leap ahead to where the wrong thing feels right. But as Abraham says - you can't get there from here! Someone I've found really helpful is Melody Fletcher (google Deliberate Receiving for her blog and teachings) - she teaches this explicitly, that the way to feel better is really to let yourself feel what you're already feeling, to stop resisting it as wrong.

I think what often happens, if you let the emotions you're feeling do their work, i that you'll get pulled from grief into anger ("My parents are terrible people and did terrible things!") and if you don't resist that anger (which can be very scary, but you don't need to/probably shouldn't express it to the people you're mad at. You just need to be willing to experience the fury) it will naturally lead you into higher vibrations. And eventually, you'll find yourself in a place where the emotions you've been through have done their work and you might think very "zoomed-out" things about your early years, like "My childhood lit a fire for improvement in me and I am grateful for it". You might never have a point where you look directly at bad events that happened to you and feel great about them. But you might well get to a point where you don't think about those events or you focus on other parts of your childhood or something like that.


answered 26 Aug, 20:33

corduroypower's gravatar image


Yes, exactly. I've had always good instincts/intuition. I just always knew what is right/wrong way to treat another. I think me and my parents are very bad personality match. This is why I reacted to negatively, because I never understood how people can hurt another so much and then act like it's normal and acceptable.

(27 Aug, 06:14) Bean

When you start "sitting" with the feeling, does the feeling go away? Do I need to bring that up for me and intentionally change the feeling at some point? Or I just let it come when it comes and change when it changes?

(27 Aug, 06:15) Bean

Yes! This is great advice. And Melody Fletcher is brilliant and very worth reading.

(2 days ago) Antheia
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

I would put money on it that your parents were abused, and they did to you what they themselves learned to do to children. This is SO sad. Just as you deserve compassion, so do they. That doesn't mean you ever have to see them again. You don't. It does mean that you need to be compassionate to yourself for yourself. Understand that the damage done to you is not permanent. It just looks that way from the outside.

Find something that you enjoy doing, and perfect it. In this way you begin to grow self-esteem while having a great deal of fun. I promise you, if you walk the way of inner growth, the rewards are there, and you will be able to look back on your life with an appreciation that all you went through led you to your awakening.

I would also note that 99.9999% of western civilization have been mentally and emotionally abused, and that part is more difficult to see because there are no bruises. The world is awakening now to what we have been doing to ourselves and others. When you awaken, you will see a very different world than you now perceive, and it's so beautiful to find your purpose and your perfection


answered 29 Aug, 06:44

Gail's gravatar image


Wow - well first, thank you for being courageous enough to share your story.

Let me try to help.

You're judging yourself as wrong for not "feeling" that your parents were wrong!

Now, you know logically that they were, (you said so), and you know that you need to deal with your self esteem issues in order to have a better quality of life, right?

In the end, all that's going to matter is that you have a better quality of life, isn't it? And "feeling" your parents were wrong, right or anything else won't give you that.

What will give you that is to learn to love yourself. You may, or may not, come to forgive your parents, but whatever happens between you and them now or in the future, they can't stop you from loving yourself.

The question becomes: How do you do that?

And the answer is to start from where you are. Begin by acknowledging yourself for your courage to share your story. Just acknowledgement will do. Every day, find things to acknowledge yourself for.

It might be that you make great coffee. Or that someone appreciates the way you laugh. Or that you have good taste in T-shirts. It doesn't have to be gigantic stuff. It's just a state of mind to get into ... keep noticing that you're okay ... you're doing better than okay in many areas of life ... and you've survived some stuff that some people couldn't imagine ... and you're hangin' in there!

Your perception of your parents - as well as life and everything in it - will change of its own accord over time! Let it be ... and be all you can be. Which will be more and more each day.

I hope that helps.



answered 17 Sep, 08:54

Wizardofwisdom's gravatar image


@Wizardofwisdom - very lovely answer :)

(6 days ago) spacemetalfantasy

though unpopular, you are
here for a reason and things
happen for a reason

that someone has a knot that
has them act in a selfish way
does not make them all bad nor
the one they abused

perhaps let it go, that they
cannot see truth and that you
are as worthy of existence
as anyone who lives now


answered 27 Aug, 11:35

fred's gravatar image


What does it mean, the old/new age saying, "It's all good"?

From the perspective of the soul, there is zero judgment. It's all experience that contributes to growth and expansion. Most of us learn the most from challenges.

But the truth is, nothing is "wrong." There is only the belief that something is wrong. And our spirit or soul always has our back.

That said, it is certainly OK to feel and express your pain. In fact, essential, if you want to move through it.

Do consider that we choose our parents prior to incarnating, according to Seth. I too experienced abuse from my parents, yet I can see how and why I chose them and they me.


answered 27 Aug, 17:57

Delphine's gravatar image


I don't really try to find "wrong" to find who's fault it is. It more of the question about do I deserve this kind of treatment or not. It's more about protecting myself. Is not feeling that bad behavior from others is justified for whatever reasons. Is that make sense?

(28 Aug, 02:16) Bean

Again, you are entitled to all of your feelings. Do consider that "bad behavior from others" is reflecting something in you. Law of Attraction. It may sound like something of an emotional juggling act to honor your feelings while holding that awareness, but it can be done (I speak from experience).

(28 Aug, 14:41) Delphine
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