Well... I know people might find this question a bit different than others, but I really cannot think of any other place to ask this question.
I have been thinking on this since morning and I have to ask this now. I really love and respect my parents. It really hurts me when they think something about me that is not right and doubt my actions and my future.
I know it should not matter what others think, but this has mattered and really hurt me. I had a particular conversation and I was shocked looking at the responses of my parents and their perception. I do not at all feel like going back or talking to them again. I did not react ofcourse at that time because I was not able to.
Is there anyway I can forget this or overcome this feeling? I do not want to live with it for long time.
asked 30 Apr '12, 02:11
There's a place out of your reality, where nothing and nobody matters. That is, not even you. If you go there, nothing and nobody will be able to hurt you. Because opinions, perceptions and such can hurt only within reality that contains them.
And nothing really matters, but feel free to choose what should matter to you. And understand, that it is your own decision and if what you have chosen turns out to not fit you well or should it even cause you a heartache, then choose to let go of it and pick something else to matter to you instead. It is that simple.
So the question back at you would be - why are you choosing perceptions of your parents to matter to you ?
Furthermore, whenever something hurts you, it's because you diminish your importance in relation to it for whatever reason. It's a game of judgements and measurements that is causing emotional suffering.
Once you are aware of what your reality is created of, it's a matter of decision to adjust it to your own liking. Sadly in my eyes, all that some people got is only their own reality. And they stick to it as a glue. And I know that within our reality the world seem to try to prove to us that our value is less than the value of those around us. If that's your case, be free to turn it other way around and find ways to support the perception of your reality where you matter the most until you naturally believe it.
And well, that is the cause of your hurt. Specifically, you love them too much. Much more than you love yourself.
answered 30 Apr '12, 02:57
It really can hurt when we want the approval of people who really matter to us, and we do not get it. Parents and children can hurt us much more deeply than just about anyone. I heard a saying once: Your parents can really push your buttons, because they installed them! Yep, nobody can get under our skin like our Moms and Dads. Kids come close, but it seems to me that (at least in my case) my kids expect me to be perfect, and I am not. So they get hurt if I am not "there" for them when they want me to be.
CalonLan really covered the psychology of this really well, so I will not repeat that here. I can only share my experience, strength, and hope with you. My experience is that I have found that I am not going to get 100% approval from anyone. People are not perfect. We are all imperfect to a degree.
I once tried to talk with my Dad about our relationship. I wanted him to understand that we were too close emotionally, and that closeness messed with my head. Dad went home to my Mom, and told her that I accused him of raping me in front of "his grandchildren". This was patently untrue. My mother called me on the phone, and said really horrible things to me- I mean really horrible! I did not speak to them for nearly three years, because of my Father's lies and what my Mother said about me. It was a real eye-opener. I did not speak to them for three years. What brought about reconciliation is that my father developed some aneurysms in his aorta, and nearly died from the three surgeries that they had to perform. I told my Mom that I was going to set aside everything, and come to support her. His brush with death helped me to see what a waste of those three years was. My feelings got hurt. I was really mad, wanted an apology, but I did not ever get it. My Mom gave me a roll of Santa-printed toilet paper that Christmas, which also hurt, but in the end, looking back, it all seems so petty now. I should have never tried to talk with my father. That is because he was incapable of relating to my position. I misjudged badly his ability to think clearly about his and my relationship.
Dad dropped dead quite suddenly July 27, 2006. He was only 71.
I miss him terribly.
This taught me that time is fleeting, and that we are all "imperfectly perfect." It also taught me that people are going to judge me no matter what, despite the fact that I wish that they saw me better, and understood me better. It is fruitless to try and get that 100% approval from anyone.
What I have tried since is to learn to get my approval from myself. It has been very hard! Nobody is as hard on me as I am. I am one of those people that expects too much of myself all the time. If I get a "B" in a class, I feel like I flunked it. I am learning, though, that it is okay to get a "B" in life.
Try to really understand what CalonLan wrote, as it was good advice. But know that I know how your heart is bleeding inside. This is a good place to vent and you know that we love you here. I feel for you. But do not make the mistake of being so upset that you waste your time being mad at your parents. I found out that that is just a total waste of time. You will not have them forever.
I wish you peace,
answered 30 Apr '12, 06:53
You make the choice to be hurt by someone else or not. See the following excerpt from "Illusions! Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach. You may see an answer. Dialog bewteen Richard (Bach) and Donald Shimoda.
After reading this fully I realized you mean emotionally hurt, not physically hurt.
This reminds me of myself vs my brother. My brother and I respond to emotional harm in two different ways. My brother lets these emotional attacks eat away at him and feels unloved and unwanted. I receive as well emotional attacks all the time but my response is not the same. I don't pay attention to what I don't want to pay attention to and the harm thrown at me seems to miss me and fall short landing on the floor never reaching me actually.
This I believe is some kind of automatic shield of protection I put around me that I learned to create when I was younger. Instead of taking anything to heart that is negative I don't listen to it like it is not worth my time. I come from Italian back ground and there is a saying used not so sparingly it is simply when you don't want to hear anymore you say "Ahhh... You don't know what you're talking about." It is not yelled but more like I'm done with this I am going to do something else.
Because of my respect for my parents I don't say it like it has been said to me but I think it. The moment I think it, it is like any value of harm on me that whatever was being said had is now null and void. How could someone hurt me emotionally if that person doesn't know what he is talking about? I have effectively removed the sting from the words because words that come from another that does not understand are words that have no basis to the situation.
They are words formed against us through faulty logic based on incomplete information and a refusal to work at understanding vs being right, in other words ego vs understanding. Something shot at me from ego is clearly something someone doesn't know what they are talking about, thus it has no value to me. This is why to my Jaianniah she says to me later after dinner something about what my dad said to me and I am confused and have to think hard to remember what she is even talking about, because I don't hold on to what is valueless to me. It is forgotten as soon as I think this is going nowhere, forget about it.
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