This is not a "cry for help" style segment, this is merely asking for your opinion, preferably from a metaphysical view
Excuse the long vent, but I feel all of it should be read to lay a context down. This is also an In The Vortex piece of art, defiantly not outside the vortex while I am writing this.
I feel I have enough respect from the community here, and it's regular users, to go and ask my family about a huge decision to make upon relationships.
Ever since I was about 15, I have wanted a girl; I have wanted true romance. It's been a few years, for me, a long time, and she hasn't arrived yet. I have commited to myself that I will do my best to attract a girl, 'the one', and it is my dream to find a one and only. I feel it is in my best living ethics to be loyal, compassionate, respectful and faithful to my girl, and for all of this time I have told myself that I'd rather remain a virgin for the rest of my life than just shag around with anything I can get.
Very old fashioned thinking, but I feel it's who I am. My ideal reality is I attract a girl, we are instantly developing chermistry with one another and we feel we are each others soulmates. I have no need to find someone else because she is just perfect, and vise versa on her part.
But lately, a breakthrough, bold thought has come into my mind. And that thought is the idea of scraping all of those long held ideas and just throwing them out.
Well, because as far as I'm concerned, I do love myself. I'm unaware if there is a test you can take to see if you love yourself unconditionally, but I feel I am there. I love being me. I love my eccentric characterisitcs and personality. There are things in my life that I am imporiving on, but overall, just because I'm not getting female attention doesn't mean I'm not worthy, doesn't mean I'm unlovable, doesn't mean I am a good person. I feel I am a good person, I feel I am always doing my best to do the correct thing (yes, what feels good)...My soulmate isn't here, for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean I am unworthy of it.
I am continuously falling in love with girls and getting sour, and very cold, rejections...This has happened recently, and instead of wallowing in depression about it, I am starting to think this is nothing more than what Bashar would describe as The Test- to see if the reflection/illusion of your reality really offputs you. Put it simply, I need to be able to get rejected and still feel that I am worthy etc....Still love myself....And I think I am.
Who the hell knows why I don't have love. In the outside world, I will get perhaps 4-5 comments per week about my fun personality, how I am a nice guy, how I am very attractive and very humble/warm. No girlfriend, I am just beyond bloody caring because I just know that I like being who I am. When I get sad, I can seem to instantly pull myself up and out of it, because just because a girl finds me offputting doesn't mean I ain't one heck of a catch, ahem, Richard Gere.
A very profound thought has come to me. Law of Attraction I feel has led me down to watching the film The Graduate- in which a naive young, shy man developes an affair with an experienced older woman. In the experience, he develops confidence and much more clarity about his life.
I'm thinking of doing the same...I have no issue at all attracting hot women years older than me, and I feel that I should go through with it and develop an honest open sex relationship.
Many males attend brothels and prostitues for the reason of pure pleasure. I actually have got much deeper reason for doing so, if I were to: it would be an entire psycological experience that would boost me up. It will be over with. It would give this eternal fire of confidence in me that I can have a romance. All of my heartbreak issues would be instantly gone, and that's not expectation, that's more of a intuitive knowing. All the worry, fussing and depression would just seem pointless. I'd be able to go to work, see my cold love, and just a heightened sense that I am above it all.
And in the meantime, I'd just be waiting for this one and only. I still want her, but I feel if I have an affair in the physical time of waiting, the affair will distract me enough from the lack of a soulmate.
Am I making myself clear?
And when I do attract my soulmate, I'll just tell her, "I wanted a one and only my whole life, and for whatever reason she wasn't showing, I tossed that idea out and thought the world didn't want me to have it. And now, here you are, and here that ideal remains fulfilled"
Smart, stupid, or just plain nonsense. This is a major decision I'm making in my life, I belive I'll feel more empowered having an affair.
The question has been closed for the following reason "User did not make question title specific" by IQ Moderator 31 Dec '13, 01:40
Nickulas this is going to sting a bit but it comes from a good place and it’s only to help. I am going to tell you this as a male animal, advice from a man to a boy. Stern, honest, raw and to the point!!
You sound like a girl! Who likes girls!
It’s not your fault, I’ll explain…..
Up until about the 1980’s men were the head of the household. They took care of their families and protected them, and they didn't take crap. Divorce rates were about 1 out of 100 couples and that was only because the marriage was really bad, not because they were bored. Since the birth of feminism, divorce rates rose to about 50%. The mothers got custody of the children and, only with good intentions for their children, they raised them on the female philosophy, the female perspective, which is fine for young girls but for young boys this removes their manhood! There's no men around to teach them how to be a man! The boys grow up to be “wussie’s,” ”sensitive men,” “girlie men.” Fantastic friends for other women…..but that’s not what turns women on!
“Men” turn women on, not girls inside men’s bodies!
You obviously attract girls into your life but you say you get comments on your “fun personality,” “what a nice guy you are,” “very humble and warm.” Next time you hear comments like that….”leave immediately!” These are number one signs of an uninterested female. Then your mother’s training kick’s in and you start chasing her trying to get her to like you. “Why won’t you give me any attention?” “Why don’t you like me, was it something I did?” “I waited for you to return my call, why didn’t you call me back?”……this is a turn off because its what women say, not men!
Men say they will call...and forget to, or show up 2 hours late because they had other things to do, it drives women crazy and it makes them constantly think about you.
One thing you need to know about women is that they choose you, not the other way around. Sure, they’ll let you think “you did it you big stud, you got me!” When in reality, before you even open your mouth to say hi to her, she already made the decision you were going to be hers, or you were put in the friend category or whatever her intention was. If she’s unsure about you, she will allow you to have a conversation with her so she can see if you’re what she wants. She’ll let you know her answer by either continuing the conversation or going to the ladies room… that’s her escape route.
John Wayne, Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood. Men who just didn’t give a damn about what a woman thought and would never ever put up with her whining and childish games. They have too many important things to deal with. I would lose total respect for Clint if he said “let’s discuss our feelings over a café latte!”
So Nickulas you’re doing ok with the arrival of girls in your life you just need to change your behavior and get them thinking about you and seeing you as boyfriend material. Getting involved with an older woman isn’t going to solve anything. Once again it’s the woman who makes the decision, although you may have triggered her decision with words or your eyes. Besides older women like younger guys just like older guys like younger women, they’re just very discreet about it, and women cheat just as much as men do but, once again, they’re very discreet about it.
Here’s some tips:
Romance Novels: Start reading them! I’m totally serious about this!! Why? This is porn for women. It’s hot steamy sex stories written by women for women and it involves men that turn women on. They describe the guy in detail. What he does, his actions, his behavior (very important), what he says, what he wears, the look on his face, his cologne, etc. The guy women can’t stop thinking about, the guy that drives them crazy. Heck, women are always looking in Playboy to see what men want and what turns us on……so take a look into their world. The truth about it is that “secretly, women want to be “taken” by a man!” not having a man "ask if he can kiss her." It’s just the way it is, women aren’t turned on by a really nice guy who’s warm and cuddly. Sure they might like him and keep him on the potential future list when nothing else works out for them.
Meditation: You are attracting girls into your life but they just end up leaving again, you just need to change it up a bit. Visualize yourself as a man who girls want to have a relationship with, visualize yourself as one of the men in one of these romance novels. Visualize yourself as “A MAN!” That strong powerful feeling.
Finally: Men and women can never be friends. There's always the under lying sexual thing going on with one party or the other or both. Women like for their men to be strong and in control....they won't admit to it but that's the way it is. They want you to go yell at the neighbor for making too much noise, they want you to go see what that bump sound was in the middle of the night, they want you to buy the new car, they want you to make the decisions, they want you to decide what restaurant your going to eat at. See the picture? They want "you" to ask them out or make the first move......even though they already made their decision.
answered 08 Nov '12, 22:38
This definately has become a big issue for you and you obviously have a strong desire for a relationship. Im no relationship expert but heres why I think it might not be manifesting. In your posts this past year or so, you mention numerous times how you want to meet "the one". This relationship has to be "the one and only". You definately put a strong emphasis on this.
There is nothing wrong with this at all, but in your case I think this it might be coming from a place of fear. It tells me you have a strong fear of arguments, breaking up or getting hurt in the relationship. What you want the most you also fear the most. Do you see how these two opposing vibrations might cancel each other out. You've got to lighten up on this subject. This do or die vibration your putting out on finding love will just repel it.
Are you witnessing a troubled relationship in you life? Because you have such a strong desire I have no doubt if you mold these issues you will manifest the relationship you desire at lightning speed. You can do this Nikulas. Good luck buddy:)
As I've said in my comments here, I feel strongly that I was once in a very similar situation as you, both vibrationally and literally. I stand by those comments I made, and in continuation, can offer some additional thoughts.
Let me first zero in on a few things here to simplify the issue(s) at hand:
Okay, you've stated your desire pretty clearly here. And it seems like a very strong desire. So we know that this scenario has manifested in a vibrational reality, and it's just a matter of you clearing all resistance to allow its physical manifestation, or to allow the Universe to "connect" you with this person in a successful manner.
Based on this statement and observation, I think it's pretty clear that the reason "why you don't have love" is a vibrational one. It's not that you are lacking in personality. It's not that you are ugly. It's just vibrational. (It was exactly the same for me, by the way, so believe me when I say I can empathize with your situation.)
I can't claim to be an expert with these concepts yet, but I think it pretty unlikely that these are "tests" in the sense that Bashar means it. The fact that the same outcome is happening over and over again seems to indicate a core dissonance between your own vibration and the vibration of being/having what you want.
...you have your point of departure for Step 1 of ME4. Give it a shot.
Regarding your following idea:
If you feel inspired to do this very thing, then hey, go with the signals you are getting from your higher self and follow down that path. However, as you say
If this is so, then how connected is this to your real "issue"? Will having a love affair with an older woman actually address your core issue?
If it is connected at all, then ME4 will uncover that, which is why I recommend it so highly. It will get to the crux of your issue and allow you to deal with it head on.
Your idea regarding "older women" did remind me of something which I would have suggested on a practical level, but is really a roundabout, physical way of improving a vibrational issue, which is...
Go on as many dates as possible with women you are attracted to, or think you might be attracted to.
Now, this doesn't mean you have to mislead these women, or sleep with them and leave them, etc.. It just means you can go on a date...two friends getting to know each other...in a situation which might lead to something...no big deal...and see where it leads. No expectations. No pressure.
This is especially easy to do today with the plethora of online dating sites available. You get to bypass the whole awkward thing of approaching a stranger in public, or asking out one of your friends. You can connect immediately with other people of the opposite sex who are also looking to meet someone.
As you do this more and more, you will become used to these "romantic" encounters, and you will be able to relax into them more and more. Think of it as being able to reach the neutral point repeatedly. It's like speaking in public to a packed auditorium for the first time. The person who is unused to that comes off as awkward and insecure; he stutters and his voice quakes. He is not "natural." Whereas the seasoned speaker is calm, cool, confident, relaxed...he is able to let his "true self" shine through.
So, after going through all these experiences, when you finally meet the girl that you are head over heels for, you'll be able to relax. No expectations. No pressure. :)
I think you'll find that things will change for you.
Of course, during this whole process, you might find someone that you really like and want to stay with. Maybe they'll end up being "the one."
However, if you don't feel inspired to try what I've just described, then forget it.
If you feel inspired to just start a fling with an older woman, per your original idea...and she wants that too...far be it from me to dissuade you from that path.
I suspect, or speculate, that the reason you are thinking about pursuing this course of action is that you feel it will help you detach or forget about your original desire. Does that feel correct? If that is indeed true, and it is the only or "best" way for you to detach, then perhaps it could be helpful. I really don't know...and would defer to any wiser heads on that question.
The bottom line with any of these is, I think (and as others have said), to follow your higher self. I hope that doesn't seem like empty advice, but it's a question that each of us can only answer for ourselves.
Best of luck, and hope this helps!
EDIT ADDED 11/12/2012
Nikulas, I mentioned your situation to my significant other to get a female perspective, and she zeroed in on the following comment of yours:
She feels that this could not actually be love (and, although there are those who believe in love at first sight, I happen to agree with her).
Therefor, it may be that you are fixating on the individual, instead of fixating on your ideal.
We personally believe that it would take months of being with a person in a relationship, maybe even much longer, to determine if that person is indeed "the one." Perhaps these girls seem so great and wonderful and sweet, that you are prematurely thinking that they are "the one."
My significant other said that if a man were to approach her like that, she would take it as a warning sign, and would reject him. Essentially, it would feel strange and off-putting for a man to express those feelings (or to think he has those feelings) without truly and deeply getting to know her first.
So, I think, here is (possibly) your answer as to why these girls are turning you down, despite your great personality and good looks.
The solution, I believe, is still exactly the same as what I have already suggested, but I thought to add this in case it gives you some additional insight.
I would be a little "harder" on these girls in terms of how they measure up. Even if they seem really, really, really, wonderful, tell yourself before you ask them out, or go out with them, that you are still not sure if they have passed the test, if they are indeed your ideal. Fixate on your ideal, rather than any individual. And give her that same space to figure out if you are the right guy for them.
The general approach, as I indicated in the previous thread, is to simply treat them like a friend rather than as a romantic prospect--at least in the beginning, or at least for the first few dates.
This is not universal advice I would offer to everybody or anybody...some people who are super-relaxed (and you will be there one day, my friend) can go ahead and make the move on the first date, but for you, I think the best approach is just to practice relaxing and reaching the neutral state while in these situations, rather than putting pressure on yourself or on your female friend to "make romance happen." The rest will come in time, trust me, and when that moment arrives you won't need any advice from your friends on Inward Quest.
Nikulas this is exactly what i would recommend but eventually also that you give yourself exactly 365 days from now on to completely forget about women and chill. many years i was in the same situation as you are. the only goal for me in life was: i wanted to find a girlfriend. i was 19 and had no sexual experience at all.
so i bought many books about how to attract women, went to seminars etc. although it was sometimes a horrible experience i was approaching girls in malls (beeing an introvert), in clubs and whenever i would feel the courage to do so. long story short i tried and pushed very very hard. but nothing worked for me the way i wanted for 3 years. i could get a number but then i couldn't push it any further. i could get a kiss but i couldn't get a relationship.
seeing things differently today i can see what my problems were. i had so many limiting beliefs and were always rationalizing to fit them into my belief systems. things like the following i would say to myself: "i don't want her, because i want to find THE ONE girl that is perfect and will change my life.", "wow, she is interested but she is too snooty/shy/whatever". my mind would find all these reasons to not start making real experiences. this is not to offend you nikulas. don't get me wrong. your limiting beliefs could differ completely. i don't know you personally. but what i want to say is there are definetely beliefs that hold you back from your desire to find the one girl that will "change your life".
what i did was very very simple. in the age of 22 i said to myself "ok, i am virgin for so many years now. i think it can't get any worse if i just chill and get other things done in my life. just for now. after a year i can push harder to change my beliefs etc. because obviously this whole approach doesn't work. i will surrender for 365 days!"
i knew almost nothing about the law of attraction and how it worked (heard of it once or twice but thought that it was some stupid new age spiritual woo woo).
what i did metaphysically was i completely let go and focused on other things such as my financial future. so guess what this was the best year for me. my sexual life changed completely. suddenly women would approach me, wanted to date me. in this year i had my first girlfriend for 3 month and 1 sexual encounter after that.
but here is what i think is crucial. having a girlfriend and knowing and feeling how it is to cuddle, have sex, feel loved etc. i now attracted this kind of feelings even more. also many of my beliefs changed automatically. i know there were many beliefs about feeling unworthy deep inside me so all of a sudden they dropped away regarding women.
so your idea to make some kind of sexual experiences is imo a very very good one. i wouldn't recommend going to a prostitute because you will probably not get the crucial feelings that will drop your limiting beliefs about yourself and women. if you wish to date older women and can make it happen, go for it!
but if not i would first higly recommend to surrender and focus on other things for a year. but don't expect things to happen. even if nothing happens it will quite your mind and you can concentrate on feeling good for a whole year :). afterwards you can push even harder and think even more about this whole topic if you wish to :).
answered 08 Nov '12, 04:47
Good answer from Releaser 99. Was abOut to draft my own lengthy tome but read thru the above and decided that was about it.
I can and will only speak from experience, let go, release even give up!
Focus on something else and the ALLOWING mechanism will swing into play.
I would like to bet youve probably done enough meditating, imagining and vibrational work to get you TEN mates!!
Experience. What else can I say, go and get it. Theorizing about stuff leads nowhere and is good for nothing. Except maybe for obtaining a false sense of knowing without really knowing anything at all.
I wish it would turn out for you like this. However, sleeping with ladies in Night Clubs couldn't be further from romance, let alone boosting your confidence in this area. It's a great rush, just like many things you do for the first time and the effect of it will remain for some time. You will feed of it and feel confident for a while, but it wears off at some point. And then you realize that no matter how many times you go there and sleep with the girls, a broken heart is broken heart and will remain broken until LOVE puts it back together. And that it doesn't have to be love from another person.
I had similar issue you are talking about, I went the same way you are thinking about, and the above is merely how it turned out. But regardless of what experience I had, go get your own, you can't go wrong. But you can't go right listening to other people's opinions either.
answered 08 Nov '12, 02:02
Well, I won't talk about the other things because there are already quite a number of good answers above in my opinion, but your last few paragraphs seem to hint to me that you want to have an affair (and do not mind it being with a prostitute or visiting a brothel). Forgive me if I interpreted that wrongly.
If you yearn for a relationship which is not based around sex but rather just a romantic companion, a brothel or prostitute should probably be the last thing on your mind, because it will be completely different from what you have thought it should be. It will just merely be a release of your sexual tension and energy and nothing more, and in worst cases it might even make you feel worse than you originally felt, such as feeling guilty especially more so if you have a religious background which condone these practices.
Or like what CalonLan has said, it might give you a short term or temporary boost, and then you end up being dependent on it for the rest of your life. But then again, there are also quite a number of people out there who visit brothels regularly and yet still manage to have a good romantic relationship with their girlfriends or wives.
answered 09 Nov '12, 11:45
A-H Daily quotes to rescue (again)
and along the lines of Eldavo answer .When we meet people we go though countless fantasies of our lives together.These fantasies create vibrations. See yourself as a provider , a protector , fearless, a dragon slayer.At the same time remain that lovable,caring and tender Nikulas that you have shown here!
answered 10 Nov '12, 03:06