I won't be making other questions but I have to get this off my chest. I don't know if there is any answer anyone can give me that would give me any sense of relief or direction but I'm making the question just for the sake of making it, maybe The Universe will reply some other way.
I remember that I have in the past gone through periods of what I could only describe as a calm euphoria. Periods of certainty, trust, confidence. Periods of just going with the flow and feeling generally good. If what I felt in those periods wasn't "being in the vortex" I don't know what is. My posts here may have given the impression that I'm always complaining or focusing on the negative but that is not the case.
However, I am finding it is getting difficult to feel truly good and pretty much impossible to sustain that feeling. The heart of it lies in my awareness of the past; I remember that I failed and I have come to expect failure. While in the past I could overcome that expectation by deliberately focusing on a positive expectation, by dreaming of a better future, it now feels like my dreams are dead and unreal.
I think the core of this may be the sense that I am now too old, that I am running out of time. The sense that I can just pick myself up and try again is fading. My life did not go as I had hoped; I basically feel like I did not live the last 15 years. When I say I feel old people think that is odd because they see someone still in their twenties but I say that from the perspective of a person that on a mental level, is still around twelve and looking forward to his teens and growing into adulthood.
It feels like someone stole a huge chunk of my life. I'm not saying anyone else is to blame, I know I did it to myself but now I carry this weight of guilt in me for having stolen a child's future, for being both the victim and the perpetrator. When I would go in search of a gun to give up on life what stopped me was thinking of that child as another person, the one person I felt I had victimized and had no right to abandon.
This is actually the only reason I turned to all of this "law of attraction" stuff, because I had to find a way to redeem myself and there was no way in the "natural" world. I didn't get to the law by reading books, watching the secret or anything, I felt it and deduced it intuitively and only some time later (over an year) did I start reading the material. When I talk of the modeling thing or being a playboy or whatever, those are the ways I can see to make up for what I deprived myself of without asking for a Disney movie type miracle. I am just trying to abandon the constant and fruitless struggle I went through in the past, having my mind focused on things that I didn't really care about but thought were important and give that child, myself, the life he deserves, because I love him and he shouldn't have to be stuck with the mess I created.
So what happens is that I feel heartbroken not so much because I failed this or that time but because every year I fail puts me further away from anything I would consider a success. It's not a pain I can just let go of because it constantly renews itself. It's getting hard to see in the future, from where I am, anything worthwhile. Time feels like an enemy, not a friend. Even Neville with all his "there are no limitations" and "all things are possible" takes the fact that we age for granted. He speaks of being restored upon death and my thoughts are that I want nothing in this life anymore and only hope his belief is true and that I can have a fresh start, without loss of identity.
if you want succes be the success. to complain and stay stuck on things of the past does not help you,learn from your error,and make the necessary correction. what is the difference between a looser and a winner? the winner learn from is error get back up make another step and keep on going.if you are looking for things on the outside to change your inside you will wait a long while.and time is against you in this you are telling the truth,because the physical matter decay. that is why you need to make the time work for you by using it the best you can right now.who can add a single hour in is life by worrying? but if you really want to surrender and kill your self you can use that energy to motivate you to each day wait for God doing this will bring you to him eventually.and the one that is truthfull will give you the choice again to stay above or come back here to Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy. you have free will use it. and stop being the darkness and letting this world dictate you and through you down.
so let there be light,Be the light that you can be,experience and enjoy.
answered 22 Jan '13, 23:35
You are only in your 20"s think about me I am approaching my late 40"s! I see young guys like you that own companies and have nice homes etc... I don't have much to show for success myself.
I look back at my life and think man I screwed this life up, I must have blown my mission and I am in my mid 40"s and still don't know what I am here on earth for. Why I bothered to come down to Earth, whatever the reason, I am sure I blew it, so now am just working to survive life until death.
You have 20 some years ahead to get where I am so don't end up like me, you are young, there its still hope for your success yet.
I am happy with my Jaianniah, so that is good.
I was just trying to be helpful showing things could be worse, so be happy.
Unfortunately I choose a venue similar to my fathers approach, "You think you have problems, you think you have pain, you think you're sick?" Then proceeds to point out he has it way worse and I should be thankful for what I have.
When Thomas Edison was interviewed by a young reporter who boldly asked Mr. Edison if he felt like a failure and if he thought he should just give up by now. Perplexed, Edison replied, "Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp." And shortly after that, and over 10,000 attempts, Edison invented the light bulb.
I hope you can use Edison as a tool for Inspiration ♥♥♥
answered 18 Feb '13, 21:27
depprresion is a chance to look at yourself deeply and work out what you need to change, do you drink alcohol, then stop. making excuses and stop. do you take drugs at all, then stop, send love to someone you have fallen out with, go walking among trees, do you smoke, then stop. lie on your back and stare at the clouds in a field among nature. do you drink 2 much coffee, is it making you anxious, then stop, be honest with yourself, be strong with yourself, don't give in to self pity, change something, move some furniture, clean a window, brush your teeth with the other hand, put some seed out for the birds, dance in the dark to your favorite song, offer it all to god, change something, stop something, begin something i say all of this with love and compassion. COME ON fight fight fight because you are a winner my friend, YOU ARE AMAZING.
answered 18 Feb '13, 21:54
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