I have been contemplating this question for a long time, ever since I joined IQ, but may be lacked courage to ask.
I have been on autopilot for most of my life. I got myself so pinched off from the source that I would never feel good about myself and find fault with me regarding everything. I don't remember ever enjoying my successes, if I succeeded at anything, I would think it was a fluke, I do not deserve it.
I do not remember at what point, but maybe in my adolescence I made a decision about myself - that something was very wrong with me, I was broken somehow at my core and that is why my family did not love me. I believed if anyone became my friend or love me, they would eventually find this rotten thing inside me and leave me. And since I could not find anything wrong with me consciously to pinpoint, I still held on to this belief.
Then to justify others decision not to accept me as I was and to love me, I started doing things that were 'wrong'. I have never done anything illegal, but against the societal norms that I come from and also I went against my core beliefs, my moral compass and it served to cause a great pain. I was caught in the catch 22 - I would feel undeserving of anything remotely good happening to me and I would give myself reasons by doing things against my own guidance to reinforce the idea. I kept this private,because a part of me knew that the feeling I had of not being loved was my perception, my family does love me. I even felt guilt about feeling unloved, but did not have tools to deal with it.
All in all I was in vicious circle. Then my partner came into my life and I manifested same thing for myself in this relationship as well. I felt I did not deserve this wonderful person, and slowly they believed it as well. My partner dug up my past and humiliated me in front of our families. I never meant to hurt them any of them, but everyone was deeply hurt. My partner has decided to get separated from me. I am forsaken from the families.
I have no idea how to rise from this, how to get back on feet and turn my life around. I know I have to make peace with where I am, I would like to some help with how to do it.
My problem is I feel extreme despair and sad. I feel so guilty its hard to even breath sometimes. I try moving up the emotional scale, but all the revenge, anger, blame etc is directed towards me. I try to find relief by trying to blame others, but then I feel guilty for even trying to blame anyone. I can not seem to break this. I brought this upon myself and have no clue how to get out of this. I feel ashamed and guilty for hurting and causing pain to all these wonderful people. how could i possibly even want to feel better when i have hurt so many people.
I try to focus on feeling better, finding relief, I succeed sometimes and i fail others. I am unable to break out of it.
on top of this I am currently living with someone who likes to constantly remind me of my wrong doing. I feel bad in even trying to make peace with it and trying not to let them affect me and I hear myself saying, its not their fault, its yours, you brought it upon yourself.
I know I am in negative mode right now, but I do not know how to get out of it, how to try to feel good when the very thought fills you with guilt for wanting to feel good. Its so bad that right at this moment I feel I would never be able to look myself in eyes as I have so violently abused myself. I would never be able to forgive myself for the shame I bring to the family and that I would never be able to have respectable life in my society. Even the idea of any vibrational work paralyses me. I have been meaning to start meditation again and use Stingray's Vibrational Sheet, but each morning I find myself procrastinating and then during the day I am never alone to do anything without being disturbed. I am paralyzed with fear and uncertainty
I want to break free of this, also I wanted to know if it would be possible to reverse the separation, I just love and adore my partner, I want to share my life with this person. I know where I currently stand this is not possible, but is it possible at all? I want it but then i think they would not want me the family would not respect me etc, how to make peace with it, how to release these resistant thoughts?
I get reality creation in the sense I can understand how got where I am, what I need help is with how to turn my boat around? What I really want is to somehow reach the place of some hope, some light in the tunnel. All I want right now is able to accept myself and feel happy, forgive my past and move on.
I know this is a long unhappy rant, I don't know where else to turn to. I have read so many loving answers here for so many different issues. I have found so many great teachers here. I really appreciate everyone here. I just want someday to be able to appreciate my existence as well, have successful relationships and career.
Please help me!
That sounds like a good idea to me, so why don't you just try that. You do know that this power is available for you to use right now don't you? The ability to go down this path comes down to a simple choice. You and you alone hold the key to open this door.
You are a Master Creator and have the abilty to flip your life around just as easy as flipping a light switch on and off. This earthly creation that you see through your eyes everyday is your own individual reality experience that is shared with a co-creation of other individual experiences. So don't let the negative ego thoughts that you are some small weak and meager being fool you because that is extremely far from the truth. I can confidently say this because I had my fair share of "dark times" and turned them around faster than I ever believed possible.
Now lets go a little more into this word believe or belief. The true understanding of this word will open up a whole new perspective for you. It just comes down to trusting what you believe in and leaving other people out of the picture. All those other people "out there" are in your individual consciousness and just reflections of your inner beliefs and emotions. You pull all the strings in this puppet show we call earth.
The key to all of this is that you are conscious of the choices that you don't prefer anymore. There are people in this time space reality that are truly on autopilot and have no idea how very powerful they really are. You are not one of those people. You understand that you create your reality and that is the biggest step you need to take. Now it comes down to choosing the beliefs and definitions that you prefer.
It is time to let this belief go if that is your preference. It really isn't as hard as you think if you understand that you create your reality. Choose the positive definitions that you prefer to be part of your reality. You can completley turn that paragraph around and switch the words and emotion from those words to what you desire from a simple choice.
Here is a great clip from Bashar regarding the concept of gulit.
Anything is possible. If it possible for you to be experience this suffering, then why is it not possible for you to experience peace? Just change your beliefs and start defining things the way that you choose to define them. You are in total control of what manifests into your life.
I don't know you in a face to face type of way but I know without a shadow of a doubt that you can live the reality that you desire. Stop caring what other people think or say about you and start caring what you say and think about yourself. Once you learn to be a little or even sometimes a lot selfish about how you think and feel, all the other circumstances and people in your life with eventually come together at the right place and time.
There are many techniques on this website to use so I'm not going to link anything specific. Start using whatever technique resonates with you the most for a short amount of time each day. Tell yourself that you are going to take 10, 15, or even 30 minutes a day and devote it wholeheartedly to working on your beliefs, thoughts, and vibration in general. Let this short period of time be procrastination free.
Then, after maybe a week, or two, or four, or whatever you are comfortable with, start increasing the time you spend working on yourself. Start small and work your way up at your own pace. 15 minutes a day of meditation is always a good starting spot.
You are the power in your life. It just comes down to a decision on when and how you want to change it. Use the powerful tools on this site and be the Master Creator that you and I both know you truly are.
EDIT ADDED: 10/11/2012
This may sound hard for you to Believe, but you haven't sabotaged anything whatsoever. You also haven't spoiled anything for anyone else. You are right where you need to be right in this Now Moment. Sometimes in our physical incarnations here on Earth, we need to go through some drama and turmoil to help us realize who and what we truly are.
As for the other people in your life, they have zero power over you unless you choose to give it to them. Every single person you come into contact with is in your consciousness. So all of the people in your life that seem solid and "outside of you" are actually reflections like what you see in a glass mirror of your inner beliefs, thoughts, and emotions.
When certain people start doing vibrational work in the beginning stages of their awakening and releasing process, sometimes a resistance to change can pop up. The ego may try to manifest these emotions and feelings so you don't want to continue with the process. Then it just becomes a cycle of living in those negative emotions if you never put your full attention and awareness on change.
I will share some of my personal preferences for releasing negative thoughts and resistance in general. It's always best though to find something that resonates best in your heart.
Resistance Releasing Techniques
1.) FasterEFT - This may be one of the easiest and fastest techniques to release negative thoughts and emotions. If you feel bombarded with negative emotion or memories while tapping, just continue to tap until the intensity level decreases. It takes an intention from you to want to change and repeating this process regularly could do wonders.
Some more links for FasterEFT:
2.) Quantum Entrainment by Frank Kinslow - These simple techniques of releasing thought and focusing on your feeling place are probably my personal favorites overall. It can be very powerful and yet very simple to use if you take the time to digest the material.
Here are two free links from Frank Kinslow that I feel are of great value and have been very powerful in my life.
Inward Quest link - Have you read The Secret of Instant Healing?
3.) Getting Into The Vortex Meditations - These are great guided meditations to just relax and breath to the count of the music. Listen to these when you need to relax and let go of your resistant thoughts.
4.) Stingray's Manifesting Experiments - Some very powerful tools to use if are willing to sink your teeth into the concepts and actually use them in your everyday life.
5.)The Power of NOW.....Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires.....You Can Heal Your Life - Three books that could virtually change your life if they resonate within your being.
Those are some of the best techniques and sources of information that I can think of sharing with you at this time. I hope something I have shared with you here helps. You can have any life that you desire by simply changing your long held resistance belief systems. You are in charge of everything that happens and can turn your life into a paradise if you so choose. Try some of these techniques and be consistent with them. Then find what resontes the best for you and focus on that. Good luck:)
I really resonated with your question as I was reading through it yesterday, because I have been going through some similar stuff. It's so hard sometimes to keep on keeping on when it feels like you are treading in the same spot, but you've just got to reach for the nearest relief and try to feel a bit better, a bit at a time. If you can, take more time for yourself, to do things for yourself. Nurture yourself and honour your feelings.
Have you tried any releasing work or energy clearing such as Sedona Method, EFT or Emotrance? It has helped me some, but I find that I need to spend more time focusing on gratitude and appreciation in order to balance out the releasing. If you want to read more about releasing, try this blog post (from my favourite LOA blog by Melody Fletcher)
I'll leave you with two videos by Bashar that I thought were quite profound:
answered 09 Oct '12, 08:34
Dear Dreamersmiles, It must have taken a lot of courage to write that question and by writing it you have started your own healing prosess. You are no longer on autopilot for you have voiced your problem and are on the road to recovery providing you do some work on yourself.
All of us and yes that includes you have Gods perfection within us and the negative self talk and negative feeling towards yourself is just your ego so please try not to listen to the ego. Over time you have acuired certain eroneous beliefs about yourself and it is that belief and negative atitude that has created havoc in your life.
The good news is that this can be fixed by planting new positive beliefs in the garden of your mind. Your whole life will change and the best thing is that others will react differently and more positively towards you.
Guilt is one of the lowest vibrations and is very bad for you so please forgive yourself for what you think you did wrong. Remember you are literaly not the same person anymore and the quickest way is to forgive yourself once and for all for if God is big enough to forgive you who are you to not forgive yourself. Make it a forgiveness ceremony and tell yourself from this day onwards I forgive myself and refuse to think bad of myself anymore.
If you find forgiveness difficult than like White Tiger says do good for others for that will make you change your mind about yourself. Doing good makes us feel good. Have you ever helped anybody in any way whatsoever? Maybe you helped with the housework or helped someone pick up somthing they droped or any other help you can posibly think of from the time you can remember. If you have good for you for now you have areason to apreaciate yourself.
See, you are not bad like you think. If you can't remember ever having helped anybody or anything than dont despair for you can start in your own way to help and do good for others or for the enviroment or for whatever you like. Helping will redeem you in your own eyes and make you apreciate yourself more but the best part is that others will notice this and change their mind about you.
Every time you catch yourself thinking bad about yourself change the negative thought to a positive one. It would be a good idea to practise living in the moment and so keep your attention on what you are doing. Like Cory wrote meditaiton and vibrational work would be excelent for you so that you can instill new beliefs which will change your reality. Good Luck.
what is done is done if you feel bad about things you did to someone do something good to pay back what you did.then you will not feel so bad about it even if it will still burn you because you will know it.why blame other?are you with out sin to cast that stone? don't you know that what you do to other will be done to you because they do the same?why do you do what you hate?if you want some light,let there be light,be the light that you can be experience and enjoy.
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