Hi everyone, I am here seeking some advice on what it is that makes one stay in a marriage. A little bit of back ground. I met my husband when I still hadn't learned to really love myself. I had low self esteem, and getting some attention from him was the best feeling at that time. I knew there were some differences between us, but at that time I could not understand their importance.

We have been married over two years and have a baby as well. I have somewhere along the line become complacent and while I am not unhappy, I am not really living and FEELING each moment either. I find that we are having more and more problems these days. I find myself constantly thinking that I would be much happier alone, and much more freer.

My husband views life very differently than me and has many expectations from people, and had recently severed ties with his family as he feels they are not worth the chaos they bring and he has other issues with them too.

I understand that my lack of urgency in things, and being okay with status quo really irks him. I am focusing on getting a job, and contributing more as well. So I can see that it is not just his issues but mine too.

My question is, I often find that he is on a different level altogether. And he always wants me to do the things He has been unable to till now, so I can bring the positive changes and he can be inspired. I feel this is a lot to expect from me. He loses his temper very frequently, and while I can understand his frustration in more cases, I just feel we have different ideas about how we want to live our life.

I am scared of upsetting him, and as a result of course end up upsetting him a lot as is. I am not able to open us to till, as he always has a better solution or will cut off my point. I have as a child avoided conflict at all costs, I grew up in a somewhat troubled household. My family is much better and closer now. So they values I learned growing up don't serve me anymore.

Getting back to me question, I am scared of opening up (its a baseless fear, I know but I am not able to overcome it) and every time tried to say something back, it has further instigated by husband. So, I become more frazzled, and am never able to get my point across.

I have been working on my vibration, and do EFT to deal with my negative emotions. I see that my vibration plays a big role here as well. But with being around my husband, and him pointing out consistently that I am not doing so much wrong, I am not really able to focus or improve.

I have often heard Abraham say that any situation can be turned around, and any relationship can become amazing. I have been living every day with that hope for 3 years, but I am not able to ignore my reality or what I have manifested to move on. I fantasize about living on my own, I do not even think of another relationship, but I feel I should have spent more time with myself, loved myself before I got married. I do not want to shirk my responsibilities in any way, but I really am wondering if I should move on.

We all are learning, and of course I attracted the one very thing in a person that I feared all my life. How do I know to stay or move on? At this point, I am able to justify either.

asked 23 Jan '15, 12:53

Nikki777's gravatar image


edited 23 Jan '15, 15:55

IQ%20Moderator's gravatar image

IQ Moderator ♦♦

I tried this for 12 years. Loyal, trustworthy, hardworking, two kids, but for my wife it wasn't enough. I had no more energy to give and had had enough of being unconditionally loving while being treated as a slave and a doormat, having my freedoms restricted, being regularly insulted in public, and having all my money taken.

Sometimes we need to save ourselves from ourselves. After all, my ego was telling me 'it'll get better. There's nothing better out there. Follow the rules of society and stay til you die.'

Eventually, after another argument over money I decided it was over and began planning a new life.

Now I'm with a great girl that matches me so well that I'm sure she is from my oversoul, I'm not scared of coming home to another argument about something unimportant. I'm not scared of being forced to be a slave at home for 5 hours after having had a 12 hour work day and I'm not worried about having every cent I have being kept from me and not spent on us.

I had to sacrifice my belief systems, break through my negative ego, and realise that we should all be with people that uplift us, and be with people that we can uplift, rather than be surrounded by people that constantly bring our vibrational level down. Since leaving, my life has been an upward ride and I am so happy I made that decision. Incredibly happy.

Now, your situation could be completely different. I don't know what level you're at. Relationships are never perfect. But if it is just a few arguments you're having with your husband and it is due to cognitive dissonance (ie 'he should behave a certain way') or post-natal depression, then it may simply be a matter of looking within and changing your definitions. If you are greatly disturbed by absolutely everything he does to the point that you are stressed throughout your entire day, then you may need to take a holiday by yourself for awhile and take stock of the situation. Maybe you both just need some time apart to renew yourselves.

Every relationship is different and both parties bring subconscious belief systems. I wouldn't break a relationship based on your post but then, with 12 years experience I can put up with a lot. You need to actually sit down and have a proper talk with him about it first, though. There are other things you can do first besides break up. (Don't forget, we're all children until at least 100 years old. Just with older bodies!)

  1. He many need anger management counselling.
  2. He may need time for himself to pursue his own interests (me-time)
  3. He may be stressed at work and dealing with a lot more than you know and concealing it from you.
  4. You need me-time.
  5. You need to take time off from taking care of a baby 24/7. Childcare? Family?
  6. You need a holiday away from your husband
  7. After you've done that and both calmed down, then you can have a very long discussion, maybe at a restaurant or in a park somewhere with old fashioned and permanent pen and paper, and plan out your lives. You take a list of all the things you want to do in your life. He can take a list of all the things he wants to do in his. Compare lists and see if any of them are compatible with areas for compromise. If both lists are so different that you both are on different planets and there is absolutely nothing in common, then you'll need to make a serious decision about your future. Or, if there's some similarity there are things you can do to be able to make things work.

However, if your husband flatly refuses to do any of these things then you know its time to move on.

Hope this helps.


answered 25 Jan '15, 15:24

ManuS's gravatar image


if you read her post correctly is family is chaotic. and her family is trouble household. so they both have some work to do ; to solve their issue. since you cannot help someone else with a similar issue if you are not able to solve your own. and it is not by going away with someone else that there will be no problems and no issue to fix. it is not all bad since they can learn from this and solve their issue and make it work. what is the worst for her husband finding out that he as similar flaw-

(25 Jan '15, 18:21) white tiger

to is family? or that he also bring chaos to his own family? putting it away will not serve him. she also comes from a trouble house hold. so she is just like him in the same issue. I agree with you that trying to conform to society and make it look all good outside with out fixing the issue will not help either of them. if they cannot both learn from their mistake and solve their own issue and after work it out together; they will redo the same.

(25 Jan '15, 18:31) white tiger

answer those question for your self.well was he like this in the beginning?

if not what changed?

is it that you did not know that in life there is problems to overcome?

your husband might be right that if is family is chaotic and he is not able to cope with is own problem that to add more problems will not help. any how is family is similar to him any way so they have more or less similar issue to him. if for you and him it is better to solve your issue then to add more issue solve your issue.

you chose him and he choose you after all. are you really doing something wrong or is view of things view it as wrong and it is good to your view?

then what is the difference and does it fit the context?

there is more then one way to solve a problem sometime a way is better then another depending on the context. some other time both way are ok. also every one make mistake in this world so who is to judge?

would it not be better to improve one self? then to try to find mistake of other to judge them as wrong or doing wrong?

so to answer your question "How do you make a decision to stay in a marriage?"

if you really love each other work it out. if both of you are not able to work it out and accept your self as you are and help each other then it is not working between you. then you have some decision to make.


answered 25 Jan '15, 06:51

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

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