Do you live with a "blamer"? How do you get free of being the one blamed for everything that goes wrong?
asked 19 Mar '11, 06:11
As hard as it can be to hear in the midst of a blaming session, it's never about the other person, it's always about you.
If it is true that we create every aspect of our realities (which it is) then we must also be creating the experience of other people blaming us for their own vibrational mishaps. There must be some element within us that is attracting that behavior from them.
So by changing the way you feel about them blaming you, they must change because you are attracting something different from them.
The trap here is not to attempt that change when you are in the midst of being blamed because your noticing of their behavior will probably keep dominating your awareness and keep dragging you back to your habitual vibration.
The time to attempt vibrational change is when they are not around (perhaps asleep), or even if they are in a good mood and you are enjoying being with them (if your relationship has not already deteriorated beyond that point).
Take those "alone" moments to move your vibrational setpoint (using whatever method you prefer) and then don't look for evidence of change from them.
Just make it your only target to be happy within yourself regardless of what they do and say (good or bad), and eventually the behavior from them will change - but by that time you will be so secure in your own vibration that you may not even notice :)
EDIT - October 30, 2012
Came across this Abraham quote today and thought it would be worth adding here. The last sentence is especially insightful.
My ex was very blaming, picky, argumentative, fault finding, overly critical and controlling. After a long time of working on myself, trying to make changes in the household, trying to keep him happy, going to counseling and countless other things I had to conclude, as Michael wrote about Confucius, that my true path was right out the door. This was the best thing I could have ever done and I never regret it. And he still pulls the same tricks on the people around him, so I made the right decision.
It was a great feeling to find my real self again afterward..... even simple things like deciding to work overtime, or to go out after work with a friend, or join a gym, or decide to put seashells in the bathroom were all fun decisions without him around to complain and blame. How great it felt to not be on egg-shells all the time, and the extent of that was not fully realized until after it was over. The next few years of my life were a lot of fun; like a kid again! So a person like I described can do a lot of damage to you and it's not to be taken lightly.
But if you are staying in the relationship or must, some coping mechanisms are saying to them, "Sorry you always feel the need to be right, that must suck to feel that way".....or "Sorry you can't feel good without hurting my feelings; it must suck to be a bully." These statements or something like it can sometimes stop them in their tracks at least for awhile. Sadly, they do realize they are hurtful and will sometimes stop for the time being. You can also mirror back to them what they are saying. Example, "Wait. Just to be clear. You are saying that it's MY fault that the garage door is broken? Really? They don't wear out? Did I break all of the broken doors around town or just ours?" At that point, faced with logic they will sometimes laugh. Another thing is to explain what you will accept.....example: "If you insist on raising your voice over this small issue I am going to walk away. I don't want to listen to that." And so forth.......
Don't let it get to you. Keep your dignity. Use strategy so that you have some power as well. Think about getting away from this person. Who needs someone like that in their life consistently sucking away your happiness?
answered 19 Mar '11, 13:00
I have been finding Catherine Pratt's book BLAMERS (Stop The Anguish And Start Taking Back Control Of Your Life) very helpful, in it she identified all the traits of blamers. She as well identified all the traits of the victims of blamers.
1. Rarely apologizes for his behavior: He is right, he did nothing wrong its all you, you are the one that made a big deal out of it.
2. Demands a huge amount of attention: it is his world, he is the center and everyone else should agree, he is the only one that knows what he is talking about.
3. Expects you to drop everything and concentrate on him only: if you were going to a party cancel it what is more important me or some dumb party, just cancel it I am coming over you better be home!
4. Is unaware of how destructive his attitudes are: Nothing is his fault, he is always right, if you are having a hard time with that you must be doing it the wrong way.
5. Demands understanding from you: He can be general about telling you to do something but it had better be done the way he would do it if he did it himself. You are just an extension of him you ought to understand a simple task he wants what's the matter with you?
6. Expects you to completely agree with him: How could you not? After all he is always right, he has to do the thinking for everyone.
7. Constantly makes negative comments about you to others: Oh what are you upset about can't you take a joke, or how about some criticisms, oh look Eddie painted his house finely geesh he should have hired a pro! Now it looks worse than before!
8. Only looks for wrong in situations and what is wrong about you: Why did you pick this restaurant? What do they have good here? Look now we have to wait in line for our table! Where is our waitress I need more coffee. This food is giving me gas I told you we should have ate someplace else. I know I said we could eat anyplace but you picked the worst place to eat, I don't know why you just had to pick here of all places!
9. Escalates if you defend yourself or blame him back: It is all your fault and you accuse me? What is the matter with you? You don't know what you are talking about! Why do you like to argue? You have to argue with me don't you? You are not happy unless you are arguing with me, are you?
10. Senses your deepest insecurities: He knows what buttons to push to get you to agree or shut up.
There are 52 traits listed these are just ten, now for victims of blamers again I'll list ten.
1. You have problems knowing what your own needs are: After all your needs are never important anyway only the blamers needs are, drop whatever you are doing to make him happy now.
2. When criticized you feel bad or ashamed of your self: You must have again not satisfied your blamer, you did something wrong again, what's the matter with you!
3. You tend to be critical of yourself: I never get anything right, I don't know what I am doing, my blamer has to do all the thinking for us both, I am nothing without him.
4. You expect to be constantly criticized by other people: I never do anything right, if my blamer is always noticing how screwed up I am everyone else will too, I can never make anyone happy no matter what I do, oh no a phone call from my insurance company! Are they going to yell at me, put me down expose me as someone who doesn't know anything!
5. You are sensitive to comments from others: Even if it is a positive comment you know that person is putting you down in some way, yeah she says she likes my car but what must she be thinking probably why some idiot like me has a nice car like this that is probably it! Or you hear something about some help and think, what are you saying I need help, that you don't think I do this good enough?
6. You doubt yourself: Maybe I should do this, maybe not, I better ask my blamer what I should do.
7. You look for someone to save you or tell you they love you: This is a hard one you want to be loved but find it very hard to love, you know that at any moment it will all fall apart she'll find something wrong with you then it is over because you never were worthy or good enough for her to begin with!
8. You find it hard to share your true thoughts or feelings: You know if you do you will just be criticized for it. It will be put down and you'll find out why you were stupid to think that in the first place so why share these feelings and thoughts?
9. You find it hard to have close relationships with others: How can you possibly, you are obviously not good enough, a failure, and there is something wrong with you, you can't even handle the simplest task without screwing something up, you don't know what you are doing or talking about.
10. You are a people pleaser and want to make sure everyone is happy: Everyone else comes before you, you must always put yourself last, everyone else's happiness matters, if someone disapproves of you in any way it is like torture to you so you must make sure everyone is happy. You don't matter only everyone else's happiness and most above everyone else your blamer's happiness, even if you have to change an entire event last minute for your blamer that may affect many people!
That was 10 out of 26 traits.
Catherine does say to deal with this the only way out is to change our own beliefs about ourselves because a blamer will never change and see the light, in his eyes there is no need to change, he is right always.
Four changes she says to start with are:
She seems to be saying separate yourself from your blamer, do not see that your happiness relies on his happiness. That the only way you can be happy is to finely do something right that the blamer says that was great (without) the "but you should have" in there! It is not going to happen and you need to realize that, don't expect him to ever understand your pain, worry, fear or anxiety over talking with him. He never will and to him you will be blowing everything out of proportion and trying to make him look like the bad guy, you attacking him for no reason, "what's the matter with you attacking him like that!" He never would understand even with quiet reasoning just avoid it. She goes on to explain a lot in her book I highly recommend it! This that I wrote is tinny compared to her book.
Here are two links both to the full book and the free chapters book.
i feel this way most of the time from my family...I never grew up with my mom or sisters, so they blame me for their problems, like when my mom gets sick, or why my sister doesn't go to school...it's like i try to help, and get ridiculed for it...i didnt ask to be separated. the biggest blamers are my sister and mother, telling me that im a do nothing, that they shouldnt take my advice cause what do i know im a fuck up. even though im doing eveything i can to make things better. but they dont see that this is why im trying to make sure they dont make the same mistakes. in the end, ive just learned to accept that you cant expect someone to be more than the sum of their parts...and just remember that at the end of the day, do you really care what they think? if you do, why? you and only you are whats most important in your life, if you take care of yourself, others will follow and admire you. and even if the dont, you will feel great about you. good luck and good day.^_^
answered 10 Nov '11, 20:32
You can NEVER change ones behavior,, only they can do this,all you can do is accept that they cannot change n know yourself well enough to dismiss all of their negativity that is being directed to you!! You are the ONLY one who can choose to feel good or bad from others behavior !!! love n light , rob
Others have given great advice, and I just wanted to add one thing. I have lived with a blamer. I would get bothered and outraged by it, and the more I was angry about being blamed, the more I got blamed! If you focus on the blame, you not only accept it, but you are attracting more.
The good news is, there is a way to be unaffected. You cannot change the other person, and attempting to do so will most likely cause more frustration. You can, however, change your own perspective about it, which will change how you feel about it.
The blamer is presenting you with a definition about yourself that you do not prefer or do not agree with. If you accept a definition about yourself that you do not prefer, it will cause distress.
Imagine if someone came up to you and said, "I hate your orange socks!" You can get angry, upset, fight back, OR, you can look at them and think, "What an odd fellow, my socks aren't orange, they're white,", and be on your way completely unaffected. You can apply this to any definition someone else has about you that is not your reality.
It's all about changing your perspective.
answered 24 Oct '12, 15:06
My advice would be to asses the broader picture.
If your partner,husband is generally a decent person and the blaming is only one or one of a few faults then on balance you may be with the right person. After all no ones perfect are they.
However if the blaming is a manifestation of a rather damaged person who ultimately isnt making you happy then i would consider getting rid.
I think that any kind of manifestation is possible "EXCEPT" changing another person. Ive tried this many times and have failed miserably. Lets face it, even Source doesnt force change or manifestation on anyone. Even God himself reserves the right on our behalf to be free to be negative as well as positive.
If your partner is exhibiting negative traits theres little you can do. By all means give it a try,but in my experience ( which i grant is limited ) ive found manifesting change in others very difficult if not impossible.
Even Jesus said to his deciples to shake the dust of their feet if they were not accepted.Even Christ ( the ultimate in instant manifestors ) wasnt able to change everyone he came into contact with.
You will im sure get on with your own issues and development,you may have to settle for that.Your partner or indeed family member ( not sure which ) is His /Her own extension of the Father/Source. They have the same autonomy that you have.
This is sometimes a frustration to me. But im learning to let it go a little. But i see your perspective, i really do.
answered 19 Mar '11, 11:06
I think the first thing you need to be asking yourself is what part of you is allowing that blame to exist in your life? What part of you is not questioning the people who you are around? What part of you is allowing yourself to continue to be surrounded by that behavior? It should be non-negotiable and unacceptable-only you are allowing yourself to be blamed- and training others to blame you. But there is something in your subconscious that is keeping tat dynamic or the feeling of blame around- either by habit or by some inverse benefit-an unconscious benefit to you. So ask- how is receiving blame from these people keeping me safe or benefiting me in someway? Does it keep me in a small place? Does it keep me dependent in the dynamic between this person or persons? But how is that ultimately serving you and your greatest purpose?
We for the most part are beings that have a choice, even if difficult to take responsibility for that choice and for the choice to choose our own envrionment-when certain insects are living on a host that no longer provides them sustenance or is of toxic nature, they learn to grow wings to find a more healthy host. Nature, outside of habit, learns to find things through growth that actually benefits and supports them. But every form of life contains an instinctual mechanism that draws it to what it needs best- think of a tree that grows roots and leaves to absorb water and light- that ability is already inherant- its programmed latently in the tree. The tree doesn't need to go outside of itself or shrink down- it seeks to grow and provide seeds. Those who do not listen to that call do not thrive- or must face the challenge to realize and change their environment to find something that is more supportive.
answered 31 Oct '12, 00:01
I am the one who lived with two kinds of blamers:The first was my former fiancee. It was impossible for me to continue living with him because besides being a blamer he was angry, selfish, violent( verbally and sometimes physically0, a lousy sex partner, stingy ... At that young age i have realized that me being on the happy, generous, peaceful side I HAD STARTED TO CHANGE FOR THE WORST, and being with him became a struggle, unhappy struggle... So i walked out in spite of the common financial investments we had made, i walked out with nothing. I am soooooooo happy i did. The second is my actual boyfriend: BUT he is kind, with sense of humor, generous, sex is amazing with him, the way he talks and "handles" me is with respect and tenderness. However, he blames and nags at times and has the habit of "telling" me what i should like and want or even need. I am in love with him, he is the one for me. The way i deal with him at the moment is to simply state with a low, nice???!!!, tone of voice that this is what i want and remind him that he is not here to tell me what i like, need or want. I was reacting angrily at the beginning and said things like "Who are you to tell me what i need..... or any of the reactive responses. That kind of attitude did not work at all, but when i learnt to stand my ground in a very firm but calm way he slowly, slowly started to change the way he talks to me. Now he asks me " Honey, what would you like....?" Not in all cases, we have our conflicts sometimes but it is way better than before. Maybe there is a technique of working on vibrations but for sure there comes a time when you have to stand your ground through your attitude: either leave or find a way to work through it without damaging the relationship or yourself.
answered 02 Aug '13, 14:32
Someone who perpetually blames others for things happening around them could very easily be showing signs of other problems. Passive aggressive behavior is synonymous with blame (and many other negative traits too - see below); the passive aggressive person simply cannot accept responsibility. Their behavior could also be attributed to a personality disorder (and there are a few of those too), and most people who are inflicted with a personality disorder are also usually passive aggressive personality types as well.
By being "happy" around these people will only make things worse for you as this will annoy them even more; hence, if you're happy and cheerful around them this will fall under the "fear of competition" point below. They are rarely "cheerful" so if you are continually happy they feel the need to try and "knock you down a notch"; hence, you become a target. The key passive aggressive traits are:
Ambiguity: They will rarely be up front and honest with you
Forgetfulness: They either forget to do something that is important to you, or they will forget that they behaved badly
Blaming: It's never their fault
Fear of Dependency: They're terrified to show that they need you or someone else
Obstructionism: They will surreptitiously get in the way of your own progress
Fear of Competition: They are also terrified that someone will do better than them
Procrastination: They continually drag their feet when it's something important to you
Stubbornness: They rarely change their mind when it's not their idea
Negativity: These are probably the most negative people you will ever meet, which usually drags all those around them down.
The only real way to avoid being a target around these people is to avoid being around these people. One must put as much distance between themselves and the passive aggressive person as possible, or you will be in a continual war that will only wear you down - it's a "lose-lose" situation for you.
I had a very passive aggressive mother and unfortunately the only way I could save myself was to sever ties. Each human being is responsible for their own well-being, and yes we could very well be attracting negative circumstances from a passive aggressive individual. But we also have the power to take action and just "walk away" from that life too. No human being "must" stay and take abuse - we are all responsible for our own well-being and health. However, also keep in mind that this statement only works in a free and open society. For those living in a lawless society, or a dictatorship that will imprison you for anything then you might not be able to simply "walk away".
Even in a free and open society most abused children do not have a choice of course, and in most of these cases by the time they find the strength and knowledge to distance themselves from a negative situation such as abusive parents they will have a lifetime of healing to work through. That might just be the "big lesson" we all have to learn too though, and although it can be done, it usually only succeeds when the tough questions are made and tough answers given...and after we "take action".
Do not be surprise at my saying,in truth i tell you,first wash the inside of the cup and the outside will also be clean for you.lift that stone and split that piece of wood and you will find me there,if the one blaming you would have done the same he would not have blame you. there is light in a person of light and it shines on the whole world if not it is dark. so let there be light ,Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
you know people are never happy and blame other all the time, what they get mad about is there own problem. they will blame you because you do not work , they will blame you because you work, they will blame you because you want to rest, they will blame you because you do not rest and work hard. the simple fact is that they need to blame someone on the outside for their own lack inside. they should take the beam out of their own eyes. it is much more important then taking the speak of dust out of the eyes of their neighbor. you see even being silent and doing what you have to do is not enough for people in this world. one will always try to found fault in you they see on the outside and are not able to walk a mile in someone else shoe. if they cannot respect someone else and try to blame that person for all their problems. What can you do to help them out? every thing you do is negative even doing nothing is negative. then the only thing you can do is know your self. and stay silent. respect their choice as they should respect your own choice. in this world many are in darkness and cause division in them self and with other because of their ego. also they do it because of their belief that are not in truth because they lack understanding and knowledge they do those things. it is like the story of the prodigal son. the two brother are lacking knowledge and understanding in the story. the prodigal son make a division to have is inheritance early and leave is father and brother. when the prodigal son finally understand is mistake and come back home to is father and brother is other brother cannot accept it and is making a division also. and is father tell him he was dead to us but now he is alive, was lost but now is found.
also that bible verse: Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division.
it as been miss understood.
since many are all ready in division and not at peace. it is not because some one come to them that they will have peace. even if they want peace. since they are the one having that choice. you can only give them truth from a pure heart. they are the one and only one that can work on their own inner division cause by their own darkness inside and often cause by other people in darkness on the outside. the only thing you can give them is the sword of truth that comes out from your mouth.
you see it is not by outside external factor that peace come it is by work from within first. the outside result is made by the inner work for each and every one. and each one as free will. so of course you cannot bring peace to every one and force it on them, it is a matter of free will and inner work.
most of the time people think that all the problem they have come from the outside and come disturb their inside. they forget that each problem have a solution and it is not by doing problem to people that do them problem that it solve any thing. first are they so sure that it is other people that do them problem? and if they really are doing them problem for what reason are they doing it? until one go in the wilderness and reflect and meditate to do is inner work he is trap in the cycle of the world and is sight is set on external thing. so one needs to remove himself from the outside world to put is focus on is inside world. or if you prefer to move from the wide gate to the narrow gate. in this way he will get to know himself. and clean the inside of the cup.
Let there be light , be the light that you can be , experience and enjoy.
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