I had been making great progress for the past few weeks regarding vibrational work and the manifesting process. Focus Blocks were an immense help and I could feel things were started to shift in the right direction. I felt in control, optimistic about my future and happy. The one area that I could not control was the problem I have with my mother. Still things on that front were a bit calm too (I have shared before that my Mom has senile dementia). But for the past 4 days her mood has taken a turn for the worst. She is constantly angry, gets irritated at the slightest things, thinks the whole world is against her and is generally very negative. I am once again in the situation where I am afraid every second of what she will say next and how I will handle it. Only misery, negativity and hate comes out of her lips. Sometimes I'm not even sure if its dementia or just her way of emotional blackmail, but she certainly knows how to make me truly miserable. All the work I did on raising my vibrations is going down the drain because all I can feel is anger, fear and sometimes even hate. I tried revisiting my Focus Blocks and thinking happy thoughts, but the more I do that the worse my headache becomes. Its as if my negativity is really resisting my efforts at being more positive.
I'm really desperate and I need all the hep and advice I can get. Any by-the-way if any body is thinking I should physically remove myself from this situation - the simple answer is I can't. I'm an only child, there are no decent facilities for the elderly where I live and she is completely financially and emotionally dependant upon me.
asked 23 May '10, 19:31
I Think Therefore I Am
Barry Allen ♦♦
showing 2 of 8 show 6 more comments
I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I don't have a simple, easy answer for you.
But I can suggest something that might be happening from a vibrational perspective.
If you think what I suggest is a possibility then it might console you a bit that this is not a random event.
If you don't think it's a possibility, then it might still apply to someone else reading this and I feel obliged to mention it since it is something I have got caught up in within my own life a number of times and it was not until I eventually realized what was happening that I was able to consciously deal with it.
I have seen it happen also in the lives of others around me when they start to become more deliberate about feeling better.
There is a phenomenon that I have come to call clattering.
The name comes from a brief snippet of an Abraham seminar I once heard where they talked about someone clattering out of another person's reality because the previous comfortable vibrational relationship had now become uncomfortable.
Clattering occurs between people when the vibrational status quo between two people has altered significantly through one of them doing some vibrational work.
This might be best explained through an example.
Assume we have two people, Jack and Jill (names and sexes have been chosen at random!).
Jack and Jill have a friendship which has been stable for some time. It's not a happy friendship but instead is one where they both have a misery-based understanding...Jack has had unwelcome events happen in his life that have caused him to adopt a cynical, depressing view of life while Jill has always been generally unhappy and finds some comfort in the fact that Jack is also unhappy.
To an outsider watching them interact, they always seem to talk negatively about life and other people. And yet, through this negativity they seem to share a common bond. There is a saying that misery loves company, isn't there?
But it's not a negativity that Jack is really comfortable with. At some level, he senses within himself that this is a not a vibrational place he should be but he can't see any way out of it so he has resigned himself to his negative, cynical world view that Jill appreciates.
Then one day, Jack hears about a metaphysical way to alter vibrational attitudes. It doesn't matter what the way is, the point is that Jack finds a way to start to regain his originally positive view of life. He starts to feel more like himself again, and he starts to become happier and more optimistic as a result.
But something starts happening as his attitude changes.
It seems as though the better he feels, the more negative Jill becomes. She starts criticizing him for faults that she never mentioned before. She starts blaming him for things he doesn't think are his fault.
Jill seems to get angry and moody for no reason at all. And Jack is so shocked and upset by this sudden change in Jill's behavior that he gets dragged back down to where he was before...eventually he's now back to his cyncial, miserable self again and, strangely enough, once he has settled back there again, Jill seems to be okay with him again.
So what is going on here?
Basically, the situation is that the only way that Jack and Jill are a vibrational match is for Jack to be as unhappy as Jill.
As soon as Jack starts to raise his vibrational level, Jill can no longer exist in his reality and The Law of Attraction starts to bring about situations whereby they will no longer physically interact. You have probably noticed this in your own life many times when you lose touch with people who were previously good friends.
However, at some level Jill senses the vibrational shift that is going on (though she doesn't understand it) and, because she has an emotional investment in this long-term friendship, she instinctively realizes that the only way to keep Jack in her life is to start to dominate his attention so that he is drawn back down to his previous vibrational level.
I must stress here that this is not something that Jill is doing consciously in order to make Jack suffer. She is very likely not even aware of her own changed behavior.
Like someone who is drowning, Jill is just flailing about wildly in order to keep herself above water i.e. in Jack's life. This is why she starts behaving erratically, perhaps angrily. It's just her way of surviving as Jack's reality starts to drift out of reach.
In brief, Jack's vibrational work is causing Jill to clatter out of Jack's reality because her habitual vibrational level is not a match to Jack's improved feeling.
So what is Jack to do?
If he carries on improving his feeling, Jill's moods will get worse. But if he sinks back down to where he was previously, he will be back in that miserable place that he knows he does not belong.
Like I said at the start, I don't have a simple, easy answer for you.
If what is happening to you is clattering, the only way I have ever found to resolve the situation is to hold to the improved vibrational level and just let things take their course.
Jack would have to hold fast to his vibrational work regardless of Jill's (unconscious to herself) increasing noise and anger that is attempting to hold him back where he was. The noise and anger of Jill's clattering will increase steadily as Jack's vibration continues to increase until suddenly, one day, the Law of Attraction can no longer match them up vibrationally and the two will go their separate ways, perhaps through some dramatic break-up event...maybe a big argument or something similar.
But the difference is that Jack is now in a much better place in his life, and is probably spending his time with different, more positive, friends.
Now please don't take this story as advice for your own life. The situation is completely made up just to give an example of clattering and is not meant to mirror the relationship between you and your mother.
As I said, this may not apply to your situation but, if it does, at least you know vibrationally what is going on.
The only solution in my own life that I have ever found to deal with clattering is to be selfish enough to make myself feel better first and foremost, and trust that those who clatter out of my reality as a result will have benefited from the time they spent with me.
Personally, I have yet to have had someone clatter out of my life and then return at a future date. It's probably not what most people want to hear but that's just been my experience of this phenomenon.
Apologies for the long answer but I wanted to try to explain this concept at some length since I haven't mentioned it on this website before, and because I believe it affects a lot of people who start doing deliberate vibrational work and successfully move up the emotional/vibrational scale.
Abraham have said many times that it is quite normal for all hell to break loose when someone first starts doing vibrational work, and I believe clattering is part of that hell-breaking-loose experience. :)
Like undergoing a detoxifying bodily fast, things sometimes get worse before they get (permanently) better...but the end-result is well worth the initial discomfort.
answered 23 May '10, 21:44
Are the headaches also a result of this phenomenon? It really is like a battle inside the moment I consciously start thinking of positive thoughts my head starts to pound as if the subconscious is reluctant to get out of its comfort zone.
(23 May '10, 23:13) I Think Therefore I Am
Clattering is only a term that I use regarding the perceived behaviour of others to your vibrational change. For headaches, my answer is still the same as before http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/6058/everytime-i-replace-doubts-with-positive-feelings-i-start-getting-a-dull-headache
(23 May '10, 23:31) Stingray
This is truly a wondeful answer Stingray. I had never heard the term 'clattering' before and your description really clarifies a lot of things - I think this answer will be invaluable to a lot of people. @I Think Therefore I Am - I cannot really add too much to Stingray's answer except to say try to persevere with your vibrational work, it takes time but you will reap the rewards.Try to find some little thing about your Mom that is positive and focus on that - things often get worse before they get better but if you stick with it, they will get better.
(24 May '10, 00:28) Michaela
A good and beautiful answer.
(24 May '10, 07:06) Gleam
Thank you all for your support and advice. I think my persistence in trying to keep myself positive despite the headaches is paying off. I visited a Neurologist today and he tells me that her dementia could be caused by a thyroid malfunction in which case it is actually treatable. I can't believe it! I'm going to put all my energies into manifesting a treatement from now on.
(24 May '10, 09:32) I Think Therefore I Am
That is an extremely good analogy that Stingray used with Jack and Jill. I know eactly what he is talking about as I have had very similar experience. I find that sometimes the resistance comes from within myself and it feels like I have to do battle with myself.
(26 May '10, 15:51) Drham
The problem is, nobody wants their mother to clatter out of their life.
(30 Mar '11, 04:07) Fairy Princess
@Stingray: I have noticed this clattering in my life at times (and being on both sides in different situations) in passing thoughts but never in a clear and concise way. Thank you for spelling it out so nicely, I have never taken the time to analyze it in such depth. It really does seem to be something that happens a lot but many people may not realize how. Thanks for the explanation. .....and now I know not to buy into the feeling of a smooth relationship at the sake of lowering my vibrational level.
(30 Mar '11, 20:10) Back2Basics
@Stingray- terrifically explained as usual, reading this makes me smile :) A Question, when you say, regarding Jack and Jill, "The two will go their sepperate ways" do you have enough experience to know if the law of attraction physically breaks the two apart, or is it more likely that their physical actions regarding each other change (eg: argument, which doesnt appeal to me at all unfortuanntly).?
(21 Feb '12, 05:42) Nikulas
@Nikulas - I think it depends on how much "attachment" is present in the relationship. If both parties are open to moving on then the Law of Attraction just does what it does, it just gently changes the life circumstances of both so that the two no longer interact. If one of the parties doesn't want to let go and allow this to happen then I think the ride can get a bit bumpy and the "clattering" occurs. I think it depends on the individuals what physical actions manifest as a result.
(21 Feb '12, 09:11) Stingray
@Stingray-if two people break up due to clattering would the bad feeling of the break up leave them both feeling low and back in the same vibrational vicinity?
(29 Feb '12, 14:19) Satori
@Satori - Possibly that could be the case when this idea is applied to romantic relationships. It might well be the explanation for those yo-yo relationships where people keep breaking up, then getting back together, then breaking up, then getting back together etc. Interesting thought :)
(02 Mar '12, 03:13) Stingray
@Stingray-,yes i was thinking this to.amazing explanation of clattering by the way which explains some of the bizarre breakups ive had.thanks;-)
(02 Mar '12, 14:26) Satori
@stingray - As you change your vibrational interaction with another person, you change the "loop" behavior. You say X and they say X, people build relationships like this. Can be based on shared misery. As one of them begins to change, raising their vibration, the other must follow or lose contact.
So Jack says Y and Jill still says X. She does not get an X back so she intensifies her X. Jack stays with his Y. Jill can either get on a different level or clatter off.
(05 Sep '12, 06:57) Dollar Bill
The tendency is for Jack to try to get Jill to come to his Y. He (and I use "he" in a specific individual sense) decides on ways of communicating his Y to Jill. Likely this will get Jill to intensify her old X where they have bonded in the past.
Suppose that Jack goes to his Vortex. Bonds with his Source, and together, Jack and Jack's Source come up with some new behavior patterns of response, or lack thereof to Jill's now histerical X. Jack switches worlds where Jill2 is congruent with his Y.
(05 Sep '12, 07:04) Dollar Bill
@Dollar Bill - Yes, and worth pointing out that Jill2 might not be the same physical body as the first Jill :) I have actually experienced a situation where Jill1 clattered out of my existence but then Jill2 came along with almost the same personality as Jill1 but without the friction-causing element.
(05 Sep '12, 13:40) Stingray
@stingray - :) and am I correct in surmising that you were able to neutralize the elements in yourself that were your part of the friction causing elements in the relationship with Jill1 as to not repeat the previous experience with Jill2?
The whole concept seems to be creating a new world, a new Jill2, not trying to renovate Jill1. Co-creating anew.
(05 Sep '12, 16:16) Dollar Bill
@Dollar Bill - For me, there was quite a time gap between Jill1 and Jill2 so I had plenty of time to neutralize :) "a new Jill2, not trying to renovate Jill1" - Yes, I think this is key. Too often we get attached to physical forms and this blocks the natural flow of things. By being willing to allow change (in whatever form it requires), we can eventually end up in a much better place...a new different world that feels the same but lacks the "friction"
(06 Sep '12, 09:02) Stingray
Aha now I know. Great answer Stingray you sometimes outdo even yourself.
(06 Sep '12, 20:01) Paulina 1
I really enjoyed you example of clattering with jack and jill. I realize better now of the ones clattering in my life and I don't want to be dragged down with them no matter how long the friendship but I can't seem to totally let go of them so I will continue to better my vibration and let things play out as they should. thank you stingray
(04 Nov '12, 02:37) kerrielynn
@kerrielynn - You're welcome. Yes, your only realistic option is to feel better and let things play out as they will because otherwise you are in a relationship/friendship that is hurting you emotionally.
(07 Nov '12, 05:51) Stingray
showing 2 of 21 show 19 more comments
I fully understand your situation. My father had senile dementia (he passed away last Chrismas Eve). I am only child. It was only my mum and I to take care of him, family disappeared as if by magic when we most needed support, company and help. My father didn't recognize me, yelled at me, looked at me as if with disgust...a thing he wouldn't have ever done before: I was his 'pet'!!! He only seemed to be comfortable with my mum, but she had to work! We were alone and didn't have money enough for a 24hs-nurse.
I used to feel very hurt, frustrated and angry at him, and I spoke to my therapist about it. I said to her I didn't feel him as my father any longer as he didn't seem to love me anymore. She replied "You're right. He's not your father, the loving father you knew. It's the disease speaking through him now. You don't have to feel guilty about having those feelings, he's not himself anymore, senile dementia took him over."
All I can advise you is, go on with your meditation, anything that makes you feel better, and try to think that that negative person is not 'your mother' trying to pull you down. It's just the disease. Treat her kindly as you would with any ill person but don't allow her to pull you down. Your mother of old would have never done that to you.
I hope I could be of any help... My best wishes to you! xxx
answered 24 May '10, 14:09
Also a wonderful and insightful answer.
(06 Sep '12, 20:03) Paulina 1
I have dealt with a old person that I really loved and I am here to tell you it is not easy for sometimes it is part of their personality for you are not going to tell me what to do and the other is their mental and physical body is weakening and I was able to give zinc and two more minerals, vitamin or herb but I can't remember what they were that really help her as long as I able to get her to take them.
The way to kept from being pull down into a lower vibrational frequency of you feeling bad, depressed, sad, and full of negatively and doubt is to stay prayed up to God is who I trust in believe in and Jesus Christ others may have a differently belief system. Than put up your own invisible force field of self protection of OK she is going to open her mouth and all kinds of negatively things are going to come out that could hurt me or make me feel bad but from now on I love her and I will do and take care of her but I will not let her hurt me emotionally. What words she says I will not let them come near me.
I understand you see you have a responsibility to see about your mother as she hopefully saw about you and have taken care of you that is so good of you. But you must ground your self in positive energies to lift you up emotionally which will raise up your vibrational frequency. If you like to read than read you a book that makes you feel good. Watch a funny movie, read funny jokes, take up a hobby that brings you great pleasure maybe drawing, learning how to play a instrument, taking up dance lessons just something creative to take your mind away from the negative drama for a while.
Now there are people that can clear your auras and energy fields to remove negative energies which will let in more positive energies into your life for your mother as well.
There are salt lamps which will absorbed the negative energies around you. There are crystals which will clear negative energies. There also are different gems which helps as well.
Also you said you have headaches I believe well we have a ego which likes to be in control and when we go against the grain or something it wants done it will try and stop us so you can literally say we are in a fight within our own selves.But those are blocks we may have put in place a long time ago.
answered 24 May '10, 03:02
Good and useful advices.
(24 May '10, 07:08) Gleam
Thanks and I am glad and hope if only a little portion of it will help for it is a hard road to travel without knowledge, support, and a way of protecting your self from all of the negativity you will come up against trying to help your mother. It can be done but you must be grounded in a lot of positive energies and a force field you have place up to protect you from all of those negative words coming out of her mouth whether she means them or not. You love her and continue to love her but just protect your self and don't let those words she says get to you! I really hope this helps you Gleam
(24 May '10, 23:39) flowingwater
@flowingwater- your suggestion that auras and energy fields of both parties can be cleared of negativity and replaced by positivity seems very good advice ... bb2
(16 Jan '13, 13:37) blubird two
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I have been taking care of my brother in law for 18 years. He was my husband's brother and he had Schizophrenia since he was a teenager from what I heard from his family. He was 50 when he came to live with us because he has already stayed with everyone in his family for a short while and also half way houses. At that time he was not on medication because no one in the family wanted to admit he had a problem. I was not even told he had Schizophrenia when he came to live with us 6 months after his brother and I got married.
I found out he had a problem when he spent the weekend with a sister and burned their car down while sitting in it and watching the moon with the car running for hours outside in high grass. So then he became my responsibility and I had him put on medication just to be able to make him function. He also was paranoid and did not trust me and thought I was trying to poison him and only would take food and drink from his brother for the first few months.
He was not mean or anything like that, but very aggravating most of the time and living in the past when he was a good body man fixing cars. From what I heard from family he was real good and did work wonders, but he also was lazy and never stayed anywhere long. During Therapy sessions we attended in the beginning as a family, I did learn not to take anything from him personally and to mentally detach myself. I learned to view him like the teenager he was still in his mind, but not to treat him like one because he would rebel against it.
At that time I started reading lots of books from Joseph Murphy and Norman Vincent Peale, and I believe it was Dr. Peale who said if you are in a position where you really cannot change a person, to put yourself in the position of an observer or outsider, not a family member and view the other person as someone who cannot help what he is doing. In other words, mentally detach yourself from what is going on. He used to be full of negativity from his past. We started taking him to church with us and I worked with him to overcome his negativity, which took a very long time, but it did happen. He still lived in the past a lot, but not all the time anymore, and I learned not to touch the trigger points which would start it again.
We really started getting along very well and he would try very hard to please me. Usually I could bribe him with Ice cream or the promise to go out to eat, his favorite thing to do. When my husband, his brother died in Jan 2010 at only 54, my brother in law decided on his own to stay with me to help me out moneywise, b/c he was getting disability, not much, but it helped. Especially 1 sister tried to get him to move in with her b/c she wanted his disability money, and she did dump him twice previously. But he stood his ground and told her he was staying with me. Unfortunately, he died 6 months later after complications from surgery in the hospital. He was 67.
So, what I am trying to say is, try to detach yourself from the situation mentally by either doing focus blocks or start your day out with affirmations (my favorite), and remember your mother how she used to be and tell yourself that she does not want to be like this but she can't help it. You may have to see her as an unruly child who needs patience, love and gentle discipline to change the atmosphere in your house. I will keep you in my prayers for this change to happen.
answered 02 Mar '12, 17:21
I agree with explanation and advices you receive. I want add only some thoughts about what is happenning with your Mom and your attitude to face out.
About diagnosis. It must be established by a professional doctor psychiatrist (prefferable) or neurologist. Once formulated the larger frame of demential syndrome (characterized by gradually and continuously lowsring of intellectual abilities certainly manifested previously), doctor will searche the determining cause or causes. They could be more. Senile dementia is a diagnosis by exclusion of all other causes excepting the age. A severe hypothiroidy could be a cause and respond the best (comparatively with other causes), on course of some month, to the treatment with thyroidian hormone, adding vitamines (especially B1), antioxidants (Vit.E, C, Selenium), zinc, fat-acid omega-3 (very important) alphalipoic acid (very imp.), pholic acid, lecitin, minerals. On the second level of chances is the dementia-like syndrome caused by a benign (non-cancerous) cerebral tumor in the region prefrontal of brain, relatively easy to operate. If the diagnosis of your mother is certain and clear, remains the care along the evolution.
The behaviour of suffering individual. Dementia is an mental illness, caused commonly by the significant diminution of number of neurons from brain cortex, except the two above mentioned conjunctures (on hypothiroidy, for long time dominates the biochemical disturbances and by compression for benigne tumors; in the post-traumatic dementia, the cortex could lack totally on a delimitated portion of brain. What is important for you to know, is that dementia is a mental illness and, only in the initial phases of evolution, the subject can somewhat control himself. Often the ill juxtaposits an incredible clear reason with the absurd and ne is totaly blind tu see this. The insiste to convince him about absurdum generates hostility or just violence. He knows by instinct (sobconscious)that he is threatened by an invisible, big, vital danger and search on outside the source of. Ideas as "all the world is againt me"exprimes this anxious presentiment and is one belonging to the paranoia deviation of the thinking. The subject has yet enoudh mind for records some inadvertences around himself, but not enough mind for discern their source, especialy not discerns own inabilities. It is a state appreciated in the judiciary psychiatry as irresponsability for own acts and sayings and Justice brought in a verdict of "not guilty" (based on a preliminary psychiatric expertise). But to be "not guilty" exclude not the potential to dangerous acts.. You need look the situation by this perspective.
Your required attitude. You need understanding that your Mom khows you are for her the only footing in the world, the last floating board from the shipwreck of his life. This is why spasmodically catches you. But this don't means that let yourself drowning together with her. The professional salvamar man knows the technics against this compulsive behaviour and don't let himself to be immobilized by the disperate drowning man: or can colaborate with him or take some physical distance within they, or immobilizes the drowning man. For this you don't need selfish, but you need reason and imagination, for taking the necrssary. How? With kindness but firmly, with love but not submissively, with patience but not letting to be overwhelmed, with compassion, serenity and consciously but living your life. It is possible
What don't take never: not contradict, not say "you aren't right"; use insteed formule with "maybe", "perhaps", "I wonder this", "I don't know to be..."
At sure, work intensively for rise you vibration. This will help to both: You and your Mom.
I pass through the same experience along 14 years and I end it without any culpability feeling. It's true: don't have be easy. Anyone can do it. You can also.
answered 24 May '10, 17:34
Thanks Gleam. Actually I visited a new neurologist today and he did tell me about the potential of hr dementia being thyroid related and I'm having all the tests done this week. The previous neurologist had just said it was age related and non-treatable. I think all my Focus work is paying off, from no hope to a possibility of a treatment is a huge thing. You are right regarding my attitude of course for most of the time I do try and be patient and understanding but there are days when I completely lose it:-(
(24 May '10, 18:51) I Think Therefore I Am
I suggest learning EFT and using it and also teach it to your mother. I read that it has helped with these things. I hope your mother is doing well. I am sorry you have this burden to bear. EFT would help you both so much. Blessings and peace
answered 30 Mar '11, 04:10
I sympathise with your situation cause I was and still am in some ways on the same boat. Despite having that its your mother,brother,sister whoever they do not have the control over you to make you feel as negative as they want you to feel. Can I suggest a trip or vacation ? Or taking her out for a walk to pleasant places. It would be hard for her to stay negative around positive surroundings. Make her think about good memories. This has surely been mentioned to you before. Try something different to catch her off guard that would surprise her. Remember she has no control to make you feel misery. Im telling you be detached while remaining intuned to what shes saying and doing. Its going to be an ongoing battle maybe unless she gets an awakening or some form of healing that you have to help her find. Its not going to be easy but if you accomplish this you will grow by leaps and bounds. I sincerely hope this helps.
answered 24 May '10, 01:30
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Thanks for the title edit Barry.
No problem at all. We've noticed on Inward Quest in the past that the more specific a question title is, the more specific an answer it seems to attract. Plus it also helps others with a similar question in the future to more easily find yours.
well, if it helps in any way you are not alone, I'm dealing with something very similar...
@I Think Therefore I Am- difficult....so it seems. Trust me, follow Stingrays answer; once you deal with this (vibrationally) you'll develop a considerable amount of confidence in creating your reality. I have had at least 3 miraculuous things dealing with relationships happening with me- though they didnt have dimentia, they DID anger me and do voltile emotion adjusting for me, but trust me, IT WORKS! Just trust yourself buddy and trust these systems till you truely believe in them :)
Hello @I Think Therefore I Am, referring to the phrase "if anybody is thinking I should physically remove myself from this situation ... I can't", I'd just like to say that when feeling stuck in such a disagreable situation the chances are that there's too much focus on how rather than what. How to relieve the situation is not ours to work out, just focus on what is wanted. Between familly members there's usually deeply ingrained automatic limiting mechanisms, such as emotional blackmail
you can however set your sights on what you really want then follow the feedback.
well you learned something about your self be happy. you see you try to raise vibration and they are going down. extreme do not serve you or you might not have been as high as you think if some negativity bring you down. the simple fact is that negativity is part of this world. just accept it and know that every negativity that are not of your doing do not belong to you and you do not have to take it on you. also old people are affected by a deteriorating physical body affecting their emotion-
and mental state so do not take it personal. any way you know that she does stuff now that she would never have done before. so you see that it is not the real her that you have know all your life. you said it your self: my Mom has senile dementia. see the doctor adjust her meds. some pills might not help her sometime pills activate dementia some other attenuate it. you will need professional help.