I had been in a relationship for about 3 years with the love of my life- it ended because he wasnt in love with me anymore and had been planning behind my back to move to the other side of the world.

We split up- he went off to live in another country and then I started dating someone else. My ex found out and that's when the angry emails and abuse started.

It got a lot worse with things being said to me about how I change my men like a pair of shoes, how I'd disrespected our entire realtionship. He was drinking lots and threating to end his life saying it was my fault -in the end it got so bad I had to cut my phone off and come off all social sites.

However, I'm still not over him and can't seem to let him go. I want to move on as I can't ever see myself being happy unless I can let go.

Does anyone have any mindfulness advice that I could try?

Thank you

asked 16 Jul '12, 18:34

Blesslordy's gravatar image


edited 02 Oct '12, 20:51

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Thank you for all your wonderful advice- it helps allot. Sometimes it is good to get advice from people you do not know.

I know i need to start changing my thoughts and push all the negative thoughts out from my mind.

I did move to the other part of the country last year to try and start a new life for myself and have tried to push myself in my career and keep as busy as i can to help myself. It just hasn't had much of a positive impact. I miss home and deep down i want to go back but feel i can not do this now. So i feel in complete limbo.

I think what I want from him is forgiveness and for him to know that I truly didn't mean to hurt him when I met someone else- I honestly thought he would not care. As for what i still my ex accountable for- well hurting me deeply and for having this hold over me. Which I know is up to me to change not him.

I just feel like this is completely eating me up and I have no idea what else to do to move on. I have started seeing a councilor so i'm hoping it will help soon.....

(17 Jul '12, 17:30) Blesslordy

@Blesslordy- Ease up on yourself if you can't find the silver bullet over night...It's tricky to teach it to someone, but one thing you should learn to do, eventually, is to become gentle with yourself.

May I also suggest becoming a social bee? I'm not talking about keeping in touch with friends, I'm talking about becoming the sort of person where you are constantly mingling with texting, talking, chatting, going out....I'll update my answer a bit later to explain the benefits of this.

(17 Jul '12, 20:38) Nikulas

@Blesslordy, what would your life be like? I'm sure there's a movie that express that idea! Instead of seeing a councilor, watch that movie. I find my life in Disney movies and Broadway musicals.

You have to sink deep into reality which is similar to the one you'd like to experience yourself. When you do, your thoughts and action will change accordingly. And you will start seeing what has to be done in order to live like that as the nature of your wished for reality uncovers its nature to you.

(18 Jul '12, 03:19) CalonLan

@CalonLan - This feels like the essence of what is changed in me since I started some awakening of my own. I have become much more the person who would live the life I would want. The funny thing is, I'm feeling sooo much better, and I'm finding that I am not thinking or caring much abt the stuff in The Box. The journey truly has become the destination. I've read it 10,000 times, living it is a trip and a half. :)

(18 Jul '12, 11:23) Grace

@Grace, you could have awakened fully already. Just imagine how would you want to spend your day. What would fulfill you the most. Don't hold back, forget who you are and what you know today, what's your life like or what you are capable of doing financially or in any other way. Just dream. Whenever a thought of 'this is too much' comes your way, kick it out of your head. Dream time is made for limitations. Try it and you'll see. Dream of everything you want.

(20 Jul '12, 02:51) CalonLan

@CalonLan - Thank you. I can't tell you how excited that is making me feel. I'm going to take that advice to heart.

(20 Jul '12, 11:10) Grace
showing 0 of 6 show 6 more comments

It doesn't matter how much someone loves you, it matters how much you love them.

You can love someone no matter how they see you. You are allowed to think beautiful things and remember the great times you had. I don't know if that helps, but I found a great amount of peace in learning that.

There are many, many, many people in this world. There are so many new opportunities for better relationships and experiences. The thing is, it's very hard to see if you are letting your thoughts circle around the misery of rejection. I used to let my thoughts run wild and made no effort to change it.... until I realized the only thing that kept those nasty feelings alive was my mind. I actually hadn't seen the person in a year or even heard from them.

But it is hard sometimes.... the good news is, you have plenty of time to figure this out for yourself. Every situation can benefit you, no matter how bad it seems to be.

Also... think about what you really want. You know you don't want to be left or to be heart broken again. You have already felt enough pain over this and are ready to move on... so, what's next for you?

Heartbreak is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But what I've realized is that it's strictly mental... because we only continue to suffer because of the things we say in our heads. "They didn't love me, ill never find anybody, what did I do wrong in life"

These things are not true and only bring you down. You will love again and you can be happy.

If you think about it... is any relationship supposed to last forever? Perhaps some can last a lifetime, but we all pass on eventually. But looking at it differently... can you love someone forever? What if you could love several forever? What if everyone loved everyone else?

Love truly is everywhere... you can find it in anything. You just have to let it in. Do things you enjoy and be with people you enjoy. Try new things, travel, and meet new people. Wear things that make you feel good and eat food that makes you feel energized.

Whenever the painful thoughts tried to creep in, I would say "I love (name), but we didnt work out, and thats okay" And I would let it go.

I am wishing you all the best... good luck!!


answered 17 Jul '12, 13:31

LapisLazuli's gravatar image



"It doesn't matter how much someone loves you, it matters how much you love YOURSELF". That's what I would do, first and foremost. And only after I'm loving myself all the time, I can throw a bit of love here and there for someone else. For you are 'be all and end all' of your life and love. Focusing on 'external' brings heartaches a lot often. But that's something to do with circle of direct and indirect influence. Another topic :)

(18 Jul '12, 03:05) CalonLan

I most certainly agree. I was trying to say that what you feel is important, not what others feel. You can feel love even if somebody else doesn't... it was more about that than any external circumstance.

(20 Jul '12, 11:48) LapisLazuli

"is any relationship supposed to last forever?" There isn't a relationship in the world which lasts forever; someone ALWAYS leaves - PERIOD.

(05 Apr '13, 02:59) ele

@ele possibly in the physical sense a relationship does not last. But in our memories, in reflection one can be in the relationship again or have the feeling of it ,thus not ended. Think about that 1st kiss. Is that gone? It is what you choose NOW .

(05 Apr '13, 03:10) ursixx

@ursixx, if that was the case, why not create fantasy of a perfect spouse? It will never leave. It will be just like the memory, it can provoke the feelings too. I had dreams so beautiful I felt sorry I woke up.

But then perhaps people would realize, nobody "needs" a relationship. And since it's no longer the NEED, it becomes an optional FUN. Thus no-one would cling onto that. Ergo, not worry how to let go. Therefore, stop looking for the perfect match. Life would be more for these folks.

(05 Apr '13, 03:51) CalonLan

@ursixx, do you think we come back because we are theirs? More like because we didn't have enough of them or whatever we were with them for in the first place.

(05 Apr '13, 04:33) CalonLan

Actually @ursixx it's one of my fav quotes I use for the brokenhearted. I don't get any feedback. I was talking about death, death & death. I agree with Cal....

(05 Apr '13, 04:44) ele

@ele, talking about death is amazing. It brings you back to life with tingling feeling of excitement of each breath you still can take.

(05 Apr '13, 05:09) CalonLan

@Cal You make me laugh - Bless your heart. I was thinkin' of what U said about memories... Glad to hear tingling excites you.

(05 Apr '13, 05:48) ele

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach.At work so didn't get to complete thought. So.. well isn't that when 2 people can't get enough of each other that a relationship is special.. Needing is very different from wanting. I need food I want pizza ;) They always go in 3's; death. When we speak of death we think of apparent loss.But do we really lose the one's love. Does the love die with the physical life?

(05 Apr '13, 06:41) ursixx

@ursixx yes death always comes in 3.. My point was No relationship lasts forever cause someone always leaves - you cannot escape death. Love never dies; it's all there is & all that will remain & forever be. Point?

(05 Apr '13, 07:16) ele
showing 2 of 11 show 9 more comments

First off, I have to tell you that there are probably three things in the world that are the pinnacle of the worst possible human experiences you can go through:

  • Death of a loved one
  • Rejection from others, be they male or female, friends or strangers (umbrella term, but let's not worry about this one)
  • Heart break

Each of these experiences has their own nasty, sad, unique feeling to them. So if someone were to ask if heartbreak is the worst thing they can go through, I'd reply with a confident "yes."

Unfortunantly, @Blesslordy, I don't hold the cure for this one. But there are four things I've tested and proven to myself that will help. And these are things you can actually do.

  1. Get busy with your life. Create passion, even if in tiny doses, for random things. Hobbies, friends, new sports or physical activity, what can you do with work?...
  2. Kick your man out of your head. He hasn't payed enough rent $$ to stay in your mind, so whenever he frequents your thoughts, it is especially important to distract yourself and think of something totally different.
  3. Cry when you have to. When you give yourself 'cry time,' give yourself permission to think about your ex, as, obviously, this is the focus source of your sadness. 10- 15 minutes later, you will feel slightly better with a mini emotional reset.
  4. Humour. Whilst all of the above are in some style designed to just distract yourself, laughing hard is a timeless trick that may work better than the rest. A+ for this one.

Hang in there darl. Life can only go up, up and away from here.


answered 16 Jul '12, 22:10

Nikulas's gravatar image


Be honest with yourself and answer following question for yourself?

What do you want from him? What do you still hold your ex-boyfriend accountable for?

Deep inside you there's a debt he made. Or better to say you feel there is a debt of some sort (most probably of emotional nature). And you feel that unless it is settled you cannot seem to let go.

You loved him a lot, he obvious didn't love you the same way, so subconsciously you think he still owes you. But when you decided to love him, it wasn't because you wanted to be loved back. It was because you wanted to love him. Period.

When you help someone, you do it because you want to help, not because you want to have an upper hand and claim a favor back when the time arises, right?

That's all there is to letting go - forgetting imaginary debts we created in our minds and now hold others accountable for.

And just a personal remark, you shouldn't jump into another relationship before you fix the remains of your past. It does do no good, I should know. But I'm not here to judge, it's just a friendly advice.


answered 17 Jul '12, 02:46

CalonLan's gravatar image


"We learn far more from our apparent failures, than we ever do from our supposed successes. Sometimes, though, it takes us a while. When we make a mistake, we can't immediately absorb all it has taught us because it pains us to dwell on the disappointment. Also, instinctively, we know that if we analyse the past too deeply, we risk getting stuck in it." - Jonathan Cainer

Listen, or your tongue will keep you deaf - Native American proverb.

@Blesslordy, be gentle on yourself. You have nothing to gain by being harsh and judgmental towards anyone, least of all yourself. Give yourself some time. Breathe. You will definatly get through this. You will definately be ok.


answered 18 Jul '12, 11:27

Grace's gravatar image


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Asked: 16 Jul '12, 18:34

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Last updated: 05 Apr '13, 07:16

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