This question is marked "community wiki".

Jai showed me this film called Good Will Hunting. Now I want you to know this has nothing to do with Good will- that is just the name of the film.

This film stars Robin Williams and Matt Damon. There is a scene where Matt is talking to Robin and he says to him, "It is not your fault." Robin keeps repeating this and it clearly upsets and bothers Matt. But it did not only upset him, I felt this myself. This resistance to these four words! It was hard to watch that scene of the movie.

(Caution this clip does contain some crude language)

Recently while upset or depressed Jai said to me, "It's not your fault." I said, "No don't say that to me." I could feel those feelings building inside me. These are feelings of "I don't want to hear those words, just please stop saying them." She asked why I can't accept that, I said "Because it is. Everything in my life has to work out or I messed something up someplace. I didn't do good enough. If it is not perfect, it is not good enough."

I think that is partly a reason I like LOA, because I can say everything is all my fault. LOL

I know I'll probably get bashed real good for asking this when I have been having many moments of newfound clarity to think and be in new ways. But I had to wonder if I'm alone in this experience of holding on to self blame when someone is trying to get past that for me.

I am just wondering how does the words, "It's not your fault" affect how you feel if they do?

asked 07 Jan '14, 22:09

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

edited 07 Jan '14, 23:26

Jaianniah's gravatar image



"I think that is partly a reason I like LOA, because I can say everything is all my fault. LOL" kind-of sort-of sounds to me like you think the LOA is the Law of Blame & Shame.

(08 Jan '14, 00:27) ele

Sometimes I'm the cause, sometimes I'm the consequence. I feel responsible only for the cause cases. Has it ever occurred to you that if you meet with someone who practice LOA, one of you is going to have stronger influence over the other most of the time.

Just like a child and parent. Parent will influence the world of the child so strongly, child can practice whatever it wants but in no way will it shape its existence.

LOA is a nice idea, "I create my reality" until the point where....

(08 Jan '14, 02:11) CalonLan

...two people who both create their own reality meet and their creations are about to collide with each other. There are bigger influences in life than yourself.

And honestly, who can say they are cause of every single detail that surrounds them. Noone. And if someone says he is, I'm gonna steal a tank and roll over his house with it to prove him wrong. SRLY, don't get me going...=D But I guess he'd blame it on karma for beating his dog or whatever anyway. Talk about being delusional.

(08 Jan '14, 02:17) CalonLan

Lol! You make it sound like anyone who believes in the LOA is either a control freak, sadistic or a masochist @Cal ~ Life is but a Dream ~ relax & enjoy

oops wrong vid & don't know how that happened try try again

I can't believe it..

Try again.. Merrily Merrily Merrily

(08 Jan '14, 03:35) ele

@CalonLan but if you accept that you have created the collision with the creator. It just is . You roll with it. It becomes a convergence not a collision.

(08 Jan '14, 03:35) ursixx

@ele yea, some lul themselves with relax & enjoy strings. =D And of course they are all control freaks...wanting to achieve total control of their lives, all the forces of the universe, to create the world in the image of their liking. Just lol

(08 Jan '14, 06:02) CalonLan

@ursixx, either we're all to blame for everything or nothing at all. Standing on a shore, watching the incoming Tsunami, do I just roll with it ? Can I accept creating this situation? I can accept going to beach was my idea, I can't accept seismic activity was my responsibility. Or was it, did I released an energy burst which moved the earth, which moved the ocean?

Convergence is delusion, just like the lines of a road converge on horizon, it assumes they are still apart in reality, although...

(08 Jan '14, 06:31) CalonLan

...although they don't appear that way. When a Tsunami hits the shore, it's gonna collide with stuff and end the line of stuff's existence. Stronger force defines the way of life. Whether physically, emotionally or spiritually stronger at any given time it will be the cause, its surround will become its consequence.

Though of course, what has a weaker force to do, but to accept its faith and be moved by the stronger one.

(08 Jan '14, 06:36) CalonLan

Thank you everyone. I do wish to point out these are said not in response to anything specific. They seem to hit deep buried self belief maybe learned as a baby or child growing up that just got struck there. I was never beat like the character in the movie. But I did get put down having brothers you get picked on daily growing up. So those words hit a sore spot when just said when you are feeling down on yourself.

I am enjoying everyone's answer, thanks. There are a lot of good points.

(08 Jan '14, 08:33) Wade Casaldi

in short "it's not your fault" is a double negative(double bind) statement that comes from a place of feeling rejected and unloved and it's this emotion you pick up that resonates with you ... to counter this negative feeling just say to yourself(or out loud) a positive statement such as "you're fully accepted and loved"

(10 Jan '14, 02:10) jaz

@CalonLan As I was reading these comments, I found something you said that was rather amusing. "And honestly, who can say they are cause of every single detail that surrounds them. Noone. And IF SOMEONE SAYS HE IS, I'm gonna steal a tank and roll over his house with it to prove him wrong." Wouldn't you actually be proving him right, since the reason you stole the tank and rolled over his house was , as you said, because of something he said !:)

(25 Feb '14, 11:11) i4cim2b
showing 1 of 11 show 10 more comments

This question hits the nail on the head so to speak; oh yes Wade i know how you feel, hearing the words "it's not your fault" puts you into a double bind situation, you're under the illusion of having a choice but in fact you don't, the more you think about it the more your head spins, and you end up in a dream state unable to focus, hypnotized.

Here's a simple game to illustrate that the person saying the phrase is in a win/win situation; the person throws a coin into the air and says to a friend "heads i win tails you lose".

In other words the person is saying "you have the choice to do anything you want as long as you end up doing whatever i want", it's also known as the catch 22 situation.

alt text

The spoken exterior message is "it's not your fault" and the unspoken feeling message is "it's your fault" and this situation makes you feel anxious or angry.

The best way to handle the situation is to center yourself in the now, realize why you're feeling angry or anxious and examine the situation with compassion, love and understanding. Ask yourself what this person is really feeling

alt text


answered 08 Jan '14, 05:10

jaz's gravatar image



i loved ur answer gp..n i actualy needed it today cos i fought wth my hubby yeterday bt thn i tuk whle responsibility of d fight ..myself said sorry n sorted out all. n the best thing i guess is to say sorry ..whether u hav mistaken or not. it shows that u want ur relationship more than ur ego. the best part is my hubby also always accepts his mistakes n apolojises asap. love,light n blessings ur wayy gp.. :))

(08 Jan '14, 07:26) supergirl

Yes it seems to hit some deeply forgotten buried nerves long forgotten since childhood. Children grow up getting picked on and take it as, "What is wrong with me?" Really it is just "fun" for the other kids and you just happen to be smallest or youngest, or anything different from the others.

(08 Jan '14, 09:05) Wade Casaldi

here's an article giving tips how to handle such a situation

(08 Jan '14, 13:11) jaz

@supergirl hubby? Congratulations Dear & Heartfelt Wedding Wishes ~ May Marriage Blessings Abound!

(08 Jan '14, 18:14) ele

lol, I remember sitting on my sofa when I first read about @supergirl desires to find a right match...and now she got a husband and I'm reading this sitting on that same sofa =D Some people move so fast =D.. well gratz anyway.

(08 Jan '14, 18:32) CalonLan

I didn't know this either @Cal Like they say ~ "those who can ~ do, & those who can't ~ teach." She joined IQ 5 months after you. Get off the couch @Cal ... (said with affection)

(08 Jan '14, 19:07) ele

... and more times than naught, when someone says "It's not your fault" it means It's not your fault. It's a simple statement of fact, nothing more & nothing less. Jai is right. Wade should accept the statement as fact. I do get where Wade is coming from; but I think its unfair to put this on Jai. I don't see this as an example of a dbl bind at all & Jai should not be blamed or made to feel at fault. If someone feels this way it's due their own insecurity or beliefs; not the person >

(08 Jan '14, 19:29) ele

< who said it. The link jaz shared has examples of double blind ?'s & helpful info on handling no win ?'s & provides good examples of effective communication .

(08 Jan '14, 20:04) ele

@ele, Not just yet, but eventually I will. =) I'm not looking for anyone at the moment. The product (me) has not been finalized yet, can't put it up for sale yet =D.

(09 Jan '14, 01:57) CalonLan

@supergirl I do believe I congratulated you on face book or at least liked your post and was intending to get back to it. I congratulate you here, you did have a nice photo of the two of you. :-)

(09 Jan '14, 02:06) Wade Casaldi

I was only teasing you @Cal There are plenty of ppl who "can do" as well as teach. I can't begin to imagine the price you'll fetch. A pretty penny, I imagine & a bargain at any price. You're way too young for marriage any way. I just would like to see you start trusting again..

(09 Jan '14, 02:24) ele

I trust in my ability to achieve anything @ele. If I like what I do, and I care to excel in it, the success is inevitable. Just confirmed it in a pc game a few weeks back I was playing. I reached the highest league, statistically speaking I was better than 99.7% of people in the world =D So much for my boasting lol... But yea, I aim for the great price, either that or I'll carry on by myself in this lifetime, for I would regret everyday, being with someone who I did not think was the one.

(09 Jan '14, 02:38) CalonLan

You rock @Cal I guess if you don't toot your own horn who will? Sharing an accomplishment is not what I call bragging. I'm actually honored you decided to share this. Way to go & Yes, I agree, you can do anything you so desire .

(09 Jan '14, 02:50) ele

@CalonLan 99.7% Wow I'm impressed, great job! I used to crash my Atari 2600 cartridges. Back then they had sloppy programming, sort of like thinking no one will ever make it to a million so I can just stop the program here. It was fun to see the screen go blank. It is like "Yes I beat Demon Attack!" Because of those days I know how you feel, it is exciting and quite an achievement of dedication, performance and persistence.

(09 Jan '14, 02:51) Wade Casaldi

@Wade exactly =D. In the game I played, the league's referred to as D1..I stopped playing the game and decided to go become D1 in real life, which is just another game lol =D.

(09 Jan '14, 03:05) CalonLan

Please do not use Inward Quest comments to chat. Either use the chat box or take it offline.

(09 Jan '14, 03:13) IQ Moderator ♦♦

Oh gosh, comment sheriff's here. I'm outta here, laterz.

Bandito CalonLan =D

(09 Jan '14, 04:53) CalonLan

thank u wade..

(11 Jan '14, 05:56) supergirl

@jaz- Btw, just read your answer to @Wade Casaldi- you could not have been more wrong about my motives. I absolutely have no motives except to support Wade in his feelings. I never even felt what you said I must have felt. I am glad I never saw this post earlier, for I would have gone ballistic! Never assume you know someone else's feelings, esp. on a Forum where you have never met that person. Jeez. And @Wade Casaldi? I will get you for not telling me about this post. Love you dear. ♥

(13 Oct '14, 09:40) Jaianniah
showing 2 of 19 show 17 more comments

kind of makes one think about
who has responsibility
for choices made and that
perceptiveness has to improve

and also that who speaks so
is saying that if they were
in my shoes they would not
have dealt with it better


answered 08 Jan '14, 20:27

fred's gravatar image


the truth is that something are your fault and something are not your fault. if you see a fault is it not a flaw and something that is still in error or not fully know or understand then it can be corrected or understand more for you and every one else benefit? if something is not from you then it is not your fault since you did not make that choice. but since you are aware of it then you could use this opportunity to become more aware seek the truth and correct the flaw.

I could show you a example: if a old man defecate in a park and someone see it as bad and start to intimidate the old man and start verbal and physical abuse and humiliation to prove is superiority to the old man, he is not aware that maybe the old man add no choice to defecate there. and the old man could be him in the future in the same situation then he would know that is way are not good. even if dirt is bad and someone could step in it. not loving your neighbor as your self is even worse.

some will say to you use bad against bad take a crowbar and hit the bully but it is a vicious circle. by so doing you become the bully that you hate and the bully become the victim that you are. so eventually someone else will take that crow bar and when you less expect it will hit you in the face with it. since you are now the bully, then who can you blame? you know what extremes do. find the truth where is the balance? how to find the answer to the problem it is not in extremes since you always go from one extremes to the other when going in extremes. the answer is in the middle you just need to find it. to defend your self sometime you will have no choice to use that crowbar but try every other way first, use that crowbar only if you have no other choice left to defend not to attack.

many are happy to cast stone and very fee are not casting stone. very fee will not receive stone and will be happy and many will receive stone and will not be happy. if you are not aware about something it is not your fault, if you can do nothing about something it is not your fault, but if you are aware about it and do not try to find the truth and solve the problem then yes it is your fault since you could have try and did nothing. so your fault is to not have tried to use your talent to correct the flaw that you are aware about.

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

as for how does its not your fault make you feel? it depends on the context. if it is really not your fault it did not bother you and you might not even been aware of the fault, now that you are aware about it you need to find the truth and the solution and correct it.

if it is you're fault and you are aware about it then it is your fault and need to do something about it.

if it is someone else fault sometime the choice is not yours to make and you have to leave the fault to who it belongs.

also to point at someone else fault sometime is not good he might not be aware about it or might not have found the way to correct it yet and make is choice. so to be insistent about something that is not your concern to boss someone around or to show your self superior will make you be at fault since you are opposite to what you really are so clean the inside of your own cup. and stop looking outside of you to find fault. it is easy to find fault but to find the perfect answer to correct something is not always easy particularly if the context is complex. changing simple things can make big change in the complex context. so being rash and going in extremes is not helping at all. it is better to use the time imparted to you wisely take your time with patience seek the truth and find the answer.

as for it is not your fault someone could say that to someone that dramatize himself or herself on something. or someone might say that it is not is or her fault to not get blame of something that he or she did or did not do. if he or she know he or she would know himself or herself then would he or she need to say it is not my fault to someone else? if he or she know the other does he or she need to say that to that person? if someone blame him or her for something they shall be judge to the same measure. And if him or her need to say that be cause they do not know if they are guilty or not guilty do they know them self then why ask someone else? it falls on one side or the other. That the person is judged or that the judge make a judgment on that person. or that the person is believing that he is judge and want to change the other person opinion about him or herself. then is or her value is mainly from the other then the other is the one that makes the choice in the end. then from what is the first person guilty or at fault or lacking (that say it is not is not my fault)? Lack of knowing him or her self? lack of making is choice by him or her self? then who is at fault the person or the judge? and if the person is not at fault at all then is the judge at fault of judging the person of being at fault? that would mean that the person know the judge better then him or her self. unless the other person did not judge at all. then who is judging? Let there be among you a man of understanding.

Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.


answered 08 Jan '14, 07:46

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 26 Feb '14, 10:46


There are some very good points here. The old man at first I thought should know better. But then as you went on, I thought he might have a bowel problem and there are no toilets around to be found for miles. That changes the situation he might feel bad but really he had no choice but to find a bush quick.

Then the vigilante going after all the bad guys, eventually becomes the same as them to protect the innocent. There is no peace in him because he fights to protect others peace.

(08 Jan '14, 08:57) Wade Casaldi

@wade casildi of course he could have many problem and the other guy that see a problem and want to show is superiority is only showing is inferiority. he is to blind to see that what he is doing is worse then what the other guy did to get this started. so the vigilante is a blind little ego lost in is lack of control of himself.

(08 Jan '14, 13:56) white tiger

@white tiger you posted a foreign video, I can't understand a word of it. Thanks anyway. If it is French Jai could probably understand but not if it is Spanish, maybe it is neither. What language is that?

(08 Jan '14, 17:13) Wade Casaldi

@wade Casildi the video is French from Quebec. it is a man in a park like in the example. with a younger guy that is mad at him because he poop in the park. the second time he see him in the park he goes and shove him saying you live in my park I pay tax for this park you pay nothing and all kind of stupid stuff. Get out of my park I think he forgot that a park is a public space. the old man said to him stop screaming at me you don't need to do this I understand you I just needed to poop. the-

(09 Jan '14, 06:47) white tiger

younger guy told him you need to poop. I need to beat you up. you cannot stop your self from pooping. i should not stop my self from beating you. as you can see the young guy lost control to is ego and did something worse then pooping in the park. to who did he do it? to himself and to the old guy. to solve 1 problem he created more problem not a very effective way to solve problem. not only does the old man have problem and need to poop in a park now he as a young guy out of control making-

(09 Jan '14, 06:56) white tiger

violence on him verbally and physically. refusing is existence in this park. is that how you love and help your neighbor and how you solve problem for you and other? it would have been better for you to give him the plastic bag so he can pick up is poop tell him where there is a bathroom stay silent listen and just go away. if you do not like to get kicked when you are down why do it to other?

(09 Jan '14, 07:01) white tiger

'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

(09 Jan '14, 08:05) white tiger

This is shocking, I didn't see all of that because I stopped watching it when I didn't understand. That is both of your examples in one. I thought you were giving two examples different but they are they are the same incident. If he wanted to stop it he should have called police not hurt him himself. And your suggestions are even better.

(09 Jan '14, 10:15) Wade Casaldi

@wade casildi if you liked dune. you should also watch Excalibur. what is the stone? what is the sword? what is the water? who is the lady of the lake? know what is in your sight and nothing will be hidden from you.

(09 Jan '14, 11:14) white tiger

@white tiger The stone is immovable, it is the solid foundation and therefore is Jesus. The sword is the Holy Spirit. As only the worthy can pull out the sword so too only the worthy can use the authority of the Holy Spirit. Only those born again to Christ. The water is the water of everlasting life. The Lady of the lake is the divine feminine Mary.

(10 Jan '14, 03:19) Wade Casaldi

@wade Casildi are you sure? jesus is the corner stone because he picked up the sword from the stone. before man could not pick it up because they are casting stone and are not worthy. the sword is the spirit. the worthy is the righteous, the merciful, the peacemaker, the pure of heart. Born of water and spirit. holy spirit. the water is the soul that contain the spirit, where one can see is own light reflection. where does the sword return at the end of Arthur life? is it in the lake?

(10 Jan '14, 09:33) white tiger

in the right hand? you know the right hand and the left hand, it is in the prodigal son. the prodigal son desire to divide is father possession and pass from the right hand to the left hand. once he solve is division he go back to the father house to the right hand. rev 1;16 In his right hand he held seven stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.His voice was like the sound of many waters.

(10 Jan '14, 09:39) white tiger
showing 2 of 13 show 11 more comments

Those words are very hard for me to swallow.

I got beaten. I had to rationalize it. I was eight and my room was messy, so I got beat for it. It was my fault. I was what they said. I was a slob, I was bad, I was a bad, bad, bad girl. And when Daddy threw me over the bed, and broke my arm- yeah, that was my fault, too. If I was just a better girl, just a better daughter, and really tried harder...well, then, I would not have a broken arm, would I?

The LOA says I still deserve everything I get. Yeah, I deserve it all.

So when somebody says to me, "It's not your fault".....It makes me cry.

Somehow, It was my fault that Daddy drank too much. It was my fault....Somehow, it was.

It's really painful to say that maybe I wasn't such a bad girl. It's really painful to say that my best just was never good enough...Never good enough, even now.

People hate me even now. They hurt me and do not even know me. Somehow, that is my fault, too.

It makes my heart ache when somebody says, It's NOT YOUR FAULT! If that is true, they why? Why do people hurt me for no good reason? Why? The world just doesn't make sense if it isn't my fault somehow.

In Good Will Hunting, when Matt Damon finally broke down and cried, I cried, too. He got beat in his foster homes. It wasn't his fault. Those people were just bad people, and he got caught by them, and got beat. It goes against all of the LOA stuff. I just cannot believe in the idea that a kid who got his legs blown off by an old land mine somehow attracted it to himself.

There is evil in the world, and Evil could care less about Laws and Love and Rules. It just is.

Evil seems outside of this World, outside of everything.

Those words mix me up, and make me cry.

It is easier to go along with the idea that it was me, me, me.

Yeah, Even Neale Donald Walsch says that we plot this all out before birth, just to experience it.

So I cannot decide the Truth.


answered 08 Jan '14, 21:09

Jaianniah's gravatar image



So when you said "It's not your fault" to Wade, you expected him to feel relief.

The LOA does NOT say you deserve what you get. LOA does NOT judge. You're looking at the LOA like its the Law of Blame & Shame. I think you might get an answer which will help you understand if you ask a new question or maybe someone will give you an explanation which has nothing to do with the LOA.

(08 Jan '14, 22:21) ele

@Jaianniah Sweetie I want you to think of us and remember I need you. This depression will pass, better times are coming.

(08 Jan '14, 22:56) Wade Casaldi

Too late to edit ~ if I could edit ~ I would change the word judge to punish. For the record Jai ~~ you didn't deserve this. The LOA was NOT punishing you.

... and neither is God .........

(08 Jan '14, 23:34) ele

@Jai "those words mix me up and make me cry" ... i grew up in a world of double binds and felt the pain of my mother saying those same words ... even when you think that "people hate me even now" some people love you

(09 Jan '14, 02:27) jaz

Many of us came from abusive dysfunctional homes where we received mixed messages. I recall U saying how your mom was also you're biggest supporter & believed in you. You only shared the good memories. I've heard Jai say many good things about her Dad & talked about their many great discussions. She shared many good memories & she told us about the ABUSE. She said she was his fav. She said she favored him in looks. I don't recall her saying he ever praised her or told her he believed in her

(09 Jan '14, 03:46) ele

"Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity which speak peace to their neighbors, but mischief in their hearts" - psalm 28:3

(09 Jan '14, 03:47) jaz
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

"It's not your fault" is neither an empowering or a disempowering statement.

I would say, when it comes to what I describe below, the statement is a fact.

Many tragedies and, at first, percieved bad events happen in people's lives. It's because, well, it's life, and everything is always changing, everything is always impermanent.

You are a farmer, and you come home to your small farm one day to find an unexpected, mysterious, huge pile of **** in front of your house. The smell is so bad it could make maggots vomit.

There are 2 things to take from this:

1) It is not your fault- you didn't order this pile from the garden shop. You don't recal paying anybody else for it, and it's not even the season for flowers so you don't even need this!

When something bad goes wrong in your life, it is not your fault or intention. You didn't ask for it. It's just happened.

2) What are you going to do with it?

Bury the **** under the ground, fruits will develop shortly afterwards.

Embrace your new experiences, learn from them, and you will find ways to enjoy life in a new way.

**apologies for the words, but I purposly used them to shock readers to get to my point.


answered 12 Jan '14, 07:13

Nikulas's gravatar image



"it's not your fault is neither an empowering or a disempowering statement" ... putting it otherwise, nothing has any value except the value that you give it ... including the phrase "it's not your fault", so is this phrase fact or not a fact? :)

(12 Jan '14, 12:16) jaz

Dont be at the affect of things, be the cause of them.

Make use of what is given to you, utilise your resources wisely and frame circumstances in a way that serves you to grow and move forward through them.

The important fact: never complain, never whine, never mope, don't ever be unconscious and dont be a mainstream sleeping zombie.

If you don't like something, accept it but then get on with things and change it. But don't ever complain; it's lazy, excuse making petty justifications.

(12 Oct '14, 12:03) Nikulas

The word 'fault' is a subjective one. Perhaps a more concise phrase would be to say, 'It was not in alignment with your intention'?


answered 25 Feb '14, 23:38

TGunn's gravatar image


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Asked: 07 Jan '14, 22:09

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