Jai showed me this film called Good Will Hunting. Now I want you to know this has nothing to do with Good will- that is just the name of the film.
This film stars Robin Williams and Matt Damon. There is a scene where Matt is talking to Robin and he says to him, "It is not your fault." Robin keeps repeating this and it clearly upsets and bothers Matt. But it did not only upset him, I felt this myself. This resistance to these four words! It was hard to watch that scene of the movie.
(Caution this clip does contain some crude language)
Recently while upset or depressed Jai said to me, "It's not your fault." I said, "No don't say that to me." I could feel those feelings building inside me. These are feelings of "I don't want to hear those words, just please stop saying them." She asked why I can't accept that, I said "Because it is. Everything in my life has to work out or I messed something up someplace. I didn't do good enough. If it is not perfect, it is not good enough."
I think that is partly a reason I like LOA, because I can say everything is all my fault. LOL
I know I'll probably get bashed real good for asking this when I have been having many moments of newfound clarity to think and be in new ways. But I had to wonder if I'm alone in this experience of holding on to self blame when someone is trying to get past that for me.
I am just wondering how does the words, "It's not your fault" affect how you feel if they do?
This question hits the nail on the head so to speak; oh yes Wade i know how you feel, hearing the words "it's not your fault" puts you into a double bind situation, you're under the illusion of having a choice but in fact you don't, the more you think about it the more your head spins, and you end up in a dream state unable to focus, hypnotized.
Here's a simple game to illustrate that the person saying the phrase is in a win/win situation; the person throws a coin into the air and says to a friend "heads i win tails you lose".
In other words the person is saying "you have the choice to do anything you want as long as you end up doing whatever i want", it's also known as the catch 22 situation.
The spoken exterior message is "it's not your fault" and the unspoken feeling message is "it's your fault" and this situation makes you feel anxious or angry.
The best way to handle the situation is to center yourself in the now, realize why you're feeling angry or anxious and examine the situation with compassion, love and understanding. Ask yourself what this person is really feeling
answered 08 Jan '14, 05:10
kind of makes one think about
and also that who speaks so
answered 08 Jan '14, 20:27
the truth is that something are your fault and something are not your fault. if you see a fault is it not a flaw and something that is still in error or not fully know or understand then it can be corrected or understand more for you and every one else benefit? if something is not from you then it is not your fault since you did not make that choice. but since you are aware of it then you could use this opportunity to become more aware seek the truth and correct the flaw.
I could show you a example: if a old man defecate in a park and someone see it as bad and start to intimidate the old man and start verbal and physical abuse and humiliation to prove is superiority to the old man, he is not aware that maybe the old man add no choice to defecate there. and the old man could be him in the future in the same situation then he would know that is way are not good. even if dirt is bad and someone could step in it. not loving your neighbor as your self is even worse.
some will say to you use bad against bad take a crowbar and hit the bully but it is a vicious circle. by so doing you become the bully that you hate and the bully become the victim that you are. so eventually someone else will take that crow bar and when you less expect it will hit you in the face with it. since you are now the bully, then who can you blame? you know what extremes do. find the truth where is the balance? how to find the answer to the problem it is not in extremes since you always go from one extremes to the other when going in extremes. the answer is in the middle you just need to find it. to defend your self sometime you will have no choice to use that crowbar but try every other way first, use that crowbar only if you have no other choice left to defend not to attack.
many are happy to cast stone and very fee are not casting stone. very fee will not receive stone and will be happy and many will receive stone and will not be happy. if you are not aware about something it is not your fault, if you can do nothing about something it is not your fault, but if you are aware about it and do not try to find the truth and solve the problem then yes it is your fault since you could have try and did nothing. so your fault is to not have tried to use your talent to correct the flaw that you are aware about.
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
as for how does its not your fault make you feel? it depends on the context. if it is really not your fault it did not bother you and you might not even been aware of the fault, now that you are aware about it you need to find the truth and the solution and correct it.
if it is you're fault and you are aware about it then it is your fault and need to do something about it.
if it is someone else fault sometime the choice is not yours to make and you have to leave the fault to who it belongs.
also to point at someone else fault sometime is not good he might not be aware about it or might not have found the way to correct it yet and make is choice. so to be insistent about something that is not your concern to boss someone around or to show your self superior will make you be at fault since you are opposite to what you really are so clean the inside of your own cup. and stop looking outside of you to find fault. it is easy to find fault but to find the perfect answer to correct something is not always easy particularly if the context is complex. changing simple things can make big change in the complex context. so being rash and going in extremes is not helping at all. it is better to use the time imparted to you wisely take your time with patience seek the truth and find the answer.
as for it is not your fault someone could say that to someone that dramatize himself or herself on something. or someone might say that it is not is or her fault to not get blame of something that he or she did or did not do. if he or she know he or she would know himself or herself then would he or she need to say it is not my fault to someone else? if he or she know the other does he or she need to say that to that person? if someone blame him or her for something they shall be judge to the same measure. And if him or her need to say that be cause they do not know if they are guilty or not guilty do they know them self then why ask someone else? it falls on one side or the other. That the person is judged or that the judge make a judgment on that person. or that the person is believing that he is judge and want to change the other person opinion about him or herself. then is or her value is mainly from the other then the other is the one that makes the choice in the end. then from what is the first person guilty or at fault or lacking (that say it is not is not my fault)? Lack of knowing him or her self? lack of making is choice by him or her self? then who is at fault the person or the judge? and if the person is not at fault at all then is the judge at fault of judging the person of being at fault? that would mean that the person know the judge better then him or her self. unless the other person did not judge at all. then who is judging? Let there be among you a man of understanding.
Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
Those words are very hard for me to swallow.
I got beaten. I had to rationalize it. I was eight and my room was messy, so I got beat for it. It was my fault. I was what they said. I was a slob, I was bad, I was a bad, bad, bad girl. And when Daddy threw me over the bed, and broke my arm- yeah, that was my fault, too. If I was just a better girl, just a better daughter, and really tried harder...well, then, I would not have a broken arm, would I?
The LOA says I still deserve everything I get. Yeah, I deserve it all.
So when somebody says to me, "It's not your fault".....It makes me cry.
Somehow, It was my fault that Daddy drank too much. It was my fault....Somehow, it was.
It's really painful to say that maybe I wasn't such a bad girl. It's really painful to say that my best just was never good enough...Never good enough, even now.
People hate me even now. They hurt me and do not even know me. Somehow, that is my fault, too.
It makes my heart ache when somebody says, It's NOT YOUR FAULT! If that is true, they why? Why do people hurt me for no good reason? Why? The world just doesn't make sense if it isn't my fault somehow.
In Good Will Hunting, when Matt Damon finally broke down and cried, I cried, too. He got beat in his foster homes. It wasn't his fault. Those people were just bad people, and he got caught by them, and got beat. It goes against all of the LOA stuff. I just cannot believe in the idea that a kid who got his legs blown off by an old land mine somehow attracted it to himself.
There is evil in the world, and Evil could care less about Laws and Love and Rules. It just is.
Evil seems outside of this World, outside of everything.
Those words mix me up, and make me cry.
It is easier to go along with the idea that it was me along....me, me, me.
Yeah, Even Neale Donald Walsch says that we plot this all out before birth, just to experience it.
So I cannot decide the Truth.
answered 08 Jan '14, 21:09
"It's not your fault" is neither an empowering or a disempowering statement.
I would say, when it comes to what I describe below, the statement is a fact.
Many tragedies and, at first, percieved bad events happen in people's lives. It's because, well, it's life, and everything is always changing, everything is always impermanent.
You are a farmer, and you come home to your small farm one day to find an unexpected, mysterious, huge pile of **** in front of your house. The smell is so bad it could make maggots vomit.
There are 2 things to take from this:
1) It is not your fault- you didn't order this pile from the garden shop. You don't recal paying anybody else for it, and it's not even the season for flowers so you don't even need this!
When something bad goes wrong in your life, it is not your fault or intention. You didn't ask for it. It's just happened.
2) What are you going to do with it?
Bury the **** under the ground, fruits will develop shortly afterwards.
Embrace your new experiences, learn from them, and you will find ways to enjoy life in a new way.
**apologies for the words, but I purposly used them to shock readers to get to my point.
answered 12 Jan '14, 07:13
The word 'fault' is a subjective one. Perhaps a more concise phrase would be to say, 'It was not in alignment with your intention'?
answered 25 Feb '14, 23:38
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