I've been married for a year. We constantly fight due to my being cold or detached. Not showing emotion or comfort when it counts. I get extremely defensive and verbally violent when we argue and I'm clearly in the wrong.

The tone I hear her voice go to makes me angry. I try to control it but I get loud and then I'm numb and couldn't care less what happens. I do care but I'm so numb to it I don't care. I don't know what to do I don't want to lose my wife and I'm trying to get help but I'm trying to see if there's more that I can do or advice someone has. I'm military with multiple tours in combat.

This is my second marriage and my divorce that sided with my ex wife who clearly was at fault doesn't help the added stress that we go through in our everyday life. I just want to see what help I can find or similar cases and to see what is there available besides counseling.

I run, I workout but isn't accessible all the time to help me release the pent-up anger that quickly develops in me. I channel and deal with my rage at work and everything else different but with my wife I don't know we get along when we do and I don't want to lose her.

asked 03 Mar '15, 00:35

wilfredo85's gravatar image


edited 03 Mar '15, 03:05

IQ%20Moderator's gravatar image

IQ Moderator ♦♦

Here's a suggested clearing process:

  • Identify what's triggering you
  • Feel clearly in what part of your body you feel the triggered emotion (that culminates in the rage)
  • Clear that emotion

Here's an example of applying this process to your specific situation...

Identify The Trigger

Seems like her tone of voice could play a part in being your trigger because you say...

The tone I hear her voice go to makes me angry. I try to control it but I get loud and then I'm numb and couldn't care less what happens

You may later notice additional triggers within yourself such as her facial expression, the subjects she brings up, her gestures etc.

Feel The Emotion Clearly

The next time you are calm and centered within yourself (and away from her), deliberately conjure up that tone of voice in your mind.

If that is the trigger, you will feel an uncomfortable sensation in a part of your body. Try to make that sensation as strong as you possibly can in that part of the body so it's as clear to you as it can possibly be. It will feel counter-intuitive to do this because normally we try to suppress uncomfortable emotions, not make them even more uncomfortable :)

That's why it's a good idea to do this when she's not around otherwise making the emotion stronger may lead you into action (i.e. another round of rage against her) which is what you are trying to avoid.

Clear That Emotion

There are many techniques around Inward Quest for "clearing" bad-feeling emotions. If you are new to all of these mind-power-style subjects then EFT might be the place to start. It's quick to learn and easy to apply. You can learn it from YouTube in a few minutes.

Just do your EFT tapping while the emotion (identified above) is at its strongest within you so it's probably a good idea to learn the EFT tapping process first before starting this entire clearing process.

If this clearing process has been effective, you should notice an automatically different reaction within yourself the next time you feel "triggered" by her. If that's not still the reaction you want, just repeat the above process using different identified "triggers" if necessary.

If you keep going with this clearing process until there's nothing left to "trigger" you, you'll find that you'll remain completely calm regardless of what she says or does...and you won't even have to try :)

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answered 03 Mar '15, 03:40

Stingray's gravatar image


edited 29 Jan '17, 14:29

@Stingray - A couple of questions... 1) What exactly do you do to make the emotion as strong as possible? Do you artificially strengthen it in some way? And 2) Does this effectively engage "core issues" and not symptoms? Have you ever had the need to follow up with Manifesting Experiment 4 to drill deeper?

(27 Jan '17, 23:33) WeRadiateBeauty

@WeRadiateBeauty - "What exactly do you do to make the emotion as strong as possible? Do you artificially strengthen it in some way?" - What I do is simply focus upon the "body feeling" until it grows stronger. So if, for example, I feel a dull throbbing at the base of neck, I just focus upon it for a few moments so I "tune into" it more while completely forgetting about the issue that brought up that feeling. Once it's as strong as I can dare make it, I tap it out. If anyone...

(29 Jan '17, 13:57) Stingray

@WeRadiateBeauty - ...reading this has trouble being able to do that kind of thing, the (free) MC2 Method has some useful advice: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/60407 Another thing to try is to increase your emotional senstivity in general using either regular meditation or Vortex alignments. Background info here: How can I reconnect with my emotions?

(29 Jan '17, 14:01) Stingray

@WeRadiateBeauty - "Does this effectively engage "core issues" and not symptoms?" - There's no guarantee it will absolutely hit the "core issue" because many people have made themselves numb to what's really bothering them and tend to skirt around the big issue. But it does get you in the ballpark area, and by clearing some of the "noise", it can lead to greater clarity and insight regarding the deeper issues. To drill deeper more systematically, ME-4 (as you've mentioned) is valuable.

(29 Jan '17, 14:07) Stingray

@WeRadiateBeauty - Also, mainstream EFT itself has a body of knowledge that deals with unearthing the "core issue". It goes by the name of "EFT Aspects".

As for whether I've ever drilled down further...not really. I cleared up many of my "core issues" a long while ago which is how methods like ME-4 got put together in the first place...I just thought about all the difficulties I had in clearing stuff up the hard way and what would have made things easier for me during those times

(29 Jan '17, 14:11) Stingray

@Stingray - Thank you for your thorough and well-detailed responses! Very helpful as always :)

(30 Jan '17, 07:32) WeRadiateBeauty

@WeRadiateBeauty - Just to add... If you want to be precise and make sure to clean up core issues with EFT, I find Gary Craig's work excellent. Very well worth reading and studying his concepts of "specific events" and "aspects". http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/eft-tapping-tutorial.html

(30 Jan '17, 16:07) releaser99

Thanks for posting for the valuable and free EFT resource @releaser I'm sure many people will appreciate it !

(06 Feb '17, 15:29) ele
showing 2 of 8 show 6 more comments

A couple of questions @wilfredo85 and a couple of thoughts...
What you shared with us have you you shared this with your wife?
In your profession in the military you are required to be strong and tough. Don't hold back those so called "weaker" emotions at home, they are actually a sign of strength and trust in a relationship!
Do you know how to meditate? You say you run and workout. These things help you quiet your mind ,true? A workout for for you inner-self is as important as a workout for your physical body.A quiet mind is a strong mind.
Stress? To quote Eckhart Tolle

"All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." ― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

So... a couple of recommendations from a man that has been married close to 30 years. Make "I Love You" the last thing you say to her everyday. Don't go to bed angry, work it out. Don't think of divorce, if you are truly in love and the the thought of not growing old with her scares you ,don't think of divorce. Make it the D word,something you just don't say.
Love between two people is an ever growing thing. And it needs to be nurtured.Like a plant needs water. Express your love often and always,whether you do it with words, gifts ( an unexpected rose ) ,text messages (Remember what is was like when you were courting her I bet there was a lot of texting back then, do the same again), gestures ( You know there is stuff to do around the home that she wouldn't expect you to do .. just do it!).
Remember "It's better to be happy than right" So if she starts to vent and that pushes your anger button, be quiet ,listen through what she has to say, respect her opinion take it to heart.
Read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and Abraham Hicks - Ask and it is given. and I would listen to them also the audio books are great for these two.



answered 03 Mar '15, 03:09

ursixx's gravatar image


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Asked: 03 Mar '15, 00:35

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Last updated: 06 Feb '17, 15:29

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