I've been married for a year. We constantly fight due to my being cold or detached. Not showing emotion or comfort when it counts. I get extremely defensive and verbally violent when we argue and I'm clearly in the wrong.
The tone I hear her voice go to makes me angry. I try to control it but I get loud and then I'm numb and couldn't care less what happens. I do care but I'm so numb to it I don't care. I don't know what to do I don't want to lose my wife and I'm trying to get help but I'm trying to see if there's more that I can do or advice someone has. I'm military with multiple tours in combat.
This is my second marriage and my divorce that sided with my ex wife who clearly was at fault doesn't help the added stress that we go through in our everyday life. I just want to see what help I can find or similar cases and to see what is there available besides counseling.
I run, I workout but isn't accessible all the time to help me release the pent-up anger that quickly develops in me. I channel and deal with my rage at work and everything else different but with my wife I don't know we get along when we do and I don't want to lose her.
Here's a suggested clearing process:
Here's an example of applying this process to your specific situation...
Identify The Trigger
Seems like her tone of voice could play a part in being your trigger because you say...
You may later notice additional triggers within yourself such as her facial expression, the subjects she brings up, her gestures etc.
Feel The Emotion Clearly
The next time you are calm and centered within yourself (and away from her), deliberately conjure up that tone of voice in your mind.
If that is the trigger, you will feel an uncomfortable sensation in a part of your body. Try to make that sensation as strong as you possibly can in that part of the body so it's as clear to you as it can possibly be. It will feel counter-intuitive to do this because normally we try to suppress uncomfortable emotions, not make them even more uncomfortable :)
That's why it's a good idea to do this when she's not around otherwise making the emotion stronger may lead you into action (i.e. another round of rage against her) which is what you are trying to avoid.
Clear That Emotion
There are many techniques around Inward Quest for "clearing" bad-feeling emotions. If you are new to all of these mind-power-style subjects then EFT might be the place to start. It's quick to learn and easily to apply. You can learn it from YouTube in a few minutes.
Just do your EFT tapping while the emotion (identified above) is at its strongest within you so it's probably a good idea to learn the EFT tapping process first before starting this entire clearing process.
If you keep going with this clearing process until there's nothing left to "trigger" you, you'll find that you'll remain completely calm regardless of what she says or does...and you won't even have to try :)
A couple of questions @wilfredo85 and a couple of thoughts...
answered 03 Mar '15, 03:09
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