When we meet certain people, and we dislike specific traits about them, then what this really means is that those traits are what we dislike or are afraid of in ourselves.

Can anybody provide some clarification on the above? I am still struggling with this concept. Maybe you could give some specific examples as well to explain how it's true or how it isn't.

asked 12 Nov '09, 21:41

Pink%20Diamond's gravatar image

Pink Diamond

edited 13 Nov '09, 20:22

Vesuvius's gravatar image


Thanks unknown for your concern about the tagging. But I think its best to not add new tags if the question already has a related tag.

(13 Nov '09, 16:20) Pink Diamond

It is because, when we have the trait in ourselves, we are familiar with it (if only at an unconscious level), and can therefore more readily identify it in others.

Sometimes we have worked to correct the trait in our own makeup, and are irritated when we see that trait in others, especially when they are oblivious to having the trait, or haven't made an effort to correct it.

Anyone who has taken the time and effort to quit smoking will tell you that they tend to be more vocal about smokers around them than people who have never smoked, who tend to just put up with it.

People are not always introspective enough to recognize a trait within themselves, even though they can see it in other people.


answered 12 Nov '09, 22:02

Vesuvius's gravatar image


I like your answer.

(12 Nov '09, 22:09) Pink Diamond

@Vesuvius- Hmmm....My dad is an alcoholic, and I am perfectly disgusted by his habit and his manner when he is intoxicated: yet I am not an alcohlic, so where is the connection there?

(24 Dec '12, 20:57) Nikulas

@Nikulas - I think its really only an example of how it is sometimes, rather than a fixed principle. I used to smoke, and quit years ago. The smell is usually disgusting to me now, but I am very far from vocal about it because I identify with the stuggle - How can I condemn them when I did it for years? And, I know exactly how hard it is to quit. I think its about what you do with what you see and feel. Btw, I lived closely with alcoholics twice in my life, and I know how you feel.

(26 Dec '12, 17:57) Grace
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

Perhaps this was better answered already, and perhaps this was addressed in another manner of style. I'm not sure, but I think another point of view is always welcome; even when that conclusion runs contrary to group attitudes and dynamics made obvious through comments and actions. In any case, I'm not saying that is necessarily an issue here; just a bit of disclaimer. I realize this is an old discussion, but here goes.

Whenever you see someone have a strong reaction to the actions, behaviors, comments, or attitudes of others, it is because that which is found objectionable has hit, as they used to say, very close to home. One might also refer to this as having struck a raw nerve, in American vernacular. When I say "strong reaction" I am refering to those things associated with hatred, anger, violence, rage, uncontrolled outbursts, etc. The reasons why this is so are not readily apparent, and it should not be assumed that it is because they possess the trait themselves. Let me give some examples, if I may.

Homophobia - This is simply the fear of homosexuality, a term often overused and intended as a form of censure for anyone who disagrees with the homosexual lifestyle. Its use is often intended to imply that the one objecting to homosexuality must be hiding similar desires in that one's own persona. Simple fear of homosexuality is not enough to motivate people to hatred and violence. People who act violently toward homosexuals do so because of a self-loathing that may likely be attributable to latent homosexual tendancies, which the person may or may not sense in him- or herself. People who use hate speech may have been harmed by someone with whom they've associated the homosexual lifestyle--perhaps someone who has rejected that person out of desire for a same-sex partner or even someone who has molested them, causing a deep confusion and resentment for both pedophiles and homosexuals.

Pedophilia - Here is another example linked to sexual desire, perhaps explaining why these two areas of human interest generate so many intense and readily apparent reactions. The fact that the weak are being preyed upon by such individuals is enough to generate an intense hatred among many otherwise sober and self-controlled persons. Why this should be so is not so easily dissected. Does that indicate that most people are secretly harboring a desire to harm children? I don't think so. Rather, I think that the reaction itself is more likely linked to the fact that we were all vulnerable once, and so we are, if healthy emotionally, able to empathize immediately with the plight of others.

Necrophilia is another equally unacceptable sexual preference. Why don't we feel the same sense of outrage attached to pedophilia? I think it most likely because of the fact that we cannot relate to the subject of the desire--we could never put ourselves in the place of the dead person. We don't see hate speech directed at necrophiles because it is not as prevalent an issue as homosexuality. Likewise, we do not hear pro-necrophile protests because such individuals are still viewed as complete abominations in our society and most likely fear discovery as much as homosexuals once did.

A similar reaction occurs with regard to Christianity and intolerance. Christians of this age are often accused of being intolerant toward others--if they believe the Bible is true and inspired of God. Some have been intolerant and some have been hate-filled, but those are the exceptions and not the rule. Anytime you hear a Christian spouting hate-speech, you can be certain that the motivation is not a love for God and men, but rather a deep, raw, emotional or mental wound from self-loathing or stemming from a severe betrayal earlier in that person's life. Consider: if you accuse the Christian of being intolerant, what are you doing in that very moment? How are you portraying an example of true, unconditional love? If you are not interested in love, there is no hope, for nothing truly great has ever been achieved without love. You can have your cold hard steel and electric companionship--that is the road we are on as a civilization.


answered 28 Apr '11, 00:53

Infinite%20Seed's gravatar image

Infinite Seed

I believe the traits we dislike in others are traits we dislike in ourselves. Even when we look at rapists, murderers, alcoholics. How is this possible when the person disliking these traits in someone else has never raped, murdered or drank a drop of alcohol? It comes down to our personal experience of the person more than the generalised trait we label them with. The words, "rapist", "murderer" and "alcoholic" all have very similar definitions from dictionary to dictionary but if you take two separate victims of such events and ask them what specifically they dislike about the perpetrator you'll get more varied answers. One persons experience of an alcoholic could be that the drinker was absent, unloving, dependent, irresponsible... and another person might see that their drinker was angry, intimidating, untrustworthy... When we take apart the dislikes we project onto others into what those people/events mean to us as individuals we can more easily find these traits in ourselves. A classic case example was a girl who dispised her boyfriend for raping her while she was to drunk to defend herself. She broke apart the event and her personal experience of the person and found one (amongst many) idea which was, "I was forced to lie there and take it". There was a time this girl found when she was in a room with a guy having sexual relations at a party. She new that in the next room that there was a girl who was in love with the man she was currently sleeping with. There were judgments she had made on herself that evening that were deeply repressed feelings of disgust about what she did. She even made louder moans so that the other girl would have to hear what was happening and know that she was with him. The other girl had to lie there and take it. This was only one thought that surfaced as she was finding herself in her judgements of him. It all comes down to our personal experiences of others and ourselves.


answered 28 Jun '11, 10:21

Craig%20Martin's gravatar image

Craig Martin

Maybe it is more the LOA at work. We attract like people into our lives. When these like people reflect back to us things we don't like, we have an opportunity to look inside ourselves and see what we can work on to improve ourselves and also the people that we attract. That doesn't mean that all negative behaviors are reflections of ourselves, or the fully enlightened people would never have to experience us lowly humans again. Other times, especially when negative behavior is not a reflection of ourselves, and we have moved up in our thinking, people just leave our 'world'. Stingray has a word for it, clattering. So we have a choice, to look inside for clues on ourselves, rise above the situation, be sucked in and entangle with the person, or let them go. It also doesn't mean that we should go around being obnoxious so that others can see their own issues in us.


answered 29 Jun '11, 13:51

Fairy%20Princess's gravatar image

Fairy Princess

edited 29 Jun '11, 19:29

(29 Jun '11, 17:14) Stingray

Yes, clattering. Thank you.

(29 Jun '11, 18:55) Fairy Princess

First, it is obvious that we are sensitized for some certain trains more than for others where we just don't give any damn. So it must have something to do with our being. But it is not always the exact trait that we dislike in others, sometimes it might also be an "opposites attract effect" or "mirror effect".

To give you an example, I for one keep on struggling with authoritarian figures throughout my life. In the family, in the job,... you get the idea. Now there surely is something about me concerning that, because I can see that many other people don't have this issue at all, it is just not in their reality (they might have other problems, mind you). Just what is it then? I surely wouldn't call myself an authoritarian individual. So there might be other traits in me with which i attract these people into my life. I guess I need more confidence to take things into my hands on my own in order to make myself able to be less dependend on them. But after all, I maybe would be an authoritarian ass too if fate let me, so maybe that's the message, who knows? ;-)

We all have our shadows. There are some things that we don't want to admit about ourselves, and thus they are naturally hard to overcome.


answered 12 Nov '09, 23:51

herzmeister's gravatar image


maybe this is a simple question but - how come we don't just like everyone? why do i feel compelled after meeting someone to say, "oh i did not like her vibe". that may be my instincts coming up to warn me. but i also think it is important to analyze what traits in that person made me come to such a conclusion.

let me back up. i once read that everything you dislike about someone else actually represents something that you don't like about yourself. TRIP ON THAT!

when i heard this, it made me think about this person that was once apart of my life. i remember not liking her negativity and her constant need to judge and pick people apart. but now i see that this trait that i found so ugly in her was actually a fear of mine. it was a part of me that i always worried would come out. tucked away was my own desire to critique people and sort their traits into being good or bad. this behavior that was so blatant in my friend that made me cringe was actually an issue of my own. it was something i disliked about myself. yes, this person was not good to have in my life and had to go. but also it was a blessing because it made me look at myself in a new light. and forced me to dig up some of my own insecurities.

i will be honest it's scary. and at first you are going to deny it to yourself. believe me my first reaction was to run from this discovery. i fed myself bullshit that i was this positive person, always free of judgment. let me say this -no one can be something all the time. no matter how great you think one part of your personality is, there is always a flip side. this may be confusing and even disheartening. but uncovering this flip side will release a lot of problems and will open you up to so much more. "the art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them".

so in response to how come we cant like everyone? i think we can. if we do enough digging and reflection of ourselves we can begin to let more people into our lives.

its interesting because after writing this i was thinking of that person that i learned this from... and there is no way in hell i want her back in my life. but i am still grateful for the experience i had with her. i gained something from it. it wasn't a life long friendship- it was more. i gained knowledge about myself. thus i think allowing more experiences and more people to pass through your life makes you a better person and eventually helps you find love in more places.

"With love I will tear down the wall of suspicion and hate which they have built round their hearts, and in its place, I will build bridges so that my love may enter their souls. "

“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” - Tao Tzu

**this is taken from my blog... if you liked it please check out my other postings... www.takeasneed.blogspot.com *****

:) xo


answered 09 Feb '10, 16:29

vanessa's gravatar image


Vanessa, sweet Vanessa, where have you gone.

I didn't read it, I experience it first hand. If I hate on others, it's because I hate on myself.

And as for liking everyone, paradoxically, when I thought I was about to love everyone unconditionally, the need for love disappeared like a morning mist.

(27 Dec '12, 04:18) CalonLan

In my case, I have got to the point of liking my vices (more melancholic in nature) and disliking the opposite ones (more choleric in nature). I think it was a way of accepting myself when I was troubled with my shyness, lack of self confidence and so on. I also cannot put up with the vices that my family expressed at the time when I was living with them. Namely, it was uncontrolled anger. However, as long as the person with the mentioned vice is only my casual friend, I am fine with that. I will accept every vice and look at his/her bright side. The problems begin when I have to live with, or be linked with the person in any other manner (close friend, lover, family are good examples). Then it is hard for me to put up with their anger because it affects me directly. With causal friends, I can just run away.


answered 16 Jun '11, 05:27

Asklepios's gravatar image


If the Universe mirrors back to us everything were putting out there vibrationally, then everything we like or don't like, aware or unaware of, is reflected back to us in the form of people, circumstances and events.

The confusion comes about because most of us just don't have a total awareness of what were putting out there. The emotional signatures / charges we pick up in early childhood, after so long in our awareness, become invisible to our conscious awareness.

So people, circumstances, events that upset you, are actually doing you a favour by highlighting the emotional charges your vibrating out, back to you.

As Michael Brown author of The Presence Process says, when someone or something makes you upset, just think setup.

So it's not always so much what the actual traits are being highlighted but the feeling they highlight. For instance unrelated circumstances can still be manifested by similar feelings.


answered 25 Dec '12, 14:02

Satori's gravatar image


edited 25 Dec '12, 14:45

@Satori - Excellent answer. Its not the circumstance, its the vibration, that matters; how you feel. @Craig Martin expressed the same sort of thing in another way, saying that different people have differing experiences with the same alcoholic, but it's really only all about how you feel about what you experience. Thank you, this helps clarify something that has often bothered me. I didn't have the courage to go through with The Presence Process. Much appreciated. :)

(26 Dec '12, 18:34) Grace

@Grace-Thanks, long time no speak. Hope your well :)

Yes it's not about the subject but the feeling that the subject is highlighting. A dominant feeling in our vibration will manifest a string of unrelated circumstances that match that same feeling. Check out Stingrays excellent answer here for further clarification http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/5569/how-can-i-stop-manifesting-frustration

(26 Dec '12, 18:45) Satori

Intersting staff thanks Rani Oberoi, I often find myself in the same kind of situation and ask myself what part of me looks like me that i am denying or do not like. But on the other side, I also have my own confustion if the saying of " what you don't like in others is always the part of you that reject". Thanks all of you for sharing this thought


answered 12 Jun '11, 17:57

mia%201's gravatar image

mia 1

No, because if you had those traits you despise in others, you would not despise those traits in others. For example I really don't like being around people smashed drunk or stoned high. I can not despise those traits in myself since I don't have those traits in myself. Those are the exact opposite traits that I have. Hence when you despise traits in others, it is because they are traits you do not have, and therefore dislike.

I never drink or do drugs nor do I have any desire for the stuff.


answered 13 Jun '11, 19:55

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

edited 14 Jun '11, 04:31


drunk and stoned aren't traits, they are conditions, or states. Traits are like argumentative, compassionate, etc... Though compassionate isn't a trait that we dislike in others.

(29 Jun '11, 13:41) Fairy Princess

Yes those are conditions however the desire to constantly get drunk or stoned are traits.

(29 Jun '11, 14:39) Wade Casaldi

Being an alcoholic or a druggie is not a trait? Okay then someone that swears all the time, every other word is profanity. I hate that trait and certainly do not have it.

(25 Dec '12, 16:03) Wade Casaldi

drunk and alcoholism are'nt traits. traits are the causes that has led to those conditions for example: want to escape from life, insecurity, dipression etc. also swearing - we nead to ask ourself - WHY does this person swear and the answer is the trait.

(05 Dec '16, 14:05) myself
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

please watch this. it will help u so so so much


love n light



answered 26 Dec '12, 19:47

TReb%20Bor%20yit-NE's gravatar image

TReb Bor yit-NE

maybe at first sight it look that way! but really when you go more deep you are going to see it is not really the traits of the person that is the problem it is the way it is use in relation to other and what it does! because some negative traits are needed to counter negative though and action!(if you do not grasp this yet do not worry you would not grasp me either i am very observant and analysing everything since i was child) so really depending on who you ask the question to people will answer you at the level they are observing and analysing stuff so you will have different response according to the level of realisation! i can tell you that most people do not see what they do to them self to other or in the long term!






answered 12 Jun '11, 07:13

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 18 Mar '13, 13:25

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

When you meet someone and your mind starts analysis of someone's behavior and psychological characteristics than you are breaking down who they are to the fine minute particle of who they really are consciously and even subsciounsly. You are trying to know them as well as they know themselves or even better for you are trying to know why they do the things they do. You are striping there charactacter down to know all of the little parts of it. Than you might have not went to school to do this or maybe you have or maybe you were born with an analysis mind examinating something in close detail to futher understand it. This maybe something your mind does on its own because it is simply able to do it with ease.

It is kind of like when two people first meet for 15 minutes and than they go in an room an are question about what they saw and came to an conclusion of what they knew about a person in that length of time. One will just probably say well they had on the color blue and they were around 25 years of age an they had an nice smile while the other might go into very details of everything they wore, the color of hair, eyes, colonge, size of shoe and they were an saleman by some clue they had pick up on and etc. of seeing what I mean. There are people who are just natural at psychological profiling when they meet you there minds goes to turning it is like an puzzle to them that needs to be solved.

No, I don't think what you are disliking in someone else is what you are disliking in yourself. Now there may be some similar characteristics that you both may or may not share. Yes, there are things about ourselves we do not like and their things about others we do not like. But when you start trying you look at another an dislike parts of their character or behavior that does not mean you are transfering your dislike in your self over to someone else. You can like an person an dislike some of their characteristics or behavior. Now it is more likely you will dislike someone's character of being an drunk and your father was an drunk you will know that is not someone who want to be involved with for you know all the problems it will cause on down the line or road of life.

I will tell you this you can get too involve into those psychological books and analysis of minds an go over the bend in an real way. There is not an human being that understand his self completely and knows everything of what and why is going on mentally we are still on the learning curve so how is it than that an person can go to school an tell you what is going on in your mind and why and he can't tell you what is going on in his mind and why of everything.

So stop psycho analysising so deeply.


answered 13 Nov '09, 07:12

flowingwater's gravatar image


edited 13 Nov '09, 07:45

yes some people do that to a very high degree and they know people better then they know them self! as for the traits it is more when they do some harm that we do not like them! when the traits bring positive result we like them! and some time it can be the same traits use differentely! and sometime something negative can also be use to counter another negative though that will bring a negative action!(so some one seing that trait being negative would not understand why it was necessary if he did not see what someone else though was going to do in that time! and someone would dislike thattrait

(12 Jun '11, 06:57) white tiger

sometimes its because we recognise a trait which is politically incorrect, e.g. racism and which we know originates from our childhood, i.e. from the views of one parent and is frowned upon by the other parent. this makes it difficult for us to reconcile ourselves to someone we see to be racist, both on the personal and cultural level. partly because it reminds us of our inner conflict and the negative stereotypes we try to repress from our world view.


answered 16 Aug '10, 01:44

jenny%201's gravatar image

jenny 1

Great question.

I believe that there are a few sides to this question.

For example, I dislike people who are murderers and rapists. I do not have any of these traits so disliking here is not a reflection of myself in any way.

On the other hand, then there is herzmeister der welten issue above with authority. that has all to do with himself, not authority.


answered 16 Aug '10, 16:07

Back2Basics's gravatar image


Yes, I believe this to be true. I believe it to be so because we trigger a thought, feeling or emotion that we currently have or had at one point and time or believed to be negative in ourselves and recognize it in others.

I also believe that we sometimes recognize traits in other people that we do not like and make a strong conscious decision to be the total opposite of that. For example, someone close to me is habitually LATE, and I have always been a very prompt individual simply because this was something that bothered me growing up.


answered 16 Aug '10, 19:32

figure8shape's gravatar image


Sometimes perhaps we dislike traits in others we dislike in ourselves, but not always. I know someone who reminds me of my mother (self-centered, loud, sometimes absolutely nasty to those she is supposed to love). I'm not at all like my mother and seeing her traits in this other person brings back bad memories. That is why I dislike her - she reminds me of someone unpleasant who hurt me.


answered 24 Dec '12, 19:58

BabyKat's gravatar image


Here is an article that explains it very well: http://elitedaily.com/life/what-you-hate-about-yourself/1024464/


answered 05 Dec '16, 10:24

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