Trying to manifest the absence of someone seems like the opposite of LOA. Following my internal emotional guidance I feel strongly that it is time to move on from my marriage, even though we live peacefully together.
He is very depressed about this, which makes me feel bad, but that doesn't feel like reason enough to stay. It would be so much easier if he would accept this and not make it emotional and difficult. I care about him and don't want to be responsible for his misery.
I am treating him with compassion and love and doing my best to keep my thoughts bright and not dwell on the ill effects this will have on him or his family. It may seem selfish to people, but I know this is what needs to happen because the alternative makes me feel like I am stuck.
How can I navigate this tough time so both of us come out unharmed? He is already an emotional wreck and I would love to get the universe to help out.
Everyone I have sought advice from says this cannot possibly go easily and without hurt and pain, but I don't believe it has to be that way. We do have a long history together, so it may take time.
I was in a relationship once where the "other party" decided to leave. I was devastated, and made the other person's life a living hell for awhile trying to convince her to come back.
In looking back on that part of my life, I realized that, initially, it was finding out that she was leaving that turned my world upside-down. Wrapped up in that realization are all sorts of feelings related to one's self worth, that you are somehow no longer worthy of this person's interest and affection.
Whether you believe people are responsible for their own emotions or not, it is always unsettling when something that fundamental changes in your life. However, once I realized that she had made her decision, and she wasn't going to come back, I was thereafter making my own self miserable. That was my decision, not hers.
Some people will use this as a form of control: "I can't be happy unless you are here." Anyone who says that is giving over their personal power to someone else. It is better that he learns how to be happy on his own, rather than being dependent on you for his own happiness.
There isn't any way to make it (naturally) painless, because you do care about this person, but being sure in your own convictions about what the right thing is to do will lessen the pain.
If breaking off the relationship was your decision alone and he wasn't OK with that, then because he is being forced into a change in things, he is probably not going to like it. There will be attempts at making you feel guilty, there will be pain, tears, pleas and so forth. No way around that. I've been through a divorce and have seen many family and friends go though break-ups as well. It just isn't going to be easy. Be careful with your caring and compassion though...those are wonderful states, but don't give him any mixed signals, or it will only be more painful in the long run. I would say make a clean break as best you can, and let him sort out his own feelings. Don't draw it out, which is bad for both of you. It isn't heartless to move on, it's heartless to keep encouraging a doomed relationship, so don't feel bad or guilty.
I once read about an exercise where you go to your meditiative level, clearly envision a string between your heart and that of the other person, and then cut it with a scissors. Tell the other to go in peace. I tried this once and found that it did help, so much so, that I only had to repeat it a couple of times.
answered 01 Jul '11, 22:21
As long as you act in a kind and compassionate way, you are not responsible for anothers feelings. You love and care and be gentle with anothers heart and hope for the best...for them.
I can see why he might get devastated, your words portray you as a wonderful person and I am sure you are.
I personally am very thankful for the devastating hurt I got when my girlfriend left me. Of course not at the time :))
answered 01 Jul '11, 22:43
Great advice from all of the above.
The only thing I would add is that a certain amount of pain or suffering will be inevitable in the break up especially if it is a long-term relationship, but the amount of acceptance or resistance will determine to what degree each of you will suffer.And acceptance is no easy task when it comes to a relationship ending.
And remember that you cannot be responsible for his misery... that can only be determined by his own choice to accept or resist what's happening.
Take some solace in the fact that you are coming from a place of love and compassion, and endeavour to hold that space without being drawn into his drama. Maybe at some future point in time he will come to realize that, by orchestrating this,you did in fact do both of you a favor.
answered 02 Jul '11, 01:17
Teach him EFT. Do it enough in front of him that he could do it on his own. Tap in front of him on things like, "This pain from the divorce," and pray outloud for him. It would be helpful for him to see that it's not fun or easy for you either and that you do care about him. He needs to feel loved, so if you can make him feel loved even though you are leaving, that would help him. Without know why you are leaving limits what I can say. Was he abusive or just depressed? That kind of thing might affect my answer. Blessings
answered 02 Jul '11, 13:33
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