I have always kept my anger tightly controlled...but I am finding that it is leaking out in other ways...how can I slowly let the lid off this pressure cooker without an explosion?
February 11, 2012: EDIT: Please see my own answer below to find out how I finally resolved my rage. Thank you. Jai
I ran across this question and wanted to clean up the errors. Its been nearly 7 years since I tried to answer your question and as much as I would like to change my answer, BA was awarded. Emotional Abuse/Rape is often harder to get over than physical abuse. I know I've been hard on you @Jai . Not an excuse, an explanation. It's because you remind me of someone I knew and yes, your also also a reflection but not because I had the same experiences as you. Her childhood was a nightmare and more difficult than yours. Unlike you, she was financially well off and very well educated. She had a degree in social work and masters in English. She was an educator. She never got over it. She couldn't accept the past. More than anything she wanted an apology and her mom's love. Neither came even though she sat at her mother's deathbed day and night the last few weeks of her life waiting and waiting and ran anytime she needed something. She had many of the same physical maladies as you but not the mental. They worsened and multiplied after her mom's death. One year, on Christmas Day, her illnesses took her life. She was only a couple years older than you. She wanted sympathy and her pain validated over and over and over again. Her fathers family, her half-siblings distanced themselves. Whether she realized it or not, she used her trauma as a weapon to control people. They had a good childhood, she didn't. If I tried to make a suggestion, she would say she already tried that, it didn't help or bring up the past. Start sobbing and I would back off and give her sympathy. Sympathy is not empowering and neither is selfpity. I don't have the answer. I wish I did. I agree with your assessment, I think it's an anger issue which you directed inward. I hope you figured it out and your life is much better now.
Original answer w/a little cleaning 2-11-2012
Yes, I have a speed bag and boxing gloves. It's great therapy for blowing off steam be it from frustration or exasperation or in your case rage. To answer your question, I resort to tears. A good cry, feeling all the emotions and then try to let it go.
"Do you know what my goofy father did?" "goofy!" I certainly hope by goofy you meant your emotionally disturbed father or your mentally ill father! It was physical, psychological and spiritual abuse. He cast you aside like a stinkin' bag of garbage! A father is supposed to protect you. He made you feel worthless. The message was ~ you're NOT good enough. You don't matter. You have NO value. What a blow to a little girl's self esteem.
If your therapist encourages you to write it down. Get it all out, once and for all. Then burn it. release it, letting the pain go up in smoke. You will have NO need to tell the story ever again. This doesn't have to be you identity and whether you know it or NOT; you're choosing it.
Stingray gave you very good advice on your PTSD thread. Quoting Stingray ~ "The only person who is keeping those experiences alive for you right now is you with your self-talk, affirmations and regular focusing of your attention on those events." Did you think about what he said? Did it resonate with you at all? He's right, you are the ONLY one keeping the story "alive" and if you can't find a way to let it go, it's going to kill you one way or the other. If you think about it; it's tried to, more than once. It's consumed most of your life; taking such a toll on you. Aren't you getting tired of carrying this burden? Of being a VICTIM? Can you find a way to let it go, for your sake and the sake of your loved ones?
I am truly sorry this happened to you and I hurt for that little girl. Jai, you have to STOP giving it life. STOP giving it power. STOP being a victim. I say this with the best of intentions and with love. I'm not trying to hurt you. You're doing a bang up job of that, yourself. I want you to become whole.
If you are going to tell your story - tell the truth - don't sugar coat it. Don't make excuses for what he did to you. It was wrong. You didn't deserve it. (resolve, release and let it go). I also know it's not that easy. I wish it was.
I apologize Jai. I was so engrossed in the details, I wasn't listening. I saw you attach yet another "label" to yourself. MPD. I saw a father who NOT only broke your wrist but wouldn't even man up. He allowed you to suffer for months until your break healed. The fracture mended, but you didn't. It's 50 years later and you are still suffering. I am thrilled to hear you are finally being integrated. Finally able to feel the emotions you kept bottled up all these years. Isn't joy wonderful? W/o joy; your light cannot shine brightly and you will continue to manifest based on the way you feel. Now you will begin attracting what you desire. Oh, and I loved your poetic analogy of the "Beast". You are a very gifted writer, Jai. Who am I to say don't write a book. Your wish (choice/decision) is to be heard and your pain validated. I don't know what it is like to keep such painful secrets for over 50 years and I certainly do NOT know what it is like to keep my emotions bottled up ALL my life. Please accept my apology....
It's never a good idea to keep negative emotions bottled up. They will either find their way out with an explosion as you put it, or they will "eat" you from the inside out with disease. There are many effective ways to deal with them. I just did two searches on Google and YouTube for "How to deal with negative emotions" and found tons of stuff. You will probably want to do some research and experimentation to find the best way for yourself. However since I happened to be here, I'll give you one of my favorite ways that will be easy for you to learn and do very quickly because it's explained by many people who know of it's value. Go to You Tube and search "EFT". Many people will instruct you in how to do it. Then click on this link to tap on anger with Brad Yates, one of the experts in EFT... Click here for EFT. Just watch the video and others like it and you'll learn a very effective way to deal with anger in a very short time. There are also other ways that I'm sure other people will share with you so I won't hog it all up.
But learning EFT or any other modality is much like learning to play Chess. One can learn how the pieces move and the basics of the game very easily. But proficiency at the game comes from experience. So be patient with yourself as you apply the tools you will learn about from people here. Know that as you plumb the depths of your emotions that sometimes they may not easily give up their secrets. What seems like simple anger can be part of something called a "complex" where emotions come in layers where deeper emotions hide beneath the apparent ones. So one must be persistent in the pursuit of the source of the upset. Keep asking and focusing on the emotion and form your questions about it until you can apply the techniques and get true relief. Also, that you have asked your question shows that you are ready to find the answers. My best to you in your pursuit of emotional freedom.
Anger is a difficult emotion for most people. They don't like it. Your parents wouldn't have liked it which is why you will be trying to keep a lid on it.
You could try and get rid of it by using techniques such as EFT, deep breathing etc but that is the same thought pattern as putting a lid on it-( it is bad, I shouldn't be feeling this, etc).
I accepted that my anger was ok and wouldn't beat myself up about getting angry but this had limited success because I was still always angry. Then I got it. I realised that my anger was resentment because I was doing things that I didn't want to do.
So I started saying no. I kept asking myself, why am I doing this? If deep down I didn't want to I would refuse to do it. That made me very unpopular and I felt a lot of guilt.
Guilt is a very uselful emotion in recognising if you are being controlled. Guilt would have been used to control your actions as you grew up so tell it shut up.
Saying no, and being from my perspective very selfish, has really started to work in my life. I am no longer angry and I no longer, most of the time, do what I don't want to do.
Last point: this is a very hard thing to do and over the two years I have been doing it my children have had to leave the private school that they loved, I left my teaching job and didn't find anything else and I nearly lost my home. But then do you want to be remembered as an angry, resentful person. That's how my kids saw me. I was mean to them, shouting, narky.
So question everything you do. Do you want to do it? If not why are you doing it? Then say I am not doing it because I don't want to. No rational argument, no pros and cons just that you don't want to do it so why are you doing it.
answered 04 Feb '12, 05:54
answered 05 Feb '12, 00:10
bring the rage out from hiding
answered 04 Feb '12, 07:06
Yes Jai we can all understand hidden rage and the impression of extreme frustration, it is in such moments that we "make or break" ... rage is huge energy, try to canalize this energy into something constructive ... it's the moment to take that quantum step into an expanded dimension, it is in such moments that heroines are made
take care :)
answered 04 Feb '12, 02:57
ANSWER FROM JAI
I have had a magnificent breakthrough with my trouble over rage and anger....I thought that I would tell you all about what I am doing, as it has already made a HUGE difference in my mood and attitude; it is nothing short of miraculous for me.
You must understand that I was not allowed to show my anger as a child in any way whatsoever. If I did, I was beaten. One time, my Dad got so angry that he threw me across my bedroom. I fell over the bed, and broke my left arm. Later that night, after my Mom was asleep, he took me to the hospital to get my arm x-rayed as it hurt so badly. My wrist was broken. They casted it. Do you know what my goofy father did? When we got home, he cut off the cast from my arm, so he would not get reported for abuse- also so my mom would not know what he had done. For weeks, I had to hold my wrist in place with my right hand to keep it from hurting.
It still aches to this day.
Now...about that secret...If you have been following the "Jaianniah Soap Opera", you will know that I posted a question about secrets on IQ about a week ago. My secret is that I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder...or what used to be called "MPD". I have a "part" called "The Beast" that has been holding all my anger for me all these years. Here is an excerpt from a book I am writing about my life about this Beast:
THE BEAST I AM RAGE. I AM ANGER. I AM CHAINED UP IN THE LABYRINTH FOR A REASON: IF I GET LOOSE, I CAN HURT AND MAIM AND DESTROY. I GOT LOOSE IN COLLEGE ONCE, AND I WRECKED EVERYTHING IN JEAN'S WHOLE DORM ROOM, INCLUDING TEARING UP HER BOOKS AND HER CLOTHES. I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO JEAN. HER PARENTS TAUGHT HER TO NEVER BE ANGRY, ESPECIALLY AT THEM. ANGER IS TOO DANGEROUS AN EMOTION TO LET LOOSE. I DO NOT KNOW HOW I GOT STARTED NOR HOW I WILL END. I AM NOT REALLY A “PART”. I AM JUST THE SUM TOTAL OF ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS AND RAGES OF A LIFE UNEXPRESSED. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET TOO CLOSE TO ME. I AM DANGEROUS TO SEE; DANGEROUS TO BEHOLD.
As I mentioned above, the rage has started to leak out, especially in the form of devastating migraine headaches.
I suddenly realized that I had better deal with my rage, or it would deal with me! This morning, I had a breakthrough. Wade is a Karate Instructor (he holds a Sixth-Degree Black Belt in Karate, and teaches it for a living.). He has his own Dojo, and there, in the Dojo, are two "Wavemaster" padded punching "posts". Just this week, his friend, Joanne, out of the blue, gave him a pair of punching gloves, just in case he wanted to use them as teaching aids.
So this morning, I convinced Wade to go with me to the Dojo, and allow me to punch with those gloves on, and scream out all the hurt and rage I have been holding inside myself. At first, he said I was "pulling my punches", but as I got going, I really began to scream and beat the hell out of that bag. (Please pardon my French.)
It worked! It really did! I spent half an hour screaming and punching. Later on today, I experienced a feeling I did NOT recognize at first: pure JOY!!! I was the Vortex for a while!!!
I plan on continuing with this therapy indefinitely...until I am punching correct Karate punches, and can join a regular Karate class, where I can vent "ordinary" anger productively.
I highly recommend this therapy if you have been abused. It works! It really does!
I just wanted to share this with all of you. Thank you so much for caring about me.
P.S. I give great credit to my patient darling, Wade! He deserves some pats on the back for this!
In the Michael Teachings they said the cause for anger was always due to expectations. So I guess a fundemental shift could take place if you could recognize why and how youve been disappointed.
When my anger is focused on a person, Ive had some great success in withdrawing it through a simple exercize: I write the offenders name on a piece of paper, put it in a baggie, fill it w water, freeze it for several days until I feel ready to finally discard it. The effect on the other person is often amazing as well. They often act as if theyre glad to see me. Refreshed, like an old burden has been lifted from their shoulders. If anybody can explain the reason for that Id like to hear it.
answered 04 Feb '12, 13:51
Do EFT, and afterward do Matrix Reimprinting. It will relieve you. Remember, it took time to build the anger, so, be patient in your healing path. Namaste-Peace.
answered 04 Feb '12, 14:15
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