I have always kept my anger tightly controlled...but I am finding that it is leaking out in other ways...how can I slowly let the lid off this pressure cooker without an explosion?


February 11, 2012: EDIT: Please see my own answer below to find out how I finally resolved my rage. Thank you. Jai

asked 04 Feb '12, 02:14

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 11 Feb '12, 05:47


Thank you all for such great answers! <3

(04 Feb '12, 07:49) Jaianniah

Thanks for the great question that allowed others to provide great answers. =)

(04 Feb '12, 15:02) Snow

Yes Jai (aka Demi) I have a very good memory & I'm also quoting you. "ele You have a good memory!" ~ Jai 2-13-12

The comments tell the story. The comments & Jai's answer explain my edit a couple hours after I posted my original answer on 2-11-12 ..

I was a newbie when I answered the question.

Thanks for best answer Jai.

(25 Nov '13, 07:06) ele
showing 1 of 3 show 2 more comments

Edit 12-21-2018

I ran across this question and wanted to clean up the errors. Its been nearly 7 years since I tried to answer your question and as much as I would like to change my answer, BA was awarded. Emotional Abuse/Rape is often harder to get over than physical abuse. I know I've been hard on you @Jai . Not an excuse, an explanation. It's because you remind me of someone I knew and yes, your also also a reflection but not because I had the same experiences as you. Her childhood was a nightmare and more difficult than yours. Unlike you, she was financially well off and very well educated. She had a degree in social work and masters in English. She was an educator. She never got over it. She couldn't accept the past. More than anything she wanted an apology and her mom's love. Neither came even though she sat at her mother's deathbed day and night the last few weeks of her life waiting and waiting and ran anytime she needed something. She had many of the same physical maladies as you but not the mental. They worsened and multiplied after her mom's death. One year, on Christmas Day, her illnesses took her life. She was only a couple years older than you. She wanted sympathy and her pain validated over and over and over again. Her fathers family, her half-siblings distanced themselves. Whether she realized it or not, she used her trauma as a weapon to control people. They had a good childhood, she didn't. If I tried to make a suggestion, she would say she already tried that, it didn't help or bring up the past. Start sobbing and I would back off and give her sympathy. Sympathy is not empowering and neither is selfpity. I don't have the answer. I wish I did. I agree with your assessment, I think it's an anger issue which you directed inward. I hope you figured it out and your life is much better now.

Original answer w/a little cleaning 2-11-2012

Yes, I have a speed bag and boxing gloves. It's great therapy for blowing off steam be it from frustration or exasperation or in your case rage. To answer your question, I resort to tears. A good cry, feeling all the emotions and then try to let it go.

"Do you know what my goofy father did?" "goofy!" I certainly hope by goofy you meant your emotionally disturbed father or your mentally ill father! It was physical, psychological and spiritual abuse. He cast you aside like a stinkin' bag of garbage! A father is supposed to protect you. He made you feel worthless. The message was ~ you're NOT good enough. You don't matter. You have NO value. What a blow to a little girl's self esteem.

If your therapist encourages you to write it down. Get it all out, once and for all. Then burn it. release it, letting the pain go up in smoke. You will have NO need to tell the story ever again. This doesn't have to be you identity and whether you know it or NOT; you're choosing it.

Stingray gave you very good advice on your PTSD thread. Quoting Stingray ~ "The only person who is keeping those experiences alive for you right now is you with your self-talk, affirmations and regular focusing of your attention on those events." Did you think about what he said? Did it resonate with you at all? He's right, you are the ONLY one keeping the story "alive" and if you can't find a way to let it go, it's going to kill you one way or the other. If you think about it; it's tried to, more than once. It's consumed most of your life; taking such a toll on you. Aren't you getting tired of carrying this burden? Of being a VICTIM? Can you find a way to let it go, for your sake and the sake of your loved ones?

I am truly sorry this happened to you and I hurt for that little girl. Jai, you have to STOP giving it life. STOP giving it power. STOP being a victim. I say this with the best of intentions and with love. I'm not trying to hurt you. You're doing a bang up job of that, yourself. I want you to become whole.


If you are going to tell your story - tell the truth - don't sugar coat it. Don't make excuses for what he did to you. It was wrong. You didn't deserve it. (resolve, release and let it go). I also know it's not that easy. I wish it was.


I apologize Jai. I was so engrossed in the details, I wasn't listening. I saw you attach yet another "label" to yourself. MPD. I saw a father who NOT only broke your wrist but wouldn't even man up. He allowed you to suffer for months until your break healed. The fracture mended, but you didn't. It's 50 years later and you are still suffering. I am thrilled to hear you are finally being integrated. Finally able to feel the emotions you kept bottled up all these years. Isn't joy wonderful? W/o joy; your light cannot shine brightly and you will continue to manifest based on the way you feel. Now you will begin attracting what you desire. Oh, and I loved your poetic analogy of the "Beast". You are a very gifted writer, Jai. Who am I to say don't write a book. Your wish (choice/decision) is to be heard and your pain validated. I don't know what it is like to keep such painful secrets for over 50 years and I certainly do NOT know what it is like to keep my emotions bottled up ALL my life. Please accept my apology....


answered 11 Feb '12, 00:49

ele's gravatar image


edited 21 Dec '18, 23:28


No apologies necessary, ele! There is truth in EVERYTHING you pointed out. I HAVE been playing victim. But NO MORE!! By writing the book, I am finally "telling on" those s.o.b.'s who thought it was great fun to Ritually Abuse me and then return me to my totally clueless parents who thought it was "normal" for me to sit for hours in closets...Have constant screaming nightmares...suffer migraines routinely by the time I was 9. And to top it off, my parents used me for a slave. [more below]

(11 Feb '12, 05:23) Jaianniah

So, you see, by PUBLICLY saying these things, I AM LETTING GO!!! I have never TOLD on those lousy bastards and bastardesses who hurt me...Until now! And my "system" is rejoicing! Pure JOY is running through my veins! That punching bag AND this posting have done more for me than 22 years of talk, talk, talk with therapists! THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW THAT THIS STUFF GOES ON!!!! THE WORLD NEEDS TO RECOGNIZE THOSE CHILDREN WHO ACT LIKE ME ARE BEING ABUSED. Trust me. I am finally telling on them...vvvv

(11 Feb '12, 05:30) Jaianniah

So thank all of you! Rejoice! Be HAPPY for me! and, when it comes out.....READ MY BOOK. I am hoping it will save thousands of people endless hours of unnecessary trekking around, always asking themselves, "Why am I like this? Why do I act like this?" If I help ONE CHILD, SAVE ONE CHILD, then all my experiences will not have been in vain...Bless you, and Bless IQ.....Love you all! Celebrate!

(11 Feb '12, 05:34) Jaianniah

P.S. I am not quite as old as you think I am, ele!! LOL! It's been forty years, not fifty! LOL>>>>><3

(11 Feb '12, 05:41) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah Thank you Jai. I do celebrate with you.

Sorry about the age thing - I thought I recalled you saying, you grew up in the 1960's in IL (tornado). I assumed you were born in the late 50's & I guess I thought you were very young when your wrist was broken. Wouldn't that be about 50 years ago? If not, take dramatic license - it sounds better.

(12 Feb '12, 22:58) ele

@ele We are both right...in a way. You have a good memory! I was born in 1956...and my wrist was broken in 1964....but the abuse went on until I left home at 17 (1974). Does that help? The reason I hate my age is that I am ten years older than Wade...but it does not really matter to us. (Just me LOL). There. The record is straight! Love ya! <3

(13 Feb '12, 07:19) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah If this helps any - I thought you were in your thirties until I read the dream thread regarding the tornado. I figured Wade was younger from some of his comments. Way to go Jai - you must be hot stuff - not every woman can attract a younger man!! Own it!

(17 Feb '12, 03:01) ele

@ele- The world seems to be changing...Thank goodness...If Wade was ten years older than I, then everything would be "hunky-dory"...But when this is turned around, then the couple is considered weird or something...I don't know if I am "hot stuff" or not LOL! But Wade and I have had a relationship that goes back to 2004 when we began emailing each other about Reiki healing....My marriage was DOA but I denied it for the sake of my 4 kids...Wade and I have only been a couple for a year...(read on)

(17 Feb '12, 03:27) Jaianniah

@ele - We grew closer through email, then IM, then phone calls by 2009...by last year, we were spending 8 hours a day in contact with each other...On 2.14.11, I finally proposed to him the proposition that we had more than friendship...I flew up to PA right after that ...the rest is blissful history...I am very happy, although twice people have assumed I am his mom...ouch...and LOL...Thanks for respoding and your friendship! <3 Jai

(17 Feb '12, 03:32) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah You make me laugh.. I burst out laughing when you said twice people thought you were his mom! It was envy. Obviously you have something they don't. Wade must be a boyish 45. Honestly Jai, I don't think it's weird at all. Many (most) of my friends of all different ages prefer their men younger. We like our arm pieces too (kidding). Women live longer & we're more independent than ever before. You know, 50 is the new 40 - so I guess you & Wade are the same age.

(17 Feb '12, 05:01) ele

continued.. You've known each other a very long time & I'm truly happy for you & wish you & Wade only the best. . We may not have had the same experiences or am I as old as you (sorry); but in many ways we are kindred spirits. We're all connected. You represent real people struggling to evolve & you make me smile... Blessings.......

(17 Feb '12, 05:04) ele

You made ME laugh...Yeah, I am the Demi Moore of Inward Quest! Thanks...Again! People at our church finally found out my real age, freaked out, did not believe it, and did not believe that I was 10 years older than him...But he and I are so close and alike in so many ways it is almost eerie. I am glad I make you smile. I hope I continue to do so. Love you! Jai

(17 Feb '12, 07:22) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah laughing again - Demi Moore of IQ. haha I guess you are? But now I'm confused - So the people in your church don't think you are as old as you really are & think you & Wade are about the same age. So why did you let it bother you when 2 people thought you were his mother? Told you they were just being spiteful - did you deck them?? Still smiling.......

(18 Feb '12, 00:52) ele

quoting you @Jai Yes, I have a very good memory.

(25 Nov '13, 06:31) ele
showing 2 of 14 show 12 more comments

It's never a good idea to keep negative emotions bottled up. They will either find their way out with an explosion as you put it, or they will "eat" you from the inside out with disease. There are many effective ways to deal with them. I just did two searches on Google and YouTube for "How to deal with negative emotions" and found tons of stuff. You will probably want to do some research and experimentation to find the best way for yourself. However since I happened to be here, I'll give you one of my favorite ways that will be easy for you to learn and do very quickly because it's explained by many people who know of it's value. Go to You Tube and search "EFT". Many people will instruct you in how to do it. Then click on this link to tap on anger with Brad Yates, one of the experts in EFT... Click here for EFT. Just watch the video and others like it and you'll learn a very effective way to deal with anger in a very short time. There are also other ways that I'm sure other people will share with you so I won't hog it all up.

But learning EFT or any other modality is much like learning to play Chess. One can learn how the pieces move and the basics of the game very easily. But proficiency at the game comes from experience. So be patient with yourself as you apply the tools you will learn about from people here. Know that as you plumb the depths of your emotions that sometimes they may not easily give up their secrets. What seems like simple anger can be part of something called a "complex" where emotions come in layers where deeper emotions hide beneath the apparent ones. So one must be persistent in the pursuit of the source of the upset. Keep asking and focusing on the emotion and form your questions about it until you can apply the techniques and get true relief. Also, that you have asked your question shows that you are ready to find the answers. My best to you in your pursuit of emotional freedom.


answered 04 Feb '12, 02:58

Rindor's gravatar image


edited 04 Feb '12, 03:46

@Rindor, the website software will always interpret a YouTube link as a link to a direct video since this is what is required on the vast majority of occasions. To get around this, if you want to link to YouTube search, use a free URL shortening service like TinyUrl.com to "hide" the YouTube link

(04 Feb '12, 03:41) Barry Allen ♦♦

Thanks Barry. I tried it after I put it up and discovered the problem. I hope it's ok now. And thanks for the suggestion on the alternate link idea.

(04 Feb '12, 03:49) Rindor

I agree with this. Very true you have to do something to get rid of the emotions... I also do a lot of EFT with Brad Yates, I love his videos :)

(04 Feb '12, 14:43) LapisLazuli

Why do we have to get rid of the emotions? If your child is upset do you try and get rid of his emotion or do you give him hug. Do the same with emotions as it might be a part of you that was ignored as a child. Also if you have the mentality of trying to get rid of it you may miss the message it is carrying. What about joy, do we try and get rid of that. Joy comes and it goes because we don't try and do anything to it.

(04 Feb '12, 15:09) Alan Crabbe

Well I meant do something to feel better.. for me, bottling my emotions affects me very negatively and if I don't do something it tears me down... that's what I was trying to get at. What kind of message would it carry, though? I don't do anything about joy because I like feeling that way. If anything, I try to enhance it.

(04 Feb '12, 16:53) LapisLazuli

I didn't say bottle them up I said accept that you have this emotion that makes you feel bad, that is tearing you up.

Then continue taking action towards the life you want. We give these emotions so much power, we focus on them. This is why joy doesn't hang about because emotions come and go naturally unless we hang on to them which is what we are doing when we try and get rid of them.

(06 Feb '12, 07:52) Alan Crabbe

I used to spend a lot of time tapping points, deep breathing, yoga, meditation so that I would feel better and then I realised that I was giving the emotions I didn't want a lot of attention.

It was also a bit comical and not how I wanted to be living my life. So now when I am overwhelmed by a painful emotion I accept it and take some action towards where I want to be in life. I move the limbs needed to perform the action and take the emotion with me.

What you focus on increases.

(06 Feb '12, 07:55) Alan Crabbe

I only recommend EFT because I've seen huge changes in my life with it... I completely overcame my social anxiety with it... huge for me. But I agree with you. I do pay a lot of attention to my emotions at times and I know its only increased them. I like you're advice, speaking for myself, I don't know how to just "accept" certain things sometimes.

(13 Feb '12, 14:08) LapisLazuli

@Rindor - for me, emotions are never negative, they are energy and are there for a reason, negative is a relative term :)

(14 Feb '12, 04:05) blubird two
showing 3 of 9 show 6 more comments

Anger is a difficult emotion for most people. They don't like it. Your parents wouldn't have liked it which is why you will be trying to keep a lid on it.

You could try and get rid of it by using techniques such as EFT, deep breathing etc but that is the same thought pattern as putting a lid on it-( it is bad, I shouldn't be feeling this, etc).

I accepted that my anger was ok and wouldn't beat myself up about getting angry but this had limited success because I was still always angry. Then I got it. I realised that my anger was resentment because I was doing things that I didn't want to do.

So I started saying no. I kept asking myself, why am I doing this? If deep down I didn't want to I would refuse to do it. That made me very unpopular and I felt a lot of guilt.

Guilt is a very uselful emotion in recognising if you are being controlled. Guilt would have been used to control your actions as you grew up so tell it shut up.

Saying no, and being from my perspective very selfish, has really started to work in my life. I am no longer angry and I no longer, most of the time, do what I don't want to do.

Last point: this is a very hard thing to do and over the two years I have been doing it my children have had to leave the private school that they loved, I left my teaching job and didn't find anything else and I nearly lost my home. But then do you want to be remembered as an angry, resentful person. That's how my kids saw me. I was mean to them, shouting, narky.

So question everything you do. Do you want to do it? If not why are you doing it? Then say I am not doing it because I don't want to. No rational argument, no pros and cons just that you don't want to do it so why are you doing it.


answered 04 Feb '12, 05:54

Alan%20Crabbe's gravatar image

Alan Crabbe

I agree, especially with the last paragraph. It took me a long time to figure that out for myself, but when you ultimately do start to it helps you figure yourself out and makes you happier, for me anyways.

(04 Feb '12, 14:46) LapisLazuli

"Guilt is a very uselful emotion in recognising if you are being controlled. Guilt would have been used to control your actions as you grew up so tell it shut up."

Yes, guilt is about control. I think guilt is the most destructive and disempowering emotion.

(21 Dec '18, 19:08) ele
  • Release your need to be right.
  • Realize that it's your thoughts that stimulate and cause emotion to arise within you.
  • Change your thoughts about whatever it is that's upsetting you and making you feel anger.
  • Go for a walk in nature. Take in all that you see, hear, smell, touch and feel - love all of it, absolutely.
  • Thank yourself and the Universe, God or the Source of all creation for each moment of your existence ♥

answered 05 Feb '12, 00:10

Eddie's gravatar image



@Eddie "love all of it, absolutely" thanks :)

(05 Feb '12, 01:47) blubird two

bring the rage out from hiding
discern and define it,
then look at your need/s
for allowing it to feed on you


answered 04 Feb '12, 07:06

fred's gravatar image


Yes Jai we can all understand hidden rage and the impression of extreme frustration, it is in such moments that we "make or break" ... rage is huge energy, try to canalize this energy into something constructive ... it's the moment to take that quantum step into an expanded dimension, it is in such moments that heroines are made


take care :)


answered 04 Feb '12, 02:57

blubird%20two's gravatar image

blubird two

I agree & I like the pic!

(04 Feb '12, 14:47) LapisLazuli


I have had a magnificent breakthrough with my trouble over rage and anger....I thought that I would tell you all about what I am doing, as it has already made a HUGE difference in my mood and attitude; it is nothing short of miraculous for me.

You must understand that I was not allowed to show my anger as a child in any way whatsoever. If I did, I was beaten. One time, my Dad got so angry that he threw me across my bedroom. I fell over the bed, and broke my left arm. Later that night, after my Mom was asleep, he took me to the hospital to get my arm x-rayed as it hurt so badly. My wrist was broken. They casted it. Do you know what my goofy father did? When we got home, he cut off the cast from my arm, so he would not get reported for abuse- also so my mom would not know what he had done. For weeks, I had to hold my wrist in place with my right hand to keep it from hurting.

It still aches to this day.

Now...about that secret...If you have been following the "Jaianniah Soap Opera", you will know that I posted a question about secrets on IQ about a week ago. My secret is that I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder...or what used to be called "MPD". I have a "part" called "The Beast" that has been holding all my anger for me all these years. Here is an excerpt from a book I am writing about my life about this Beast:


As I mentioned above, the rage has started to leak out, especially in the form of devastating migraine headaches.

I suddenly realized that I had better deal with my rage, or it would deal with me! This morning, I had a breakthrough. Wade is a Karate Instructor (he holds a Sixth-Degree Black Belt in Karate, and teaches it for a living.). He has his own Dojo, and there, in the Dojo, are two "Wavemaster" padded punching "posts". Just this week, his friend, Joanne, out of the blue, gave him a pair of punching gloves, just in case he wanted to use them as teaching aids.

So this morning, I convinced Wade to go with me to the Dojo, and allow me to punch with those gloves on, and scream out all the hurt and rage I have been holding inside myself. At first, he said I was "pulling my punches", but as I got going, I really began to scream and beat the hell out of that bag. (Please pardon my French.)

It worked! It really did! I spent half an hour screaming and punching. Later on today, I experienced a feeling I did NOT recognize at first: pure JOY!!! I was the Vortex for a while!!!

I plan on continuing with this therapy indefinitely...until I am punching correct Karate punches, and can join a regular Karate class, where I can vent "ordinary" anger productively.

I highly recommend this therapy if you have been abused. It works! It really does!

I just wanted to share this with all of you. Thank you so much for caring about me.



P.S. I give great credit to my patient darling, Wade! He deserves some pats on the back for this!


answered 10 Feb '12, 19:40

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 14 Feb '12, 03:43

ursixx's gravatar image



You make me smile WAY Big Jai! Gotta Love the direct approach. Find something and beat the heck out of it. HAHAHA! A TOTALLY cathartic process used clinically by professionals for decades to do just that! And "YES!"... it Works! I commend you on your focus and persistence to get a handle on the rage. Congratulations! ;-)

(10 Feb '12, 21:49) Rindor

Hi Jaianniah, Thankyou for sharing. Im happy for your progress. I think anger is one of the most difficult emotions to resolve. The excerpt from your book was good. It reminded me of "The Book of Qualities" by Ruth Gendler. The same kind of poetic style. I have to admit your saccharine sweet Christian preachiness really bugged me. Maybe because you have this anger inhibition problem. So I doubly admire what it takes for you to give yourself permission to vent openly.

(10 Feb '12, 23:50) helenread25 1

I always blame my rage on my ancestry Irish /German ;) .I do not like my rage. I have it under control and I know it is also a source of strength.(as a defense mechanism/a knowledge that it is there and can be used to my benefit) I do not direct my rage against someone I do not hit anyone but my rage comes often out vocally and it is powerful. when those rare instances I lose control I am very apologetic after.

(14 Feb '12, 03:52) ursixx

I do not like rage either. I am Norwegian/German...I suspect the Norwegian hides a bit of Irish because of the gene for red hair I carry.[smile]...you know that old saying about redheads...Anyway, it felt sooooo GOOD to finally VENT. Finally LET GO, in a controlled way, a physical way. I had not let it out since college, as I mentioned. I was terrified of it- but now it is my best friend, because I have found emotioonal freedom! Bless you, C. <8 Jai

(14 Feb '12, 05:33) Jaianniah

Excellent!!! Glad to hear you found your way. As a comment I found some years ago that in Asia (don't know exactly where), some people pay for therapy to go in a room and throw dishes at walls. I'm a drummer so I know also the benefits from beating the !@#$% out of things hehehe (although I'm not a particularly loud drummer). Best of wishes on your journey! :-)

(14 Feb '12, 10:26) Kriegerd

Thank you, Kriergard! I play viola...not as good as drums for venting...however, you gave me an idea that perhaps my piano playing might also be a vent...Thanks so much for the idea, and the great comment and support. Blessings, and Happy Valentine's Day, Jai

(14 Feb '12, 11:04) Jaianniah
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

In the Michael Teachings they said the cause for anger was always due to expectations. So I guess a fundemental shift could take place if you could recognize why and how youve been disappointed.

When my anger is focused on a person, Ive had some great success in withdrawing it through a simple exercize: I write the offenders name on a piece of paper, put it in a baggie, fill it w water, freeze it for several days until I feel ready to finally discard it. The effect on the other person is often amazing as well. They often act as if theyre glad to see me. Refreshed, like an old burden has been lifted from their shoulders. If anybody can explain the reason for that Id like to hear it.


answered 04 Feb '12, 13:51

helenread25%201's gravatar image

helenread25 1

That's a cool exercise & awesome you've had success with it!

(04 Feb '12, 14:49) LapisLazuli

The technique described here using freezing water is what i would describe as a radionic method, a way of putting subtle energies into motion to "liquidate" (excuse the pun) the knot of emotion :)

(14 Feb '12, 04:10) blubird two

Do EFT, and afterward do Matrix Reimprinting. It will relieve you. Remember, it took time to build the anger, so, be patient in your healing path. Namaste-Peace.


answered 04 Feb '12, 14:15

behnam's gravatar image


You are right about being patient in my healing path...I will use EFT AFTER I finally destroy my punching bag! LOL! Thanks!

(11 Feb '12, 05:58) Jaianniah
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