All my life as far back as I can remember I have felt an emptiness inside me in the solar plexus and right between the eyes.
Even as far back as 2 or 3 I remember this feeling even though I had a family, mother, father sibling so I was never really alone. Even when at my early ages from birth up until 8 or 9 I remember happy times yet always still had this emptiness alone feeling inside which I just assumed was normal. Even when I started school it became more noticeable in me yet again I just thought it was all normal.
As I moved through puberty and into adulthood it just became worse and I then began to realize this was not normal, I realized this was also depression even though I have heard of the word I never realized what it meant until I realized it had destroyed my life probably from infancy. Sure I looked into what the problem might be, tried some meds, therapy, techniques, pretty much anything you can think of.
Still I am pretty much at square one well into adulthood now. My relationships have been damaged and destroyed pretty much do to this emptiness, lack of understanding and the inability to communicate past this deep empty void that pretty has a grip on every waking moment of my life. Most of the time I have to end up acting through life as I interact with others, then again most of the time I feel I don't want to really be bothered being around other much anyway as an adult because I just get bored do to the emptiness in me.
I have pretty much come to the conclusion after years of empty searching that just like some people are born with no limbs no matter how much you try to change it its still just not going to change. That is now what I am forced to believe. Manifesting, prayer and all the other methods that span a lifetime have taken me maybe an inch on a 100 mile journey. After a while you realize that the journey is pretty much over because to catch up to that 100 mile journey would be like getting there just as the plane takes off so you have already missed the main destination.
But then again perhaps the real actual destination is death. If that is true then the title of this story probably should be Born into emptiness, and a lifetime of emptiness and death. Doesn't make much sense does it. Going to war at the age of 18 and taking a bullet to the head seems like a more justifiable life.
OK so maybe this isn't really a question and I am just ranting. Feel free to comment.
asked 03 Jun '10, 15:12
Barry Allen ♦♦
Don't feel bad for ranting!:) Like you I have spent the majority of my 24 years on Earth feeling like an outsider. I always felt as if I were missing something in myself that everyone else had in spades. Why can't I open up to people? Why do I have such a hard time relating to the world? Am I always going to be alone?
Whatever I tried to do to change myself into a 'well-adjusted' person failed miserably...I just could not make myself into anybody else! The best answer I can give you is to accept yourself and your aloneness as an opportunity for learning and growth. There is something about your 'emptiness' that will allow you to look deeper into yourself and the world around you.
Another thing to realize...the feelings that you experience are all related to your thoughts. Do you see yourself in a negative way? I used to, and it never did anything for me but make me alienate myself from positive things. I used to think that other people were like the sun and being around a person like me would cause an eclipse! Find the positives in your life or create them...there are things about you and about your world that are wonderful, but if you don't give them any acknowledgement they will disappear.
Everyday you will have to train yourself to find the positive, and every moment you will have to substitute thoughts of despair for thoughts of greatness and love. Just like you have taught yourself to dislike who you are, you must take all the time you can to love yourself...if you don't who will, right?
If this helps at all, please run with it and never look back!!!!
answered 03 Jun '10, 16:26
This may help. Making a big effort to understand yourself – your preferences, prejudices, strengths and weaknesses. What annoys and what delights you realise that you are incredibly lucky to be alive. You are the descendants of about 10,000 ancestors, each of which survived long enough to reproduce and was amongst the fittest of their generation. Look at where you have been born – a free, democratic, peaceful and wealthy country with a relatively benign climate. Think of some other places you could have been born and recognise how lucky you are. You have won the lottery and every day is a bonus! The prize is life itself a wonderfully rich experience of unfathomable depths and constant change.
Life is full of small pleasures learn to recognise, grasp and enjoy them. (Perhaps receiving this message is one for today) Keep on learning. There is so much to be learned. These days, with the Internet, any subject can be explored. Every day presents opportunities to increase your wisdom. Look at the decisions you make and learn from the mistakes, they are more valuable than your successes. You can go on increasing in wisdom till the day you die. This seems, to me to be a very worthwhile objective to pursue. Wake up every morning, remind yourself that you are lucky to be alive, today will provide opportunities to grow, pleasures to enjoy and you can relish the prospect of the day ahead. This may sound all very idealistic – but I honestly say that I spend every day in a state of quiet excitement despite the fact that I'm 72 and confined to a wheelchair
answered 05 Jul '11, 09:11
This is a beautiful answer and a beautiful life. Welcome! I wish all the best to you.
(05 Jul '11, 10:07) Asklepios
Wow!... On of those rare inspirational answers that undoubtedly comes from a place of Truth. Thanks Graham and welcome to IQ and I sincerely hope you stick around :)
(05 Jul '11, 17:42) Michaela
The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible explores these concepts, basically saying that everything in life is meaningless, a chasing of the wind. I encourage you to read them.
You are not the first to feel this way. The Byrds' song "Turn, Turn, Turn" and Kansas' song "Dust in the Wind" are based on these Biblical passages.
Life is meaningless until we give it meaning. Where do we find that meaning? We find it in hope. The beauty of a sunset. The glimmer in the eye of our children. The accumulation of wisdom. The exploration of our inner selves and the casting off of the vanity of our ego. The chasing of dreams.
The glory of God.
answered 03 Jun '10, 23:53
I've always loved both those songs.
(04 Jun '10, 00:56) Michaela
This fits with what I answered to a question a while back. Life has no meaning but the meaning we give it, life has no purpose but the purpose we make of it. It is up to us to chose, I chose to be a friend of God and further God's kingdom on earth because of my compassion for my brothers and sisters in humanity.
(06 Jul '11, 04:02) Wade Casaldi
Hello i am experiencing times of unconfidence and feelings of oppression from others and have been feeling this throughout my life. I am a freshman in college now and i dont know exactly what my talents are or what i would like to pursue in life but i have grown much as an individual. Due to years of depression from childhood experiences i now confront the problems within myself rather than the problems in society. I have learned that the one person whose ideas you can for sure change is your own. I have more confidence than i use to. I didnt want to be alone(no freinds) and still dont want to be alone as a freshman in college. I know that it is up to me to get out and introduce myself to people then day by day devolp conversations to build relationships over time. It definently gets hard and at times I still procrasinate on speaking and meeting others. Sometimes i hide but it helps to atleast know that im the creator of this problm and its something i must work on in order to get what i want out of life.
answered 30 Mar '11, 18:13
It sounds like you are on the right path...I think you will be very happy with yourself by the time you graduate.
(30 Mar '11, 19:41) Back2Basics
I also think so. You will succeed!
(05 Jul '11, 10:16) Asklepios
Many spend a lifetime trying to get to the blank canvas so that they can analyze the living picture of reality that they have painted within their consciousness along the way.
This is the "clear" or non-attached state of mind that is often the position of self-analysis within the inward quest.
You got there long time ago.
You see the illusion built upon a reference point of nothingness.
But then you gave meaning to the nothingness.
So nothingness became a reference point of pointlessness instead of a position of understanding and control
Most people are afraid of the nothingness and when they get close to it they fill their attention with nervous noise until it feels normal.
Endless conversation is one such noise. Sometimes this conversation is with the self.
Sometimes the nothingness is quenched with constant music, talk radio, news and sports.
It prevents the self from getting to the inner silence and nothingness.
To lament about the nothingness is like being a painter complaining about the canvas being blank and lacking any inspiration.
It is what it is.
It is a blank canvas and you are the painter.
Now that you have realized that, you are not supposed to be upset at the blank nature of the canvas of your consciousness upon which your physical reality is being painted with every intent.
To paint upon the canvas is like being neo in the Matrix choosing to step into the illusion of the matrix knowing that it is a controlled reality of illusion.
You chose to wake up and part of waking up is realizing that nobody else can be a companion within your consciousness other than yourself.
Now you can stay within that realization and lament the solitude forever or you can use it to study the noise of reality.
You can go back to the illusion of reality to study it and manipulate it with understanding within the solitude of the self.
Or you could lament the solitude of the self and in doing so return to the illusion of reality that reflects the solitude of the self.
answered 23 Apr '11, 05:36
Traveller, I love your answers and miss your wondeful insights when you're not here :)
(23 Apr '11, 19:16) Michaela
I'm just wondering if something extremely traumatic could have happened to you at a very young age and you have repressed it so deeply that you're not consciously aware that it even happened.
The best advice I can give you is to try to talk to a therapist or spiritual mentor who has some kind of experience with helping people look within and confront what is buried. I'm not a professional and can only empathize with your situation but I also want you to know that there is no such thing as a hopeless case and you can get better. However, it will probably take a lot of inner work and a determination to do it, no matter what happens.
As Christina pointed out, you're going to have to be willing to replace those thoughts of despair with positive, uplifting ones and those negative thoughts will not loosen their grip easily. Begin by making a decision to do this and not give up until you reach that better feeling place. You can do this and you've taken a major step on your journey by asking here, keep moving in that direction.
I'm sending you as much positive energy as I can muster right now. Stay strong.
answered 03 Jun '10, 22:56
A lifetime of emptiness can be a heavy load even though it appears empty. The drawback to this whole scenario is your feeling, your feeling of emptiness because your "feeling" of emptiness may very well be the culprit that keeps you from manifesting your desire to overcome emptiness because as we know manifesting is mostly feeling, feeling what you desire to have.If your feeling is emptiness and you can't get beyond it then you may very well be stuck just as a man born without limbs. Many overlook the fact that emptiness/depression can also be caused by bodily sensations such as muscle tightness and mental strain. If the body you are in does not feel free and flowing it can lead to mental ills as well. But again another question arises about which came first the chicken or the egg or in your case possibly the depression or the unfree body. Did the depression cause the bodily ills if you have them or did the bodily ills cause the depression? Perhaps if you could find a state where the emptiness lifts such as music, drugs or some other means to temporarily get your mind and body free long enough to focus on your manifesting desires it could be doorway open long enough to begin making some results.
answered 04 Jun '10, 04:04
Mack I understand this clearly because I know it myself, I made a list of all the compartments of my mind and put a check next to everything I do alone and I discovered even anything I do with others I really do alone. Even with relationships if I am with a girl it is really more like she is with me and I am just where I am doing what I am doing and she happens to want to be there with me. I like her with me and that is nice but at the same time if she wasn't there it wouldn't be much different.
There are advantages though of this, I can give a sermon, be a speaker, teach karate or play my guitar in front of many people without being nervous because when I am up there I am alone and couldn't care less if the place were packed or no one was there, their opinion maters little if at all. That means I can do my very best at what I do because it is like I am alone anyway.
What is interesting is that the thought of not being alone is scary, interactive activities with others socializing all together, then it is hard to be alone. It is much easier being the teacher or entertainer then you just give give give and that is easy you don't need anything from anyone. You stand on the mountain as king (remember that game "King of the Mountain"?) not needing anything from anyone secure and strong.
It makes me wonder if some of us were just destine to be alone to the dying day, yes I agree when the depression comes every once in a while it is extremely empty, dark and lonely but then we shift out of that mindset into something else and can again forget about it.
answered 04 Jun '10, 19:50
i understand the emptiness the foul of this world! but what i have found out is that when all outside of you leads no where then the only place left to look is inside of you! and now i know it is made that way! the divine plan is perfect even with the imperfection of this world! and you are never alone no one is in this world we don't see it but over the mirroir you will see it! yes if people would know all that it would solve lots of problems in this world! over time people will evolve and things will change! well have a nice day and remember no one is alone we made the choice to live this life even if no one remember! things in this world can seams to make no sense but all things happen for a reason!
answered 22 Apr '11, 05:33
Christina, I thought your response was a very good and understanding one.
Mack, you mentioned a few times that although you don't really like being alone, you are more comfortable that way. I might be off the mark here, but I am wondering if you are an empath, and constantly just picking up on the troubles, worries, negativity of others. I am saying you might be one of those very sensitive people. Only you can answer this, but please think of it as a possibility. Some of the feelings you report are those that a very empathic person would feel. If this is true, you will need to learn how to protect yourself and get into a more positive place. There are a lot of websites and forums for empaths out there, and I urge you to do a little research. You might be able to accept yourself, get better, learn to protect yourself, protect your solar plexus, and feel better around others.
I hope you will look into this, just on the outside chance that this is the problem. If not, best wishes to you on your journey to feeling better.
answered 03 Jun '10, 16:47
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mack, welcome as one of mankind to the planet earth. little does make sense, yet get up every morning to hear the birds sing, to see the sun rise and look around at what is in order and has it's beauty. your spirit is aching for truth. stop being hard on yourself and make a plan to discover why you wanted to be here thsis time around.