I felt like this should be my first question because initially when joining I had/have many - but my thought processes have kept me from asking anything thus far; until now, that is.

A little bit about me:

  • I have exactly one friend who lives in another state. I talk to her a couple times a week, but only when she has time. She's pretty busy with work and other stuff.
  • Other than her, I only talk to my husband and sometimes my mom.
  • My mom drives me crazy. I think she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I really can't be around her too long, or even talk to her at length because most of what she has to say to me is either negative, critical or judgmental of me, my friend, my husband, his friends and our family. She can be nice and helpful and overall she is not a bad person, but her behavior hasn't changed and sometimes she is unapologetic about the things she says or does and I feel that the best thing I can do is just to stay away from her. Too bad she lives next door.
  • I wish I could talk to my dad more but he's become more and more...I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say empty, but he has had a very hard life and he's going to be 82 years old on Sunday (I'll turn 30 the same day). He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I love him very much but the situation with my mom has made it very hard to spend time or even talk with him, and sadly, most of what he has to say is melancholy, sad and depressing (he talks about dying, never getting to see Belize again and what to do with his body etc..).
  • I have siblings but they are not close. They are from my mom's first marriage and no one talks to each other. I only hear about them from my mom - usually in a complaint.

I think the about encompasses the people in my life.

I only have one friend in my life because over the years the people I have met haven't quite understood me, were not as nice as they seemed or have lived too far away (I've had a lot of online friends before). I've very sensitive. Anything can make me cry in sympathy/empathy. Commercials, shows, pictures, thoughts, other people's display of emotions, stories, songs, just whatever. And I hate for anyone to see me cry. I hide it from anyone who might see. I even feel silly doing this by myself. I even get really out of breath if I'm really happy about something. This does not happen often but it can be a real mess if I can't calm down.

This might be why I handle negativity or my heightened feelings the way I do. If something bothers me I usually keep it to myself unless it's just something silly or petty. My poor husband will hear these rants for a while. It's mostly just me working through my feelings and he doesn't really say anything to me. This is ok until I really need feedback and he can't because he can't relate to me. He also has a very stressful job so at the end of the day he doesn't have much left to provide the area of emotional support, and frankly, I need a lot.

In cases like this I really wished I had a close friend or anyone really that I could feel completely comfortable sharing these feelings with. The problem is that I don't feel comfortable sharing a lot of my really deep feelings much less my negative ones with people because efforts in the past have gotten me quizzical looks, rudimentary advice that I know is provided to the best of their ability or even distancing.

Because of this I spend a lot of time in self-reflection trying to get a good handle on my feelings, negative or otherwise. Sometimes my emotions are so intense that I've had to curl up into the fetal position. The horrible fits of despair and sadness passed a long time ago. I've become really good at "erasing" those thoughts and emotions before they start (I mentally wipe away a table or wall in my mind until it is white). This is good and all but doesn't do much for insistent or unresolved problems that keep coming back, especially in relation to things that happen that involve my mom.

What I do instead is either write emails that never get sent or blog entries that never get published. After I've written most or all of how I feel, I delete them. I used to have facebook and the desire to post something about these feelings was always strong but I would never write anything about them, instead only posting happy things, if I felt like it or nothing at all because I felt just posting for the sake of it was insincere (I've left facebook because I felt it was an insincere place to begin with..). This same desire happens with anything that I use or have used in the past - the status bar. I think I posted something once when I was really feeling overwhelmed and someone immediately de-friended me. I know this is all silly but it's this sort of thing that makes me withdraw further away from people.

So, I've decided that my negative thoughts and feelings and my deep complex emotions are not for others to experience or witness because I've found that the people that I've come in contact with thus far haven't been able to or haven't wanted to try to understand them. My one friend does, but like I mentioned earlier, she is very busy. Otherwise, I don't like to burden anyone with these emotions because I understand that it is no one's responsibility to try to understand me or to comfort me with my problems. I try to keep all of this as self-contained as I can so I don't effect anyone or dampen their spirits. I think this thought about all stops me from sharing the most. Ironically, I enjoy helping people with their problems and I love to listen and help them sort through their emotions and such since I feel a deep connection with those emotions and feelings.

This question/post is probably the most I've shared with anyone in years and honestly I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm actually in tears because I'm afraid to post this but I'm also afraid not to. How am I supposed to change if I don't try?

So, after a very long post, is what I am doing helpful or harmful to me? Or am I going about it the wrong way?

Sorry if I got the tags wrong!

asked 29 Oct '12, 23:59

Halcyon's gravatar image



is there anny benefit to being darkness when you can be light? so let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.

(30 Oct '12, 00:25) white tiger

@Halcyon - Welcome to IQ. As @Cory has said so well already, there's nothing to fear from sharing your thoughts here. I think all of us who interact regularly here have been through similar feelings as you've experienced...those emotions have usually been the driving force for us to search for answers about our lives beyond what is considered "mainstream"

(30 Oct '12, 07:49) Stingray

@Stingray Thank you so much for the welcome. I came across this place while coping with some stuff and felt and instant attraction for the people here. I feel I will learn a lot from everyone. I plan on showing my friend the way here as well.

(30 Oct '12, 10:18) Halcyon
showing 1 of 3 show 2 more comments

Please don't be afraid to post anything on here. This is a great place that has people with great minds from all over the world coming together to connect with one another. You will only get love and support and people trying to help you as best as they can so don't hesitate to ask anything at all.

Now getting to your question, I will try to get straight to the point regarding what I think is the best thing you can do to improve your situation .

I don't think it is beneficial for you to have negative thoughts and feelings predominantly take control of your life. Instead of wondering if you should keep these emotions away from others, I really think you should keep them away from yourself. When I say that, I mean you should work on removing your negative thoughts and emotions because they are of benefit to nobody whatsoever. I do believe that they can help promote growth, but if they become stagnant and repetitive, they can keep you from living life.

I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing yourself and how you feel about certain issues. But if negative feelings are outweighing the positive and joyful feelings in your life, then getting happy should be something to shoot for.

Keeping these emotions self contained is just holding resistance in your body and negative resistance is not your natural state. I had my fair share of bottling up negative emotions for a long time and it took a lot of bad (self manifested) situations to finally wake me up and decide to change how I wanted to live.

Changing how you prefer your life to be is the main question here. Do you prefer the way things are going or would you prefer to go in another direction completely? You will not truly be able to use the techniques on this site until you answer that question for yourself.

I would like to help you change those negative beliefs that you hold inside of yourself if that is your preference. My first bit of advice would be to just browse around the site for a while and you will most surely find some great information. I browsed here at IQ for months before I joined because there was such an overflow of information that I just didn't want to stop reading.

Now there is a point to all of this talk of changing your beliefs and predominant emotions. By changing the way you feel, you will change all the circumstances in your life. You will change how other people react in your life and the people you meet and don't meet in your life. By deciding to feel good you will change every aspect that is your life. But as I said earlier, that is your choice to make.

I recently gave an answer about "feeling guilty for wanting to feel better" and at the end of the answer is list of some very beneficial Resistance Releasing Techniques. Every one of those techniques have benefited me in some way large or small. If your not sure where to start try some simple meditation everyday by finding some relaxing music that you enjoy and do your best to release all thoughts for 15 minutes. Meditation has helped me remove negative thoughts and feelings at a tremendously high level.

I'm not sure if this is the answer you are looking for. I just can't give another human being advice on how to keep negative thoughts bottled up or how to express them to other people.

I personally want to see you succeed in your life.

I want to hear you talk about how happy you are.

I want to know how great your relationships with other people are going.

You are a being of pure love and pure positive energy. You are one with this planet and this universe and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you can create the life that you desire. You just have to want to change if that is what you prefer to do. If you don't, then there is nothing wrong with that either. There is no right or wrong in this world, just experience and growth.

You can have whatever life that you choose just by making a simple choice. Just remember that you will always be eternally loved no matter what choice you decide to make.


answered 30 Oct '12, 02:43

Cory's gravatar image


edited 30 Oct '12, 02:45


@Cory I want to thank you for taking the time to read my question and post a very thoughtful and loving answer. I was very nervous when writing it and once I posted it I felt better because I felt someone would surely help me with this problem. I think I will try those techniques from that link and I will try harder to change my life and outlook for the better. I feel you are right and think on what you said for a while.

(30 Oct '12, 06:45) Halcyon

@Halcyon You are welcome. I think you will find out pretty quickly that you will feel comfortable talking about anything here. I'm glad I could help you even if it was a little bit and welcome to Inward Quest.

(30 Oct '12, 12:02) Cory

It really depends on the situation, who you confide these feelings to, and how you discuss these feelings. Some people, if you are always unhappy around them, may choose not to be your friend anymore. If you tell someone your secrets, then they can spread them. However, sometimes, if you tell someone how they are treating you, they can realise that they are acting wrong. And sometimes people can offer you help or advice. It is not always easy to tell the response. You sort of have to make your best judgement on it and proceed with caution. These things can be circumstantial. If you feel like you to need to get things off your chest then you can talk to a counselor, as they are paid to listen to your problems. However, how much help this gives depends on the person, but it is worth trying.


answered 30 Oct '12, 11:44

alfangor's gravatar image


It was a high school counselor that pointed me in the right direction when I tried to explain to her about my feelings. She drew two lines on a paper, one very wavy and the other mostly straight. She explained to me most people's emotions were like the straight one and mine were like the wavy one - meaning I felt things deeper than most people. That piece of insight has helped me quite a bit. She is one person I wish I could find now and say thank you. :) So you may be right.

(30 Oct '12, 12:43) Halcyon
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