I was hoping for some of advice on how to stop feeling so much pain after a divorce.

The last 3.5 months have been too much and I had not let go believing if I could make certain changes which are basic like being more organized and being able to not react so impulsively maybe she would have seen it but my focus this whole time has been on her, not our 2 kids not my school which ended in total disaster worse off. I am in a foreign country and feel very lonely though people have been supportive, and I have living off student loans and have started smoking cigarettes like it is going out of style.

I have found the problems that lay within and feel with time they can be healed and resolved so I can be what I need to be but the problem I am having is the constant mental torture.

I accept the pain now as healing but I cannot gain control of my mind for long enough to actually feel good about anything which keeps the vicous cycle.

After countless hours of searching for answers, I still sit here holding on. It is more then likely killing me and if not physically, mentally and spiritually. I do not know how to let go and desire that more than anything right now.

I surrender to the pain but would like to move on from it.

Any advice or direction or web sites as books aren't readily available unless they are ebooks on how to attune myself to heal the inside is welcomed because each time i close my eyes to meditate I am in a nightmare and i am not getting beyond it.

I hate feeling self pity and loss and I do not like asking for help because I know the answers are within but I cannot see them and becoming afraid that this reality will keep unfolding in this gruesome manner.

Thank you for helping

asked 12 Jun '10, 21:40

jeff's gravatar image


edited 15 Jun '10, 03:11

Vesuvius's gravatar image


Jeff, you are grieving.

The first step is to realize that, and to understand that when we grieve, we find our minds in chaos and our lives full of change and our souls feel lost and hurt beyond belief. What do we do? The first step is to give yourself permission to BE in chaos, to BE unhappy, to just BE what we are. It feels as though your mind is going to explode. I know. But it won't. It just feels like it will.

Everything that you counted on, like the roots of a plant, is tossed up and torn up, and you need to let yourself feel the pain- the sooner you let this happen, the sooner it will pass.

And it will pass, with time.

Like that plant that was uprooted, you may need to be nurtured for a time. If you have friends who are supportive, rely on them, and share with them. If you do not, then talk to a journal- it will help you keep track of what you are feeling and where you want to go from here.

Try like heck to not concentrate on HER at all. She is not under your control at all. That feels lousy, but it is true. Try to bring God into your life. He will help if you call on him in this dark time. He is like the water your torn-up roots need right now. Eventually, new roots will grow, an you will feel grounded again; but for now, you must just let yourself be who you are. Do not decide to quit smoking- you have enough on your plate just thinking. Try to rest a lot, and try very hard to go easy on yourself. That does not mean you should give up chores- rather, the familiar routines of doing dishes and vacuuming will help (believe it or not!).

Finally, remember to think of yourself as being in an ICU ward for the soul. What would you do for another person going through this? Do that for yourself. Concentrate on only one thing at a time. Make lists of what you need to do.

Love yourself, and let the chaos happen. Let everything fall. Soon, life will begin to make sense again.

Blessings, Jai


answered 13 Jun '10, 07:40

Jaianniah's gravatar image


Jai this is a wonderful answer.

(01 Sep '11, 16:11) Paulina 1

Thanks! Thanks so much- it means a lot to me!>>>>>>>>>>>

(03 Sep '11, 04:53) Jaianniah

Hello, Jeff...

Firstly, I just want to say that I truly feel your emotions from your post. I have seen and heard of some awful effects that a divorce may have on a person. Thus, I just want to wish you all the best as you continue to confront your personal issues.

Now, concerning some practical advice to heal your inner pain, I hope you will allow me to share some Biblical perspectives with you. I feel that when people experience an emotional trauma (such as a divorce), they need to start over on a new foundation. From a new foundation, they will be able to begin the construction of a new structure. What is the point of re-building on an old foundation? Your structure will just collapse again with the passage of time. Presently, self-destructive tendencies (which your flesh is craving as a distraction from the pain) will only compound the problem. You need something that will heal your heart and clear your mind so that you can begin to move forward again.

Well, believe it or not, the Bible (which is the Word of GOD) can give you a new foundation and the proper spiritual tools with which you may begin to construct anew. You would not be the first person or the last to give GOD's Word a chance to work in your life. Remember King David? He wrote a whole segment of 150 Psalms in the Bible. It reads like a personal diary. King David shares his fears, pains, victories, sadness, worries, calamities, anger, hopes, joys, frustrations, comforts, pleasures, and expectations with GOD throughout the Psalms. Do these feelings look familiar? Do we not all experience these same feelings during our lives? I humbly recommend, Jeff, that you obtain an online Authorized King James 1611 Bible and begin reading through the Psalms. You will quickly realize that GOD understands your pains and sufferings more than you may think. I sincerely hope that you will honestly permit GOD to be your new foundation and allow Him to guide you out of your torments through His statutes, His testimonies, and His precepts.

More importantly, Jeff, as you get to know the Bible during this healing process, you will read that GOD took the form of a man (Jesus Christ), lived a sinless life, died on a cross, shed His blood for the forgiveness of sins, resurrected, and has been calling all men unto Him for the past 2000 years. If you personally accept this work which GOD did, you will be BORN-AGAIN! Not only will GOD heal your soul today, but He will save your soul for eternity. GOD's promises are available. You just have to personally WANT them and CLAIM them.

Before running to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, self-help literature, meditation techniques, yoga, occultic practices, visualization practices, or any other solution offered to you by the world, why not seek out the Creator of all things?

Again, Jeff, I really hope that you decide to re-build on GOD as your new foundation.

Thanks for reading.

Concerned Citizen


answered 13 Jun '10, 00:08

Concerned%20Citizen's gravatar image

Concerned Citizen

I like this answer.

(01 Sep '11, 16:16) Paulina 1

I went thru a personal crisis this last year and it was real bad too.some things that helped me were the Abraham-Hick daily motivational that I get in my email everyday. Google books has a great number of free on-line books.And youtube has lots of videos too Three things that really helped me were:

  1. Forgive yourself. Dr Wayne Dyer writes about this..

  2. Learn that it's better to be happy than right....before you want to correct,comment or argue a point with someone ask yourself do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.

  3. Live in the Now it's all you got....Ekhart Tolle and other zen teachings



answered 14 Jun '10, 22:04

ursixx's gravatar image


edited 15 Jun '10, 01:19

Vesuvius's gravatar image


Forgiving yourself is key.

Again with "it's better to be happy than right" - soo true. I prefer harmony & peace.

"before you want to correct,comment or argue a point with someone ask yourself do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." - yes, pick your battles. Personally, I prefer not to engage. Another question to ask is "does any of this really matter in the long run?"

Great advice - 3 key points..

(23 Jun '13, 13:31) ele

It is my understanding from your other post that she no longer loves you. So what is the point? You need not feel troubled in the longterm over your marriage. You surely benefited from it; I mean you got your children. Overall, from a "business" sort of view, you got something positive out it. Not everything in life can be all roses and entirely positive.

Surely, you need to shed your tears for the time being; but be sure to move on. You were a breathing, living human before she came to your life. Surely you had other girlfriends before she came? And you survived the breakups? I suppose you can still live a life even after this difficult and unexpected blow. I do not mean to sound unfeeling; but it is the fact.

Haven't nations survived terrible wars? In such a war how many families suffer? They lose fathers and sons and brothers and mothers and sisters. Your woman, your daughter, your sister, your mother, will be raped and dishonored in other ways by the enemy in front of your eyes. All that happened in human history; but still civilization moved on.

Just like that, you also have to keep a stronger heart and move on. Or, at least try to move on.

She may come back to your life... But don't hang on to the hope. Besides, even if she comes back, the fact remains that you already went through so much grief. It wouldn't be the same as before even if you get together. On the other hand you might not get together again. Then, you might even meet another woman, who will be very good towards you and might help in rebuilding your life. You have to accept that tragedy already happened in your life, and you have to accept that life is not going to be the same for a while at least.

But I sure wish all the best for you on your road to becoming a happy and contended person again. What can I say? Surely all the days cannot be bright, can they? And surely all the days cannot be cloudy and gloomy either. So your day of sunshine would come again. Until then, be a braveheart and make the best of it.


answered 13 Jun '10, 10:55

A%20G's gravatar image


for all such issues, there is no perfect answer. its is you who has to try out and find what works best for you. but i have been through a long phase of emotional instability and impulsiveness, so i can certainly advise you on the best practices i felt. one good thing about your condition is that you are really desperate to get over the situation , and so sooner or later, you will be through. i will tell you of a list of exercises, all will work. i try and do all. so its not that im just saying for the sake of commenting without practical experience. research on the following....... 1. sun gazing by hira ratan manik ,,,, 2. antarmouna,,, 3. tratak,,, 4. sudarshan kriya (art of living),,, etc.. but one practice that will show immediate effect, and will give you a feeling of pleasure the very moment you complete it, and for the whole day, everytime that you do it, is yoga asanas. nothing works as immediate as them. obviously eft's work as per people, but the benefits of yoga asanas are much more than just healing your emotional condition.


answered 29 Aug '11, 07:13

abhishek%20mishra's gravatar image

abhishek mishra

The essential key to all problems is the type of "objectivity" which we feel coming from God (created in the image of God). This can only be done through mind practices...a few meditative exercises which train the untrained mind to separate from it's "problems" so that it can understand the answers to them (to stand under God's guidance is to receive actual understanding).

No problem is unresolvable. You're ex-wife may not love you now, and in a year might realize her mistake. It is your job to be the best person you can be. The way to do this is to make being "the best person" a habit. No perfection is necessary. No overly critical judgement of self is helpful. As with a good athlete, practice makes "perfect".

In the long run, it is our relationship with God that should govern all of the rest of our life. Without this everything will appear chaotic and disjointed. Fanatical adherence to this is as bad as having no belief. Simply understand your relationship to God as if it were a part of you that is needed for a healthy life, such as the body with no disease. Good Luck and remember life is a journey that is more important than the first step or the last step...


answered 31 Aug '11, 17:26

JB%20Johnson's gravatar image

JB Johnson

Dear Jeff,

It is very dificult to lose someone you love and yes you are grieving. Let yourself grieve. If it becomes too much and you truly can't take it any more than let God, whoever your God is, handle and carry your problem for you. Below is an example of how this can be done. Write a letter to God that is something simmilar to the one below only with your own details and if you cant do even that than just read the one below a few times till you can let go and let God take care of your problem.

Dear God,

I'm in so much emotional pain at this time that I can't think of anything else. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I cant concentrate on anything else except the pain that is tearing my heart to pices. I have lost the very person I love the most and I can't handle the situation as it has taken over my mind and I'm oblivious to anything else. Please help me God for I can't take much more of this. My life is in shambles and I'm in no state to think rationaly as I'm compleately overwhelmed by what happened to me.

Dear God I'm now giving my problem over to you knowing that you have the best solution to my problem and knowing that you will solve the problem for me. I know that as these words leave my lips it is done and my problem is solved.

Thank you God for answering my call for help.

..................... signature

As you read this you must believe and have faith that it is done and you must allow God to work his miracles for I can assure you a miracle will hapen as your prayers will be answered. Every time you start to worry again remind yourself that you dont have to anymore for God is carying your problem for you.

God Bless


answered 01 Sep '11, 16:44

Paulina%201's gravatar image

Paulina 1

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