I feel I don't know how to live anymore. Without a way to directly take action towards what I want, or the confidence that it will come without any deliberate action, I stall completely. It feels like everything is pointless and in a sense I'm afraid of taking any action, even more so of making commitments. I'm afraid of wasting time but I don't know how not to. Not just "physical" action, mental "action" too; I don't know where to focus. I'm afraid of spending money and this leads me to wasting it. I don't feel like myself and I don't know what to do with my time. I'm not getting any better and I have been deteriorating for many years. I don't know how to get better, nothing sticks.

How do I live on a minute by minute basis when I feel deeply restricted? I get it, I keep saying the same thing over and over again and I'm annoying because I can't see the wisdom in what others answer. Maybe none of you truly understands where I am well enough to show me a way out. Maybe there is no way out. I don't know what to say to that. I wish there was a button that made me express myself perfectly automatically and then made someone give me the perfect advice that clicked in my head.

asked 03 Jun '13, 02:54

flowsurfer's gravatar image


edited 03 Jun '13, 03:03


here's an article on how to overcome depression and sadness


(03 Jun '13, 03:01) ru bis

I've done or do all of those things. They are not sustainable precisely because of the depression. None of them can heal the feeling of not being myself. Sometimes when I'm not actively depressed, when I'm busy with some goal or exercise or go out in the sun or forgive others, I feel completely fake and I can't keep at it; I feel empty. All the negative feelings of depression just surge back stronger. Sometimes the whole cycle is over in a minute.

(03 Jun '13, 03:07) flowsurfer

I think the lack of a future I can confidently look forward to makes everything in the present lose value. When I had hope in the future I was more present, relaxed, passionate, confident. I had something to guide my choices by, they didn't seem meaningless. I wasn't depressed. That hope in the future lifted me out of depression once. I can't find it anymore.

(03 Jun '13, 03:18) flowsurfer

todays A-H quote People say. "If I'm always setting goals and reaching for the future, then am I not squandering my now?" And we say if in your now you're using a future event to make you feel good, you are still feeling good in your now. And that's the best use of now that you could ever find.


(03 Jun '13, 03:36) ursixx

@flowsurfer I looked at the link ru bis posted. Your said "I've done or do all of those things" . How long? You have to keep doing those things - exercise - gratitude journal, etc etc. It doesn't happen overnight. Keep it up . You create your own realty.

(04 Jun '13, 00:51) ele

If I easily go from being OK to being deeply depressed as a consequence of the disappointment I have with life what is the point of -struggling- to go from depressed to OK and then struggling to stay at OK? OK is not happy.

If I start at step 1 in the list, I'll either fall deeper into depression immediately, have no desire to go after the goals I set, or be stuck not knowing how to go after the goals and as a consequence fall deeper into depression.

(04 Jun '13, 01:20) flowsurfer

There are similar problems with all the other steps. The list does not constitute an effective treatment to depression, it only helps if you are feeling a little down for no particular reason. There is a reason depressed people don't do those things.

(04 Jun '13, 01:24) flowsurfer

Did you really listen to the song @flowsurfer? "It's (What) a Wonderful World"..

(04 Jun '13, 01:27) ele

@ele No, it's not.

(04 Jun '13, 01:27) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer "If I start at step 1 in the list, I'll either fall deeper into depression immediately" Then start with Step 3 & keep at it. You don't have to do them in any particular order. Make Step 1 - Step 10.

(04 Jun '13, 01:52) ele

@ele @flowsurfer @ru bis I clicked on the link and frankly if you all that on a consistent basis (for at least 30 days) you would see a big improvement in your state of mind. COMMIT right now to doing five things on that list for at least thirty days. At the very least it would occupy your mind a bit and distract you from feeling bad. At the best it would set you on a new path and when you get on that path, FS with your character, you would be unstoppable.

(04 Jun '13, 13:03) Catherine

@ru bis Great link - good sound advice.

(04 Jun '13, 13:06) Catherine

@Flowsurfer One of the reasons why it is important to commit (apart from getting in to a new habit, creating a new thoughtform etc) is that it tells your body that you are serious about feeling better. Just the act of committing to something and then carrying it out would make you feel better - physical action is an anti-depressant too. I know feeling depressed is terrible (I've been there) but the answer is to take action, to move. Start small if you have to but keep going.

(04 Jun '13, 13:12) Catherine
showing 0 of 13 show 13 more comments

As a general, overall answer to all of your questions you have posted, flowsurfer, I would really purchase (yes, purchase, not read/ borrow from the library) a book of The Power of Now by the famous Eckhart Tolle. The idea is giving all of your attention to the present moment. I am sure you have heard this before "blah blah blah" but have you actually realistically applied it yet?

You will be able to live your life in exctasy in a minute to minute basis by applying his teachings of giving all of your attention upon what is going on in your life right now. It sounds like I am asking you to believe in the tooth fairy, it sounds too good to be true. Yet with enough mental determination you can achieve that zen exctasy very shortly.

Whilst I do argue he gives an extremist lifetsyle approach, I highly respect him and treasure this to be a book manifested from the heavens. When I was going through a very depressed state of mind, this book assisted me in getting by.

I apply his teachings primarily in interactions with people- I will give people all of my focus when I interact with them. If I don't do it, and I feel the interaction going poor, I state "I really apologize. My mind is elsewhere and it should be upon you. Let's start over."

I always say people who go through tremendous hardship come out being the greatest modern day Jesus. Flowsurfer, I won't at all be shocked to witness you in 1-3 years time as that.

I have no more comments for you at this stage in time.


answered 04 Jun '13, 11:47

Nikulas's gravatar image


I have read the book. More accurately, I've listened to the audiobook as well as some other material from Tolle. And yes I did apply it. I do not share your positive view of it. In a Q&A session Tolle tells this story of a guy, and I'm going to paraphrase the story as I remember it. He went to some remote place in the mountains to meditate and reach enlightenment. At first he struggled with insects bothering him but he overcame that. He felt himself a zen master until the time came for...

(04 Jun '13, 12:25) flowsurfer

him to renew his visa so he could stay in the country. He went to the immigration office and had to face, well, you know, bureaucrats. That was all it took to break his inner peace which he fought so much to develop. When you have people bringing you food, you can afford to focus on the now, on your present sensations. Now, Tolle's advice is a little more subtle than just "focus on the now" because he recognizes the need to plan. He therefore simply means "focus".

(04 Jun '13, 12:31) flowsurfer

Focus is the deliberate narrowing of the range of attention. Think of a telescope. A telescope focuses light, it focuses your vision so you can clearly see a star in its full beauty as a flaming sphere. But if you focus, you can't see the context in which those stars exist, you can't see the sky and the relationship of other stars to it and you can't see where you stand and the people around you. With time, it's the same. Focusing on your present physical sensations takes attention away from...

(04 Jun '13, 12:37) flowsurfer

the context in which those sensations exist. Like an animal you lose your "pain body". In actual fact, if you truly focused on the now you could not understand speech much less write a book, you would have a state of consciousness of a dream and you would be debilitated. Our capacity to manage the focus/context relationship of our minds is what makes us sane. An example that drives this point home is of idiot savants. They are so focused that they can't take care of themselves.

(04 Jun '13, 12:42) flowsurfer

Now I understand Tolle isn't telling people to turn into idiot savants. He isn't telling people to focus on the now to the point where they can't understand speech. What he is telling them is to narrow consciousness enough to put whatever hurts them about the context in which they are out of sight. I've found that to be destructive in my life over time. Watching comedies is not the recipe to a happy life.

(04 Jun '13, 12:54) flowsurfer

I know the above sounds kind of detached and "intellectualized" but I do "get" what Tolle says. I've found greater and more long-lasting peace/joy from expanding my consciousness in order to put what bothered me in a different context, even to the point of going so far into the future as to reach another life entirely. Interestingly, doing so also made me more "present", more focused on "the now", because I felt genuinely relieved of certain worries. The struggle I'm dealing with is exactly...

(04 Jun '13, 13:06) flowsurfer

one of context. There is a struggle between two worldviews going on in my mind, two maps of reality. I want to believe in one but when I look at my environment it just doesn't seem to be accurate, I don't see how to guide myself in my life with it. I don't want to believe in the other because it basically says I'm in the middle of a desert and there is no point walking in any direction because there is nothing I can reach but another pile of sand.

(04 Jun '13, 13:11) flowsurfer

@Nikulas - "I won't at all be shocked to witness you in 1-3 years" ... very well said.. i think so too!

(04 Jun '13, 14:13) abrahamloa
showing 2 of 8 show 6 more comments

Ive been reading your post and ive gone over a few of your previous ones. As you know Flowsurfer im a fan of yours , although ive been hard on you in a few of my replys.

I get very frustrated with you...and to be honest i would normally not answer any of your posts...but theres something highly likeable about you, i feel that inside all the frustration, angst and misery theres a superb person there.

But just now its dawned on me why your such a special person.

I think its the "HONESTY" and "INTEGRITY" you have. You bare your soul and are very upfront about what you want and how you feel.

I think ultimately this could be your way out. This is your strength. You know somethings wrong and you are trying to put it right.

I think that sooner or later your higher self will move you towards your answer. It wont be perhaps the one you think is right just now, and im not expecting your physical self to agree with this.

Youve lived with your metaphorical "demon" for a while now. Your struggling i know, but youll win in the end.


answered 04 Jun '13, 04:32

Monty%20Riviera's gravatar image

Monty Riviera

Please read/listen to Paramahansa Yogananda's books or cds ... hopefully a great great holy Master like him can lead you the right way ...

Meditation is a great tool to quieten your mind down. Please do that everyday 15 mins twice, its not much time and you will see answers slowly. Do you meditate?

Even if you dont believe in Universe or Divine or law of attraction etc. its ok. you can do it the material way with physical action.. and even for that you need a strong mind so you dont quit and be persistent. And meditation can get you there. You can listen to the Laws of Success from Paramahansa Yogananda if you want.

EDIT on 6/4/13: FlowSurfer, please read Laws of Success by Paramahansa Yogananda and also the book Rafa by Rafael Nadal the tennis player. I have read these and now have worked out 92 days out of last 115 days doing intense crazy workouts. What i want to tell you is when your WILL is strong and we are persistent no goal is unattainable. You say you tried to make money but i don't see much perseverance there, you are giving up easy. And i used to be like that thats why i keep writing to you because i know once you build your mind any obstacle will be nothing in front of you. All obstacles will be shattered to pieces. If i could get to this kind of energy from where i was anyone like you can also do it too. We try to look for results too soon instead of keep going forward with all our might and strength. When we have focused energy everyday then the Divine power gets behind it. YOu don't need to believe these, but as Yogananda says try it for yourself. These are scientific principles. Meditation and action together is a most potent combination. i urge you to read these and go about your business like never before. Success will be yours. You will need to just be consistent for like 40-60 days and then you will see that power surge as you mind becomes stronger and stronger. then you will just flow into action with full power and that will become your life. At that point you will be on such a high and be unstoppable.

These 2 books for me united the material going after and spiritual divine power together. It was a blessing to see Rafael Nadal's work ethic everyday training no matter what, how tired, sleep or no sleep, hungry or not hungry. He touched the Divine with his action. You read his book and tell me how much is your effort compared to him. Then we know what we are missing. reading and following these built enormous mental strength for me too that i never in my life had before.


answered 03 Jun '13, 19:07

abrahamloa's gravatar image


edited 04 Jun '13, 13:22

Do what the material way with physical action?

(03 Jun '13, 20:47) flowsurfer

whatever material desires you have... like if you want to make money or you want to meet someone .. you can always take physical action too in getting it done...

(03 Jun '13, 21:06) abrahamloa

And if my material desire is for youth? To be tall? Or money and the physical and mental freedom to enjoy it? The main thing that keeps me from "work" is how little it gets me relative to how much it costs me. That includes entrepreneurial work, not just jobs.

(03 Jun '13, 23:09) flowsurfer

I was feeling reasonably OK, thinking "if I do this, at least my financial situation will improve" and focusing on that. I went to sleep in a good mood. I then had a dream in which I lost everything and had my hopes crushed again. I was very sad. When I woke up I was relieved that it was just a dream but at the same time I remembered the fear and sadness of losing both what I want and what I'm trying to settle for. I've lost everything multiple times. I don't know if I can handle another loss.

(04 Jun '13, 01:37) flowsurfer

Because before, even after I felt abandoned by God, there was still a vague hope that I could be rescued by those around me. Not in the sense of having enough to eat and a place to sleep, in a deeper sense. I lost that illusion so I don't have a psychological safety net anymore.

(04 Jun '13, 01:42) flowsurfer

But for me to become too timid and afraid of taking risks is to guarantee failure.

(04 Jun '13, 01:46) flowsurfer

please read my edit...

(04 Jun '13, 13:22) abrahamloa

What you wrote sounds so meaningless to me.

I'm tired of reading books.

(04 Jun '13, 14:13) flowsurfer

lol.. no worries... i can understand that... we all trying to just give stuff that worked for us in our own genuine experience... i am sure eventually you will find your own ..

(04 Jun '13, 14:18) abrahamloa
showing 2 of 9 show 7 more comments

I like my comment so much, I decided to convert it to an answer. Correction - Satchmo deserves more respect - "What a Wonderful World" should be an answer; not a comment.


Your reply was "No it isn't". It is a Wonderful World. Change your view flow - it's a CHOICE - otherwise you'll keep getting more of what you don't want.

Ask yourself this question: "Do you live in a friendly or unfriendly Universe.

"The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe."

                                                                 ~  Albert Einstein

"Remember that you get what you think about, whether you want it or not. So if you believe that this is an unfriendly universe, you’ll look for examples to support this point of view."

                                                                ~ Wayne Dyer

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"

                                                                ~ Wayne Dyer


It's a Choice flowsurfer -- listen to the following video again & again.



This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 04 Jun '13, 00:52

ele's gravatar image


edited 05 Jun '13, 02:21

For a while I thought I lived in a friendly universe. Now I'm not so sure.

(04 Jun '13, 05:12) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer When did this change happen & why?

(04 Jun '13, 17:28) ele

Because I paid attention. There wasn't one moment. There were a series of shocks. By shock I don't mean event, simply a realization that hit me. I'd bounce back but then the shock would knock me out again. It all boils down to an awareness of physical fragility (death, injury and sickness) and decay (aging), which means I lack control over the most important part of my life. This spills over, it makes me too unstable, short-sighted and timid to earn money and has detrimental social effects.

(05 Jun '13, 01:38) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer “If you shield the mountain from the wind storms, you never see the beauty of the carvings." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

No one said we would live forever. Wayne Dyer was diagnosed with leukemia a couple yrs ago .

"Everything that shows up in our lives has something to teach us, Be content. Know that whatever comes along, you can handle it and grow from it.” ~ Wayne Dyer

(05 Jun '13, 02:05) ele

@flowsurfer "it makes me too unstable, short-sighted and timid to earn money and has detrimental social effects." That's a belief & beliefs can be changed.

As for aging - age gracefully...

You can heal those "events"...

(05 Jun '13, 02:07) ele

I don't think you bother to understand what I am saying or how I feel before replying.

(05 Jun '13, 02:24) flowsurfer

I'm sorry I disappointed you. I empathize. I know you're hurting, scared & are feeling helpless. I mentioned counseling before. When another user needs help - you jump right in & give good sound advice - you're very caring & you 'know'. You are intelligent, articulate, kind & compassionate & I could go on & on & on. Self love builds self confidence. As you are learning to love yourself unconditionally, perhaps you could start a home business - you have many talents & you're truly gifted.

(05 Jun '13, 02:38) ele

@flowsurfer I'm going to repeat what I said earlier - Change your thoughts & your life will change. Beliefs can be changed & it all comes down to making a Choice.


(05 Jun '13, 02:45) ele
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