I do habitual introspective exercises. I recently realised that I have a lot of resentment towards my ex-husband because during our relationship I perceived him to be weak. I perceived him to not being a man able to stand up for himself and his interests in a direct (and confrontational way); I perceived him to be as having the 'victim' attitude, the attitude that he needed to rely on me for solutions or the way forward. I started resenting this as a burden. To this day he always asks me 'why are you so angry and resentful towards me?'. The truth is I cannot stand him but the truth is also that he is a very good man, honest, reliable and a provider.
So I'm thrown in this complex web of doubt. I do not feel any love for him. I was never attracted sexually to him. I was initially attracted to him because I perceived him to be mature, strong and reliable. When I got to know him I realised he needed a lot of support, both emotionally and also in terms of decision-making. This took a toll on me to the extent that I felt burnt out.
The resentment and anger are still there and I'd like to heal them, not because I have any desire to go back to him but because I have this little nagging feeling inside me which seems to indicate to me that until I do so, I will not be in the relationship that I truly desire, that I will not be able to experience a deep connection with another man.
I have been dating for a while and I usually have two types of characters that I date: either the self-confident man who seems to be too proud for me to open up completely, or the man with whom I connect very easily with but who is too soft, i.e. and whom I perceive not to be strong, determined, passionate and ambitious.
The thing I resent in my ex-husband seems to be missing also in the men that I date. So I started thinking that my perception or my judgment or something inside me is preventing me from meeting a man whom I perceive to be strong in my terms.
I hope I'm making sense. I'd love your insights into this.
The idea is to imagine in full detail the strong man you would like be with, and all the wonderful feelings that would bring you, and all the relief. Do this a lot. You know it's working when you start to feel good.
With the imaginary strong man in your life, you will feel that you have a strong man in your life, and that will connect you to the energy of having a strong man in your life- and that will allow you to go much easier on whatever men you may be flirting with in the mean time, because you no longer need them in order to connect with a strong man in your life. Makes sense?
Paradoxically, this may cause the men who already are in your life to become stronger, because you're not constantly beating up on them any more. But it also may be someone new. Doesn't matter, you'll see. Just keep imagining the strong man in your life.
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