Im in a really unhealthy codependent mix-up with my mom. I realized how much I simply do not want my mom in my life, period (and I feel almost bad for saying that). She has traumatized me verbally and made me feel like every single action I take in life is wrong. This really began at age 17 (I ran away from home) and things have just escalated from there. I'm currently at a point where I am extremely uncomfortable in my skin, and rarely let anyone new in my life. My only real friend is an ex girlfriend.

I've cut my mom off for a time and went to stay with my dad for a couple weeks. That was One of the first time in a long time that I felt like my life could amount to anything. I decided to move back in with my mom under the pretense that I wanted to heal whatever issues I had with her, but I slowly began regressing to my old ways/habits (addiction and distractions)

At the end of the day, I know that this has nothing to do with my mom, and everything to do with me and the power I've given to her. I know that wherever I go, I bring myself with me. With that being said, I would rather cut her off for a time and deal with my mother issues without her. I constantly feel worthless, unmotivated, and disrespected when I'm around her, but simultaneously feel irritated with myself that I need her out of my life to feel ok.

I guess my question is do I keep a relationship with a mother who I feel is disrespectful and abusive towards me and attempt to not let her words hurt me. Or do I cut ties and heal from a distance (which a part of me considers running away).

asked 15 Aug '18, 13:48

lilfrankster101's gravatar image

lilfrankster101
42816

1

In short, to tell you the truth, if you think you will be better off without her in your presence, you should probably move away; if you have anywhere to go. And from there see how things will develop. That seems the simplest way. I mean, you can always move back in with her again(I suppose).

(15 Aug '18, 17:45) Marin

(06 Jan '19, 14:50) ele
1

"Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don't do that. Someday we'll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally into you." ~ Maya Angelou

(06 Jan '19, 14:56) ele
showing 0 of 3 show 3 more comments

Do you stay in a bad relationship and overcome it, or Heal from a distance

There can never be a "right" answer to this that someone else can give you...it's always about you and your vibration (indicated by how you feel) - and even that can vary from day to day.

As you've insightfully noted, this is not about your mother but about you.


  • If someone pushes your buttons, it's because you gave them the buttons to push

  • If someone pushes you over the edge, you must have been standing on the edge already

The easiest time to get your "alignment" back is when you are not triggered by the external condition ( What do you do when you live with someone who blames you for all their problems? ) so if you have to do something physically to get yourself into a non-triggered vibrational space for a while (while you shift some vibrational setpoints), that can be helpful.

There's nothing wrong with taking a physical action in order to allow a vibrational change process to begin because, quite often, the existing momentum of Law of Attraction on a longstanding chronic "issue" is too powerful to allow a "head on" vibrational approach (manifestational-absence dominates).

The enlightened use of medication works this way (take a medicine and during the time of feeling better, shift some vibrations), the 30 Day Vortex Challenge works this way, even Meditation itself is nothing more than doing a physical action in order to get the vibrational change.

So what I'm saying is don't feel that "running away" is somehow a bad option because it's a physical action, rather than a vibrational one, but just be aware that no matter where you go, you take your existing vibration with you...

...so, sooner or later, those pushable buttons might be pushed by someone else, and those cliff-top strolls might result in someone else giving you an over-the-edge nudge.

link

answered 16 Aug '18, 03:29

Stingray's gravatar image

Stingray
93.4k21125367

edited 16 Aug '18, 03:40

Listen to Abraham Hicks Vortex Meditation on Relationships. On youtube. Listen 17 times, breathing with the 3/5 count and your answer will appear. You already know your answer, but too much static is blocking you.

Each time you will hear it differently as you are changing. Listen to it once each day, or more. Early morning with earphones.

link

answered 25 Sep '18, 11:48

Dollar%20Bill's gravatar image

Dollar Bill
11.9k27113

I have been in a similar situation recently and here is what I have done:

1. I did everything I could to feel peace inside me.

You need this in order to feel, hear your guidance. I wasn't doing very well with the classic meditation, my mind was very active so I managed to feel at peace and letting go using a catholic style meditation called the Rosary. I had to move from living with her because I was feeling very anxious about her and I wasn't able to feel at peace in the same house with her.(but the opportunity to move came) After a couple of months of meditating daily, first thing after waking up, I clearly felt at peace.

During this period I had times when I wanted to go back, help her out, but something stopped me every time, I felt clearly the guidance not to go. Without this guidance I wouldn't have made it.

2. After a while I started to interact with her a little, once a day. I was careful no to lose the peace inside me. Each time I felt a negative emotion (and they will come) I asked myself the question:

"What would I have to believe is true about myself in order to feel this way about this thing?" (this is a question that Bashar mentions in the book Transforming Core Beliefs for finding the wrong definitions/beliefs we hold)

I always received an answer about a belief/definition I hold. (I tried to ask this question I heard from Bashar also before feeling peace inside, but without any result, so quieting your mind to feel the guidance is very important)

Bashar mentions that after you acknowledge a belief it is no longer a habit but a choice.

3. After acknowledging a lot of negative beliefs related to her, it is no longer that difficult for me to interact with her but I am still careful not to lose the peace I have inside me when I am close to her. This is the most important, to keep the peace inside, hear my guidance, this makes me feel much more "in control" when I am close to her.

I also bought a book from practical psychology to help me acknowledge more easy the limiting beliefs I hold because of her way of treating me. I had them all that were mentioned in the book. (mine was a book for daughters raised by narcissistic mothers so I am not sure if it would help you but there are a lot of books with great reviews if you search on Google)

Also I think, this happened to me because at some point in my childhood I was convinced by her that her guidance is better for me than my own guidance. This was a mistake that I want to correct from now on, Charles Hannel mentions : "The subconscious mind does not engage in the process of proving. It relies upon the conscious mind, 'the watchman at the gate,' to guard it from mistaken impressions"

Bashar also mentions in Transforming Core Beliefs:

"If there is something not comfortable that rubs you in the wrong way find out what your definition is of your relationship to it. Or who you've been taught to define yourself in relationship to it. You cannot have an emotion before having a definition about that thing".

I also had to move through some anger and blaming of her (which I allowed) during this period, this post explains why is needed:

Why are people mean to each other?

I allowed it but didn't stay much in anger/blame because I wanted to heal and not to hold a grudge on her, clearly she lost her way too ...and it might be that she finds it too, after you find it (but that's not your business)

link

answered 06 Jan '19, 01:37

White%20Elf's gravatar image

White Elf
5878

edited 06 Jan '19, 03:15

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