Do you live with a "blamer"? How do you get free of being the one blamed for everything that goes wrong?
asked 19 Mar '11, 06:11
showing 1 of 2 show 1 more comments
As hard as it can be to hear in the midst of a blaming session, it's never about the other person, it's always about you.
If it is true that we create every aspect of our realities (which it is) then we must also be creating the experience of other people blaming us for their own vibrational mishaps. There must be some element within us that is attracting that behavior from them.
So by changing the way you feel about them blaming you, they must change because you are attracting something different from them.
The trap here is not to attempt that change when you are in the midst of being blamed because your noticing of their behavior will probably keep dominating your awareness and keep dragging you back to your habitual vibration.
The time to attempt vibrational change is when they are not around (perhaps asleep), or even if they are in a good mood and you are enjoying being with them (if your relationship has not already deteriorated beyond that point).
Take those "alone" moments to move your vibrational setpoint (using whatever method you prefer) and then don't look for evidence of change from them.
Just make it your only target to be happy within yourself regardless of what they do and say (good or bad), and eventually the behavior from them will change - but by that time you will be so secure in your own vibration that you may not even notice :)
EDIT - October 30, 2012
Came across this Abraham quote today and thought it would be worth adding here. The last sentence is especially insightful.
answered 19 Mar '11, 10:34
I know what you say is about the Law Of Attraction, this seems if I change my vibration my father will change and that will change me too? I like the explanations of Catherine Pratt more, they are more precise but in a similar vane.
(19 Mar '11, 11:33) Wade Casaldi
Stingray, my husband used to be one of those perfectionist/blamers type. Your last paragraph describes perfectly what I ended up doing and yes it works. He is a changed man just as I am a changed woman. Which I find sad in a way how when you're catering to a loved one, doing all that you can to make them happy, they treat you like a door mat, and when you turn away and start taking care of yourself instead, they become appreciative! If that's not crazy, I don't know what is, but our mates are one of our best teachers!
(19 Mar '11, 16:47) daniele
@daniele - Yes, I agree, those people (of whom our mates, children etc) are a part really are our best teachers: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/11793/how-to-resist-negative-energy-incorporate-positive-in-another/11863#11863
(19 Mar '11, 18:14) Stingray
I have reached the point you mention. I have learned to just not care, and to go about my business...But this attitude has not changed my family's treatment of me one whit.....Oh, well...Their loss, perhaps? >>>>>>>>
(20 Mar '11, 02:34) Jaianniah
@Jaianniah - if you are still noticing that their attitude has not changed, are you sure you have really learned not to care? To understand what I mean, take a look at: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/11945/how-do-i-deal-with-something-i-really-dont-want-to-do-until-something-better-com/11954#11954
(20 Mar '11, 06:41) Stingray
So it is my fault that my mom blames me for everything?
(23 Feb '12, 10:10) Fairy Princess
@Fairy Princess - It couldn't be any other way. It's a co-creation. You are responsible for playing your part in the experience and she is playing hers. I notice in the space of one sentence, you used the words "fault" and "blame"...if you are not convinced of this concept then perhaps there is something there for you to think about? :)
(23 Feb '12, 10:28) Stingray
@Stingray-sometimes you say to improve your vibration of something and look for improvements (vibrational matches) and other times not to.why is this? thanks ;-)
(23 Feb '12, 12:44) Satori
@Satori - Interesting point. I hadn't noticed myself doing that before. I think it's because I try to tailor the answer to the person asking it whenever possible. If someone is stuck in lack (and is having trouble identifying the feeling of lack within themselves) then asking them to observe vibrational matches is probably going to re-trigger the lack and be self-defeating. Ideally, you would always want to use vibrational matches to boost your confidence that things are changing.
(23 Feb '12, 14:12) Stingray
@Stingray-I get it now.Although come to think you have said on a lot of occasions,to Not look for vibrational matches,let them come to you. And in the case of Focus Blocks, you say, do the process just to feel better, not to create a change, which I guess is what you also mean with this answer.thanks:)
(23 Feb '12, 14:40) Satori
@Stingray - Yes, I said that on purpose. I have been doing some inward work, and it reveals that my mom blames me for everything. This has caused me quite a bit of confusion and frustration. How do you stop attracting blame from others?
(24 Feb '12, 00:41) Fairy Princess
@Fairy Princess - Ultimately it comes down to letting go of the meaning you've attached to this experience. When you let go of the "judgement" that your mom is blaming you, it takes the emotional sting out of it. Your mom is really being your best friend in highlighting what you are emitting vibrationally. That behavior could not exist in your reality unless it is matching something within you. It's that "something" that needs cleaning up.
(24 Feb '12, 03:55) Stingray
@Stingray - She has done it my whole life. So where did that vibration come from? My parents?
(24 Feb '12, 11:34) Fairy Princess
@Fairy Princess - "She has done it my whole life" ...Really? As your head emerged from your mother's womb, a tirade of fault and blame came out of your mother's mouth directed towards you? :) Hmmm...not sure about that :) I can't speak for why you are vibrating how you are because I'm not you. But you don't need to know what started it off in order to clear it now
(24 Feb '12, 11:43) Stingray
@Stingray - Thank you for your patience, you are such a blessing. She gives me clues today that explain the way she has treated me as long as I can remember.She also is very direct about it sometimes. She says stuff like, "I was never that way before, you were such a difficult child." So she litterally tells me that she is who she is because of me. This is just one example. Yes, the whole point of any of it is to clear it up. Sometimes that is a lot of work. The first step is know what to clear.
(24 Feb '12, 11:50) Fairy Princess
"So by changing the way you feel about them ,blaming you, they must change because you are attracting something different from them."
Stingray Thank You , this Leapt off the page at me , I've copied it to my desktop as a reminder, that I have done this before and almost instantly seen a difference.
My reference is not necessarily to blaming , more other ways people behave towards one :) ♥♥♥
(22 Oct '12, 22:46) Starlight
@Starlight - You're welcome. Yes, the principle works in relation to any kind of behavior that anyone displays to you.
Abraham once suggested an experiment to anyone that didn't believe this principle...pick the "nicest" person you can find in your reality and start to find faults with them everyday (in your mind), and simultaneously find the "nastiest" person in your reality and similarly find good things about them everyday...then watch in amazement at how they swap personalities :)
(24 Oct '12, 03:48) Stingray
@Stingray , yes I have a vague recollection of Abraham saying about the difference in 2 waitress who looked after them and how a perception change of the second one was then reflected back to them soonest . Thank you for the gentle reminder , Abraham has so opened my eyes ♥♥♥
(24 Oct '12, 04:08) Starlight
The funny thing is, I knew this and have successfully used it. Sometimes when we feel trapped, we can't see the latch is already open.
(24 Oct '12, 08:16) Fairy Princess
@Stingray- Brilliant update Stingray. Very insightful especially the last line as you say. Thank you. :)
(30 Oct '12, 13:29) Satori
@Stingray - Your update is wonderful. I found this Abraham quote in my email this morning, and almost posted this in answer to my own question! Synchronicity is exciting to me. :) Thank you for sharing. And yes! the last sentence is so encouraging, in my view.
(30 Oct '12, 14:04) Grace
"If it is true that we create every aspect of our realities (which it is) then we must also be creating the experience of other people blaming us for their own vibrational mishaps. There must be some element within us that is attracting that behavior from them."
This is true for sure...when we become a target of someone we are most certainly doing something that is making us that target. The trick to to learn what we are doing that is making us vulnerable to people who lack respect for others.
(01 Feb '14, 11:46) Pacal Votan
@Stingray what about say general IT support staff maybe who gets blamed out of the blue when the systems go down, when the software has bugs, etc.. I guess you could say the IT support staff attracted himself into such a job, but its hard to see how the blaming will stop if he stays in this line (he could probably reduce the amount of blaming but there would still be a few unreasonable clients probably ?)
(28 Apr '15, 12:03) kakaboo
@kakaboo - Sure, there are plenty of careers (I've had a few) where being blamed comes with the job description. It's not about avoiding the blame from "unreasonable" people, it's about whether that blame bothers you at all. You can reach the place where you are so secure and calm within yourself that even someone shouting angrily directly at you has no effect on you.
Abraham call it being "unhurtable":
(29 Apr '15, 08:50) Stingray
@Stingray yup I get that one can just practise to a point where the blaming will not affect them in any way at all. But what I'm referring to is the behaviour "change" that you and Abraham mentioned in your answer. That even if one can not be affected by the blame, the blaming would still be there in a way if the job/career comes along with it. The thing that has "changed" is one's response to it, but not the blame itself.
(30 Apr '15, 08:47) kakaboo
@kakaboo - "The thing that has "changed" is one's response to it, but not the blame itself" - Ah, you are back to your absolute realities theme again :) ...the "if a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound if there is no-one to hear it" thing. In other words, you are saying that since you (as a third party) are observing one person performing a "blaming" act on another then the "victim" of the blame must be somehow suffering the blame but putting up with it. But the act of...
(30 Apr '15, 15:01) Stingray
@kakaboo - observing the interaction and assigning a value judgement of "blame" to it is your interpretation of your vibrational response to what is happening, not what is actually being interpreted by the two others you are observing. For example, if you've ever spent time with a couple that have been together for many years, you'll notice many behaviors between them that might be surprising or shocking to outsiders like outbursts of anger, traded insults and so on. Yet the actual...
(30 Apr '15, 15:05) Stingray
@kakaboo - couple themselves are not remotely bothered. It's just the way their relationship is and they are both fine with it. You might even observe one of them apparently "blaming" the other for something at times and vice versa. Yet they both seem to be happy being together. So isn't the issue really about certain observed behaviors making you feel uncomfortable rather than them? When I used to work in journalism and deadlines were looming fast and we were late, the behaviors you...
(30 Apr '15, 15:12) Stingray
@kakaboo - would see many engaged in would easily be called "blaming" (and much worse) but no-one involved saw it that way. It was just part of the job and after the deadline had passed, everyone was friends again. So where's the problem if no-one is bothered by a behavior that you might be interpreting as "blame"? As one of the parties involved, if I do not see "blame" but you (as an outside observer) do see it, does the "blame" really exist? :) I hope I'm making my point clear :)
(30 Apr '15, 15:22) Stingray
@Stingray well I guess trying to understand it from an analytical point of view made it a little harder :). Basically, you are saying that for instance, a job in IT support, to someone who is outside of that field, that someone may interpret certain events as "blaming", but for a person who enjoys being in IT support, the same "blaming" may just be something that is "no big deal" and just part of the job, and so it doesnt really affect the person working in that line at all.
(05 May '15, 04:16) kakaboo
@Stingray If I have understood what you said correctly, that only applies to people who "enjoy" the job though and be able to treat this "blaming" as no big deal. What if someone lands up in the same IT support job due to forced circumstances, and he is unable to treat the "blaming" the same way as the first guy. Then he proceeds to apply what you have said originally in your answer..(just take it as he applied it successfully) what is the thing that is going to change here?
(05 May '15, 04:22) kakaboo
@Stingray so now the 2nd person has managed to change the way he feel about "blaming" to the same as the first guy, the "blaming" has now become something thats not a big deal to him anymore.. will his circumstances change ? But then his circumstances wouldnt need to change anymore if he is already not affected by the "blaming" anymore, wouldnt it ?
(05 May '15, 04:25) kakaboo
@kakaboo - "treat this "blaming" as no big deal" - Yes, in fact, there are many who enjoy the process of "uplifting" others from their bad feelings so, to them, each "blame" incident is another opportunity to provide their "service".
(05 May '15, 05:20) Stingray
@kakaboo - ""blaming" has now become something thats not a big deal to him anymore.. will his circumstances change ?" - Yes, there's no choice but for physical reality to match up to the new improved vibrational setpoint...provided any clattering effects are ignored and the 2nd person is open to change happening regardless of its form.
(05 May '15, 05:25) Stingray
@kakaboo - "his circumstances wouldnt need to change anymore if he is already not affected by the blaming anymore" - That's what the logical mind says and I think this is one of the reasons people unconsciously resist doing vibrational work- because they think nothing will change if they feel better.
What is being missed here is that the Broader Self has expanded because of the original desire so change must happen to match the expansion. Effectively, you can't un-desire a desire.
(05 May '15, 05:29) Stingray
@Stingray think gonna ask again as a question later when I have the time, difficult to comment here haha
(05 May '15, 12:26) kakaboo
@kakaboo - "think gonna ask again as a question later" - Fairy Nuff :) Others may have very different viewpoints to mine so always a good idea to ask a new question if you're still not convinced. Another's way of expressing it might resonate more strongly with you.
(05 May '15, 14:00) Stingray
@stingray What if you are a witness to someone who is always blaming someone else? I'm living with my parents now for a short while and my mum appears to be constantly finding fault and blaming my dad for everything, which I find upsetting. I guess I should be changing my response to this situation, but then "the reality" would seem as if I was being uncaring and not supportive of my dad.
(06 May '15, 08:55) Inner Beauty
@Inner Beauty - "would seem as if I was being uncaring and not supportive" - Consider climbers ascending a steep cliff face. They often rope themselves together so that if one falls, the rest can hold firm and support the faller. If instead they felt it was uncaring to allow a falling climber to fall alone and they all threw themselves off as well to "empathize" then all that would achieve would be an unpleasant mess at the cliff base for the rescue services to clean up later :)
(07 May '15, 04:16) Stingray
@stingray - point taken! :-)
(07 May '15, 22:40) Inner Beauty
@Inner Beauty - "mum... blaming my dad... which I find upsetting... changing my response... would seem as if I was being uncaring and not supportive of my dad."
Think of it like this. You're upset about observing the blame, so you vibrationally mold your upsetness to a better-feeling place. You then feel upset about being percieved as uncaring / unsupportive. Solution? You vibrationally mold your upsetness about being perceived that way...
(08 May '15, 03:01) WeRadiateBeauty
Feel guilt about molding away your vibration about being perceived as uncaring? Well, you can mold the guilt away too... know that any negative emotion you feel is simply a result of you holding a thought that is not in alignment with your "Inner Beauty" :-) And there's no point holding on to a thought that is out of alignment. Only good can come from releasing your clench around discordant thoughts and softening your vibrational stance.
(08 May '15, 03:07) WeRadiateBeauty
Thanks @WeRadiateBeauty - you explained it beautifully.
(08 May '15, 06:57) Inner Beauty
showing 2 of 44 show 42 more comments
My ex was very blaming, picky, argumentative, fault finding, overly critical and controlling. After a long time of working on myself, trying to make changes in the household, trying to keep him happy, going to counseling and countless other things I had to conclude, as Michael wrote about Confucius, that my true path was right out the door. This was the best thing I could have ever done and I never regret it. And he still pulls the same tricks on the people around him, so I made the right decision.
It was a great feeling to find my real self again afterward..... even simple things like deciding to work overtime, or to go out after work with a friend, or join a gym, or decide to put seashells in the bathroom were all fun decisions without him around to complain and blame. How great it felt to not be on egg-shells all the time, and the extent of that was not fully realized until after it was over. The next few years of my life were a lot of fun; like a kid again! So a person like I described can do a lot of damage to you and it's not to be taken lightly.
But if you are staying in the relationship or must, some coping mechanisms are saying to them, "Sorry you always feel the need to be right, that must suck to feel that way".....or "Sorry you can't feel good without hurting my feelings; it must suck to be a bully." These statements or something like it can sometimes stop them in their tracks at least for awhile. Sadly, they do realize they are hurtful and will sometimes stop for the time being. You can also mirror back to them what they are saying. Example, "Wait. Just to be clear. You are saying that it's MY fault that the garage door is broken? Really? They don't wear out? Did I break all of the broken doors around town or just ours?" At that point, faced with logic they will sometimes laugh. Another thing is to explain what you will accept.....example: "If you insist on raising your voice over this small issue I am going to walk away. I don't want to listen to that." And so forth.......
Don't let it get to you. Keep your dignity. Use strategy so that you have some power as well. Think about getting away from this person. Who needs someone like that in their life consistently sucking away your happiness?
answered 19 Mar '11, 13:00
Oh the times in which I wanted to do what you did! I am glad you're happy now LeeAnn, you deserve all the best!
(19 Mar '11, 16:58) daniele
Thank you Daniele and best wishes...
(20 Mar '11, 02:27) LeeAnn 1
(20 Mar '11, 02:36) Jaianniah
I lived with a blamer and the best thing that happened in my life was when she walked away. I had spent years trying all Tony Robbins the secret councilling but it was not until she left that I changed. Because we can effect others with our vibrations so they must be able to affect us. The more powerful their intellect control the more effect they can have on you.
(24 Oct '12, 09:06) suds
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments
I have been finding Catherine Pratt's book BLAMERS (Stop The Anguish And Start Taking Back Control Of Your Life) very helpful, in it she identified all the traits of blamers. She as well identified all the traits of the victims of blamers.
1. Rarely apologizes for his behavior: He is right, he did nothing wrong its all you, you are the one that made a big deal out of it.
2. Demands a huge amount of attention: it is his world, he is the center and everyone else should agree, he is the only one that knows what he is talking about.
3. Expects you to drop everything and concentrate on him only: if you were going to a party cancel it what is more important me or some dumb party, just cancel it I am coming over you better be home!
4. Is unaware of how destructive his attitudes are: Nothing is his fault, he is always right, if you are having a hard time with that you must be doing it the wrong way.
5. Demands understanding from you: He can be general about telling you to do something but it had better be done the way he would do it if he did it himself. You are just an extension of him you ought to understand a simple task he wants what's the matter with you?
6. Expects you to completely agree with him: How could you not? After all he is always right, he has to do the thinking for everyone.
7. Constantly makes negative comments about you to others: Oh what are you upset about can't you take a joke, or how about some criticisms, oh look Eddie painted his house finely geesh he should have hired a pro! Now it looks worse than before!
8. Only looks for wrong in situations and what is wrong about you: Why did you pick this restaurant? What do they have good here? Look now we have to wait in line for our table! Where is our waitress I need more coffee. This food is giving me gas I told you we should have ate someplace else. I know I said we could eat anyplace but you picked the worst place to eat, I don't know why you just had to pick here of all places!
9. Escalates if you defend yourself or blame him back: It is all your fault and you accuse me? What is the matter with you? You don't know what you are talking about! Why do you like to argue? You have to argue with me don't you? You are not happy unless you are arguing with me, are you?
10. Senses your deepest insecurities: He knows what buttons to push to get you to agree or shut up.
There are 52 traits listed these are just ten, now for victims of blamers again I'll list ten.
1. You have problems knowing what your own needs are: After all your needs are never important anyway only the blamers needs are, drop whatever you are doing to make him happy now.
2. When criticized you feel bad or ashamed of your self: You must have again not satisfied your blamer, you did something wrong again, what's the matter with you!
3. You tend to be critical of yourself: I never get anything right, I don't know what I am doing, my blamer has to do all the thinking for us both, I am nothing without him.
4. You expect to be constantly criticized by other people: I never do anything right, if my blamer is always noticing how screwed up I am everyone else will too, I can never make anyone happy no matter what I do, oh no a phone call from my insurance company! Are they going to yell at me, put me down expose me as someone who doesn't know anything!
5. You are sensitive to comments from others: Even if it is a positive comment you know that person is putting you down in some way, yeah she says she likes my car but what must she be thinking probably why some idiot like me has a nice car like this that is probably it! Or you hear something about some help and think, what are you saying I need help, that you don't think I do this good enough?
6. You doubt yourself: Maybe I should do this, maybe not, I better ask my blamer what I should do.
7. You look for someone to save you or tell you they love you: This is a hard one you want to be loved but find it very hard to love, you know that at any moment it will all fall apart she'll find something wrong with you then it is over because you never were worthy or good enough for her to begin with!
8. You find it hard to share your true thoughts or feelings: You know if you do you will just be criticized for it. It will be put down and you'll find out why you were stupid to think that in the first place so why share these feelings and thoughts?
9. You find it hard to have close relationships with others: How can you possibly, you are obviously not good enough, a failure, and there is something wrong with you, you can't even handle the simplest task without screwing something up, you don't know what you are doing or talking about.
10. You are a people pleaser and want to make sure everyone is happy: Everyone else comes before you, you must always put yourself last, everyone else's happiness matters, if someone disapproves of you in any way it is like torture to you so you must make sure everyone is happy. You don't matter only everyone else's happiness and most above everyone else your blamer's happiness, even if you have to change an entire event last minute for your blamer that may affect many people!
That was 10 out of 26 traits.
Catherine does say to deal with this the only way out is to change our own beliefs about ourselves because a blamer will never change and see the light, in his eyes there is no need to change, he is right always.
Four changes she says to start with are:
She seems to be saying separate yourself from your blamer, do not see that your happiness relies on his happiness. That the only way you can be happy is to finely do something right that the blamer says that was great (without) the "but you should have" in there! It is not going to happen and you need to realize that, don't expect him to ever understand your pain, worry, fear or anxiety over talking with him. He never will and to him you will be blowing everything out of proportion and trying to make him look like the bad guy, you attacking him for no reason, "what's the matter with you attacking him like that!" He never would understand even with quiet reasoning just avoid it. She goes on to explain a lot in her book I highly recommend it! This that I wrote is tinny compared to her book.
Here are two links both to the full book and the free chapters book.
Dealing With Blamers Three Case Studies
BLAMERS (Stop The Anguish And Start Taking Back Control Of Your Life)
answered 19 Mar '11, 13:10
Very good point Wade! I would also add praying for your "blamer/perfectionist" to be healed.
(19 Mar '11, 16:54) daniele
Thank you Daniele that is very good and shows me something else, I am a perfectionist too. Thank you so much for pointing this out. I agree, and now know perfectionism is another problem not an attribute.
(20 Mar '11, 00:29) Wade Casaldi
Thanks, Wade, for your very informative post! Love>>>>>>>>>>>
(20 Mar '11, 02:37) Jaianniah
This made a lot of sense to me. Thanks so much!
(30 Oct '12, 13:35) Halcyon
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments
Others have given great advice, and I just wanted to add one thing. I have lived with a blamer. I would get bothered and outraged by it, and the more I was angry about being blamed, the more I got blamed! If you focus on the blame, you not only accept it, but you are attracting more.
The good news is, there is a way to be unaffected. You cannot change the other person, and attempting to do so will most likely cause more frustration. You can, however, change your own perspective about it, which will change how you feel about it.
The blamer is presenting you with a definition about yourself that you do not prefer or do not agree with. If you accept a definition about yourself that you do not prefer, it will cause distress.
Imagine if someone came up to you and said, "I hate your orange socks!" You can get angry, upset, fight back, OR, you can look at them and think, "What an odd fellow, my socks aren't orange, they're white,", and be on your way completely unaffected. You can apply this to any definition someone else has about you that is not your reality.
It's all about changing your perspective.
answered 24 Oct '12, 15:06
You can NEVER change ones behavior,, only they can do this,all you can do is accept that they cannot change n know yourself well enough to dismiss all of their negativity that is being directed to you!! You are the ONLY one who can choose to feel good or bad from others behavior !!! love n light , rob
answered 19 Mar '11, 23:02
TReb Bor yit-NE
It is really hard to read your writing. I am sorry I have to say this.>>>>>>>>>
(20 Mar '11, 02:40) Jaianniah
i am sorry, i will try to get it a lil better, love n light
(20 Mar '11, 14:35) TReb Bor yit-NE
I agree. Tell your channeled guy to bone up on the english,,Oor, rihgt it down on papier and convert it.
(21 Mar '11, 02:21) The Knights Alchemy
Yes, I agree, distracting too.
(22 Mar '11, 19:36) Fairy Princess
thats hillarious, you gave me a lesson on english with a missspelled word u said "rihgt it down on papier" 1st of all right is miss spelled second of all you do not right something you write it, also look at paper lol :-)
(22 Mar '11, 23:03) TReb Bor yit-NE
,, i am just kidding, tryng to give you a hard time, and i will have to say to you all, if you have been following my new post you will all relize that i stoped my shorthanded WRITTING and am now doing full, thank you all, i usaly do not care if others do not like it but i am starting to see if i am trying to help spmeone and they can not read it, than i am not helping very much am i?? love n light , rob
(22 Mar '11, 23:03) TReb Bor yit-NE
Thanks for Stepping Up rob 8-)
(24 Mar '11, 12:01) Eddie
you are very welcome eddie. at first i realy thought you were a very critical person but i have come to see your coomments and advice and you are a very smart and a very carefull man. you do not just believ things to do it. you learn and see what is best for you. i admire that, love n light, rob
(24 Mar '11, 21:04) TReb Bor yit-NE
showing 2 of 8 show 6 more comments
i feel this way most of the time from my family...I never grew up with my mom or sisters, so they blame me for their problems, like when my mom gets sick, or why my sister doesn't go to school...it's like i try to help, and get ridiculed for it...i didnt ask to be separated. the biggest blamers are my sister and mother, telling me that im a do nothing, that they shouldnt take my advice cause what do i know im a fuck up. even though im doing eveything i can to make things better. but they dont see that this is why im trying to make sure they dont make the same mistakes. in the end, ive just learned to accept that you cant expect someone to be more than the sum of their parts...and just remember that at the end of the day, do you really care what they think? if you do, why? you and only you are whats most important in your life, if you take care of yourself, others will follow and admire you. and even if the dont, you will feel great about you. good luck and good day.^_^
answered 10 Nov '11, 20:32
My advice would be to asses the broader picture.
If your partner,husband is generally a decent person and the blaming is only one or one of a few faults then on balance you may be with the right person. After all no ones perfect are they.
However if the blaming is a manifestation of a rather damaged person who ultimately isnt making you happy then i would consider getting rid.
I think that any kind of manifestation is possible "EXCEPT" changing another person. Ive tried this many times and have failed miserably. Lets face it, even Source doesnt force change or manifestation on anyone. Even God himself reserves the right on our behalf to be free to be negative as well as positive.
If your partner is exhibiting negative traits theres little you can do. By all means give it a try,but in my experience ( which i grant is limited ) ive found manifesting change in others very difficult if not impossible.
Even Jesus said to his deciples to shake the dust of their feet if they were not accepted.Even Christ ( the ultimate in instant manifestors ) wasnt able to change everyone he came into contact with.
You will im sure get on with your own issues and development,you may have to settle for that.Your partner or indeed family member ( not sure which ) is His /Her own extension of the Father/Source. They have the same autonomy that you have.
This is sometimes a frustration to me. But im learning to let it go a little. But i see your perspective, i really do.
answered 19 Mar '11, 11:06
Thank you so much, Graham. I appreciate your understanding!>>>>>>>
(20 Mar '11, 02:35) Jaianniah
I think the first thing you need to be asking yourself is what part of you is allowing that blame to exist in your life? What part of you is not questioning the people who you are around? What part of you is allowing yourself to continue to be surrounded by that behavior? It should be non-negotiable and unacceptable-only you are allowing yourself to be blamed- and training others to blame you. But there is something in your subconscious that is keeping tat dynamic or the feeling of blame around- either by habit or by some inverse benefit-an unconscious benefit to you. So ask- how is receiving blame from these people keeping me safe or benefiting me in someway? Does it keep me in a small place? Does it keep me dependent in the dynamic between this person or persons? But how is that ultimately serving you and your greatest purpose?
We for the most part are beings that have a choice, even if difficult to take responsibility for that choice and for the choice to choose our own envrionment-when certain insects are living on a host that no longer provides them sustenance or is of toxic nature, they learn to grow wings to find a more healthy host. Nature, outside of habit, learns to find things through growth that actually benefits and supports them. But every form of life contains an instinctual mechanism that draws it to what it needs best- think of a tree that grows roots and leaves to absorb water and light- that ability is already inherant- its programmed latently in the tree. The tree doesn't need to go outside of itself or shrink down- it seeks to grow and provide seeds. Those who do not listen to that call do not thrive- or must face the challenge to realize and change their environment to find something that is more supportive.
answered 31 Oct '12, 00:01
what part of you is allowing that blame to exist in your life? What part of you is not questioning the people who you are around? What part of you is allowing yourself to continue to be surrounded by that behavior? it is not a part of you if you do not do it to other. then where does it come from? from the one doing it to you out of their self rightenous.but they are not able to accept that truth so be mercifull and let them be, it will not serve you to fall in the darkness of inequity and
(31 Oct '12, 01:38) white tiger
conflict. tell me by what you live and i will tell you by what you die,after all if you live by the sword you will die by the sword.
(31 Oct '12, 01:41) white tiger
yes, Kanda, Great view and i wish i reasoned like that long time back. We have to learn to take responsibility and change the dynamic and learn to read and "see" our environment and make changes and choices. I put up sometimes with behavior that humiliates me. Your insight is great and gives me courage and the wise questions i have to answer to myself, about myself. Wish you a great, successful life.
(02 Aug '13, 20:12) Aryanna
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments
Someone who perpetually blames others for things happening around them could very easily be showing signs of other problems. Passive aggressive behavior is synonymous with blame (and many other negative traits too - see below); the passive aggressive person simply cannot accept responsibility. Their behavior could also be attributed to a personality disorder (and there are a few of those too), and most people who are inflicted with a personality disorder are also usually passive aggressive personality types as well.
By being "happy" around these people will only make things worse for you as this will annoy them even more; hence, if you're happy and cheerful around them this will fall under the "fear of competition" point below. They are rarely "cheerful" so if you are continually happy they feel the need to try and "knock you down a notch"; hence, you become a target. The key passive aggressive traits are:
Ambiguity: They will rarely be up front and honest with you
Forgetfulness: They either forget to do something that is important to you, or they will forget that they behaved badly
Blaming: It's never their fault
Fear of Dependency: They're terrified to show that they need you or someone else
Obstructionism: They will surreptitiously get in the way of your own progress
Fear of Competition: They are also terrified that someone will do better than them
Procrastination: They continually drag their feet when it's something important to you
Stubbornness: They rarely change their mind when it's not their idea
Negativity: These are probably the most negative people you will ever meet, which usually drags all those around them down.
The only real way to avoid being a target around these people is to avoid being around these people. One must put as much distance between themselves and the passive aggressive person as possible, or you will be in a continual war that will only wear you down - it's a "lose-lose" situation for you.
I had a very passive aggressive mother and unfortunately the only way I could save myself was to sever ties. Each human being is responsible for their own well-being, and yes we could very well be attracting negative circumstances from a passive aggressive individual. But we also have the power to take action and just "walk away" from that life too. No human being "must" stay and take abuse - we are all responsible for our own well-being and health. However, also keep in mind that this statement only works in a free and open society. For those living in a lawless society, or a dictatorship that will imprison you for anything then you might not be able to simply "walk away".
Even in a free and open society most abused children do not have a choice of course, and in most of these cases by the time they find the strength and knowledge to distance themselves from a negative situation such as abusive parents they will have a lifetime of healing to work through. That might just be the "big lesson" we all have to learn too though, and although it can be done, it usually only succeeds when the tough questions are made and tough answers given...and after we "take action".
answered 01 Feb '14, 12:04
I am the one who lived with two kinds of blamers:The first was my former fiancee. It was impossible for me to continue living with him because besides being a blamer he was angry, selfish, violent( verbally and sometimes physically0, a lousy sex partner, stingy ... At that young age i have realized that me being on the happy, generous, peaceful side I HAD STARTED TO CHANGE FOR THE WORST, and being with him became a struggle, unhappy struggle... So i walked out in spite of the common financial investments we had made, i walked out with nothing. I am soooooooo happy i did. The second is my actual boyfriend: BUT he is kind, with sense of humor, generous, sex is amazing with him, the way he talks and "handles" me is with respect and tenderness. However, he blames and nags at times and has the habit of "telling" me what i should like and want or even need. I am in love with him, he is the one for me. The way i deal with him at the moment is to simply state with a low, nice???!!!, tone of voice that this is what i want and remind him that he is not here to tell me what i like, need or want. I was reacting angrily at the beginning and said things like "Who are you to tell me what i need..... or any of the reactive responses. That kind of attitude did not work at all, but when i learnt to stand my ground in a very firm but calm way he slowly, slowly started to change the way he talks to me. Now he asks me " Honey, what would you like....?" Not in all cases, we have our conflicts sometimes but it is way better than before. Maybe there is a technique of working on vibrations but for sure there comes a time when you have to stand your ground through your attitude: either leave or find a way to work through it without damaging the relationship or yourself.
answered 02 Aug '13, 14:32
Are you not doing the same. You blame the blamer of being blamer. you said:I am the one who lived with two kinds of blamers: then you said all what you judge of those 2 boyfriends. And what you blame them of doing. Let me ask you this if the other person is your reflection would you do the same to that person? And if that person would do it to you and they could not accept it for them self and would not accept it if you would tell them they would ignore it. Would you still tell them? Or can you
(02 Aug '13, 16:33) white tiger
accept that they are not able to see yet? And it would only make more darkness for you and every one around you would you not be the peacemakers and love them for who they are rather then point out or blame them like they do? Would you not have mercy on people for their error?The choice is yours always. Let there be light. Be the light that you can be. experience and enjoy.
(02 Aug '13, 16:38) white tiger
You know that blaming, judging,making division and praising your self make conflict and war. should you not make peace? You all ready know that there is no worse blind then someone that does not want to see. And in this world there is many that will not want to see their own error. They prefer to lives with their lie to praise themselves rather then face the truth. If they would see the truth they would learn from there error and not make them again for them self or other.
(02 Aug '13, 17:08) white tiger
But since they cannot even see it out of their own choice they remain in error and cannot see that they are wretched and there is nothing to praise there. With a faulty scale you get a faulty measure. What is the measure that you use it shall be apply to you. Some think it is God or Jesus that will judge them. They do not know that they will judge them self. to the measure you judge also will you be judge. Do not judge and you will not be judge. The merciful will receive mercy.
(02 Aug '13, 17:15) white tiger
There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms will be proclaimed upon the housetops. http://biblehub.com/luke/12-2.htm
(02 Aug '13, 17:20) white tiger
Dear white tiger, thank you for taking time to answer to me. How do you choose a partner ? Its about selection. And selection implies a certain judging, measuring of what you can accept and what not. If you were my brother and i would, lets say, sniff cocaine ( no worries, i don't ), would you criticize me ? I would be very disappointed if you didn't. But would you blame me for making your liFe miserable with my supposed addiction ? Or would you, for the sake of peace, let me in my error ?
(02 Aug '13, 19:27) Aryanna
I have described two personal experiences related with dealing with blame.The question in this thread says" What do you do when you live with someone who blames you for all their problems?" One was impossible because of the bigger picture,the other possible in spite of the blaming. Read again: i toned down my reactive response to his blaming and he, in his turn, toned down the blaming. A happy end.
(02 Aug '13, 19:56) Aryanna
if you want the truth you should not blame. You should not judge. You should not condemn. Know the truth about what is good and what is not. Use discernment and understanding. the truth is that if they blame you and you do the same from the overflow of your heart are you better then them or are you doing the same? if the overflow of the heart is cause by being blame why keep doing it? it is a perpetual cycle that does not help you nor your neighbor. then how can you love the neighbor as your
(04 Aug '13, 14:59) white tiger
self? if you are not able to love your self and do what is good for you in the first place inside of the cup,in the inner room of the house. I would say that there is a need to go in the desert where no one can give you no pain and clean the inside of the cup using pure water. Being born of water and spirit.
(04 Aug '13, 15:05) white tiger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naehMUQpQY if it takes you 40 days so be it.
(04 Aug '13, 15:16) white tiger
@Aryanna to answer your question about cocaine if you hurt your self and other because you make a bad use of it would you not stop it by your self? and if you are not able would you not seek help? and if you do not see the problem can you not accept that some one that have understanding and discernment talk to you about what you do not see to help you? is it because some take a beer that he is alcoholic? is it because some one try drug that he is addict?-
(05 May '15, 14:23) white tiger
what about people that take legal drug and take it each day are they addict as well? it could help them with physical or mental problem even if it is not the problem solver and more of a band aid and can cause addiction to some people. and what if I tell you the truth about it and do not accept it and want to stay in error by your own choice? if I know that you will not accept the truth then to have peace and not make you worse maybe I would keep it to my self and wait for you to be ready to-
(05 May '15, 14:29) white tiger
face the issue. Since pushing my choice over yours when you are not ready will not help you or me. people in this world are afraid and often they do not want to see truth it scare them that some one know more then them and sometime they are not ready to seek truth or to understand. they prefer to stay where they are with the knowledge they have thinking that they know all but new thing are invented or discover each day. also sometime they will make a division saying my belief is not your belief-
(05 May '15, 14:35) white tiger
face the issue. Since pushing my choice over yours when you are not ready will not help you or me. people in this world are afraid and often they do not want to see truth it scare them that some one know more then them and sometime they are not ready to seek truth or to understand. they prefer to stay where they are with the knowledge they have thinking that they know all but new thing are invented or discover each day. also sometime they will make a division saying my belief as not your belief-
(05 May '15, 14:35) white tiger
even if it is not a question of belief but truth. they will reject people that tell them truth or seek to help them or communicate with them respect their choice as they should respect your choice. you cannot put more in a cup that is full with out having overflow. Good persons produce good from what they've stored up; bad persons produce evil from the wickedness they've stored up in their hearts, and say evil things. For from the overflow of the heart they produce evil.
(05 May '15, 14:42) white tiger
with time you will get to know other people heart and mind and the more you know your self the more you will know other. people that meditate are more good at this because they have got to know them self and other and observed all the interaction from them self and from other knowing that something was not ok and dark in this world. aka the dark night of the soul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbBmpaDBizA
(05 May '15, 14:50) white tiger
showing 1 of 16 show 15 more comments
Do not be surprise at my saying,in truth i tell you,first wash the inside of the cup and the outside will also be clean for you.lift that stone and split that piece of wood and you will find me there,if the one blaming you would have done the same he would not have blame you. there is light in a person of light and it shines on the whole world if not it is dark. so let there be light ,Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
you know people are never happy and blame other all the time, what they get mad about is there own problem. they will blame you because you do not work , they will blame you because you work, they will blame you because you want to rest, they will blame you because you do not rest and work hard. the simple fact is that they need to blame someone on the outside for their own lack inside. they should take the beam out of their own eyes. it is much more important then taking the speak of dust out of the eyes of their neighbor. you see even being silent and doing what you have to do is not enough for people in this world. one will always try to found fault in you they see on the outside and are not able to walk a mile in someone else shoe. if they cannot respect someone else and try to blame that person for all their problems. What can you do to help them out? every thing you do is negative even doing nothing is negative. then the only thing you can do is know your self. and stay silent. respect their choice as they should respect your own choice. in this world many are in darkness and cause division in them self and with other because of their ego. also they do it because of their belief that are not in truth because they lack understanding and knowledge they do those things. it is like the story of the prodigal son. the two brother are lacking knowledge and understanding in the story. the prodigal son make a division to have is inheritance early and leave is father and brother. when the prodigal son finally understand is mistake and come back home to is father and brother is other brother cannot accept it and is making a division also. and is father tell him he was dead to us but now he is alive, was lost but now is found.
also that bible verse: Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division.
it as been miss understood.
since many are all ready in division and not at peace. it is not because some one come to them that they will have peace. even if they want peace. since they are the one having that choice. you can only give them truth from a pure heart. they are the one and only one that can work on their own inner division cause by their own darkness inside and often cause by other people in darkness on the outside. the only thing you can give them is the sword of truth that comes out from your mouth.
you see it is not by outside external factor that peace come it is by work from within first. the outside result is made by the inner work for each and every one. and each one as free will. so of course you cannot bring peace to every one and force it on them, it is a matter of free will and inner work.
most of the time people think that all the problem they have come from the outside and come disturb their inside. they forget that each problem have a solution and it is not by doing problem to people that do them problem that it solve any thing. first are they so sure that it is other people that do them problem? and if they really are doing them problem for what reason are they doing it? until one go in the wilderness and reflect and meditate to do is inner work he is trap in the cycle of the world and is sight is set on external thing. so one needs to remove himself from the outside world to put is focus on is inside world. or if you prefer to move from the wide gate to the narrow gate. in this way he will get to know himself. and clean the inside of the cup.
Let there be light , be the light that you can be , experience and enjoy.
answered 24 Oct '12, 18:49
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I am asking a rhetorical question. I live alone, but when I was a child, and even into my young adulthood, I was hurt with blame. Wade and I have been discussing this, and I decided the topic needed to be opened to the community. Hope this helps answer everyone's questions...Thanks, Juniper, for making me clarify my position. >>>>>>>>
Great Question Jai! But, what if the blamer is your mother and you don't live with her? And you want to have a loving relationship with your mother, but she blames and criticizes and questions you for everything?