How do you ever forgive and forget if something has had such a big effect on you? I will try to explain in the shortest terms!

A few years ago I lived with a person whose past relationships have all been filled with violence and hatred. I believe smoking drugs has also had a part to play in this. My relationship with this person also became violent in the end (i also became violent) and after a particularly nasty episode i left.

I kept in contact with this person for 6 months and said i would not come home until the episode has been admitted as there had been other times where i came back after a few days and we would pretend like nothing had happened.

This time it has to be acknowledged. This person did not acknowledge it, and told everyone i had left because i could not stand his children, (who i cared for very much.) or him. he also moved in with another partner and pitted her against me, she told me i disgusted her everytime she saw me for about two years. I went through some particulaly nasty scenes whenever i bumped into his freinds and family for a long time

I ended up having some sort of a breakdown and did not start talking/acknowledging it about it for about 3 years. I am now consumed with such anger at him and such guilt about my own violence that i just cant move on. This person refused to have any contact with me since the nite i left. Bizarrley even though it was so long ago, it haunts me and i am so angry. I cant hate this person, It is to late to set the record straight.

Why is this haunting me?

asked 20 Mar '11, 08:11

Mile3%201's gravatar image

Mile3 1

edited 20 Mar '11, 08:45

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

This may not exactly be the answer you want to hear.However,by holding on to resentment, you are in fact only hurting yourself. Forgiveness really means just letting go of that resentment. And the first step is forgiving yourself.... I think underlying the pain and resentment, a part of you is probably blaming yourself for allowing this to happen.

You cannot change what happened or the other person but you can come to realize why it happened and the role you played in the drama. This is not about blaming yourself but in actual fact coming to know yourself and why you did what you did and why you allowed this to be part of your life experience.

When you blame just him for the drama you hold yourself in victim mode where there is no power or freedom. Freedom comes from accepting full responsibility for your part in the drama and coming to realize why you allowed him to treat you as he did. By doing so you'll begin to see why you attracted this into your experience, giving you enough awareness to not allow a similar situation to become part of your life experience.

Learn from it and do yourself a huge favour by letting it go... you only continue to give him power by holding on to this - don't continue to let this haunt you, the choice is always yours. You can do it :)


answered 20 Mar '11, 13:03

Michaela's gravatar image


thanx to everyone who has commented on this, u have helped me look at this in different way. i think i will try to delete this post, and maybe concentrate where im going instead of where ive been! xx

(20 Mar '11, 19:37) Mile3 1

here is how it works, u will never 4get the wrongs done 2 u, forgiving is the acceptance that who wronged u is human and from there own perspective (right or wrong) they did this out of a belief that they had or a moment of all weakness, 4giving is so important because when u hold that anger against them then u are not truly admitting that even u are human and can make mistakes, also if u remember these wrongs they are a great experience to u so that u will know how to deal w these issues in the future,,, love n light, rob

Edited 5/22/13

seeing that forgiveness is an internal idea. it is never forgiving another that is truly important. It is the idea of seeing what actions, beliefs, or thoughts that led up to ur own part of that same co creation of the event, and then forgiving urself,. and to be able to stop looking at things in the good/bad ways, and see them all as valid experiences, and worthwhile. Even the bad times, can be good. see it for what it really is, a co creation to teach u a lesson.


answered 20 Mar '11, 14:39

TReb%20Bor%20yit-NE's gravatar image

TReb Bor yit-NE

edited 22 May '13, 07:44

thanx u, i do believe this person was human, and ill now try to think of them just having a moment of weakness. we ARE all humans who make mistakes.

(20 Mar '11, 19:34) Mile3 1

i am sooo happy to hear that,, it is hard to forgive, when you can learn how to it is such a sweet realese of soo many negitive energys !! love n light

(20 Mar '11, 21:52) TReb Bor yit-NE

There are many paths towards forgiveness; sometimes, it just takes time; sometimes, it takes a major change of heart (and then happens in a flash); sometimes a person must talk with another person to forgive (priest or minister, perhaps);sometimes, you have to be healed of something first (such as post-traumatic stress disorder). All of these are valid paths to forgiveness. You may perhaps think of other paths yourself.

For me, this is what worked:

I had to learn to love myself, with every wart and bad character trait included!

Christ says a man (or woman) cannot serve two masters. Thia means I cannot love God and at the same time, hate anyone else. I finally had to take a stand and go for loving God, and myself, more than I resented and yes, hated another person. I cannot be angry with another person, and myself, and profess to love God at the same time.

I was horribly abused as a child. I witnessed murder and satanic rituals, and was used by men for sex. I hated these people and could not forget or forgive.

Suddenly, I was one day thinking about this, and realized that all those people were either dead or out of my life, and I was hanging onto the bad stuff like a kid with a favorite blanket. I was shown love and forgiveness by a wonderful man. He accepted me. He kept saying, you need to put God first.

I did that, and the hatred was gone in a flash, replaced by such love! I fell in love with God.

I found new freedom and new happiness. I said to God, "This hatred is too big for me! Please take it away!"

He did.

Now, I have a new life. And it is grand!

I wish you happiness. Much love and Blessings, Jai


answered 20 Mar '11, 10:47

Jaianniah's gravatar image


Great advise Jaianniah! You're a shinning example of how love turns one's life around! thank you, namaste

(20 Mar '11, 11:43) daniele

Thank you, Daniele. I made it sound like it was easy...It was not easy, but it WAS so simple, once I surrendered to God. That was the key! Love and blessings, Jai

(20 Mar '11, 15:08) Jaianniah

Jai, I am sure it wasn't so easy! And I fully understand what you mean about surrendering our burdens to God! You are one strong woman! Blessings

(20 Mar '11, 15:15) daniele

Sometimes, I do not "feel" so very strong! It is Wade who has shown me how to be a much more positive person. HE is the reason I have succeeded! (If I have...I do have a ways to go! :) Blessings back at you! Jai

(20 Mar '11, 15:27) Jaianniah

what an awful story, it makes mine look so shallow. Im very glad u have managed to find god when u most needed it. xxx

(20 Mar '11, 19:30) Mile3 1

jainanah u r really wonderful ....thanks for sharing real trauma u went thro and the way u came out of it....thanks a lot

(19 May '13, 14:33) marathisend
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

Hi Mile3, let me start off by saying that I do understand your confusion. Its not easy to see clearly what it is you need to see, when there is such a level of emotional trauma attached to the situation. So lets look at the Drama another way.

See your life as being a Play/Performance in a great hall. Now in order for the performance to take place, we will need characters..... Mother, Father, siblings, friends, lovers etc ,etc. The closer these people are to your heart the deeper the level of learning.....which is why you created the play in the first place. Now instead of seeing the “Monster” that is causing you all of this pain, try to view this person in soul ,as having drawn the short straw to play this horrible character in your drama/play. They did not want to play this part in your Play, but someone had to do it in order for the Game of Life to being on your stage.

Once you move your perspective a little, you can create a shift in your journey of Awakening. Now you no longer view this Monster in a negative way , but start to see things from a Higher perspective. You are not being asked to condone their behaviour, you are seeking to understand what this challenge or lesson is trying to teach YOU. Once you see clearly the lesson for you , then and only then can you bring in true forgiveness.

As Michaela has already explained in her reply......Forgiveness starts with Self. So forgive yourself for having to take your drama to such a height, in order for you to understand yourself more. Then in time, try to view the other actor ( lover, friend etc, etc) as being a good teacher and one that you have truly learned from. If the lesson cannot be found this time around, then the whole scene will have to be played out again in another setting in order for you to learn the lesson. That is why it is so important not to get stuck in the Blame Game, you will find no movement/growth there. Dig deep, identify the learning, be thankful and move on.

When we speak the words “ Forgive and Forget”, the forgiveness is not about acceptance of another’s bad behaviour, its more about a deeper level of understand of what has transpired in order for you to have growth and move on and the forget part, is to let go of the need to dwell on the past


answered 20 Mar '11, 16:31

Susan%201's gravatar image

Susan 1

Hi Mile3,

I'd like to share with you a quote by Buddha.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

It was useful to me when I was angry with someone. One day, after a long time, I told myself I would never waste another minute of my life thinking about her or the past, because she proved she wasn't worth it. I've walked away since and now I have some wonderful people in my life.

Hope this helps, and good luck!


answered 12 May '11, 03:00

Pat%20W's gravatar image

Pat W

Thanks for this buddha quote....

(19 May '13, 14:36) marathisend

EFT-Emotional Freedom Technique is a fast, easy way to eliminate negative emotions, obsessive thoughts, fears, limiting beliefs, etc... Gary Craig founded this technique that combines tapping on meridian points like in accupunture, combined with tuning in to the feeling which means you say some words that help you tune in to the emotion, or play a movie in your mind that tunes you in to the emotion. is a technique adapted from eft. It works well for some things as well. Matrix Reimprinting is an advanced EFT Technique that replaces your old memories with new ones. EFT is very easy to learn and you can do it anywhere.


answered 20 Mar '11, 14:33

Fairy%20Princess's gravatar image

Fairy Princess

well you boot are in guilt! and each of you have there point of view on what as happen!and doing like nothing as happen will not solve anny thing. learn from the lesson and turn the page!if one of you could learn from the lesson it would solve 50% of the problem! if boot of you could learn from the problem it could solve 100% of the problem! and there would only be left the other person that he as bring in the problem to tell the truth about the problem! so until you are both seing things as they are you are not in the absolute truth about the problem! that is why the problem persist! can you accept the truth of the other view! and can he accept the truth of your view! until that happen you are still in imbalence and you create the problem! so get rid of that ignorance! good luck! i know i see it every day! and i know people they always try to see what is going wrong on the other side! but do not want to see what is going wrong on there side!and in a couple some even try to say it is not my fault we are 2 and try to dump the problem on the one trying to solve it because they can't accept that they create the problem!


answered 11 May '11, 20:36

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 11 May '11, 20:42

why do you think that i am quiet and alone in life! because people can't accept the truth!

(11 May '11, 20:46) white tiger

who would fight if the truth is know! what is there to fight about? reflect on this you will see if i tell the truth or not!

(11 May '11, 20:59) white tiger
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