Back 2 Basics asked a good question that sparked off this thought in my head that has lead to this question.

There is a give and take in relationships back and forth however, this can be a give and take single sides without switching. I have noticed this in my life as well as others lives that one can be giving the other constantly taking. More similarity to a boss employee relation than friends really this is.

When someone is good natured and willing to help or do for the other in a relationship and this becomes a habit the appreciation gets replaced with expectancy and dependency. This leads to resentment "I do everything around here and am not appreciated!" Also it leads to expectancy "Why are you being so grouchy just get me this or do that for me and everything will be fine as normal!"

It seems clear if one is pleased and the other is depressed this is not a good situation to be in and may even be a harmful relationship which leads to my question.

Obviously it can't be a professional relationship like boss employee that is set one is used the other is the user that is why you get paid and told what to do. This could be a spouse, parents and children or friends, any close relationship really.

When appreciation turns to expectancy and dependency one becomes weak and scared of not having that dependency and the other feels used depressed and unappreciated.

How may we heal this without farther damage to the relationship, if for example person 1 says to person 2 "Get it yourself", person 2 will feel resentment and like he is no longer loved. This needs to be handled delicately but how, what would be a best approach to healing this kind of problem?

asked 17 Jun '11, 20:26

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

When I was still supervising a lot of people at work, I had this happen, Wade, where in my attempt to mentor a few younger people, they would sometimes instead become too dependent, too familiar and etc. It would feel totally out of balance and I would end up feeling resentful and used. But as you stated, this could happen in any relationship, either personal or professional.

I used to try to turn the tables without hurting feelings in a attempt to get things back into balance, for my good and the benefit of the other person. For example, I would tell that person, "You know, I have been doing so much for you when in fact I made a mistake in selling you short. You are very capable but I have been holding you back in my attempts to help. My error! I would like to see you shine. How about acting on your own this time? I will be here to cheer you on!". I would make it seem as if I was the one who had unbalanced things, allowing the other person to save face. This always worked and the person would come through, with no feelings hurt.

I don't know if this helps you, but best wishes.


answered 17 Jun '11, 20:39

LeeAnn%201's gravatar image

LeeAnn 1

edited 17 Jun '11, 20:46

Very good answer, this may help my mother even myself now that I think of it. My dad needing my mother but I now realize it is the same with me needing my dad. "You are very capable but I have been holding you back in my attempts to help. My error! I would like to see you shine." I needed this myself I now realize. Thanks :-)

(18 Jun '11, 02:47) Wade Casaldi

You are so welcome; glad it was helpful.

(18 Jun '11, 13:42) LeeAnn 1

Simply address the truth as it is, and allow for damage control, if need be!

You can only up root the cancer by carefully treating the aliment with the necessary precaution to stop the cancer from growing! So, you cannot accomplish a positive resolution without both parties agreeing to the solution, and both parties making equal effort for a win, win solution!


answered 18 Jun '11, 06:03

Inactive%20User's gravatar image

Inactive User ♦♦

It is more like a pattern or rut both parties get stuck in as that is the way they are and have always been but at the same time it keeps both unhappy. The thing is seeing it and knowing it is there the controller and the controlled. Both have slid into these roles like there is nothing that can be done about it, it does sprout fights (arguments) many times but then right back to the patterns until it breaks the controlled one and she leaves. There is love there or they wouldn't be together for 50 some years.

(18 Jun '11, 15:33) Wade Casaldi

@ Wade Casaldi: Well, I guess it is a case of you cannot teach old dogs, new tricks, but the important thing is, as you have said there is still love in the relationship!

(18 Jun '11, 18:43) Inactive User ♦♦

Vee I believe your answer would be good to use as a preventive to nip the problem in the bud before it gets to be a problem. In this case it is an old habit that is starting to make things fall apart. This is sort of like the straw that broke the camel's back type of thing.

(19 Jun '11, 01:45) Wade Casaldi

Thank you so much you are right they do still have the love and that is the thing they have that can get them through this.

(19 Jun '11, 01:46) Wade Casaldi
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