Dear inward Questers!!!

I am writing this questions because its the only site I find very helpful when I am faced with some personal questions that need some external opinions generally in life.

I would like to know what are the kind of questions I need to ask myself before I make a very important decision in my relationship life. I have a man in my life who is interested in partnering in marriage with me however I can't seem to make my mind because of some the issues that is concerning me. I would like you to help me if my concerns are really ones or its just "fear"... of some forms.

In short this man was married and divorced 3 years ago. His had 3 kids during his marriage and 2 other kids while he was still married from another women. This would mean he was involved with other women while still married. I have never been married and don't have any kids.

1: One of my main concerns are the fact that this man " has cheated on his wife for whatever reasons while still married would be fair to say he might just do the same in the future given the same situations?

2: I am christian but open minded and practice spirituality he and his family on the other side are Seven days advents with strict traditions and religions with lots of rules like no make-up, jewelry and etc...

What are the kind of quality questions I will need to ask myself in order to reach the right decision for myself please?

I would appreciate your contribution to my growth on this regards

much love Hanico

asked 28 Dec '11, 15:28

hanico's gravatar image


closed 30 Dec '11, 12:12

Kathleen%20Kelly's gravatar image

Kathleen Kelly ♦♦

I don't see the word Love anywhere in your question. A marriage is the the ultimate confirmation of Love It is the commitment of Love. And with an extended family there is the love for the children that must come into to your considerations.
Do you love the man?
Are you ready to be a mother?
Is he a good father?
Are you going to convert or will he accept that you have your own beliefs and wish to follow those?
Do you want children?
Do you want to bring your children into this situation?

IMHO:It sounds like a man that knows how to push the right buttons on people to get what he wants and not really care about the results .The man has FIVE children .hold out see how long he can wait to get what he wants.I'm pretty sure he will leave if he is made to wait or meet your true expectations.
Just a little background .I have been married over 30 years and still crazy in love with my wife and have the 3 best kids in the world.


answered 29 Dec '11, 11:10

ursixx's gravatar image



Good answer Ursixx.

(30 Dec '11, 08:34) Paulina 1

Hi Hanico,

I think my answer to this would be fairly simple.

I have learned this from Abraham and Stingray and this has always helped me without exceptions.

Whenever you are in a situation where you are not able to take a decision between 2 choices, imagine your self in both the scenarios as if you have already made the decision (take one after the other) and observe your emotions in each imaginary situation.

The one that feels better is your answer!! :)

Hope that helps.

May you take the best decision :)


answered 29 Dec '11, 10:07

Sourabh's gravatar image


I like your answer very much Sourabh-thanks

(29 Dec '11, 10:17) blubird two

Yes indeed. But do not always go with the choice that is most likable for you, be sure to take the other person's "shoes" into consideration as well. You should always act in your best interest, but not if it means at the expense of everyone around you. It is a balancing act, between selfishness and selflessness. You need both, and they should be pretty freaking close to even.

(29 Dec '11, 10:29) Snow

@Blubird two: Glad you found value in it :)

(30 Dec '11, 02:51) Sourabh

@Snow: I agree with your concern of being selfish and hurting others. However only if you have been able to make your self happy will you be able to spread that happiness to others around. If you take a decision with an intent to please someone else, even if you are not 100% willing to go with it, that will reflect in the relationship or circumstances, somewhere down the lane. I also agree with you that if one is feeling a lot of guilt in taking one's path by hurting others, the guilt should first be neutralized or moulded in a better feeling place before taking the decision :)

(30 Dec '11, 02:56) Sourabh
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

The first question I would ask myself is why would I want to mary someone who has been unfaithful in the past (with kids to prove it)? Also, you say that he and his family on the other side are 7 days advents with strict traditions and religions with lots of rules like no make-up, jewelry and etc... However, how strict could his convictions be if he is a cheater? Therefore, he is not who he says he is. So, the question is, why would you want to mary this person?


answered 28 Dec '11, 15:40

Fairy%20Princess's gravatar image

Fairy Princess

I agree with Fairy Princess completely, Hanico.

(28 Dec '11, 19:04) LeeAnn 1

i agreee also. and i will add why go with someone that has add 3 wife? would you not go more with someone like your self that is not married and has no kids? also think about this in this way what you want to get in this relation ship might not be what the other person is looking for. example you might wants kids he has allready. you might want fidelity he wants to foul around. so think about it wisely before making a decision. experience and enjoy.

(28 Dec '11, 22:28) white tiger

Excellently said, by all of you. A great example of this: A marriage is a promise between God, and two people who are swearing to love one another until they die. IDK about you, but how do you think God feels when you break a promise to him? Furthering that logic, if someone is willing to "point the middle finger" at God, what makes you think they will care more about you than any other person they've cheated on before you?

(29 Dec '11, 09:12) Snow

Great point Snow...what would make me think I will be the special person that he will not do the same when we face challenges in our relationships? Although I do not know the both sides f stories...I am told the reasons why he got divorce is because his ex wife wanted to leave the marriage that it was unbearable for both of them...

(29 Dec '11, 09:20) hanico

@Fairy Princess, thank you....I need to ask myself the questions why until i find out the reasons why????

(29 Dec '11, 09:22) hanico
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

Dear Hanico, You have many good answeres here but you have already made up your mind. Yes you have for if you truly wanted to marry this man you wouldn't be asking this question. You have subconsciously decided that you dont truly want to marry this person because you are scared that they might do to you what they did previously to another. You are scared that history will repeat itself and you will be hurt and believe me honey you have every reason to be scared.

I could give you some wonderful spiritual advice but in this case i'm going with pure instint and am going to tell it the way it is without any niceties.

Pick up your skirt girl and run like the very hell is after you for if you marry this man you will have nothing but heartache in life. Use your head and forget about the heart in this case for the heart can be clouded by chemistry and hormones and by the time theese two have cleared enough for you to wake up it might be too late for you might be already married and pregnant.

I'm not saying that this man doesnt love you on the contrary he probably does love you but love isn't always enough. You shall be mother to his children (a huge responsibility) and on top of that you shall have rules and laws imposed upon you by his strict family and religion which simply means your very freedom will be taken away from you while a few years down the line he might cheet on you and make more babies.

You are single and free at the moment so don't be a fool there are a lot of better man in the world.

The important little people, his children are not to be toyed with so unless you are prepared to be a mother to a ready made large family (and I can assure you that is never easy for you have to cook and wash and iron and clean and run to the doctor when they are sick and....the list is endless) think very carefuly what will hapen to theese children should you decide to leave in a few years time if he cheats.

The choice is yours but deep in your heart I think you already know the answer.


answered 30 Dec '11, 08:27

Paulina%201's gravatar image

Paulina 1

wow!!! exactly the to the point! exactly what i needed to hear to stick with my decisions... you could never tell me could never understand me more....Thank you!!! I probably need to read this again and again as if having you next to me and talking to you until I over come all my temptations and truly move on...

(30 Dec '11, 09:16) hanico

Hello hanico, remember that we attract into our lives whatever we give our energy, thoughts or focus to ... this gives the first key towards growth,that is, become conscious of what my dominant thoughts are. Second key to growth is; imagine the kind of life that i most wish to have ... when all this is clear then things are really moving in the right direction.There are plenty of guides on how to do all this on inward quest and elsewhere.

have a great day :)


answered 28 Dec '11, 18:21

blubird%20two's gravatar image

blubird two

*Listen to your heart for the mind will deceive, but the heart will never lie.* I always say to myself... if I have to ask this question, it is because I already know the answer in my heart. There are only 2 choices. A joyful choice that pleases the heart or a foolish choice that temporarily pleases the mind. Ask yourself why you are even considering this choice? Is it for your heart or something/someone else?

As far as how many marriages/wives/kids/girlfirends... this guy has/had should be handeled with discernment, not judgement. Ask him why he wants to marry you, then feel his answer. What kind of attraction is between you? Examine your feelings as you ask these questions. Ask your heart, "If I could marry any man in the universe, what would he be like?" Then see if this guy makes your heart smile.

The only thing I know about how love feels is that it is undeniable. It makes you sing and dance and smile from ear to ear. It never stops. It is unmeasureable and infinite. It is our true God essence that resides in each and everyone of us.

So as I said earlier... if you have to ask, you most likely already know the answer to this question.

From the Heart!



answered 29 Dec '11, 16:59

Assister's gravatar image


Like your answer but sometimes when it comes to love, chemistry and hormones can be mistaken for true love and two or three years down the road when chemistry fades is normaly the time when cheeting begins.

(30 Dec '11, 08:38) Paulina 1

You have enough information to come up with a solution. Behavior is the truth of words. I can tell you anything, but you must match action and words. If they agree, then I would say go with it. If they don't agree, you have answered your question. If a person exhibits a pattern, notice what type of pattern it is over as much time as possible. This is your flag. You will know what to to do next.


answered 30 Dec '11, 01:42

The%20Knights%20Alchemy's gravatar image

The Knights Alchemy

Love your answer.

(30 Dec '11, 08:28) Paulina 1
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