I recently started dating someone, about two and a half months now. He is a nice, caring man and we truly enjoy each other’s company. He is nice to talk to and attentive while we are together. I felt really good being with him till a few weeks ago.
Then I started to desire more from him- a commitment, a reassurance, something. I brought it up to him indirectly and from his reaction felt that it was too early to talk to him about this. I decided to enjoy the moment and let it be, thinking if it’s good, it will happen. However, I was unable to truly let go. I felt I always wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me. I have a healthy social life, and so does he. But I felt that we should see each other more. While we have a great time when together, we do not share the same intimacy when we are apart. He once mentioned to me his fear of commitment, since his brother had an unpleasant divorce last year. He has lived on his own for the past 12 years and feels territorial and defensive about this space.
To make a long story short. I wanted to have a relationship, while I felt he was content just dating.

We had plans to meet yesterday and he sent me a message saying he had forgotten about previous plans and could not meet up. I reacted negatively, saying that I wasn’t a priority to him and that I deserved an explanation. He retaliated by telling me he did not owe me one. We left things on a bad note.

I still wish to pursue a relationship with him. I realize that we have to talk about our expectations. But I do like him a lot and feel we can have something meaningful together.

However, I don’t know if he feels the same way, and if he has the desire to have a relationship with me. Should I keep my faith and believe things will work out. Or should I let this go?

I know the ultimate decision is mine, but I would like some help in clarifying my thoughts and making a decision.

asked 03 Sep '10, 15:13

Nikki777's gravatar image


edited 03 Sep '10, 15:57

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Do you trust him, because a good relationship is built upon trust! The relationship is not going to work, if you do not trust him. So, you will have to be your own best judge!

(04 Sep '10, 02:57) Inactive User ♦♦

Vee, I realized I wasnt trusting him...I have been working on trusting him and myself...and things have taken a giant leap forwards. Thanks

(16 Sep '10, 15:33) Nikki777

@Nikki777 Hope you relationship is healthy :)

(22 May '14, 04:44) PERFECT GOOD
showing 0 of 3 show 3 more comments

You will for sure not attract what you want by getting angry with him or making him feel pressured. In fact, it's possible he will stop enjoying your company at all.

Perhaps you don't want the same things, or aren't in the same place emotionally, and if so, the relationship will fall aside, and perhaps not without you feeling some pain about it.

So as you can see, you have no choice, but to hope and visualize it as you want it to be, and be sure to end your visualizations with a mental phrase like this one, "This, or something even BETTER, for the highest good of all concerned." And then look forward to that relationship that you desire. If he is cooperative on some level it will be with him, and if not, with someone even better. Expect success. Hold to your hopes and visualizations persistently but be relaxed and see what happens. By using your LOA skills, it will work out for the best for you, for sure.

It is perfectly fine to press for respect such as calling if he can't make a date, and respectful treatment in general, but pressure on him about a commitment will likely backfire this soon.

Best wishes.


answered 03 Sep '10, 15:39

LeeAnn%201's gravatar image

LeeAnn 1

You make some great points LeeAnn:)

(04 Sep '10, 12:26) Michaela

Thank you so much LeeAnn for your advice. I visualize being with him and then a shred of doubt will creep in and I will begin to wonder... does he even want this? I try to stop this from happening...but sometimes I am unable to and begin to feel down. What should I do to keep my faith strong?

(07 Sep '10, 17:56) Nikki777

You cannot force him into anything, since a person's free will is a very strong force, so just know that it will work out for the best, no matter what...."this or something even better".....just relax and allow the universe to work it out. Your pulling back a little and being more relaxed may even awaken feelings within him he did not have before, you never know.

(07 Sep '10, 18:21) LeeAnn 1

Thanks LeeAnn I have been taking your advice literally, and wanted to let you know how good I have been feeling lately. Our relationship has improved in just one week, I am soo happy when I am with him, and able to appreciate him when we are apart. Thanks so much for guiding me.

(16 Sep '10, 15:28) Nikki777

I am so glad to hear things are going well, Nikki! That's good news. Best wishes....

(16 Sep '10, 15:40) LeeAnn 1
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

I'm just wondering is it really the man you want or just the commitment? It seems that you may be spending more time thinking about the commitment than actually enjoying the relationship and getting to know one another.

Maybe just for now if you can let go of that need for a commitment, you can accept each other where you're at and begin enjoying the relationship without putting expectations on each other.If you have to change each other the relationship will never work.

I think by taking this approach he may be more willing to open up to you because right now it sounds like he is scared ( and at least he has admitted this fear to you which means he is at least aware of it ) but by putting undue pressure on him, you're only going to succeed in scaring him away completely.

There may be a potentially beautiful relationship waiting to happen if you can let go of that need for commitment and get to know him as he is. As the relationship begins to grow, he may be willing to open up to you and address that fear of commitment but this will only happen if you gain his trust and understanding and don't pressurize him.


answered 04 Sep '10, 12:45

Michaela's gravatar image


Michaela, your question really made me think, and helped me define what I truly want. I have been following all the meaningful and kind advise I got..and wanted to thank you. I have been able to let fo of the need for anything...and its coming...all on its own. I am able to appreciate him and myself, and not feel pressured. Thanks.

(16 Sep '10, 15:30) Nikki777

You're very welcome Nikki - Glad to hear it's working out well for you :)

(17 Sep '10, 11:19) Michaela

To me, the most important sentence in your story is "He has lived on his own for the past 12 years and feels territorial and defensive about this space." You're totally right.

People who stays so long without having to have compromise with someone else are really "not so nice" at first glance. Because it's an habit. And been alone is not so easy, but offer at least the freedom to do what you want when you want. This is complex to let go when it has been your way of doing for years.

I think you should try to envision this as you found the fox of the story of Saint-Exupery.

I have some friends (man or woman) and they all have this independency and freedom. It can seems rough, but it comes with the life on your own.


answered 03 Sep '10, 15:47

Pierre's gravatar image


Or maybe her expectation of him is too high, too soon; and maybe he is not ready to make such a commitment yet!

(04 Sep '10, 03:10) Inactive User ♦♦

He is only a dating man. Take it from me. He has no intentions of committing. If you like being in his company then let it be at that and accept it. When a man is ready for a serious relation he will commit. There is no forcing the issue and if you use persuasion skills to commit it will fall apart eventually.

Sorry for the bad news. Live, Laugh, love.


answered 03 Sep '10, 23:46

RPuls's gravatar image


It sounds as though you are speaking from the voice of experience, but there is logic in what you are saying. On a more positive note, I hope for her sake things work out in her favor. Maybe he likes her, but he wants to take things in strides.

(04 Sep '10, 03:29) Inactive User ♦♦

Vee, I am a man and I sincerily hope it works out for her. (how long do you wait?) You are right, he is not ready and possibly wants to take it step by step. That was my point, When a man is ready for a serious relation he will commit.

(04 Sep '10, 14:43) RPuls

Beloved, from my own personal experience (got married at 19, that's 24 years of marital up/down bliss already) I can vouch that sending out prayers for him on daily basis works great. My own daily prayer to my husband is the following: I envisage him and ask the infinite Creator to guide, protect and heal him according to his will. I accompany this prayer with appropriate visualization of him.

Whenever things go wrong between us, I mentally chant " I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" Until I feel better about it.

Hope this works for you the way it's been working for me. Namaste


answered 04 Sep '10, 22:20

daniele's gravatar image


Thank you Daniele. i have taken up on your advice, and send him messages thanking him for being himself and coming into my life all the time. :)

(16 Sep '10, 15:31) Nikki777

Ive been here a few times before in my life. I eventually used the LOA and confessed that my perfetc mate was being drawn to me. It happened in short order and the commitment thing never came up. In fact we met and just assumed that we were meant for each other and taht was that. After a couple of weeks we felt we had been married for years. Still do. Ive previously struggled with this and its been the biggest bug bear of my life. Until i saw a little diagram in a Susan Jeffers book and started putting my sub conscious on the job. Funnty really that after listeneing to so much religious stuff a diagram in a book i wouldnt have normally read spurred me on and inspired me. All the details were just sorted out.I just did my affirmations and didnt think about the rest.



answered 06 Sep '10, 10:51

Monty%20Riviera's gravatar image

Monty Riviera

Hi Nikki, I dont think that there is anything wrong with the him or with you. It is ok to want one's own space and I do not feel we should force anyone to commit if they do not wish to. Besides he is not going to do it anyway if he does not want to or he could make you feel that he is when he is not. The important thing to remember is that you cannot be cheated in life. Eventually you will get what you think you should get. If you are focusing on a relationship that gives you the commitment that you want, it will come at some point. You do not have to force it out of anyone. Allow it to come naturally because the law of attraction always works.


answered 07 Sep '10, 15:06

Drham's gravatar image


Thank you for your advice. :)

(16 Sep '10, 15:32) Nikki777

Commitment many want that from you in this world to sell you stuff or service to bind you in a contract agreement. always long term stuff that you do not know if you will be there or not why make things so complicated? why not live the now and see how it go if you are not able to see how it goes now why try to see it on a long term commitment? if the person is alone for a long time why try to force him in a commitment? also if you only started to meet he could have some personal stuff that does not concern you. the more you try to get in the more he will try to get you out. if he decided that some stuff does not concern you it probably does not.


answered 22 May '14, 04:00

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

Click here to create a free account

If you are seeing this message then the Inward Quest system has noticed that your web browser is behaving in an unusual way and is now blocking your active participation in this site for security reasons. As a result, among other things, you may find that you are unable to answer any questions or leave any comments. Unusual browser behavior is often caused by add-ons (ad-blocking, privacy etc) that interfere with the operation of our website. If you have installed these kinds of add-ons, we suggest you disable them for this website

Related Questions