The reason for this, I dont have any solid reason for....
I keep EVERYTHING from my family because I do not want them to be a part of my life. When I say that, I am meaning that I don't want them to hear about my day, I dont want them to be an acting part of my day to day life, I dont want them to guide my life, or give stupid little talks about their own experiences in my situation......
Being darkly edgy and depressed recently (actually I should be saying in the better, healing stages of it), all I wanted to do was explain to SOMEBODY face to face my problems about my life. My parents knew there was something troubling me, but for some reason I just wouldn't crack. I wouldn't tell them my actual problems at all, or even hint what they were. Even, should I have succummed to this, I knew that I wouldn't be full heartedly telling and releasing my emotions properly. A fact is that I dont feel comfortable telling them about my hassles.
In my fantasisyed dream life, a linking part of this dream is that my parents and family are NOT connected in it at all. If I get a girlfriend, I don't want them to EVER hear about her, or us be part of each others lives. This is not just a petty teenage thing, or an issue of embarrassment at all....I just really spitefully dont want them in my life.
The question stems to this; is it unhealthy to not be living truthfully with my family? Yes I am keeping secrets like my problems from them, but I think the real question is, is it ok to not be opening up fully to them, even though they are genuienly there to help?
I'm not sure if this makes sense....I dont feel Ive explained myself propely, but does anyone understand sort of?
By the way, I reveal all my issues to my work collegues, my best friend of 10 years and anyone else who will listen. Just not my family. I also see a pscologist every 2-3 weeks as well, so Im not bottling everything up entirely.
Thankyou guys xx
asked 31 Jan '12, 08:38
Barry Allen ♦♦
showing 1 of 13 show 12 more comments
Its only going to be unhealthy if you feel guilty about it, or negative in any way about it, really. If you truly do not want them in your life that's completely up to you.
But there could be a better way. I used to feel this way about my family. I didn't have a solid reason other than I felt I didn't have my own life, I felt like they were always intruding on me and my space. So I moved out, which was my best decision regarding that. There's balance now. I have plenty of privacy and do what I please, but I still talk to them and catch up frequently. My relationships with them are very strong now and I would never think to completely take them out of my life like I used to. I just needed to feel like I had my own life that wasn't constantly interwined with there's.
I also agree with Wade... I don't tell them a lot of my goals or anything. Their responses are typically negative and it would definitely affect me. But just think through all your options... take a mini vacation for yourself or just stay away from them for a week or so. You might find an alternative you like better. Just know there's a lot of different choices here, but whatever one you make, don't feel guilty about it. There isn't a wrong decision.
answered 31 Jan '12, 14:53
Good answer we agree with each other. Yes for personal life don't go overboard LapisLazuli is right on that. Treasure that they are here, there are many who will never see their parents again because they are in the grave.
(31 Jan '12, 15:22) Wade Casaldi
You have never read Florence Scovel Shinn's "The Secret Door To Success." There is a story in it about a man that shared everything with his mother and father and he was miserable. He shared his day every day what went on at work what his dreams and aspirations were. What he was going to try to achieve everything!
He came to Florence to ask what is wrong, why his life is messed up, she told him of the occult law that says the more we share with people the more people get involved in our manifestation by their opinions. It bleeds it out until it is weak and can achieve nothing. You get everyone's opinion from, "Wow that is a great idea, go for it!" to "Why are you bothering with that?" to "You're crazy that will never work!" to "Yes I know life is hard, it is unfair!"
Not only this then the gossip starts and you have people you don't even know well, giving their opinion and thoughts on your goals! "You know your neighbors second cousin father in-law is trying to start a fish restaurant? A fish restaurant is he crazy, in this economy! It will never work!" So now you have people you have no idea who they even are putting out negative vibes into your goals!
So this is what she said to him to do. "Try for a month to not tell anyone anything about your work or goals." He did and he said it was very hard for his parents loved to talk with him about his day every day. But he stuck to his guns and said that is work, I will not talk about work anymore. What happened was things started moving for him. He received a raise, then another and a promotion! Things went so well that he kept this up for life and remembered this valuable lesson that the more you share, the more people have an opinion and thoughts about what you share. This has an effect on what you shared.
Florence said if you have to share with anyone, share only with those closest, and you know will be absolutely supportive, and will NOT spread it around to anyone!
As an aside note you mentioned you see a psychologist, this is good it helps you. There was a time where I would have thought "Ootohh this person is not right in the head." But I have found that not the case and that a psychologist can be a good thing to lead a happy life. So for this decision I believe it helps because a psychologist is very supportive and would never say to you something unsupported and negative put down.
answered 31 Jan '12, 12:07
It's completely normal not to be so open up with your family, especially if you are still young. I understand how you feel because I am exactly the same way, I do not like to talk much to my parents about my life yet I do talk about it with some of my closer friends. I am pretty sure a lot of young people are this way too.. probably due to more advanced technology.
Reading your question again, it seems like I am a bit luckier than you though, my parents don't bother me much and I don't bother them... but it seems like your parents bother/annoy you a lot through their actions.
Unless you really want them to help, I do not see any need for you to "open up" to them if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But if you want them to help you but you find difficulty in breaking the news to them, then you might want to make use of a "middleman" like your relatives or your friends to convey the messages to your parents.
Just be grateful and appreciative for them bringing you up even if you do not like some of their actions..
answered 01 Feb '12, 04:05
thanx kakaboo. I disagree with your comment that most young kinds wont open up to their families; it's only in my experience i hear so many friends tell me how close they are to their families, and even though they may not be wealthy, it is the biggest richness in my life to be able to share everything in total trust, comfort and love.
That's why i want to start a brand new family- so i can enroll that loveingness.
(01 Feb '12, 05:10) Nikulas
Our families are our closest reflections of ourselves in this physical reality.
This answer is marked "community wiki".
answered 19 May '13, 06:48
if you live under their roof
answered 31 Jan '12, 20:59
so much judgement in you fred. not everything is about money. i suggest you read this. Parable of the Prodigal Son http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son
this one is more complete. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2015:11-32;&version=NIV;
(31 Jan '12, 23:37) white tiger
white tiger, the analogy of having to experiencing the material side of the universe and then returning to father spirit is often misinterpreted as only a simpler family story. if he does not live under their roof then my comments do not apply
(01 Feb '12, 07:02) fred
What you are describing is ultimately, like all other problems, a form of resistance. I suggest you let it go for a while and focus on things that make you feel good. Start a book of positive aspects, where you write about all the positive aspects of your parents, and why you love and appreciate them. The answer will come in an unexpected manner, but you must have faith, dedication and choose very wisely what to focus upon.
Or alternatively you can tackle the issue directly using focus wheels, or getting into the vortex and then focusing on the subject - which will kick you out of the vortex, so you will have to get in again, focus again on the subject, then kicked out and all over again until you can sustain a high vibration while thinking about the issue.
Out of these two options, take the path of least resistance. The first is the better one in my opinion, if it is a very difficult subject for you.
The only answer for you is not in this forum, nor in an article and of course not at you psychologist (probably one of the last places I would look for an answer - someone who is practicing outdated teachings of out-of-the-vortex people). The answers you seek lie within. Stop thinking so much and start feeling, it will guide you to the exact right place.
Good luck my friend.
answered 01 Feb '12, 05:49
well i agree with you that you should keep somethings to your self. people that are good for you will help you and will know what is happening or will have a hunch. sometime there is something that you cannot talk about with certain people because you know them it is perfectely normal. but if they help you then you know that they can help you in what they are helping you with. you will know there strengh and weakness and what they think about different subject. experience and enjoy.
answered 31 Jan '12, 15:33
I think youre correct in trusting your instincts. It may not be clear to you at this time why the enmeshment or codependency feels smothering, but as youve described it, thats how it sounds to me. If you havent yet left home, youre going through a very normal period of awkwardness, which is absolutely essential in growing up. The separation anxiety may make you feel guilty, but its your right as an individual to define your own boundaries. Which means that you allow some people access to your private life, and prevent others from intruding. Its a very important lesson. Scott Peck the psychiatrist, described the struggles of several clients very clearly in "The Road Less Traveled" & "People of the Lie".
answered 01 Feb '12, 20:20
Just read your question.
You sound like me. I dont tell my family much, in fact ive not spoken to a lot of them for 2 or 3 years.
I like my family, ive not fallen out with them, were cool. I just cant relate to them and have little interest in contact or sharing the deeper details of my life.
You sound quite normal, youve shared info with a close workmate so you have no issues in sharing or communicating. Your not an insular person, your seeing a Phycologist so you are obviously sensible and brave enough to face any perceived issues.
I think all is well with you Nikulas. I often share things with certain people at work that i wouldnt dream of even telling my wife!!
In fact i would say ive made a conscious effort NOT to share too much with my nearest and dearest.
I think thats perfectly ok, healthy and balanced.
answered 20 May '13, 03:12
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hmmm tricky. Does it make you feel closer or further apart from your family and whatever your answer is...does it make you feel happy / complete or something else?
Also has this always been the case or did this begin at a certain time?
@alsorts, I've converted your answer into a comment. Please use the comments feature ("add new comment" link) within the site for making comments. The answers box is only for answering the specific question being asked. Thanks
@Nikulas - sometimes we need to take distance from our family so as to have clearer insight to the situation :)
Just wanted to say, this problem in my life is now solved, even if its a year later. Easy :)
@Nikulas - Good for you! Good to know. :) How did you solve it?
@Grace- I'm sure you can guess by my desires that I would love to be a family man. I imagine myself with perfect partner, children, pets, house, laughter and smiles....What the hell was I doing not living as an example, shouldn't I be embracing the family I already have! So I lived the loving example I wanted to be- it began with hugging my dad, saying "I dont care if you're an alcoholic. I love you regardless." Now I hug my entire family every day, and let me tell you, it pays off :) xxx
@Grace- Just illustrating that my parents/ step parents grew up with equally very 'cold' unemotional people, I decided to change that and give them the love they never thought they recieved. I have to credit my entire life for changing substaintially after watching my Ricky Martin interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzxfBQ1M_7w
all you need is love
@Nikulas - There is little else you could have said that would make me happier. I rarely sit and watch a long, half hour plus link; I watched and loved every last moment of the link you posted. I'm sitting here alone in my living room, grinning like an idiot, tears just pouring down my face. You have truly brought to life the fact that you have to be the change you want to see. You are beautiful, and I am so happy for you, and so glad I get to witness a little of your journey.
Just last night, I looked in my "manifestation box", and read all I have put in there in the past year. I found the letter I wrote to the universe on your behalf, and charged it up with new faith and confident expectation for you. Then I woke up this morning to read how much you have changed in this same year. Perfect, my friend... my heart is just full to bursting. :) You will be a wonderful husband and father.
@Grace- Really quite touching. It may sound cheap, but I don't know how to respond do your heart warming appreciations. I guess if you come by my work I could offer a free haircut:
@Grace- All the very absolute best to you. I've opened up my magical wishing box and have also found the piece of paper saying word by word, "for Grace on the LOA website to find true love"
@Nikulas - LOL love your link! Thanks! :)