@Stingray said this in a comment.

Is this true?

I think so.

So if I am being treated badly, does this mean that I did something to deserve it?

I guess deserve may be a bad choice of words. Perhaps I should say, Did I start the whole thing with my own behavior?

I got lambasted [again] by yet another family member today. It hurt. For once, though, I tried to look at the source of the problem in my own behavior. She says that just about everything I do is "manipulative". I stooped to her level (I lowered my vibration) and argued with her. Surely, I did not even think of manipulation when I spoke to her. "Manipulation" is a strong, strong word. She says the word manipulate, and I freak out. To me, that word implies a lot of forethought, which I cannot even claim to have. Nonetheless, I did engage in verbal combat, and it just got more nasty.

I realize now that I should have just kept to a short agenda with her, and should never have deviated from that.

Why is it so hard to be our true selves around our families? And also, why is it that they stick to their images of us, even when those images are blatant nonsense? Finally, why is it so hard to hold to yourself with family? All the resolution in the world seems to dissolve when things you did years ago are dragged out and rehashed one more time.

I get this now. If I want to be treated better, I must keep my vibration up when I am around people that want to pull me down. If I act "up", perhaps I will be treated "up".

I think this has to be the hardest bit I have ever posted. I want to have all of you tell me that I am not like "that" at all. I have written and re-written justifications and stories, all designed to get sympathy. I have had to edit this, and re-edit this. I really would love to write 50,000 words about my nasty family, and how I seem to degrade and dissolve into craziness when I get around these people. But, in the end, what I really want to say is that even with your family, what you get is truly about you. That is it. This does not mean that it is easy to change what you do around your family. In fact, it is ** hard. But what Kim had to say today is only a reflection of what I say and do around her. If I want it to be different, I must first change myself.

I have managed to do good things in the world, outside of family. I wish that I could tell them all about it. (Justifications! Defensiveness! Low behavior!) Will I ever be "myself" around them? I hope so. Will they ever change what they think about me? I doubt it. As long as I care what they think, I will be forever caught in their web. I really need to stop caring about their opinions.

Yes, I would love to hear from all of you. Yes, I would like to discuss this. I know that my post is true: What I get is about me. But, man, that does not make it easy to swallow.



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asked 29 Sep '14, 23:43

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 30 Sep '14, 04:09

IQ%20Moderator's gravatar image

IQ Moderator ♦♦

@IQ Moderator- I see you edited my tags- I suppose the usual reason is because your tags already exist. I think that the tag "dysfunctional families" is long overdue. It is a catch-phrase in recovery programs, which you may not know. If you want to bring people to the site, then I would suggest that you trust me on this. I am requesting that you reinstate that tag at least.

(30 Sep '14, 06:09) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah, tags are not primarily related to SEO. They are containers for questions to help people search Inward Quest and they also trigger the "Related Questions" feature at the bottom of each page. Creating new over-specialized tags (e.g. dysfunctional-families) where suitable ones already exist (e.g. family) actually hinder people from finding related questions. Please refer to the FAQ: http://www.inwardquest.com/faq/#tags

(30 Sep '14, 06:50) IQ Moderator ♦♦
showing 1 of 2 show 1 more comments

In order for you to be treated "badly," you have to be treated in a way that you perceive to be "badly." In other words, the perception of "badly" is yours.

Which is not to say that I believe that all of the things people do to each other are OK. I don't believe that. Nor do I believe any one party is blameless. It always take two to tango, as the saying goes.

One of the best TV shows I've seen about this kind of interaction between family members is Iyanla: Fix My Life. She plainly and clearly illustrates how people in familial relationships choose the ways that they interact, how those choices forge habits and patterns of behavior among family members that are not always life-affirming, and how understanding those choices and making new choices can break the bondage of those unproductive habits and patterns of behavior.


answered 01 Oct '14, 16:50

Vesuvius's gravatar image


edited 02 Oct '14, 02:09

IQ%20Moderator's gravatar image

IQ Moderator ♦♦

@Vesuvius-I am so glad to see you! Please check in more often- I miss you, and especially your wisdom. Thank you for really reading my question. Thank you also for the link. I promise you that I will watch it. It will help me, but I cannot even begin to straighten out my relationships since they will not even talk with me- this is a big thing in my family; just shut off the phone and refuse to talk. My son only will receive texts because he has been "traumatized" by his boss and will...

(01 Oct '14, 17:17) Jaianniah

@Vesuvius- ...not answer his phone. My kids need help--needless to say. As far as I know, three of them are using substances. Sigh. 34 years of sobriety, and I guess it did not even make a dent. So even before I will be willing to talk with them, I am insisting that they be straight.

But I thank you. It really is very hard to sort out my own stuff when it gets all tangled up with theirs.

Anyone else reading this- I really could use some support with this issue. I need support. Thanks. ♥♥♥

(01 Oct '14, 17:21) Jaianniah

Yes. 100%. Because who you are is pure consciousness and you MUST experience what you are conscious of. No exceptions. You are conscious of what you are conscious of.


answered 30 Sep '14, 08:30

harsha's gravatar image


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