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[EDIT:] Thanks everyone for all of your advise, suggestions, feedback, input, and comments. I definitely have quite a lot to work with now, and so I'm going to focus on that for awhile. Thanks again. =) Going to try to fight my natural urge to 'protect myself' through speaking in hypotheticals. One of my many 'defense mechanisms' that ultimately end up making me say/do something stupid. Been trying to find a way to articulate this for quite some time now, still can't seem to find anything that 'fits', so I'm just gunna pick one example and run with it. During normal interaction with anyone, my mind will be filled with thoughts that are extremely violent or grotesque in nature. Even with myself if I do something I deem stupid I will be filled with images of self mutilation. For some reason a popular form of imagery for self harm includes the concept of being curb stomped. Not by anyone in particular or even always involving other people, sometimes its just the idea of smiling and doing a face dive into a cement corner. I suppose I should also clarify that these thoughts aren't from my conscious / logic trains of thoughts. They're like if a person was constantly interrupting a speech with chants or screaming. The speech of course being my normal thoughts, and the interruption being any number of very very bad things. I can't block them out, though most often I can still operate normally without them interfering too much if at all. It's just like they sit in the back of my mind and I can't make them leave. The thoughts of self mutilation don't really bother me, because I figure it has something to do with my subconscious being ultra-critical of my actions, but I mentioned it for informational purposes. What concerns me is the level of ridiculousness in these thoughts towards others. The clearest way I can say it I guess is if you were to write a list of any evil thing you could do to someone (especially innocent people, or at least people who are innocent regarding their actions towards you) that would probably cover it. Other things that may be relevant: I've tried three major 'reactions' to these thoughts. Ignoring them [pretending they aren't there] makes them stay there, trying to remove them or fight them often works but they return more often and more severe, and leaving them [not pretending they aren't there, just leaving them be] also just makes them stay. I suppose this also might be relevant, I'm not socially awkward. At least not worth noting. I'm actually very good at talking to people, friends/strangers or anywhere in between. No history of violence, I'm actually a very passive person. Literally had a stranger run up and punch me in the face and not felt inclined to do anything about it. Under normal circumstances it takes huge amounts of antagonizing to get an emotional response from me, and even then there is an extremely strong chance that I will internalize the response and the person invoking it will never see it. As far as "me" goes outside of my head, I'm actually pretty happy with myself. I mean, life can be a pain at times but to me that stuff is just a part of life. I've never really felt severely dissatisfied with anything else about myself, and when I am it's almost always from a perspective of "Well I don't like how I am in this category right now, but I can and always am working towards improving myself so that's OK". It seems to go through phases, the primary determining point I haven't been able to figure out. There's a long list of things that exacerbate the situation, some dramatically. The list of things that help is short, and generally the amount they help will diminish over time and require additional effort each time for a lesser result. For example alcohol falls into both the 'helping' and 'hurting' categories, depending on my mood before I drink. Also it leaves me open to very rapid shifts from positive to negative, with very little if any provocation. Sleeping a short and consistent amount of time can help, but I have a lot of difficulty accomplishing that one. Sometimes during the rougher periods it will actually be like there is a voice screaming in my head, deafeningly. Other times during good periods it'll seem as if it never happened. I think I've gone on long enough.. Any input would be appreciated. I'd prefer responses stayed away from the sometimes common "You fix it by deciding to fix it and fixing it" style of responses, but if that's honestly the answer you feel inspired to write then I'd appreciate it all the same. Thanks in advance. =)
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Does not work for me to ignore negative thoughts, nor to rationalize them. But I can replace them with Joy. A personal dramatic example was when I visited a really neat older man who was in one of my Bible study groups. Brilliant and insightful. Had been a surgeon and taught heart surgery at a major medical college. Was a well-known psychiatrist. Founded a Christian counseling center. Read and spoke Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek and Latin. Was called upon to write articles for encyclopedias. When we were doing Biblical studies and he offered insights, everyone got out paper and began writing what he said. I visited him at his home. His beautiful wife of 50 years brought us tea and cookies and left us alone to talk. He leaned toward me and spoke frankly, "Bill I have to tell you this, for 40 years I was a pederast. I was arrested, convicted and spent time in prison, my family, except for my wife has deserted me. My only close friends are in that Bible study group, most of them knew me 'before', but never speak of it. I can't even go there unless one of them brings me and I am under close watch by my wife or someone else 24/7. If you want to get up and leave, I will understand. I molested young boys." Though I have no personal interest in homosexuality -- I consider myself "straight, but not narrow" -- I am ok with consenting adults who want to live that lifestyle, but child molesters, evoke very strong negative emotions in me. I feel it warps young minds. He was so compartmentalized that no one had the slightest idea. He told me he could not seek counseling because the counselor would have had to report him and he would have lost everything. So he kept thinking he had cured himself, but then after years, he would have a relapse. My first inclination was to put my hands around his skinny neck and squeeze hard! For me, child molesting is one of the most heinous crimes I can imagine, and here I sat across from a man who was one! But, dammit I liked and respected him! He had beautiful and fantastic insights. What he had done was, to me, unforgivable! But he was, up until this instance, my dear friend! Emotions boiling within, I tried to somehow justify this past behavior involving young boys. I could not then and never asked details. But I said, "Wasn't this behavior between a man and boy considered a "Rite of Passage" in ancient Greece and Samoa?" In my rabid desire to find something to rationalize this behavior, I scarce knew what words I uttered. But he wasn't giving me that out. He responded, "No, Bill, this has never been acceptable adult behavior in any society. There were rites of passage, but any adult who developed a long term addictive behavior of pederasty was shunned." Sometimes it seems that God rolls a bowing ball down my alley. I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. I am very thankful that this bowling ball is stationary in my life as of late! As Christians we are called upon to forgive. But I have never read that we are called upon to forget. I told him that I wanted his fellowship, his friendship, his knowledge and understanding, but if I ever had an inkling of another 'relapse', I would be at the head of the line to turn him in! He calmly accepted that fact. I admit it took some effort to look at him with love, but my perception of his sparkling insight overrode my negative feelings. I learned a lot and felt myself growing spiritually with our conversations which continued up until his death. Was it denial? As Abraham said, "I certainly hope so!' (Love that phrase). Did I deny his past? Yes. I filled my vision of him so full of his good qualities, of the things I learned, of the incredible value we shared that my feelings stayed positive. We never discussed the 'subject' again. Everyone has a full bowl of life. In order to add to that bowl, some things MUST slop over the sides and no longer be part of that life. My only real work is on myself. Money, power, things flow freely to me as long as I continue to fill my bowl with light, with joy, with beauty. Once I took a mental visualized pressure washer to the darkness, the dirt, the smelly nasty things in my bowl. But it simply did not work! I can't fight against negatives, it only amplifies, makes them bigger and more powerful! My memories of my friend are full of the light our conversations brought into my life. Of the new, vibrant directions his - my, OUR mutual insights brought. And I know he felt the same way. I had and have many things in my psyche of which I am not happy. He knew this, but I think he saw the beauty in me, in our melding and he enjoyed the conversations. As we look for the good in situations, we shine a spotlight on them and we and others can see good, the beautiful -- and it is ALWAYS there if you look for it!! ALWAYS! So fill your bowl with light, with life affirming joy, if you see a negative situation, immediately focus on "What's good about this situation?" and keep asking yourself until you find that good. And I promise you that you will find it and it will change your life. It did and does change mine. Yes, @ele and others, I am joyful -- it is not that hard, but it takes working on yourSelf. @Dollar Bill: Even better, editing my comment will serve the same purpose as deleting it. Though if you don't get email notifications of comments then I suppose the point is moot. Either way: Thank you very much for sharing, I appreciate it. =)
(13 Mar '12, 09:04)
Snow
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March 15th 2012: I Edited my answer with more personal information from my past Hi Snow! You asked, How may I rid myself of subconscious violent, hateful, grotesque thoughts? Now that's an interesting question with an interesting problem. Many of us, who have been here from the start, probably will stop short of giving you actual advice that you can apply to your situation on this forum because we can't afford to put this forum at risk with ill advice that will put your life at risk. When you post the type of question that is considered the exclusive domain of psychiatry and the medical profession, even if we could give you a "non-approved" solution, we have to throw in the "you must seek professional help" just to keep someone, not as astute as yourself, from taking that advice and blaming the forum for the consequences. Having said that, my instincts tell me that much of this question is designed to engage us into a "call to action" of sorts, to reveal the breadth and depth of the capability of those like ourselves to give "potentially ill advice" to someone seeking genuine help. If I am wrong about the above statement, my sincere apologies to you on trusting my instincts. So let me also start with the disclaimer that if you are genuinely in need of help to contain issues of rage and anger, this may not be the place to seek such help. Besides, if this is the approach that you want to take (inward quest type of solution) in solving your problem, there are plenty of wonderful well researched authors out there, whose books can be found in any good local bookstore. Or just watch a few episodes of Oprah and you will be well on your way. I originally wanted to give you a long and well thought out answer on the point that is about to follow, but after pondering upon it (since you put up this question) I realize that you are quite capable of comprehending and figuring out the details of "how to" by your own effort. "Anything worth knowing takes effort" Basically the problem you have is associated with "consciousness" You have two choices. Go to a professional or work on yourself (which is what you do when you do go to a professional) If you are going to work on yourself realize that you are back to step 1 and that is, the problem is associated with consciousness. Learn to engage and dis-engage you consciousness at will. That's it! And you will be free of your problem. You ask "How do I do that?" Teach yourself (learn) to stop your thought; "Some people refer to it as meditation" OK, let me put it this way, To build up body strength, so that you can participate in physically demanding activities, you go to the gym and pump iron. It's not the most exciting activity, but you are interested in the result. Meditation will not be the most exciting activity and you won't even know what the result is supposed to be like. (Because you can't see it like you can see the muscles of someone who exercises daily) If all that you are doing is meditating every day and you don't translate that understanding to your "wakeful" state, you will be left wondering; "what beneficial result am I supposed to experience from it?" You see, meditation at the initial stages immediately brings relief to the otherwise busy and burdened consciousness, often giving you a glimpse to the sweet experience of inner silence. But you have to be busy and burdened to experience this benefit. Fortunately, that alone is more than enough for most people if they translate that understanding and state of mind to day-to-day situations. Between the novice and the enlightened master there are various beneficial states of meditation. We are only interested in the very basic and beginning stages of meditation for this exercise. And that is to "STOP THINKING" Now here is the common misunderstanding. You are NOT doing this to learn to "Not think" You are doing it to learn how to dis-engage from consciousness. Now here is the long explanation part that I have chosen to omit because I know that you are intelligent enough to do your own research on why you must learn to dis-engage from consciousness. When you are able to maintain "inner silence" you are able to experience the relief upon your spirit and psyche as a result of being free from the burden of constant thought. So not only must you make much initial effort in meditation just to understand and experience this "inner silence", but you must continue to do some (even a little bit) meditation every day to keep in touch with the technique of reaching inner silence. Once you are able to reach this state of silence effortlessly, which anybody can do within a couple of days, or a week, you can translate that ability and understanding to your "wakeful" and "fully engaged" day-to-day existence as you need it. When do you need it? You need it at any time during which you want to observe your consciousness from a second person perspective. From your question, you have already demonstrated that you are fully capable of already observing yourself from a second person perspective. As you learn to reach inner silence at will, bring that understanding and ability into the mix as you observe your mind engaging in thoughts that are NOT of your own choosing. In other words, RECOGNIZE IT AND REFUSE TO ENGAGE IT. All that meditation stuff is just so that you can understand and learn how to accomplish the above sentence. Those thoughts are part of an addictive behavior that we are all suffering from. It is not our choosing to be burdened with this behavior, it is more appropriate to say that we suffer from it. It is this that makes us look forward to an accident at the Indy 500. It is this that makes us slow down to see what happened at the accident on the street. It is this that makes us secretly desire to listen to gossip about those we know. It is this that makes us enjoy action, thriller and horror movies. It is an addiction to an emotional response that releases certain chemicals in the body and certain energies in the pineal gland. Its release has other dimensional consequences. (Lower astral as well as higher) You can do your research on what the hell I am talking about as I am not going to engage in a conversation about it (because research will take you there and you only need my input to verify if you have hit your target; and to that I say to you "trust yourself"). So to summarize, my only advice to you is, "learn to dis-engage from consciousness at will” and you will be free of this problem. This, however, will take effort on your part and time that you will have to find for daily application towards this effort. If you don't have this time nor the willingness to put forth the effort, you may have to lean on "professional help" until you are able to realize that the problem is one of "participation" in consciousness of a particular nature, where the choice to do so actually exists within yourself, but this choice has become un-conscious, addictive and pleasurable. All activity of intensity in consciousness activates the pleasure center. Intensely loving imagery is just as powerful as intensely evil and sadistic imagery (until you raise the vibration further and further from the lower astral) (Remember that I used the word "powerful" deliberately because I think it is irresponsible of me to use the word "pleasurable" and you are smart enough to understand how that sentence should have been written) Also that statement about raising your vibration from the lower astral is actually somewhat misleading because you simultaneously exist in all the dimensions, so you are not really raising yourself from one place to another, but rather by raising your vibration, your engagement of attention shifts from a predominantly lower vibrational entity engagement to a vibrationally higher entity engagement. Or to put it another way, instead of keeping company with the devil (mentioned in the bible) you start keeping company with the angels (mentioned in the bible). All intensity in consciousness activates a glandular response and releases chemicals that create addiction. Most people are not open minded enough to look at themselves and study their inner behavior without judgment. We are all capable of incredible Love and incredible evil. Repeated exposure of any imagery through books, movies, TV, News etc. create a certain addictive void that needs to be filled with more and more of the same stimuli. The only way to break free from the "inner void of attraction" that is a result of this continuous external stimuli is by learning how to dis-engage the reaction to the stimuli. Inner silence is the only thing that can do it in the absence of all other available methods. I am speaking from experience. My addiction was in the form of continuous apathy and helplessness, in the suffering of which I found much comfort till I found myself seeking just enough courage to commit suicide. My misery was my addiction and my comfort. I was victimized in my childhood and that experience became my inner identity. I felt special when I was in the midst of my suffering and would proudly state to my friends "you don't have the courage to walk in my footsteps because you won't be able to handle this much inner turmoil" Every day I planned my suicide and found comfort in that as well. Thank God that "miracles" do exist and they saved me time and time again from ending my life. This beautiful thing called the "Sprit Within" kept me alive long enough until I began to surrender to its wisdom. All the calls I remember making to the suicide hotline were useless in comparison to the confidence that was awakened within me in surrendering to the guidance of the inner wisdom. Within you lies the greatest access to wisdom that is just right for you! This inner wisdom intimately knows your needs and is capable of teaching you what you cannot learn by asking others. But you have to follow the guidance that is given to you from within you (in doses that it knows that you can handle) Then you must apply it and stop asking more and more questions. If your inner wisdom says "try this meditation thing" then at that point, you must stop asking further questions until you try it. I guess what I am saying is that 1 minute of actual mediation through your own physical effort is more beneficial to you that a million question you could ask on this forum. But please don't stop asking questions!!! (I'm just trying to make a point) By the way, the Matsyasana or the "Fish Posture" in yoga energizes and stimulates the pituitary and pineal glands relieving stress, mental agitation and emotional mood swings. (Do your research) But if you are going to do that I suggest that you do all the yoga postures appropriate for your age group. Good luck! By the way, here's something from Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain The white rabbit followed the first complex 1
Well, for starters, don't apologize for trusting your instincts. There's nothing wrong with that. However I assure you that this question was in no way 'designed' to do / be anything. It is a 100% genuine question worded with only the intent of explaining myself as clearly and concisely as I am capable. As for the rest of your answer, there is far too much there to respond to and I'm actually just heading to bed. There's definitely a LOT here for me to think about. Thank you for sharing. =)
(15 Mar '12, 01:10)
Snow
Thanks’ for your comment! By the way, we all suffer in various intensities with this problem but most of us are not bold or courageous enough to admit to it by asking such a personal question. So my reference to "you" in my answer is not about "Snow" but more about any reader that is human and "conscious". Thank you for your courage!
(15 Mar '12, 01:36)
The Traveller
It's funny you mention that everybody has this problem. I'd been told that before, but I figured the person I was talking to just happened to be similarly ailed. It's an odd thing to be told. So it's just one of those big 'elephants in the room' that nobody acknowledges? And if that is the case.. well.. that's an odd thing to contemplate. What kind of very weird creation are humans?
(15 Mar '12, 10:41)
Snow
The White Rabbit represents inquisitiveness or curiosity, exploration, journeying, discovery, introspection & the questioning of reality. Altered states of consciousness can be achieved w/o drugs; as through meditation & hypnotism.
(15 Mar '12, 10:57)
ele
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I believe you should check into Avatar. Avatar is about exploring our beliefs until we find who we really are. The self hate comes from not liking who you think you should be, it comes from an expectation of a difference compared to who you really are. The more we see our lack the more we hate ourselves. Our lacks are in reality comparisons to what we feel we should have or should be. It is like pouring a glass of Orange juice and being upset because it is not Apple juice in that glass. We set standards of what we should be and should have then feel lousy because we don't. I can think of many standards to be upset over, I am not a millionaire wait no I am not a billionaire, I am not a famous celebrity, I don't travel world in my own personal jet, not as intelligent as Einstein, not as enlightened as the Buddha, etc... The list can go on and on of what I am not to the point of being ridiculous something off the wall like I am not Chinese as if that has anything to do with anything. But the fact is though I can take anything I am not or do not have and turn it into a disappointment. It is all my choice what I wish to be disappointed in myself over. The fact is we are not anything we even have achieved. That is not us, we are far more base than that when we find our real selves we find we only need to be and everything else is desire but nothing to be disappointed in not being or doing. Check out my answer here for more. Re: Who I am not: Well, my concerns are more about what I am [might be] than what I am not. Re: Avatar: It looks interesting but unfortunately I have no money, and if I did there are other things I have no choice but to spend money on first. I appreciate your answers. They are very insightful. =)
(12 Mar '12, 13:21)
Snow
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Here I started myself in the 90's with Avatar Journal, it is free, there are lots of mind awakening articles and exercises there. :-)
(12 Mar '12, 13:30)
Wade Casaldi
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This is rather philosophical question. Does it make sense to search for 'who we are' if we are ever changing creatures. Every second my being is multiplied in reality and who I was a second ago, is not who I am right now. Shouldn't we opt for searching for who 'we want/should be' instead? As this also validates principles by which we live, whereas 'who we are' simply states facts of our current situation. The idea is that the universe is not deterministic, but rather opportunistic.
(13 Mar '12, 05:20)
CalonLan
@CalonLan: A very interesting question indeed. Especially relating to 'shifting realities', a topic Bashar talks about. I think you should consider converting that to a question and maybe one of the 'bigger' members will take a swing at it. As it pertains to myself: I have tried approaching from a 'fix the source' direction, as well as a 'forget it and move forward' direction. I'm open to suggestions in both categories, and I'm willing to try anything. =)
(13 Mar '12, 08:47)
Snow
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@CalonLan no because who we really are is unchanging. It is the undefinable source from which our experience of self comes from.
(13 Mar '12, 10:53)
Wade Casaldi
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this is what you said 2 hours ago.as well as a 'forget it and move forward' direction. what did i tell you 19 hours ago? you say i will take another drink and forget about it.
(13 Mar '12, 11:03)
white tiger
@Wade Casaldi well yes, that make sense on the very fundamental level. Everything in this universe comes down to the matter and energy, both seen and unseen. And that might appear to be unchangeable (I do not say 'is', because we do not know for sure). Then let me rephrase my question
(14 Mar '12, 03:13)
CalonLan
@Wade Casaldi - 'does it make sense searching for who we currently are, as defined by our experience, environment and scripted by both outside and inside world for other purpose than clarification of our current state, and shouldn't we rather look for unrevealed opportunities the universe has to offer to us, see the big picture and freely choose our own fulfilling destiny ?' I believe everyone has potential to be everything. It's just that most of that potential has not been unlocked yet.
(14 Mar '12, 03:21)
CalonLan
@White Tiger I don't drink alcohol and have no idea what you are talking about 10 hours ago.
(14 Mar '12, 16:04)
Wade Casaldi
@CalonLan Finding that we are source as experience is very empowering because we understand no belief controls us because we are the creator of those beliefs. There is no "I can't because that is just how things are." because we realize we are the ones that created those can't beliefs they are not facts as once seemed but persistent beliefs. Check out the book Avatar the way we came. http://www.amazon.com/The-Avatar-Path-Way-Came/dp/1891575686/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331755727&sr=8-1
(14 Mar '12, 16:09)
Wade Casaldi
well wade i could help you understand drinking but right now i will just explain what has happen. snow has come seeking answer he included that he was drinking and that he is incontroll of is vice. i have told him that i did not judge him and tried to help him in is own reflection but he has view it has attack on him self because of his drinking and other vice and has judge me has not seeing it. so the fact his that he is not ready to face the truth about him self.
(15 Mar '12, 17:59)
white tiger
so he has missed is chance. not because of outside influence but because of influence in him self. then is he really in control of him self? that his why he does not want to see and prefer to find something out side of him self to defend against and attack and judge. he also first said he did not know what is the problem and later on he said that is problem was there before he started is vice. so i told him that isf he know what the problem is he can find it and fix it.
(15 Mar '12, 18:06)
white tiger
a fee things wade you should know if you don't drink. people that have drinking problems do not want to see it and will attack you for talking about it. i did not bring alcoolism on the table he did with is example. people that drink but do not have a drinking problem will not try to defend them self or attack other for talking about it because they do not have the problem they can live with out drinking. that is another fact about people drinking they do not want to see so they take
(15 Mar '12, 18:13)
white tiger
another drink to forget. i cannot tell you if they add this traits to forget in their carecter before or if it came with the addiction. but it is defenitely there no judgement only the truth and the fact.
(15 Mar '12, 18:15)
white tiger
@WT: You cannot use a double bind to prove anything. Yes, an alcoholic will often [NOT always, that information is blatantly false, assuming you've worked with people with addictions] deny their condition, but so will a non alcoholic. I don't know how else I can say this. Until four weeks ago I was on a 4 long [unplanned] break from drinking. I drank twice in the last four weeks. I even admitted to having OTHER vices. You're simply wrong here.
(15 Mar '12, 19:44)
Snow
snow the simple fact that you try to justify your self saying that i am wrong is the proof. i am someone that drink when i want to and do not drink when i want to. and i have not to justify my self to anny one. because i do not judge anny one and i am really in control. and i can be years with out drinking. yes you have other vice this i agree with you. but has i said i do not judge you. you have made those choice you can only ask your self the question. even if you say i am wrong does not fix-
(15 Mar '12, 21:12)
white tiger
annything for your self. first thing you need to do is look at your self. know your self. you need to remove the denial from your self. ask your self this question why do i feel threaten by things outside of my self? why do i not acknowledge the truth and need to hide it from my self? where does all that anger comes from? try to find those answer in you it will help you know your self. the problem is never outside it is inside you have free will after all.
(15 Mar '12, 21:24)
white tiger
Yes, an alcoholic will often [NOT always, that information is blatantly false, assuming you've worked with people with addictions] deny their condition, but so will a non alcoholic. this is what you wrote. if someone is non alcoholic why would he need to deny the condition he does not have it. is your argument still logic? even if he would say to someone no i do not have a drinking problem it is the truth. there is nothing to deny.
(15 Mar '12, 22:14)
white tiger
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@white tiger Oh thanks for the clarification this was between you and Snow not me, even though it is in my comments under my answer.
(06 Jun '12, 17:46)
Wade Casaldi
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The first step is to be aware of it while it's happening. Then, look at that person who you are abusing in your mind and try to see them through God's eyes. Try to remember that they are a precious child of God. They are a precious child to their parents and other loved ones. Maybe you even love them. Change the image to one that is loving to you. Hug them, tell them you love them, how precious they are. Feel the love you have for them. Appreciate the fact that they are your friend, family, or whatever the relationship. I know you said that it only bothered you when it is toward someone else, but it really is not healthy for you to direct it at yourself either. When it is directed at you, do the same thing as I said above. This might be a good way to turn your self hate into self love. Not narcisistic love. But the love that you were asking about. So, when you find yourself bashing yourself, stop. Look at yourself through God's loving eyes. See yourself as a precious child of God. As a precious child that is you. Embrace that you, hug that you and tell that you that you love him and how precious he really is to you and others. Tell that you how smart he is, or something pertinent to the current attack. You can rub his head, cradle him, whatever he needs to feel loved and safe. Do this every time you catch yourself abusing yourself or others in your mind, and eventually the love response will come easier and easier until it is your first response. I have done something similar before and it really helped me and the person I was getting angry with. I haven't done it for myself because I don't abuse myself the same way. But I will figure out a way to work this in for me. But that's the thing.. There's nothing wrong with these people, there's no reason to provoke this response, and I am naturally a very kind and tolerant person. In fact these issues can sometimes drive me to be excessively kind to certain people who don't deserve it, even though they have no idea what's going on in my head.
(13 Mar '12, 00:09)
Snow
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That's ok, because really, it's all happening in your head. You are the only one who can change the image in your head.
(13 Mar '12, 08:40)
Fairy Princess
My point was meant to respond to your second sentence, implying that seeing them through God's eyes would somehow make them look better than my own. I like people, I have been trying to facilitate moving to a large city because I enjoy being around people so much. I just wasn't very clear.. at all. =)
(13 Mar '12, 15:26)
Snow
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to rid any thoughts within recognizing the potential as long as we live in |
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This is the oldest battle known to man. It has been biblically recorded as inner demons. The great spiritual battle between Heaven and Hell that we are in the middle of. In this respect, as long as you do not become your inner demon you are safe from damnation. The plethora of thoughts are actually balanced to create a well balanced personality. The concentration of a thought can create an extremist that can be either good or bad. The brain is continuously developing thought(s) and is purposed to do so, as with each organ of our body having it's own purpose creating the entire being that we are. When a thought comes into focus, which is consciousness it acts as a smoke stack, relieving the brain of the idea. When a thought is suppressed the brain releases other thoughts until it finds an appropriate time to release the suppressed thought known as subconsciousness. This appropriate time of release normally happens during brain relaxation or sleep and becomes notably a nightmare. I am not concluding that thought suppression is bad, but all thoughts are made for the purpose of conscious release and whether you choose to suppress them or not, the brain will release them regardless of your efforts to suppress. The correct way to suppress a thought is to consciously acknowledge it and by doing so, diminishes the fear of it. Suppression is the aftermath not the afor-math. I believe that is enough for now. 1
I really like this answer. I can't even tell specifically why, but it very strongly resonates with me. Thanks for sharing. =)
(13 Mar '12, 12:19)
Snow
I like this answer too. It has truth in it.
(14 Mar '12, 12:52)
Paulina 1
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@snow, I understand and if you will excuse me for a degree of levity, a snowball effect that can cumulate in a large problem. Once you open doors to negative situations, they can grow. Some people climb the Ladder of Inference. This is where we take a relatively minor event and grow it geometrically until it reaches a place in our minds that is life-threatening (in our minds). At this point we can go borderline (nuts). Let me delve into my friend, again. He told me that pederasty was a very powerful illness and relapse was common. That is why he was under such scrutiny when he was paroled. He was a genius of human understanding and he had time to work on himself. I will share his work with you and IQ in the hope that others can benefit from it. Rage, aberrant behavior, climbing the Ladder of Inference, is a cumulative process. You do not go from zero to a hundred in one leap. It may seem so to the casual observer. It may even seem so to yourself, however I assure you it is cumulative. There reaches a point where people can go out of control and are unable to stop. But what happens before that point? What were you thinking before you go over the top? What were you thinking before that? Can you determine what you were doing before you began having these negative thoughts? Before you fully opened that door? What was going on? Music playing? A particular place? A time of day? Other particular people present? Other environmental factors? Raining? Sunny? Cold? Warm? Hungry? If you can find where you start climbing that ladder, you can take another direction. If you can find something beautiful in that ugliness, you can take another path. I have and I still do remind myself of this fact. I am nowhere near perfect, but I am getting better. You are also. You have recognized and asked for help. That is Step 1, there are 11 more. I need to start another thread. lol. Don't apologize for levity, though I admit I didn't see any in your post. Perhaps I misunderstand your use of the word. To answer your questions in one fell swoop: I can't tell you any specifics about the first time I had thoughts like this, because I can't remember. You mention ladders and growing, that's pretty much the situation as I can recall it. It's really hard to remember things that you've spent years trying to ignore. xP I've never opened any doors, nor gone over the top. [con]
(13 Mar '12, 17:27)
Snow
Assuming you were asking what I think you were asking. So I'm being clear. No doors. =P Regarding where these things started or their cause, I have no information to offer because I do not know myself. They seem to have escalated as time progresses, however I can not say if this is because of a natural progression or because of environmental influences that happen to be exacerbating the situation. There is also no jumping point or trigger that I can acknowledge that starts the thoughts,[cont2]
(13 Mar '12, 17:30)
Snow
not only because the thoughts aren't coming from a normal logic train, such as when you're thinking about one topic that leads to another, and another, and so on. It's more like I'll randomly be having a normal conversation or even just walking down a street, and for no apparent reason the thoughts pop up, often quite literally interjecting into my current train of thought. A bit of a weird experience being mentally interrupted, by yourself, on a random topic that is unrelated to the present.
(13 Mar '12, 17:32)
Snow
Something I feel I should clarify, these thoughts aren't always the same 'variety' nor directed at the same types of targets. There is no criteria for being an eligible 'target', nor any specific situation that plays more or less than others. (The exception to this being the American History X-esque curb stomping that is almost exclusively aimed at myself, and can at times be triggered by any self-analysis of a situation where I did something I deem particularly stupid)
(13 Mar '12, 17:37)
Snow
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@snow the 'levity' was thinking of an @snow-ball rolling down a hill attracting more snow. LOL. Though presently you may not be aware you see it, there is a beginning factor. I assume and hope that you are not always in this negative state, or you would not recognize it as negative. Somewhere you have, in the past, taken the negative fork of two roads diverging in a yellow wood . . . You can write a different past as well as a different future. At least you have sparked an idea in me, new post.
(13 Mar '12, 18:02)
Dollar Bill
lol I see. At no point in time have I voluntarily chosen to engage in thoughts of mutilating or violating myself or anyone else. I HAVE however voluntarily chosen to engage in thoughts regarding me beating the hell out of someone who was once very close to me because he hurt me very badly, but that was in a simple fist fighting sort of way, a 'normal' [i think?] reaction given enough provocation. And while I recognize that this problem has gotten worse over time, I don't concern myself [cont]
(14 Mar '12, 08:15)
Snow
with it reaching a point that I couldn't control, or ever becoming a reality. It isn't like I'm being encouraged to do those things by a voice saying "Hurt people" or anything like that. It's like the thoughts are appearing and everything else in me is saying "Wait, why are those even there?" The rare circumstances where these thoughts reflect even slightly on something that would interest me (hurting bad people as an example) it's very far from even being something I'd 'want' to do.
(14 Mar '12, 08:18)
Snow
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snow my friend you double minded men. are you ready for the truth? here it comes to you you have a lack of harmony and balence in your self but this world have also a lack of harmony and balence. so you drink to help you cope with this it make your emotion come near the surface. but by having your emotion near the surface you react more strongly to what you think and feel because you are impaired. so you create more imbalence in your self and with other people around you. but you do not want to see it. you say i will take another drink and forget about it. but the fact is that you affect your enviromment and it affect you like it or not. when you will not have to drink to cope with it is when you will have reach a more proper balence and harmony level. and no i do not judge you for drinking you can experience anny thing you like you have free will after all. experience and enjoy. Drinking was simply an example. I went through a bad phase where I was partying heavy every day, every other day, or every third day at the longest. It was a bad idea, I learned from it, and so on. At this point I don't buy alcohol anymore. I accept drinks bought for me and will drink beer when playing beer pong, but that's it. Also, while I'm drunk I am very very controlled. Same when under the effect of any substances. I would pass out from poisoning before I lose control of myself.
(13 Mar '12, 04:13)
Snow
Of course that isn't to say that I don't have my vices, simply that alcohol isn't it. If you were to analyze my vices and coping mechanisms I could give you more information about it, but I don't like discussing stuff like that publicly. Regarding emotions.. I'm.. not a very emotional person. lmao. Like.. very far from it. I may have been described as a sociopath on a few occasions by ex girlfriends, but that was because they got mad when I ignored their screaming fits and things like that.
(13 Mar '12, 04:16)
Snow
so was that the effect you add on your ex girlfriend. yet you believe that you have perfect control. if you add perfect control would you have vice anny more? but i agree with you that if you are working on it you might have more control then some. keep up the good job. experience and enjoy.
(13 Mar '12, 09:26)
white tiger
I don't believe I used the phrase 'perfect control', if I did it wasn't intentional, but I definitely have a lot more than most. Regarding the challenge towards my control and vices: Most people can choose to live without vices, I am no different, it's not that hard. I don't, because it'd make life less enjoyable, and the purpose of life is to be happy, no? My use of vices is conscious, not impulsive nor mandatory. Like you said, experience and enjoy. I enjoy my vices. ;)
(13 Mar '12, 09:46)
Snow
if you are happy with that vice why do you ask about it? you say it was only example and i have learned from it yet you continue that vice and i have told you what comes with that vice so that you could see it in truth. i do not judge you because you drink and experience and enjoy it. i am telling you the truth that you are hiding to your self. the vice is not to drink is to hide the truth to your self. example lets drink another and forget about it.
(13 Mar '12, 12:00)
white tiger
why do you forget about it and not solve it for your self? at what level is your control? i hope you learn from this sharing. maybe you have some bagage that you hide to your self? counscious or uncounscious. seek and you will find. experience and enjoy.
(13 Mar '12, 12:06)
white tiger
Just a note, I didn't downvote your answer. Another note, I didn't ask about alcoholism nor any need for solving my use of vices or coping mechanisms. Even when I was drinking regularly it wasn't with the intention of using it as a vice anyway, mostly because it isn't very good at it. It's more of a risk of making things worse than better. I was drinking with the purpose of partying and socializing, etc. I don't personally think alcohol has any bearing on my question to be honest.
(13 Mar '12, 12:13)
Snow
snow my friend if it add not anny bearing on the question you would not have put it has example and you would have put something else. i hope you can face that fact for your self. why try to not see the truth? i did not judge you i have only told you the truth. and the more you add info the more the truth comes out. experience and enjoy.
(13 Mar '12, 12:48)
white tiger
It was a pair of sentences in a very, very long post.. There is no fact or truth regarding the statement that I drink to cope. And even if there was, I believe the bearing of ANY vices on the question at hand is slim. However if vices are somehow related, then I should probably start discussing the things that I actually use as a vice. I have drank maybe a handful of times in months, it really isn't an appealing activity to me. There are much better ways to not be sober.
(13 Mar '12, 12:56)
Snow
I'm not disagreeing with you because I'm afraid of what you're saying, I'm disagreeing with you because it simply isn't true. I don't know how else to articulate that. Also, if I were afraid of being judged, do you think I would have posted this question to begin with? Just food for thought. ;) If you would like to continue discussing my vices at least let me tell you what I actually use at a vice, so it will be somewhat directed. I still don't believe vices are relevant, but c'est la vie.
(13 Mar '12, 12:58)
Snow
if it was not true snow you would not need to disagree and say it is not true.just food for though. ;) i have told you that you drink another and forget 21 hour ago and 3 hour ago you have said it your self in the comment section As it pertains to myself: I have tried approaching from a 'fix the source' direction, as well as a 'forget it and move forward' direction. in my book forget it and move forward. and drink another and forget about it are very similar. but you can disagree if you want to.
(13 Mar '12, 13:13)
white tiger
Some vices are substances that can affect your thoughts. Some might cause haleucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc... Also some have different effects on different people. Also allergies can affect these things too.
(13 Mar '12, 13:19)
Fairy Princess
now i get minus for telling the truth. but i do not mind the pharises did the same. Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains. http://bible.cc/john/9-41.htm
(13 Mar '12, 13:30)
white tiger
@Fairy Princess is on the correct track here, WT. I'm not saying that you and I may not be similar, but my primary vice of choice is definitely not alcohol. I generally avoid admitting to things like this, I keep my private life private [there's even immediate family members who are unaware], but since this conversation seems to be going in circles and you seem to be missing my implications I'm just going to tell you and probably delete the comment later.
(13 Mar '12, 15:17)
Snow
My vice of choice is smoking weed, incidentally. I'm surprised that wasn't obvious. Unfortunately I'm on a bit of a break from said vice because even I can admit there is a problem when one spends every waking moment from dawn till dusk not sober. ;) However, this problem predates when I even started smoking, or exploring any vices. This is why I insist that I believe there is no correlation between alcohol, nor any other vice, and this issue. I am genuinely seeking help, so it would [cont.]
(13 Mar '12, 15:19)
Snow
not benefit me if I was to deny plausible explanations for the topics I'm seeking help on. It would also not benefit me to be dishonest about my drinking habits or lack thereof, nor my personal opinions about vices or their implications on the topic. Now, if we were to start a topic about excessive use of vices, that would definitely have a lot of room for discussion, but that isn't a bridge I'm ready to cross just yet. ;) I do appreciate your fervor and input though. ^_^
(13 Mar '12, 15:21)
Snow
@Snow Under normal circumstances; I would not advise you to stop smoking weed. However, cannabis (let alone salvia) are dangerous to the psyche of "susceptible" individuals. You said you slowed down & I'm glad to hear it. Stopping all together for a month & just see could work too.... I wouldn't want the reality you described above to become permanent; whether it predated cannabis or NOT. Point is "susceptible" individuals. and WT, I'll up-vote your post. I know you are concerned..
(13 Mar '12, 19:55)
ele
then you will not have to say surely not i. and hang on a tree. if you see a problem then wake up. if you know that the problem was their before you started your vice then you know what is the problem face it and the problem will be no more experience and enjoy.
(13 Mar '12, 20:27)
white tiger
@ele: Yes, I am aware [and have taken a great interest in] the effects of weed on the psyche. There is a very long discussion to be had on that topic, but the effects it has on this situation is actually very unusual [to me.] For the time being I am slowing because it is too effective at making me feel better. As for salvia [NOT weed], in any kind of regular usage it appears to be catastrophic to me in quite a few different ways, and that's why I quit doing that regularly awhile ago.
(14 Mar '12, 08:04)
Snow
i will also add snow that it was obvious all along but i did not point to it you did. your choice not mine. did you surprise your self? who was it that did not want to talk about it but yet did because of his own judgement of the situation and of what other see compare to himself? is it not said judge not or you will be judge to the same mesure. did you take this to lightly? in who did that light of truth just shined? did you just see something?
(14 Mar '12, 08:16)
white tiger
I find that statement of yours very unusual. I wonder.. if I spent this entire conversation implying that you were very clearly 'barking up the wrong tree', and you claim that you already knew because it was obvious, then I must admit I don't understand why you would have continued on your rant about alcoholism, when that understanding you claimed to have would have made what you were saying completely off point.. I finally just said it verbatim because your words indicated you did not know. ;)
(14 Mar '12, 09:21)
Snow
again snow what are you hiding from your self? is it not the point of the question after all? for me the fact that you try to hide it from your self is what is unusual. so was i barking up the wrong tree? or where you barking up at the wrong tree? and you should also ask who is off point? or is it your natural urge to protect your self from your self my double minded friend.
(14 Mar '12, 09:28)
white tiger
If I was aware of something being hidden from myself then it wouldn't be very well hidden, would it? And yes, you were barking up the wrong tree. And since this entire conversation has been spent with me trying to explain to you that you were, no, I don't think I am. And as for the rest of what you said, you're not making sense. Also, speaking only in questions when your linguistic skills are not the greatest doesn't help your cause. =) Perhaps you should try being more direct, it might help.
(14 Mar '12, 09:36)
Snow
who is judging snow? but if you want to say surely not i. it is your choice. experience and enjoy.
(14 Mar '12, 09:47)
white tiger
until you can face the truth have some music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6sJwTU-r-I
(15 Mar '12, 12:26)
white tiger
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Gooday. There is no such thing as grounding. Have you noticed that 90percent of healers using grounding etc are sick themselves. Energy works form inside to out, not out to in, you have to become one with the universal energies from the in to out, not trying to force the universal energies in. If you have been smoking dope and drank beer etc at the same time you have created in internal entity which has separated part into your unconscious mind and will drive you crazy. If you have not been on dope you have allowed an external entity into you. This can enter at a time when you have been very depressed etc. You can hug a million trees and it will not get rid of your problem. There are several methods of getting rid of the problem but without seeing you it is difficult for me to tell you which method to use. None of they doing things in bare feet, hugging trees or trying to force energies into you, that will usually make you worse. |
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Dear Snow, It must realy be hell to have to go through that so consider yourself a good human being for not acting on those thoughts and give yourself a pat on the back. There are a numer of reasons why this can happen and seeing that most people have negative thoughts it wouldn't be a problem but the fact that they are of a violent nature is worrying and should be delt with the sooner the better. It´s wonderful that you asked for help with this as it shows you are a responsible person taking the time to seek help and want a solution to this problem. Aspergers syndrome or turrets syndrome can sometimes cause this problem and I'm sure there are other reasons but I'm not a professional and would sugest to you to seek professional help. On the other hand I would even take the advice of Constantine and if all roads fail and you dont get your relief than you can't do worse than contact Reverend Bob Larson of the Spiritual Freedom Church International, in Scotsdale Arizona. You never know he might just be able to help. Good luck and I hope you find a solution and peace of mind. I do appreciate that point of view, makes me feel kinda cool. I suppose that is a 'positive way of reframing the thought.' However I see it in a bit of a 'darker' light, that I don't think anyone deserves a cookie for doing the same thing that everyone else does, and it's a bad thing / my fault that it would even come up in the first place. Still, a nice way of looking at it. Though unless I knew the cause wasn't my fault [it is in my head after all] I don't think I could be patting myself. ;)
(14 Mar '12, 13:41)
Snow
Hmm. I would probably consider seeking 'real' psychiatric help if I had the means to facilitate it. Suffice it to say it's a bit out of my reach at the moment. =) So rather than doing nothing I figured I would see if I could address it myself. After doing a bit more reading about the syndromes you mention, I'd say that's very interesting. I wasn't aware how absolutely terrible the media's impersonation of Tourette's is. Very interesting indeed. Thanks for sharing. =)
(14 Mar '12, 13:51)
Snow
@Snow If you lived in my state, I would instruct you to call the courthouse. All counties have mental health resources & the counties budget provides help for people who cannot afford it. (ever hear of county poor farms?) There are many free or low cost services for people in need. I did a quick search for CA. http://www.dmh.ca.gov/services_and_programs/default.asp
(14 Mar '12, 14:38)
ele
"Hmm. I would probably consider seeking 'real' psychiatric help if I had the means to facilitate it. Suffice it to say it's a bit out of my reach at the moment. =) So rather than doing nothing I figured I would see if I could address it myself." aren't you tired of feeling like this? I've followed the breadcrumbs & if you would get the advice of a MHP, you may find your fears are for naught.
(14 Mar '12, 14:43)
ele
I have a lot of debt with the state due to unpaid traffic tickets [not because of intentional delinquency, I didn't have the money to pay for registration & insurance and I had to drive to work] I'm haven't verified this, but I believe my current situation with the state exempts me from any sort of aid programs. =P And tired of it.. Eh. Well yea, but there are worse things to live with. lol. Care to share where the breadcrumbs lead you? My trail stopped at 'mental disorder' unfortunately.
(14 Mar '12, 14:57)
Snow
@Snow - please, try to verify this. It would NOT exempt you from getting help (paid for) in my state. County & State & Federal all have different guidelines. I'm not a licensed mental health professional.
(14 Mar '12, 15:06)
ele
@Ele: When certain severity of tickets are left with Failure To Pay's they turn into arrest warrants. I'll try and figure it out at my next earliest convenience, but since I don't find myself to be a threat to myself or anyone around me it isn't a high priority for me. Yea it's annoying to deal with, but not that bad? It was a bit surprising as it escalated but it's kinda turned into something I'm just used to ignoring.
(14 Mar '12, 15:11)
Snow
@Ele: And nobody said you were, and I take everything I'm told with a grain of salt. Other people have suggested mental disorders, which bring up good educational reading if nothing else. I'm simply asking because you implied you had formed some opinions. If you don't want to share it with me that's fine, but isn't that the entire point of this question? lol. Either way, I wont press it further. Thanks for the suggestions regarding funding, I'll try.
(14 Mar '12, 15:12)
Snow
@Snow - it's gone full circle . . I have the same exact thoughts I had when I first "encountered" you. I think my thoughts are now contaminated & are a reflection of my mind more than my heart; but all the breadcrumbs you toss cause me to question more. Yes, Snow - I think you have psychological problems & yes, our thoughts are the same. If nothing else, Snow - you are NOT intellectually challenged & I know you have done research & don't only take the advice of others. Still contemplating.
(14 Mar '12, 15:25)
ele
@Snow -- no, not an opinion.. thoughts . . . impressions & may be biased due to my work & personal experience with people who have severe mental issues... as for the rest - BULL! - excuses. I have contacts .. you want me to contact San Diego county? BTW, are you back home?
(14 Mar '12, 15:32)
ele
@Ele: I'm not sure how I feel about that, because didn't you dislike me at one point or another? XD Do you enjoy making me wonder what you're thinking while you're being all mysterious? The only thing that I'm not exceptionally apathetic about is my curiosity.. Which happens to be extremely powerful. Intellectually challenged, beyond 'blonde moments' no I don't think so. Psych problems, probably. Yep, lots of research, but it was always centered around anger / rage.
(14 Mar '12, 15:37)
Snow
@Ele: Yes, I suppose I shouldn't deny that there is a certain degree of excuse-ness there. You have to understand that saying things like this in person with words is a WHOLE lot different than typing it anonymously over the interwebs. ;) And no thank you, I don't want you to contact anyone on the behalf of someone you don't know. And I don't live anywhere near SD. So hah. ^_^ I honestly will try to sort it out myself, I really never considered the possibility of them not caring.
(14 Mar '12, 15:45)
Snow
@Snow - um, I always liked you & ONLY once (on your apathy question) did I ever question who you really are. Doesn't matter if you're not who you say you are . . . what matters is how I feel & who I think you are. So who's dillusional? ha-ha. I've told you to address your anger/rage issues before & to stop directing your hate inward.
(14 Mar '12, 15:46)
ele
continued .... Not mysterious - there isn't one thing I've said; you don't aready have the answer to or thought yourself with the exception of the "smell" question. Only veiled because it's a public forum. Ok what's XD?
(14 Mar '12, 15:47)
ele
Ah. Well that's good to know. XD is a facie icon, xD may be easier to see. Just like :D, but the eyes are closed from laughing. =P Sorry. I will try to be less diverse with my smiley selections. And I should clarify, the research was centered around anger / rage because I assumed there was a correlation between the subject matter and those two emotions, not because I have any anger or rage issues. the majority of the time of the time it's very difficult to even make me slightly mad.
(14 Mar '12, 15:56)
Snow
The obvious exception to that statement being extenuating personal circumstances involving that former friend of mine, and I wouldn't personally call that an 'anger issue' considering I think it's somewhat justified, at least enough to not qualify it as an 'issue'. =P And since you mentioned smell I did some searching and lots of disorders mention having issues with smell. But I don't think I have "impaired smell" or anything like that. I smell fine usually. [lol].
(14 Mar '12, 15:58)
Snow
@Snow - I'm in the middle of something... so fast... 1st - wrong impression on smell; not a diagnosis of a disorder - I was searching for something to connect you with your feelings & emotions. Yay, I know which disorder you are referring to; but I was speaking of aromatherapy, silly! 2nd - due I detect a little bit of emotion? Maybe anger? I don't have to see your face - I don't believe you when you say you have no emotions in cyberspace. Geez, Snow - there is even smells in cyberland.
(14 Mar '12, 16:09)
ele
continued ... pick a county or a state.... I have connections & if not - will make one... wait..... should we add paranoia to the list (smell)
(14 Mar '12, 16:10)
ele
@Ele: I'm paranoid about what people think of me at times, yes. Wrong impression.. Oh.. oops. Though there's more than one disorder that may be relevant to these kinds of experiences that has smell related symptoms. No, you definitely don't detect any anger from me right now, I 100% guarantee that. I'm listening to happy music relaxing while writing, talking to friends, and looking at funny pictures. And I've had someone mention 'smelling' TV shows before, but the internet? lol. I dunno.
(14 Mar '12, 16:17)
Snow
And thank you again for your offer but the answer remains. I imagine it will stay on the table so I'll keep that in mind. ;) And besides, based off of your information I shouldn't need your assistance. I appreciate it though. ^_^ Aromatherapy.. Huh. I have some hippie friends who burn incense and it does always make me feel amazing. I don't know why it never occurred to me to pursue it myself, I suppose the negative predisposition to young men and things like that made me not even consider it.
(14 Mar '12, 16:20)
Snow
@Snow - I have to pull a "jai" & get out of here. You have the wrong impression on scent therapy. I KNOW you don't live in San Diego because you said you could see stars when you look outside. I thought maybe you were back home due to all your childhood questions. I'm NOT worried about your mental health - again, I would email you, if I was more than concerned. You are the one dropping the crumbs. Not sure if I follow "based off your info...." I'll get back to you later about your friend
(14 Mar '12, 17:50)
ele
continued .... and to finish up on the conversation under the beginning of your thread. (NOT weird at all & good) BTW - haven't been to my inbox - too overwhelming - do I need to check?
(14 Mar '12, 17:52)
ele
@Ele: Aww. That statement about SD and the stars made me kinda sad. Unfortunate to think about.. Re: "Based off of your info": You said that you don't believe my delinquency issues with the state would be a problem. It never occurred to me that this was even a possibility, but it does make sense. And no, I don't think you need to check your inbox. And I'm sure I have the wrong impression on many things.. Speaking of, regarding your comment on age, that's surprising..
(14 Mar '12, 18:25)
Snow
[Not in a bad way] You just came off as being older to me. At the very least old enough to be called a hippie. Whatever that means. =P And also, in the right environments I have been perceived as a hippie before. I didn't know age had anything to do with it. ^_^
(14 Mar '12, 18:26)
Snow
@Snow . . . why aren't you on your parents health insurance? I have no plans to rescind my offer; it will remain on the table. Serious mental illness? Frankly, you don't even meet the criteria for even having rage issues. Your anger is directed inward. Did not know that; was referring to a psychotic illness . . . I suppose you took the sniff test, anyway? lol! just read Travelers answer - don't take my advice as anything other than a friends.. not medical...
(15 Mar '12, 01:23)
ele
continued Not to worry @Snow - file your taxes & the state will apply your refund to your fines & penalties & refund any excess to you & you should be free & clear.
(15 Mar '12, 01:24)
ele
@Snow I'm old enough to be your mom; not your granny. You spelled it with an "ie" & sure, in that case, I could be. I was referring to the original with a "y". Here's a link which shows the difference. My older relatives & friends were the "y" type & at one time (teens), I did aspire to be like them.
(15 Mar '12, 01:25)
ele
@Ele: I would hope I don't have any criteria for having anger or rage issues, but my question was never about anger, I simply assumed there was a correlation because the subject manner seems to me like something that would be rage induced. The issue was that I thought it was abnormal to have thoughts of mutilating people. But if what The Traveler was saying is true, and everyone has thoughts like this, then I suppose that I don't have any reason to continue seeking aid.
(15 Mar '12, 10:44)
Snow
@Ele: Re: Financials. Parent's situation isn't exceptionally better than my own. Father had a stroke and several heart attacks a few years ago, suffice it to say he has difficulty with lots of things now. Mother's story isn't much better, etc. My federal [not state] tax return would be in the range of ~$500, my [state] debt is somewhere in excess of $10,000+. Tickets are expensive. ;) Re: Hippy vs Hippie, huh. Never knew/distinguished between the two.
(15 Mar '12, 10:51)
Snow
@Snow Traveller woud be the first to point out - that he did not say that. ETA NOT EVERYONE HAS THOUGHTS OF MUTILATING OTHERS OR SELF!
(15 Mar '12, 10:55)
ele
@Snow -- sorry about your folks try making an offer - they will prob accept maybe 10% - sort of like an offer in compromise.... include parents - hardship waiver maybe less than 10% state may sell acct or are we talking county? ETA confused now - usually when you can't pay a fine; you do the time. Do they have a lien?
(15 Mar '12, 11:17)
ele
@Ele: Hmm. Good question. I suppose it would be county, not state, because there are multiple separate counties that I have debt it. I'm not sure what you mean by lien. I got a letter noticing me that they'd be garnishing my wages assuming I worked over the table. Anyway, my financial and situation related issues are quite another long story entirely. I'm working on dealing with em, just difficult sometimes. Thanks for all of your input. =)
(15 Mar '12, 12:38)
Snow
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If these thoughts are coming to you as spontaneous reflex reactions, that means your brain has been conditioned to fire them as response to a trigger (a sensation, thought, circumstance, idea); or even as the default non-rational stream of consciousness (what you think when you are not actively thinking of something else). Once triggered there is a chain reaction keeping them going. What you need to do is retrain your mind. Try and find the source of these thoughts and replace them through focused repetition. Do you now or have you ever watched a lot of violent movies or video games? |
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Gio I hope you like my edit for you. You asked so I helped as much as I saw fit. Title and tags.
Definitely a step in the right direction IMO. Though to be clear the self-aimed issues I really don't mind [I'd rather not have those either, but they're really an afterthought in this question], it's when it's aimed at other people that it concerns me. Thanks =)
Good I see you changed it again, glad to help. Sometimes I get like that with trying to word something that I know I want to say but can't get it worded right for my question. But that is why we have editing. :-)
snow could it be that you have alot of unsolved though in your window of perception? when will you drop that bagage? does it serve you?
@WT: No, no baggage that I can think of relating to this topic. Not a voluntary choice, nor something I can identify the source of.
@Snow - our last interaction; you remained very calm. I know I hurt your feelings & I'm truly, very, very sorry; more than you know.
"During normal interaction with anyone, my mind will be filled with thoughts that are extremely violent or grotesque in nature" ??? even towards me?
I do apologize, Snow. Wish I could take it all back.
Anyway, FWIW - I read your question over, at least 30 times since you posted it & this is what I came up with: "How's your sense of smell?"
@Ele: That's quite alright, no apology is necessary. I've done a lot of stupid things, here and anywhere else, I'd be ignorant to try and claim I'm not simply reaping what I sow.
Towards you, or anyone else over the internet: No. I have to at the very least know what the person looks like. It isn't a reasonable situation, nor is it 'in response' to anything. It often triggers in completely random situations, aimed at random people.
No worries, honestly. It's fine. =)
@ele: Regarding my sense of smell: That's a very odd question. lol. It depends on the situation and the smell. Generally my smell is mediocre, sometimes very good and sometimes very bad. There is no un-weird way to say this.. If there are girls who I am close to (not intimate, but girls I know well or spend time with, or even strangers in uncommon circumstances where I feel an 'understanding' towards them, like girls I can 'read' well) I can smell when they're aroused.
@ele: Beyond that, I can't think of a way to grade it. It's very hard to quantify how good your smell is.. lol.
I appreciate your interest and dedication in reading it, but please don't worry about it too much. Like all of my 'issues' that I have asked about here, this is nothing new. I obviously would be ecstatic if I could find solutions, but I'm definitely not crossing my fingers.
I figure when it is time for me to understand I will. But that doesn't mean I don't open myself up to help.
Gooday. I have treated lots of people that have what you have got. Before I can advise I need to know how long ago did it start and how old were you when this started. What emotional problem happened or what changes happened in your life at that time or shortly before these things started happening to you.
@Wazza: Howdy. Haven't seen you around these parts before. ^_^
Curious.. if you've treated whatever this is, what is it called? lol. Or are you just acknowledging a similar condition but don't have a way to identify it?
And to answer your question, you know to be honest I can't remember. This may have something to do with me trying to block out the entire concept, but when I'm in phases where it isn't very strong I can sometimes find myself believing it never happened in the first place. -->
[cont.] So regarding the duration, at the very least years. Regarding emotional problems or changes: There are no traumatic events worth mentioning that stand out as a single 'big issue'. There are lots of different small things in different categories, none of which I would be willing to explain in any detail publicly. ;)
I think this started in my mid-later teens [I'm 22 now], specifically the bit aimed at other people. It's really hard to say to be honest.
[cont.] I'll spend some time meditating on the topic and see if I can get any more information. Unfortunately trying to recall this topic is very similar to trying to recall dreams (dreams that you didn't specifically take note of, mentally or otherwise) without any stimulation to provoke the memory of the dream. I realize that the topic matter is very unique, but for whatever reason it doesn't serve very well as a memory simulator. If I think of anything else before you respond I'll add it.
@Snow I wasn't worried . . . only concerned. If I was worried, I would have taken you up on your invite to email. Please stop putting yourself down; you're not a stupid little kid. However; I am concerned with how disconnected you seem to be & how out of touch with your feelings & emotions you are. Not good...........
@Snow "I obviously would be ecstatic if I could find solutions"
Is that a true statement? Ecstatic? Do you or can you feel pleasure and/or joy? It all ties in with my sense of smell question; which now, I'm not sure if I should bother explaning or not; but may expand upon later in an answer.
In regards to your answer; God knows I love you, Snow . . . lol! . . . but I wasn't really thinkin' along those lines. However, I can work with it . . . & it made you feel how or what?
@ele: Lol. Yes, my emotional disconnect is something that 'concerns' me as well, of course phrased from the apathetic standpoint that I operate in life under.
It's funny you asked about feeling of joy and or pleasure. Pleasure as in enjoyment in an activity, absolutely I can feel that. Something that makes me want to do it more. Joy is something I would describe as feeling an excitement or warmth that is encompassing, and no that isn't an emotion I feel often. However, when under the [cont]
influence of the aforementioned vice, positivity and 'joy' comes quite easily. =) Anyway, the answer to your question can be found here: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/43404/can-you-build-up-a-tolerance-to-feeling-good-so-its-hard-to-tell-if-youre-in-the-vortex?page=1&focusedAnswerId=43443#43443
@Ele, Oh, and I realize that you weren't intentionally asking in those contexts [who would?], but you asked about my sense of smell. Other than that specific situation (where I can smell that and nobody else in a circle of ~10 people around can) I can't think of any details that really stand out about my smell. Otherwise really it's just very hit and miss.
Hey all. Figured I'd check in and do a tiny bit of an update. Thanks to all who have contributed in any of my threads, especially this one. This place was one of a few important sources of a great deal of learning and support through what I hope was the darkest stages I will have to experience. Things are still rough, chaotic, bumpy, but busy and fast paced. I seem to be making progress with figuring myself out both inside and out. Best wishes to all, hope the best for each of you. =)