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At some point, we all ask the questions, "Who am I?" "Do I like what I have become?" "Does my belief system work for me?"

A few months ago, I found myself asking those questions, and I really didn't know the answers.

I likened myself to a huge, old house, and I was living in only one room- the rest was either haunted, or unusable, or otherwise in disrepair...

With a great effort of will, I walked through the house, and found it an awful place, mostly rickety old beliefs from the past holding everything together.

So, I closed my eyes, and with my bare hands, I tore that sucker down to the ground...

Perhaps you can relate to what I am saying; perhaps not. It matters not. I am just telling you of a useful experience.

This exercise was very freeing to me. I was scared. I felt lost without my old beliefs. I was used to that old house, but it served me not.

I stopped writing on Inward Quest for a space of time. I stopped just about everything. I started asking, "What kind of life do I really want?"

I have found myself free, in a vast sort of friendly wilderness, homeless (so-to-speak) with numerous paths stretching out before me. It is a very peaceful place, and I do not plan to stay here forever. After all, I need to build a new house (a new me). That takes introspection and time.

I thought I would chronicle this exercise because perhaps it will help someone here on IQ...maybe you need to tear your house down, too.

It's never too late to say, "I was wrong!" "I screwed up" "My belief system is a hodge-podge of other people's ideas."

Point is, it is never a bad thing to self-assess once in a while...



asked 16 Jul '12, 11:03

Jaianniah's gravatar image


Well done Jai and thanks for sharing:)

(16 Jul '12, 11:31) Satori

@Jaianniah, I should really be asking this question myself more often. Since answering it always makes me rise high above dusky reality of the current moment which may cloud my vision sometimes. And I can see everything so much clearer. Everything changes and my greatness starts to shine when I remember I'm god. ;-)

(17 Jul '12, 03:40) CalonLan

@Jaianniah, you are a courageous person. It takes guts to post something so intimate a feeling. But it is sometimes necessary! In my life, I have discovered that this is not only necessary but it is a requirement for me to be able to grow and in the process realize (as opposed to find out) who I am? That eternal question:)

(17 Jul '12, 07:12) Xoomaville

@everyone- your answers are TERRIFIC!!! Thank you so much! And the comments are great, too. Thanks! ♥♥♥Jai

(17 Jul '12, 19:20) Jaianniah
showing 0 of 4 show 4 more comments

I agree, Jai. I have been going through a similar realization, but different. I have realized, partly from a quote Satori made, "We are our parents until we unlearn and overcome the belief systems they imprinted upon us" by Michael Brown.

I have realized that my beliefs were not my own, but of those around me. My parents, the church, kids from school, shows and movies, etc... I realized that many of them are limiting, and if I create my reality, and I get to set the rules, then I am not keeping any old beliefs that don't serve me, instead, I am finding new ones that do. The less beliefs, the bigger the box, the more beliefs, the smaller the box.

I guess since I don't visualize the same as you, I wouldn't experience a visual scenario, mine was more of a conversation in my head but not played out linearly, like a knowing or sensing.


answered 16 Jul '12, 11:30

Fairy%20Princess's gravatar image

Fairy Princess


Thanks, old friend, for the encouragement and sharing...I hope that we make people think, think, think! <3 Jai

(16 Jul '12, 11:42) Jaianniah

@Fairy Princess, very good point. You have to unlearn your believes or be aware enough of them to re-evaluate them. Only then you can define for yourself who you are. :)

(17 Jul '12, 03:33) CalonLan

@Fairy Princess-good for you,thanks for sharing:)

(18 Jul '12, 12:03) Satori
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

This is a tough one for me to share. Please bear with me if it's not very clear, I am giving it my best shot.

I have a recurring issue of sadness that comes up unbidden, unrelated to my circumstances. I have talked about it here, but I've never been able to understand what the heck it is. It is a knot in my middle that feels like it colors and permeates everything, and squeezes tears out of my eyes, even though I am generally happy and hopeful, and believe absolutely in everything I am doing to create the life I really want.

This is teaching me that for me, I have to know what the problem is in order to release it. No processes for clearing I have learned so far have kept this feeling from returning. I have tried focus blocks, asked why? asked for help of my higher self, and of the good people here, I have carefully allowed and even walked into the pain, so that I "resist nothing". I've asked the pain itself what it wants, what it is trying to tell me, but made no lasting progress on this one issue.

For the last week, it has been with me again, and I feel really spoiling my efforts to simply be happy and enjoy all of the fun of life, of exploring here, and learning from and along with all my new friends on IQ, and allowing the manifestations I look forward to, to flow easily into my experience.

Today, I had a very painful revelation. A breakthrough, you could say. I have been looking for the words for it and they are all inadequate, so I don't think this will sound like much to you unless you have been here, but it has ripped me up inside. I want to share it, because I think there may be others on this site who might be where I am and find it helpful. But believe me, this is as embarrassing as hell, and I am having a tough time getting it out. I feel so foolish.

I meditate daily to the Vortex guided meditations by Abraham-Hicks, and I love them. In each of the meditations, they say, "There is great love here for you". When I first started using the cd, this statement would make heavy tears roll down my face, but I didn't question it. Just figured it was a natural reaction of whatever kind. Lots of things started happening when I first started meditating again, and I learned to just let it be, not to judge or analyze.

Today I was doing the meditation, and realized that I'm still counting in my breathing: Breathe in: 1, 2, 3.... Breathe out: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.... and I don't want to count.

So I just started saying in my mind, to the same beat: Breathe in: "There. Is. Great"..... Breathe out: "Love. Here. For. You. Grace."

I liked it, it's fun and it felt good. But when I finished the meditation, I starting crying uncontrollably. I just held my face and sobbed painfully. I realized, I finally got it. My problem is so simple, it seems ridiculous: I feel totally unloved.

Not much of a revelation, I know. But it is to me. I know intellectually that I must be loved, I really do, but I do not feel it.

I think I got the first clue when I wrote an answer here about being a success in my own eyes. I mentioned that part of that would be "did I say I love you today, did I hear it?". It occurred to me after I posted that, that I have not heard "I love you" in many years. That's ok, I'm not saying that's a huge deal, but I just didn't realize it until now. That probably opened my mind to some other things.

Now I finally understand why an intimate relationship is so important to me. I know, it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.

Most of all, I finally understand that it is the very shame of having that desire that is blocking it from me.

I am ashamed that I need love. I am ashamed that I have none. I am ashamed that no one loves me. I can see clearly now that it is my hidden belief that good, worthy, lovable people ARE loved. I am not loved, so I must be very, very bad. Unworthy, unlovable. Sub-standard. Undeserving. A waste of space.

Please let me reiterate, I do understand intellectually that I must be wrong in feeling this, but in my heart, I had other beliefs that I was not aware of.

It feels amazing to let this go. I can't tell where it will lead me, this is day one. I feel very, very raw and totally exposed right now.

Jai, your posting this morning is just.... flippin amazing. Thank you for that. You have given me the opportunity to let this all out. It is making me feel better, though it is scary. I really hope someone who needs to see this will be helped too.

Some of the pictures in my locket :)

alt text


answered 16 Jul '12, 14:05

Grace's gravatar image


edited 02 Aug '12, 18:39

I can really, really relate to your post! BTW, congrats on really digging for that source of sadness. I do not know if this will help, but I love you...You have become a vital part of IQ, and I care. So there IS love for you out there...Maybe not the love you crave, but true, honest caring love. I would be saddened to hear if something happened to you! I am glad you stuck with it...that speaks of courage! And if you are courageous, you are worth LOVE. Thanks for your post...keep at it! Love, Jai

(16 Jul '12, 14:23) Jaianniah

Actually, that does help. Thank you, Jai. Its been a long time since I heard that. I know you to be very sincere. Thanks.

(16 Jul '12, 14:50) Grace

@Jaianniah - And my love right back at you, too.

(16 Jul '12, 14:57) Grace

@Grace if you read Only for Women and Only for Men you find that the same way women feel about Love men feel about Money. I think your answer really touched on something for me why I keep returning to a point of depression over money even though I keep trying to program it out of me. I have made a lot of progress but it seems I will have to keep listening everyday to my MP3s to reprogram my mind. Your post expresses my thoughts and feelings if you just replaced the word love with money.

(16 Jul '12, 15:02) Wade Casaldi

@Wade Casaldi - I have never heard that before. Just knowing what is happening inside me has been quite a shock. Have you always understood this about yourself? Or is it new to you?

(16 Jul '12, 15:12) Grace
(16 Jul '12, 15:25) Satori

@Satori - That is sweet and beautiful. Thank you.

(16 Jul '12, 15:51) Grace

@Grace no, all men know this and it is natural a man's self worth is strongly tied to financial stability. The interesting thing is both sexes believe that the other are the same for women it is Love for men it is Money. So this is why it seems a lot of times neither understand or can really help each other because they are coming from two entirely different perspectives. But if the word Love and Money were switched they instantly understand each other.

(16 Jul '12, 15:59) Wade Casaldi

@Wade Casaldi I thought where women need love, men need respect. There is a program called Love and Respect. Excellent program. So ultimately, women need to love themselves, and men need to respect themselves.

(16 Jul '12, 16:07) Fairy Princess

@Fairy Princess Yes it actually is Respect but Financial Stability plays a huge part in if you are respectable or not.

(16 Jul '12, 17:22) Wade Casaldi

@Wade Casaldi So respect is conditional.?.

(16 Jul '12, 17:41) Fairy Princess

@Grace - Thank you so much for sharing this - it has really helped me today and I am sure it has helped others too.

(17 Jul '12, 12:49) Catherine

@Catherine - Thank you for taking the time to let me know what you thought. I appreciate that, so much. When you let something uber-personal fly, it just sits there being embarrassing until it means something to someone else, you know? ;)

(17 Jul '12, 13:05) Grace

@Fairy Princess Oh yes Respect is earned so there is always something to be respected for. Love is different you can just love someone for even just being. But respect has a "for" behind it, example he can play that guitar well (respect) He can speak well (respect) He lasted through the Baja 5000 race and survived (respect) He jumped over 20 cars on his motor cycle! (respect) It is something that makes you feel wow so you respect him for something or other but you just can't respect him alone.

(29 Jul '12, 23:19) Wade Casaldi

More on respect. It can also be for being as well and is even more suited to being. For example being an honorable person that keeps his word, or lives his code someone with integrity, that is very respectable as well.

(29 Jul '12, 23:26) Wade Casaldi

@Wade Casaldi I hate to break this to you, but those there are your beliefs. One thing I am working on is not caring what other people think of me. I read it here, and my friend reminded me the other day, it's none of my business what other people think of me. So, if you don't care what other people think of you, you free yourself from the prison of what you think other people think of you. Also, you can choose to believe that everyone deserves respect.

(30 Jul '12, 09:51) Fairy Princess

Jesus said to treat others the way we want to be treated, so treat people with respect. Now what about respecting yourself you say. Well since we know that what we focus on we magnify, then don't focus on what you consider failures, focus on what you consider successes. Make a list of every accomplishment you ever felt proud of. Pick of few of those to focus on to draw strength and courage to do it again.

(30 Jul '12, 09:56) Fairy Princess

@Fairy Princess, well said. And re failures - you can always see them as opportunity to learn from, rather than the unchangeable end state of failing.

(30 Jul '12, 09:59) CalonLan

@Grace-Found a quote you might like "All great changes are preceded by chaos" Deepak Chopra.

(30 Jul '12, 15:58) Satori

@Satori, thank you, that is very encouraging. Goodness knows I've been doing chaos like a pro! I have a funny feeling, though... I think I may be done with the worst of it...:) Crossing fingers.... and toes, and eyes...

(30 Jul '12, 16:01) Grace

@Satori,chaos paradoxically cannot exist in its pure form.In cause-effect reality that is.For every action or literally anything in this universe - something precedes and something follows. So "all great changes are preceded by actions which are most probably out of our scope of understanding and because of our own ignorance and lack of knowledge we call it - chaos". That's more like it. The quote from I Robot sums it perfectly "Everything that follows is the result of what you see here"

(31 Jul '12, 02:17) CalonLan

@Calonlan-Thank you for that clarification.

(31 Jul '12, 03:49) Satori

@Satori, I think I'm going to swipe @Xomaville's idea and design some kind of board for my wall for things like the quote you shared. I need the encouragement and reminders to be more accessable than here in this little black rectangle box.

(31 Jul '12, 10:07) Grace

....I do have a locket though. Its a little gold locket, and on a little scrap of paper, I drew the letters IQ, an anhk, a pair of sunglasses, a partial face, a clover leaf, a pure heart, a fairy princess... you get the idea. Sentimental as heck, I know, but it makes me happy when I wear it. :)

(31 Jul '12, 10:07) Grace

@Grace-That is an excellent idea Grace, we need reminders when we are out of that good-feeling place.Mines a shamrock:)

(31 Jul '12, 11:12) Satori

@Satori, how stupid of me. Of course it is. That is what I meant to say.

(31 Jul '12, 11:23) Grace

@Grace-Grace that idea for a reminder is such a compliment to us at IQ, thank you:)

(31 Jul '12, 11:52) Satori

@Grace-Ah Grace,this is great and such a compliment to us here,thanks for sharing this picture:)

(02 Aug '12, 19:07) Satori
showing 2 of 28 show 26 more comments

**Warning: I added this warning after I finished writing the whole thing.

I have deleted this twice. I don’t know why, but here it is now. As I got tired of writing it, it may not feel completely satisfying. It's not tied up nicely and little scattered.

This turned out to be the most difficult sharing experience and it shall remain just that, but did I live that experience again:)

• There are some controversial observations, so understand that it is my understanding/opinion and is used here in THEORY to describe something not easy for me to describe.

• Warning within the warning: The source of theology I have used is this:

I do not recommend/not recommend reading it, do not either condone or condemn it, it's theology..but should you start reading it, know that if you go on that site and get hooked to reading is massive...its complex but its absolutely fascinating. It took me two years to read it. Most of it is not even retained in my mind.

• I am not pretending to know all I am about to say, I understand most of it, but it is difficult for me to describe it.

  • Not all of the following is positive, uplifting and in fact, some of it is very bleak, questioning some traditional mindsets. If that's something that's going to bother you, please, sincerely do not read any of it.

• It's sort of an argument with myself the way it has turned out, some of you may not like any of it at-all and that's okay. Comments of either kinds are welcome:)

• The reason I deleted this twice is that some things are thematically very evolved. I am sure its not something you haven't heard of, still i thought maybe this is not the place. I ultimately thought of posting it with these warnings. And I hope it makes some sense to somebody:)

• Here, you, we, me, us are all same and that includes me!

• There are indirect answers in there related to the thread although I start from way before the its long.

• Lastly, the writing changes from first person to third person account, excuse that, will edit some other time, but indulge me:)

• I feel this warning maybe unnecessary but here it is:)

So, who am I? I don't know yet, but I do know who and what all I am not! That's a relief to say the least. That also brings clarity, some would say maturity. Maturity of soul.

I took lots of time to think before writing this as this hits a spot in me, a nerve in me that is very well guarded from any and everyone outside of me. Something, like most on this thread, I have not discussed before. It is difficult to go to places within me and draw out those experiences.

I also know this is not about me, but to explain what I want to say, I can only use my own experiences and hope that it throws some light on this very blessed junction of re-invention at which some people find themselves at.

@Grace, I hope you find some insight in what follows as well:)

I have re-invented myself twice now. First time was when I came to U.S. to study. I was 20, very green, first time travelling to and living in another country. And I was not in some back-office environment, I was working in the entertainment industry in Hollywood. I had to adapt and learn very quickly as I was in a culturally relevant work space. What I re-invented myself into is not important, what is important is that, although this re-invention sounds very topical, it was a major reboot for myself! And it was setting me up for my 2nd re-invention which would be life-altering.

Second time was when I battled alcohol abuse. I was alone, coming off a high of lots of achievements and still unhappy!I was in a very dark, weird and vulnerable place. Anyone I talked to about this substance abuse could not understand why I would be unhappy. From their point of view, I was/had everything anyone could ask for. I was living a dream. Their dream maybe, is what I thought. I had wanted this, but then I could not ascertain why I was so unhappy! To this day, I do not know the whole 'why me' of it. On top of that there was shame, feeling of isolation, guilt, crapping on the one-in-a-million opportunity feeling (not, not getting it. Getting it but ruining it, feeling unhappy about it) and other you-name-the-worst-feelings about myself.

I had nowhere to go BUT deep within myself. What I found was not the optimist, always-make-people-laugh, full of life and ambitious kid, but something rotten, disgusting and fatalistic. There was not a shred of love there. Sure, on my lips, there was talks of love of all kinds, there were women around, but there was this massive emptiness within. (its important to note that until this point I would pooh-pooh all this talk of 'emptiness within')

Keep in mind, first time I HAD to (as I saw it then), second time, I wanted to...

I talked at length how I brought myself (yes, without help) out of that hell-hole here: (if you are going to read, I would suggest you read the entire thread there)

Why would I tell you these sad stories? I am coming to that:) Since then, I have lived and worked in three continents, and nowhere (not even in the country I was born in) do I feel that I belong! Even now, as I write this, I don't think I belong here! By here, I mean amongst human beings!

Lots and lots of people feel this way. I mean, they feel they just don't belong in here and in the now (the examples from my life shows, its not the place, circumstances or different people that make you feel this way, it's the feeling deep inside)

I know that's a sweeping statement, but, here's what I feel and lots of us do, but I am going to say it in a different way:

The moment I was born and realized there are going to be other human beings the compromise started:)

All our problems are related to other beings or so we perceive:)

Okay, that's a narcissistic statement if there was one, but then what to do? You can either OFF all of others or you can OFF yourself. That's not possible, not advisable!

And no, I do not hate the mankind:) In fact, I love them all, equally. I am getting to that part...

So, one has to live amongst other human beings. And here's what I am coming at: Out of 6 Billion or so people, each one of us comes across only handful (in ratio with 6 billion) of them in our lifetime.

These handful of people are handpicked (so to speak) to come into our lives to help us recognize who we are! They come into my life to remind me of who I am! And who I am not!

...And they'll keep coming and you'll keep discovering who you are and who you are not, but you will never be able to say: This is what I am! It'll keep changing, in every moment you may know who you truly are, but that will change, by your choice. You'll choose to be something else, again.

You've been on this discovery journey for several births and lifetimes! In all instances you knew/know who you are and yet, you'll choose to again be someone/thing else...

And that's the beauty of it. That is THE THING! How many of us really utilize this? How many of us really, really milk it?

So, what to do? What is this whole thing about then? Why would the Universe/Source/God put us in such an experiment? Why does it sound like touching the nose from around the head instead of just touching it straight forward? How to find out?

I don't know, but I do know how you can get close to feeling that you know! And maybe that's as good as its supposed to get!

Here's how I realize it...

You'll have to step outside of yourself to see what is inside of you! Re-invent!

You'll have to be a brutal editor of your own life. You'll have to shake off lots of belief's, understandings and values. And then some. You'll have to face your fears. I am not talking a make-over, I am not talking a re-build, I am talking a re-invent!

You'll have to drop lots of words and how you understand their meanings from your psyche! Am not talking reboot, I am talking wiping the hard drive clean!

It's not easy. Nobody likes to change! Yes, we all say we want to, we say we can, we try, we are trying but to actually change into a new system is very difficult. We see it as a defeat, as a rejection, as an anomaly. This is all the more difficult as we see others who don't have to change. Or it seems that way to us.

We want to belong and be unique at the same time. We want to be accepted in a crowd and be able to stand apart at the same time. We want to let go while holding on. We want to fly but with a safety net under us (we don't say it, but we know want this net)

We do it all the time, if not the house that we are tearing down, we are doing it to a room, or to a closet or to a drawer, to a desk, to a wallet. We may not vehemently announce that that's what we are gonna do, tear it all down and rebuild but we are!

And sometimes we do vehemently announce and do the over-haul and that is what I recommend.

Changes in me via re-inventions have been so drastic that I am honestly living a third life:)

We do this because we are afraid of failing. It's the way something, someone, maybe God/Universe/Source nudges us to find, to recognize again who we truly are (in that NOW).

When we are fearful, we see this feeling of fear! Fear of unknown!

In eyes of others or more importantly in our own eyes..We want some semblance of grasp or control...But, its not as clear as choosing a pair of jeans over another. Sometimes we pick-up stuff along the way, mostly emotional stuff.

This emotional stuff serves its purpose for that NOW, but it doesn't leave you. It's not as easy as discarding a pair of jeans. Unknowingly, we carry that with us...

We think we shook off everything entirely for a new re-invent, but really we are like a dog who is trying to shake off water from its body...

alt text

But its not possible to shake off the whole thing. The dog is still wet. The thing is, the dog sees so much water has been shaken off that it doesn't realize that the residual water is still on him...

Refreshed, the dog goes to some other place for newer experiences...what he doesn't realize is...


All feeling new, he is ready for whatever but doesn't connect that by virtue of getting hosed down, now wet, he has already picked up dirt, dust on himself. By the time he spends some time at this new experience, he'll start feeling its time for hose-down again.

And that's how it goes.

We came into this human experience with some dirt, some dust and some clean water on ourselves. In this birth. In this lifetime. Each one of us. No exception! We will clean, rebuild, reinvent, reboot or whatever you want to call it and yet again, the stone will start rolling gathering the moss:)

The search is the destination, the journey is the search, the destination is not final! The change if it happens is minuscule in the whole scheme of things. Doesn't mean its not important to the whole, but it is minuscule...

But see it from outside, far-far outside of yourself and you'll see how minuscule it is. Especially now that it has no business existing in this current NOW...

...yes, you'll have to see inwards from that far out!

alt text

According to the theology link above, we are in the FIRST BREATH of the Universe. Imagine the magnitude of that, if the Universe has inhaled (which it has now) it hasn't exhaled yet! And THAT'S IT'S FIRST BREATH! (Hence, the 'Eternal Now')

So? How does that translate to you and me and our daily lives?

This is how I have internalized all of that information. This may be Bull***t to you and that's okay. For longtime it didn't work from me either, until it did.

I often go that far out in my mind to solve the smallest of the problems/issues/whatever in my conceited life:)

By doing this, I am able to drop all the vocab and feelings behind words like shame, love, money, loneliness, successes, failures, you-name-it.

Whenever I am feeling unworthy of anything, actually I just realized I have never felt unworthy of anything that I remember (maybe, I should look into it:)), lets say, whenever I feel uneasy over anything, I go that far out and then...

..nothing matters! Literally! Nothing! It's not even detachment, I don't even care for that word! I think, its difficult to describe in any language. The best I can describe it is..

Is just is!

Whatever it is! And I mean all encompassing 'whatever it is', life and death inclusive!

I personally, honestly think that I do not know what I want, need, should have, shouldn't have, feel, feel-not. I have felt love, I am in love with someone as of writing of this, and they love me. But then what? It doesn't do anything beyond. What am I supposed to do with this love? Nothing gives me any satisfaction, nothing gives me any closure, nothing seems like I have arrived. Nothing feels like I am going anywhere, nothing, nothing.

And here's the best part: I like it like that! I am content with that! (Like, content - closest words in the language I can describe)

Yes, I know its easy for me to talk about love when I 'supposedly' have it in my life but truly, what do we understand about love?

It's one of the most over-rated, most misunderstood, most abused word. By love, do we mean we need someone to hold, caress, someone who cares for us, unconditional, stand-by-me-types, what about motherly love?

Yes, yes, all of that! I know, but really, that's all? Is that all?

Is that the gift we all are seeking? Is that what we have come to in last million (or however long it has been) years? That's evolution?

I can argue against that each type of love and why we really don't need it. For example, I get each and every type of love, I have always gotten it, but not from a single person. For example, I can have intimacy/sex with one, cuddle with another, have one who will care for me...etc..have a friend who will stand by me...etc.

Oh, but that's anarchy! That's nihilistic, that's how animals live! That's not who we are, we are civilized race!

True, and I agree...

...but that's not what love is...all those things can be experienced from 'others' or 'other things' or from 'outside', from a single source or from multiple ones.

We know this, we have just forgotten it. Sustaining in 45, 55, 70 years of marriage is some parts love but it's more of a commitment. Not the kind of love we are seeking!

What's love gotta do with it? It's a need based requirement. It's a confusing sentiment. it's a propaganda seekiness. We are all in the same boat. We are all seeking it.

I have, on this very site, said that love solves everything, but if you break it down, really, brutally, It's all to give you some peace of mind.

If you look from outside, you'll see that what we call 'love' is a selfish support system for ourselves. So we don't grow old alone. So we are not alone. Love stops arguments, altercations, wars, brawls, falling-outs, divorces, killings and bigger catastrophes... that not good? Not good enough? Of course it is, it is great. Yes it is, but in a 'medicine' kind of way. We want it because it solves our problems:)

If only everyone loved themselves truly all our physical World problems would be solved. Cliched, but true and now I know where that comes from.

I am not above it, in fact, I find myself seeking that kind of love, but I realize, what actually I am seeking is...

A witness to my life!

Think about it. We are inherently afraid of being alone. What if no one knows our pains, sufferings, achievements and lows and defeats?

In case of an calamity, say an earthquake, we find solace in someone. We hold them. We are glad that we are not alone. Why? What are they going to do against earthquake? We humans just have to share everything with everyone! If not everyone, then with at least someone!

Everyone gets to do it! It seems unfair if we don't get to!

A more evolved approach would be...

...that we simply want witness to our lives, otherwise... We wouldn't exist! Even I am afraid of this! But, this is what we think, spiritually its NOT true!

I think spiritually that's the last layer one needs to unravel!

Because we have forgotten that we have always had all the 'love' which we need even before we came into this lifetime!

...because it cannot be from outside. For most people, maybe after certain age, a pastry would give them more satisfaction than 'love'. **I used to love someone who loved me as well, now I am no longer together with her. I have no emotions towards her! None! I don't know about her, but I am going on with my life just fine!

Is that the love we are seeking? At the time yes it did feel like it! ** It cannot come from outside, the love we are seeking!

For example, Liz Taylor married 7-8 times, who's to say she didn't love each and everyone of them equally, or none of them or if her love was not as kosher! Those are the ones she married, maybe she loved more, many more of them. Who's to say that was wrong? Who's to say what she deserved or not. In fact, it seems like a very fulfilling life, marriages et all.

The problem I think is that we seek it, but we are not really seeking it, we are just trying to recognize it. Within ourselves.

We just need to discover our love within ourselves. For above pastry example, however difficult it is and it is difficult, if I just accept (finally) that I enjoy a pastry more than love/sex/hug...I am scott free!:)) This is who I am! Yeah, its not profound as we human's think it should be! But it is the truth! A secret truth:)

The problem is as soon as I realize this, because I have forgotten to trust myself, I immediately want to share it, tell it to someone, maybe ask someone 'is something wrong with that?' and that's where you start going away from the 'love'...every time you'll mention it, it takes you away from that love with which you were born. Because everytime, the story will change slightly depending on who you are telling it to. (see, those humans again. If only I was the only one on this planet there won't be any questioning it or justifying it. Most, likely I'd just go 'hmmm, interesting...weird, but interesting:)

If you just leave it alone...because..

It just is...there won't be any need/want/desire to even define it.

Now, if everything is just as doesn't matter what I do/desire/get. It's all a game (as I understand it)

So I say, F***K it, lets play.

I walk and sleep my way like this (observing from way up) on the days when I am consciously aware of it. But, this is ingrained in my brain since my last re-invent:) so its still in the play, just in various degrees at other times.

I have been up, down, sideways, forward, backwards, in circles...I am talking about my experiences here...and it's all the same. The most beautiful women's breath stunk in the morning, the most undesirable woman has given me a lifetime of warmth with a brief hug. I sucked at what I thought I should be best at and others have MOST appreciated me when I have done something for no reason apart from being utterly, arrogantly SELFISH! Why try to figure it out? Because next moment it's gonna change, because I'll choose it to!

I go back to that far away place (visually its something like in AVATAR, a huge beautiful flying bird who takes me up, up, up, right from my balcony) most of the time. Not always, not every minute, but most of the time I am there subconsciously.

Here's the warning though: Most others feel I am hopeless, purposeless, drifting, boring, passionless and non-participating (didn't I tell you, it's not me, it's the others--entire homo sapiens- who make me compromise?:)) and so, I ask myself, what do you want to be today?

And I choose to show love, affection, kindness, all the goody-goody stuff. I do not even seek reciprocation. I do not crave anything. I know it sounds harsh and depressing, but I don't. It doesn't do anything for me. Good or bad!

You can say I am selfish (as the definition of the word suggests)! Maybe in a spiritual sense I am but in physical sense, I am most likely the most un-selfish person you'd like to know.

And that's because, physically, I do not care what I do (hence, might as well do something 'perceived good' for others)! There is no angle of charity, social work, and neither is there any angle of self gain, of repute or of any version of myself highlighted. Whatever way it turns, it turns.

So, in the closing...

I am an 'Emperor in new clothing' going to the best bakery (me again) in town, selecting the best cake (still me), nicely packaged in a box (still me) with a fancy ribbon (me again), unraveling it all, eating it (Me) piece by piece (me, me) until its gone. Then I walk out with the experience and that's all there is to it.

Yep, like peeling an onion layer after layer..till..there's nothing. Nothing, but another onion:)

Likewise, I go to many bakeries, shops, parks, beaches, countries, continents and somewhere, I radio that experience back to the ME far far away...

and that ME radio's it further to HIM/Universe/Source.

I have lived like this time and again (not all the time) and it's absolutely wonderful. There is utmost fearlessness and feeling of liberation. Like you 'can't go wrong, ever' types.

I just lived this amazing experience of looking at myself from far above while writing this:) I don't want to come down, but this feeling will last a long time, I want to enjoy it in my physical self as well, maybe it's pastry time:))!

And that's all there is to it, as I understand it from...when I look at it from far far far away...I am just a blip in the Universe...

....A blip with free-will and an ability to look at myself as just a blip and feel good about it:)


answered 17 Jul '12, 10:38

Xoomaville's gravatar image


@Xoomaville, I spent the better part of my morning reading your emailed post. If I didn't hold so much respect for you, and value our fledgling friendship so much, I would copy and paste it here myself. :) (I'm teasing you I would nevr ever do such a thing.) It is all your fault that I am now at work sans makeup and hairdo.

(17 Jul '12, 11:31) Grace

Your ideas are wonderful. The way you have interpreted, internalized and applyed the information you have taken in is unique to you, and I do understand if too private to share, but I just want to suggest that it may also be part of your contribution. Anyway, I love the link, and will keep it forever, there is so much there to delve back into for me - I have been there before. Please at least post your link?

(17 Jul '12, 11:32) Grace

Oh, and I understood and agreed with what you said about love relationships, even though it may not seem so. You made me think of one of my favorite Damien Rice lyrics:

I kissed your mouth, your ass. Is that all you need?

(17 Jul '12, 11:32) Grace

@Xoomaville - I do have one question. "Most others feel I am hopeless, purposeless, drifting, boring, passionless and non-participating". Really? WTF Xoomy? You...? How so? Do you just conceal it all really, really well?

Sorry, 5 questions... :)

(17 Jul '12, 15:05) Grace

@Grace, Oops, I forgot all about the email notifications while I was posting, deleting, About the quote, its not anything anyone has said, usual, my own thinking:) When you shake off lots of old belief's, your personality changes (mostly outwards) which is noticeable to self! From inside one is organically the same. It's not so much concealing. For example, I used to be very aggressive, assertive, passionate...

(17 Jul '12, 23:39) Xoomaville

@Grace,... which I still am, but, I don't react as much as before. I pick my battles very very carefully so maybe outwardly I may come across as 'blaah' but I am the same:)...I guess, when you really shake off all the labels (passionate, assertive etc.), you feel bare. Bare is good....Yeah, I am going for anti-establishment...I am going for 'boring is good':))) btw great Damien Rice lyrics!

(17 Jul '12, 23:44) Xoomaville

@Xoomaville - Me too. I have changed so much in the past few months myself. People do look at me funny sometimes, and they seem to be happy to be near me. I think I'm giving off loving, peaceful vibes. (?)

Not boring though, surely... Ummm, how about "tranquil"? :) ... hmmm. Removed but compassionate? Lol! Damn i wish i could post in real time this sucks and blows at the same time which is quite a feat if you think about it.

And I know, don't you love Damien Rice? He is a poet.

(18 Jul '12, 11:36) Grace

@Xoomaville- I finally waded through your wonderful post...I think what you are describing is the "wilderness" I described. I do not feel any real attachment to any one thing at all. Wade I am concerned about, but ultimately, I spent a sleepless night, and he slept...In the end, we are a-l-o-n-e...And if you cannot find peace with that, it'll kill you, right? I like this wilderness. I think I will stay here for a while. Jai ♥♥♥

(18 Jul '12, 12:21) Jaianniah

@Xoomaville I am glad you reposted this answer even though as you said you deleted it twice. It is a very respectable and worthy answer I think is pretty good.

(18 Jul '12, 12:32) Wade Casaldi

@Jaianniah, Yes, wilderness! I guess when you reduce yourself to bare, to nothing, its a greatest feeling. No fear, no load on shoulders, nothing prove. It's natural to love, care for someone, but with this knowledge, the place you come from with this love is also pure as it comes from nothing. Nothing to gain/give/prove...there is purity in that undefined care/love:)

I am glad you finally got around to reading it. I know its loooong:) Thanks Jai

(18 Jul '12, 13:21) Xoomaville

@Wade Casaldi, Thanks for the encouraging words. While writing it, I was having fun and it went on and on:) and then realized its little personal, dark and scattered, so deleted it. I know most folks here are wise enough to understand its intended true spirit, so posted it:)

Also, I was reading some old-older threads here and did not realize you are a distant healer. Somewhere you suggested to Google your name and so I did.

Man, you're a rock star in these Worlds:)))

(18 Jul '12, 13:25) Xoomaville

@Grace, I'll take Tranquil:) Nice appeal to it...I have only heard of 'delicate' and 'never and always on my mind' of Damien's work

(18 Jul '12, 13:38) Xoomaville

Delicate is my favorite song right now. Little obsessed actually - I play it every day in the car. The quote was from Volcano.

(18 Jul '12, 13:40) Grace
showing 2 of 13 show 11 more comments

What a question Jaianniah,it was something that I feel at times too.

Grace,I was in tears reading your answers for it related to me every bit.Just wanted to know how did u manage to overcome these(Which are my feelings too...)

"Most of all, I finally understand that it is the very shame of having that desire that is blocking it from me. I am ashamed that I need love. I am ashamed that I have none. I am ashamed that no one loves me. I can see clearly now that it is my hidden belief that good, worthy, lovable people ARE loved. I am not loved, so I must be very, very bad. Unworthy, unlovable. Sub-standard. Undeserving. A waste of space."


answered 16 Jul '12, 14:37

insilentpain's gravatar image



@insilentpain, I have to be honest about this. I have not really overcome it yet. But just recognizing the problem is the first step to healing. I had totally hidden this from myself until this morning. And it must have been there for years. You keep on searching for the answers here, and so will I. We will get there. I have no doubt at all.

(16 Jul '12, 14:41) Grace

I have it too since years,sure I will be searching answers for these and help you out too once I find one. :)

(16 Jul '12, 14:52) insilentpain

You all are being very brave. Hang in there, persevere, and know that you are lovable...To me! Thanks for your comments and great honesty. ♥♥♥ Jai

(16 Jul '12, 15:38) Jaianniah

I find that Two Hands Touching really helps me to feel connected to God/Infinite Love.

(16 Jul '12, 16:15) Fairy Princess

@insilentpain, are you here? How are you doing?

(29 Jul '12, 13:33) Grace
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments
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